Being 'sucked in'

Hiya. I've been lurking around here for a bit, then wanted to post in a thread in the politics subforum... so I guess now I should get some advice on the dilemma which brought me to this board in the first place.

Here goes :D

Since I was a kid, I was always close to this friend of my Dads... he'd be the guy who took me to the park, played cricket with me and so on while my Dad was working.
But now our relationship seems to have developed, well, further, especially since I'm doing work experience at the local doctors practice and he's one of the GP's. He's a great guy, we have lots in common, always talk to each other, etc etc, but then I started noticing an extra chemistry, just little things like him leaning on me and us sitting closer together, but thought I was reading too much into things. Until we kissed. Now its all just really weird.. because I do find him attractive, but he's 43, has kids my age (uh :o did I mention that I'm 18 and he's married?) but I do not plan on having a relationship with him. I think.
I need to complete my work experience, plus he's often at our house/vice versa so we can't avoid each other- what can I do? We've talked openly about what happened but haven't laid any firm ground rules so to speak.. because we admitted we both enjoy each others company, & he said he didn't want to lose me as the "friend" and daughter figure, but isnt sure if he can go back to his paternal role.
I know this is the classic need for a father figure in my case, because my Dad was always away, but I do genuinely want us to go to the way we were instead of all of this awkwardness. Meh. There must be a way to get over this?

Well only thing you should do is stay away.... Firstly he's Married.....

Second this is not healthy..... Expecially where he said he didn't want to give up the daughter figure... i'm sorry but there is something wrong with thatI dont have much to say other than stay away from him... as a friend and/or lover or whatever

It sounds to me like he's taking advantage of you. Don't let him do that hun.

Yeah I sometimes get the feeling that he's taking advantage of me... but then I feel like I've encouraged him by reciprocating. And I've known him all of my life, so obviously do feel affectionate towards him, but now that affection is becoming misplaced. There isn't quite the same power dynamic in him being older and a doctor because my family is.. uh well quite a bit wealthier/ more influential.. something he pointed out when I mentioned the whole taking advantage thing. He feels like some paedo by being attracted to me, and I feel the weirdness of him being so much older, and married of course.. I don't feel like he's forcing me to do anything, it's more my/our confused feelings.

It'll be rather challenging to avoid him... like I said I have to finish my work experience, and switching to a different surgery would look kinda suspicious, as it would if I avoided him when our families were together.

Think you're right about the unhealthiness of this... it isn't normal for a girl and an older man to be so close without being related, and something like this was probably bound to happen. Still don't know how I'm going to get out of it though.

It'll be rather challenging to avoid him... like I said I have to finish my work experience, and switching to a different surgery would look kinda suspicious, as it would if I avoided him when our families were together.

Think you're right about the unhealthiness of this... it isn't normal for a girl and an older man to be so close without being related, and something like this was probably bound to happen. Still don't know how I'm going to get out of it though.


i wouldnt' say it isn't normal for a girl and and older man to be so close.. I am married to a man 17 years older than myself.. their are others here also very committed and in love with their older men who are much closer to your age than I am. I am 30 and he is 46 turning 47 this year...... It's very normal...

What isn't normal is for him saying he doesn't want to lose that daughter figure but yet he's kissing you and trying to get intimate... If you can't let this guy know that this needs to stop.... Then You may have to change.... You can find work anywhere... expecially if its in the Medical field..

Yah I know age-gap relationships are normal between two adults... what I meant about the girl/older man thing in my case was that because he was a friend of the family and my Dad wasn't really there for me, ever since I was a small child, we were very close. That perhaps isn't quite so normal.

I talked to him today and we decided to distance ourselves from each other. After all, it'll only be this summer, because, provided I get the grades I'll be off to Uni after the summer holidays. Thanks for helping me think this through... I think I just need people telling me that I absolutely cannot embark on an affair, because when I'm with him I often lose that grip on reality...

I honestly don't know what to say. As far as the age difference itself is concerned, there are other people on this board who have age differences similar to yours and they claim to be very happy and well adjusted. As for the "daughter figure" thing, I've always hated the words "father figure" and "daughter figure", and other terms like it. I think people get way too psycho-analytical when reflecting on these relationships. However, he IS married! That is probably your biggest problem! He has a wife and [family ??] he is committed to and who need him to be there for them. I do agree that, if he wants to continue to be "like a father" to you, and yet tries to kiss and get intimate with you, that is very awkward.

You need to decide what you're attracted to in a man. If you are attracted to much older men, than go find a single older guy who knows the kind of relationship he wants.

