A story of 34 year age difference, can you give feedback?

To those who might be concerned and provide some thoughtful and meaningful advice:

I am 21 and my OM is 55. It is one of the more extreme age differences I think and I am often distressed about it. I have been with him for over a year and known him for two years. He was my college professor. We were very close and I would go and talk to him about all kinds of things and I had no intention at all of being romantic with him, though from the moment I met him I felt intensely connected to him and that I loved him though this love was not perceived as romantic. I looked up to him as a teacher/Guru kind of figure and he was the most exciting thing in my life. I was very depressed when I met him and his presence always elevated me. After I had known him for a year I went to his office as usual one day and I started talking about some very personal matters, mostly being frustrated with my love life. I know that this sounds odd but in context of our relationship it was not. I told him that I had been very sexually frustrated and I asked him if some of my expectations were not off base. His reply was very shocking to me at the time, in which he told me that he could personally help me if I was having sexual problems. This was very confusing to me at first and made me very nervous. But finally it made me curious and I made an impulsive decision to sleep with him. 6 months later I found out that I totally misinterpreted him and that he had not meant that he wanted to sleep with me. When I proposed that we sleep together it was as actually a big surprise for him, yet of course he did not turn it down. Despite this very odd beginning to the change of our relationship, when we made love first there was incredible bonding and chemistry. For the first time someone had given me an orgasm and made me feel sexually satisfied while at the same time there was such a depth to him and our love-making that we could not stop. We continued for another three months in the best time of my life so far until we decided that we are in love and we want to be together permanently. At that moment everything changed for me as I became very worried about what everyone will think of my relationship. About four months ago my family found out because my mother broke into my e-mail account. I have forgiven her for that and my family has been relatively accepting of it. Though my stepdad clearly does not approve and thinks that my OM is some kind of necromancer. Anyway, My major concern now is about living my life openly with such an older man. Does anyone have experience with this. How did your 20-something friends react? I am worried that all of my friends will find me freakish and I will lose the social support and social life of a 21-year old by being with him. Any Comments?

Don't any of your friends have any idea at this point? People are different I spose... I'm not in an age-gap relationship but am teetering on the edge of one and my friends seem oddly supportive considering he's 25 years older and married.. in my case that's perhaps an example of having the wrong sort of friends.. but if you are both in such a loving relationship, and your family is fairly accepting already, then surely your friends shouldn't react too badly?
I know its a cliche but if you're happy don't worry about what other people think. As for the social life, I don't see why you should completely stop socialising with your current friends just because you're with somebody older. I can empathise with the scared of commitment thing, but you sound secure in your relationship and the next step of openly being with him can be achieved even if some of your friends find you 'freakish'.. if they see that you're happy surely they won't be so judging?

Thanks for the replies so far. I really appreciate them. I think my situation is a bit difficult because a lot of my friends know him as their professor and even when it is safe to come out with the information I am afraid because of all the bad stigma around professor/student relationships. Because of the kind of person he is he knows a lot of students on a casual basis and we have a lot of mutual friends. Moreover, I worry about social settings. I would rather not take him to bars and stuff, or go dancing or do the things that I like to do with the friends of my age. It is very awkward for me when he is there and we have gone out before and got dirty looks the whole night. So while I am happy with our relationship I am sad that I cannot engage in a carefree manner in all the activities of being young. My friends dont know about it because of this situation and the one friend I have that I told seems kind of judgemental about it anyway. Thoughts?

In reply to SkiBunny, in my case it is very obvious that he is older than me. He looks like my grandfather and people often ask me if he is my grandfather. I just laugh because I dont take these kind of comments to heart or anything. I guess I am just wondering, am I shallow? I feel like if I am with him I will never have the chance at a normal life. If I leave him for age difference would I ever be able to forgive myself for leaving a great relationship just because I wanted to feel accepted by society and others? I suppose what this all really means is that I am not mature enough to handle a situation like this. I am so confused. When we are not together I think about the age gap often and it undermines the happiness of my daily life. But when I am with him I never really think about it and I am so happy. He has never met my parents and exist only in theory to them, but can I really bring him home to the family barbecue?

Hello,
I will comment because I am in a similar situation as you. I'm 24 and my man is 58. We've been together for almost four years and living together for just over three. We met as co-workers and started dating a couple months after meeting each other. It was less like dating, more like...we couldn't tear ourselves away from each other. We both realized very early into the relationship that we want to be together forever or for as long as the fates allow. It sounds very much like you are in the same sort of relationship. To make my long story short, its nearly four years later and we love each other more and more every day.

With a little respect and understanding, it was pretty easy to sort out our varied social lives. I'm sure your OM loves you and doesn't want to stand in the way of the experiences one can only have in their early 20s. In my relationship, if I want to go out with my friends some night, I go. If my man wants to come he's more than welcome. If not, I'll see him when I get home or when he gets home if he ends up going out somewhere. Its only a source of stress I think if you make it one. I don't try to force social situations on him, nor him on me, because it only makes the two of us or the people we're around uncomfortable and angry. A lot of the times he does come with me to hang out with my 20 something friends and he has a good time. Quite honestly, my friends, while a little creeped out by the whole thing at first, have grown to really like him, and deep down I think they are a little envious of the respect, goodwill and maturity that maybe they don't have in relationships with guys or girls their own age. Similarly, I enjoy hanging out with his friends. I get along with them well, and while some of them assigned dubious motivations to our relationship at first, the more they get to know me, the more they like me and realize we are quite simply very happy together.