Hi. At 18 you are just beginning to find yourself and what you want, and 10 years from now you may want something very different from what you have now. Teens and 20s are all about CHANGES, and you don't want to lock yourself into this.

This guy has a whole life behind him and is looking for some fun. It sounds to me like a case of middle-aged boredom, with you as the plaything of the week. Even if he has genuine feelings for you, DON'T tie your life up with this guy with an age gap like that. I have an 18 year old cousin and if he got involved with someone that much older I would have a real problem with it, as would most of our family, if not all of them. It's just tooo weird, with that many years between you, especially when one of the ages is 18. No matter how "mature" you think you are, or others tell you you are (they may have their own agenda), that will come back to bite you in a few years.

He is definitely a father figure, no doubt, and that is a valid term that is used by analysts for a reason. You're wise to observe and acknowledge that. So stay on that track and stop thinking of him romantically. I am SURE you can do better!

I would keep myself very occupied with friends in your own age range, and stay busy with activities that keep you away from this guy. When you have to be around him, be polite but keep your distance, and let him know that your life is just beginning and you have way too many plans for the future to get involved in anything as dead-end as that.

You're in the driver's seat, honey. Now drive away... :-)

Take care, and have a fun summer with friends of both sexes and guys that won't need Viagra in a few years...

B

Yeah I sometimes get the feeling that he's taking advantage of me... but then I feel like I've encouraged him by reciprocating.

What is wrong with yr situation as you have rightly pointed out yrself is not that this guy is so much older, coz lots of us are in relationships with 20 year gaps and find them just great, but the fact that he knows it is wrong yet he still has persisted in making you uncomfortable. Now you doubt your own instincts.

He is married. This in itself has given you early warning signs. Not only is he in a relationship with someone else, but by his own admission he sees you and relates to you like a daughter, a child of his by proxy, and he wants to commence a sexual relationship with you. WTF.....stay away from him, that is sick stuff. That is more than awkward, its not right...he has been a predominant person in your life, you treat him as a parent, what kind of healthy parent wants to start a sexual thing with their child...

Don't harbour his secret, tell your parents why you aren't comfortable, don't stay in the workplace if you don't have to, use your family connections to transfer your placement to another workplace, set some boundaries of your own and re-establish what you feel is right. Above all trust your instincts.

Oh and beachcomber, this is an age gap relationship support site, your comments are less than welcome and only perpetuate the myths surrounding our relationships and show you to inhabit a very narrow world. Look around my friend your analysis doesn't hold water on this site...

I read your post, and I could relate to your feelings of being confused. When an older man whom you trust and look up to starts to become someone who you might possible become Romantic with it can be a very overwhelming and confusing feeling. You mst be strong now and assume the position of a woman with strength. You must decide what you really want, make a decision and stay along that path. What he is doing to you is unfair and irresponsible. Unless of course you want his sexual attention. Personally, I have no judgement about him being married because he could be in an possible situation in which it might be alright considering that he and you decide what you are comfortable with in that situation. He and his wife could be in a financial agreement etc. which would render them free to be with other people. If you do thing your being with her would hurt her or his family than that is also pressure to have to deal with and more signs that he is not being very honorable in this situation. However, he is probably still a great person even if he is having a few confusions of his own. what is most important is what you decide and that you stay with your decision.

Ladies, gents we are talking about a married man hitting on a young woman he has been a father figure to, in the workplace.
1. he was a father figure, now he wants to be a lover
2. he has backed her into a corner so she believes she is somehow doing something to encourage him...he doesn't and hasn't needed any encouragement
3. he knows its wrong or he'd have it all out in the open
4. she is forced to cover up for him
5. sexual advances in the workplace are called sexual harrassment for a reason.

I'm sorry but adriael if you were the wife in this situation I bet you wouldn't be taking the oh its ok there must be extenuating circumstances approach.

he hasn't come clean about his marriage, and I bet 10 - 1, he wouldn't be wanting to sit down with his wife and this young woman and discuss what's going on.

If you cover up for him you are going to get hurt. he wants a plaything and if you want to be it go for it, but at any age there are better things to be than someone's accessory, it's got nothing to do with age and everything to do with values and integrity. He wants a covert affair, do you want to be it???

I agree with you Freespirit....


Like Free said.... He's MARRIED.....That is a no no anyway you look at it....
He said he sees her as a Daughter figure... Would a father sleep with his Daughter?? This is what gives The Age Gap relationships a bad name..... My Husband NEVER looked at me like I was his daughter... I was his equal when we met and to this day..... I am his Wife in everyway.... I have a baby with him and I hope to god my husband wouldn't look at me as his daughter Their is just something just not right about that......

She needs to RUN and run fast from this.. This will ONLY end up in disaster

^ Yup, he's defo not in one of those marriages of financial agreement.
He explained that its more that because I'm older now he's struggling to see me as a daughter type person and not an adult who he can treat as his equal... but that doesn't make this anymore right..

Ladies, gents we are talking about a married man hitting on a young woman he has been a father figure to, in the workplace.
1. he was a father figure, now he wants to be a lover
2. he has backed her into a corner so she believes she is somehow doing something to encourage him...he doesn't and hasn't needed any encouragement
3. he knows its wrong or he'd have it all out in the open
4. she is forced to cover up for him
5. sexual advances in the workplace are called sexual harrassment for a reason.

I do hate to see people viewing him as such a bad person though.. I know that's the obvious impression but we're both behaving badly and I feel as much backed into a corner because of my own feelings for him as his advances. Its not as clear cut as him just sexually harrassing me; you could make a case for me just being naive and/or not understanding, but I like to think I'm not that stupid. That said.. I do have to cover up for him so to speak, because I shudder to think of what would happen if I told my parents.

Anyways - our being distance-not getting too friendly type thing is going well for now. I do miss him though.. if only my friends wouldn't keep telling me that because I have such major commitment issues a no strings affair is exactly what I need :( Thanks for the input/advice which enforces to me that I do not need this.

Enthuse ((hugs)) you come across as a smart articulate young woman...and maybe you do need a no strings affair lol...just don't go down the path with a married man...whatever his relationship with his wife it is none of your business...that is between them and the fact he considers it ok shows how little integrity he has...

your sig says it...love truth....he is either lying to you or he will lie to his wife...to get what he wants...this is manipulation....gauranteed to cause problems for you...

if older men attract you look for one who is available, who is done with his marriage ...then you can relax...the fact you are having issues with this situation is an idication ...how it starts is how it will continue...covert affairs cause pain for someone...

He explained that its more that because I'm older now he's struggling to see me as a daughter type person and not an adult who he can treat as his equal
this should be yr warning sign...you are a daughter like person to him and you are an adult...this is who you are...children grow up but it doesn't make them available as a sexual partner...he can't see that he wants you to be his fantasy the child like dream girl....


I do have to cover up for him so to speak, because I shudder to think of what would happen if I told my parents.

tell your parents, get their take on it, don't keep secrets for this type of man, that's what allows them to do this kind of stuff. Get it out in the open, if its a healthy relationship choice people will be supportive. if not its always good to get the opinion of people you respect that you are close to.

While I stifle my incredulous giggles.


Your "friends" are telling you that exactly what you need is a "no-strings affair?"


AS IF there is any such THING between an 18-year-old and a married man who is a family friend?!

Excuse me again while I run screaming from the room!!!!

What kind of "friends" do you have, girl, and how can you possibly think that boffing a married man will solve your oh-so-horrible "commitment issues?"

(Again, you're 18. If you still have such commitment issues in 20 years, THEN they'll be an ISSUE.)

Please don't do this. There is no way you will NOT regret it. And yes, you should tell your parents and you DEFINITELY should leave this job. Make this easier on yourself, your future self, to not hate the naive young self you are right now at a later date. Get away, post-haste.

Free Your post really sums it up!!

I can't really say anymore than He's Married.....!!! and He sees you as a DAUGHTER... think about yoru father would you want him to look at you like that?


DAT it's NICE to see you back!!! :)

What kind of "friends" do you have, girl, and how can you possibly think that boffing a married man will solve your oh-so-horrible "commitment issues?"
Friends can be very persuasive.. but just because they say that I 'need' an affair doesn't mean that I believe it to be the case. Not at all. I'm avoiding him as best I can, and while I don't feel I can tell my parents everything, I may attempt to hint to my Dad that things are a bit, uh, awkward between me and Richard. I think he was already getting suspicious of us spending so much time together. Sorry if I came across as some idiot teenager who thinks all her problems will be solved by a married man..

On the contrary. You seem too smart to be considering this, no matter how perversely thrilling it may feel to toy with it.

This guy is not unhappily married. He has known you since you were way, WAY underage. He is someone your family ostensibly trusts with their daughter.

This guy is acting really gross.

Now whether I say you ought to know better yourself or you're too naive to know better at all, that lets him off the hook. It's cool to be into older men, it's even cool I think to have less-than-perfect reasons for being into them. But this has gotta weird you out!

I think you will regret it if you go through with this. All I'm saying is pretend you have the wisdom even if you don't, and don't do it.