And if the people you are around, say your friends and other family, don't eventually come around and that really bothers and/or if you're feeling of dred or unease that creeps in when he's not right there smiling at you just won't go away... then you have a choice to make. Finding the maturity to be in a huge age gap relationship (or in any situation where you're totally confused but the stakes are high) is a matter of understanding the choices that you have to make, making them for yourself, and following through with with the reality of those choices as time goes on. The more honest you are with yourself, the better the situation will turn out. You're the one that has to look in the mirror every morning, (and I'm willing to guarantee that a lot of the people whose feelings you worry about now if you even worry about that, will be gone from your life for a wide variety of reasons 10-15 years from now. )

I can say though from going through this experience, there's no easy way out. If you tell him you can't go through with it, for any number of reasons, your heart gets broken and you have to deal with that broken heart for however long it takes to beat it. Some people never beat a broken heart and totally succumb to it. Or you jump in with both feet, you will deal with the stares and the awkward moments, and certain "close" friends that will stop returning your phone calls...probably to some degree, for the rest of your life (and he will too I'm sure, especially as a professional). Either way, you're going to have to stand up big to get through this. And there's no wrong answer, and no shame in either choice.

Its not to say that you'll never regain the self sense that you used to have of "normalcy." 4 years into this relationship, I feel totally normal. Yes it took a bit to get there, but I made it. I'm truly comfortable and happy. Generally, people who will turn your relationship into an issue will do it when its convenient for them to do so. But I find most people are too busy with their own lives, loves, problems and desires to put much more than surface thought or bar conversation into yours. The more normal you feel in your relationship, the more comfortable everyone else will be with it, it will just rub off naturally. You probably feel like you have no shot at a normal life in this relationship, only because you have tried it on and stretched it out yet so to speak. You may find after a little time that you can't remember exactly what it felt like to not feel normal.

I know how confusing it all is though. I sympathize heavily with your situation and have probably wondered more than once, why me? Why him? Why this now? My advice is don't go crazy over those questions. Otherwise you are going to get lost in a sea of 'what-ifs' and 'what thens' that could all change in a millisecond anyway. Get a good laugh at how one person can be so blessed and cursed at the same time, and keep moving forward. Most people don't ask for or want half the things that are thrown at them in life. The crucial decisions after those fateful catylists though, are all yours to be made.

It would be cool if you posted updates on your relationship. If you don't mind of course. I hope you found at least some of this to be helpful. Or at the very least, hopeful. Like I said, I'm in the exact same situation as you and quite honestly, its been beautiful. I really hope you find the same kind of peace and happiness in whatever you decide to do. Good luck! :)

Gosh....If their was just one message I could really get across to members on this board....I wish it could just be that the AGE doesn't matter. It just doesnt matter!

If you are happy when you are with him, and he is happy when he is with you....what anyone else thinks (really, including your parents) just does not matter because they do not live your life. YOUR happiness is what matters most. YOU are the one who is going to wake up every day living your life with the person you choose to live it with.

If you are happy with this man, and he with you, and you give that up because SOMEONE ELSE wants you to...then you really are not being fair to yourself and looking out for yourself. I truly believe if you do not watch out for yourself and your needs in this world, no-one else is going to do it for you.

It, indeed, may be shocking to other people when they first find out....It probably will be shocking to your parents to see you together. They may be disappointed, because they have the impression that by being with this person you are somehow giving up some things they feel you should have....and that's okay. They are supposed to do that...they are your parents, and it's just ingrained in them to do their best to watch out for you. Try to remember that when if they say anything that might hurt your feelings.

In the end...I think you do have to be somewhat of a strong person to make a large age-gap relationship last, but I also believe that you can find the strength within yourself if it is something that is really important to you.

So, you and your man need to sit down and have a talk about where your relationship goes from here...but during that conversation, only take into consideration the issues that exist between the two of you. Decide what to do based on what you have together.

If you do decide to stay together, I can tell you from experience that most everyone will come around eventually over time...and if you don't stay together, at least you know you made that decision based on both of your wants and needs...and you won't have regret in the future thinking that you may have given up something wonderful for the wrong reasons.

Good luck to you...((hugs))

Hi, I am a lurker and I post infrequently but I thought I'd put my two cents in here...

My boyfriend of about 1 1/2 years is 15 years older than me, I am 26 and he is 41. We met when I was 24.

Adriael, in your original post you made a comment about losing the social support and the social life of a 'typical' 21 year old because you are dating someone older than you. My commentary on that thought is this:

Someone else said it here, if he really cares about you he would encourage you to live your life, and encourage you to be the 21 year old you want to be!

The two of you don't have to spend 24-7 together. You have your friends, he has his, and if they all can come together and 'hang out' sometimes, then great! He doesn't have to come out with you all the time, just like you don't have to go out with him all the time. You don't have to do everything together, it can be really healthy to have independence, too! Chances are he isn't going to want to go to the club and do shooters and dance the night away anyways. :D

Your friends, in time, will understand he makes you *happy*! And if they are truly your friends, they will be happy for you for that reason alone.

Age doesn't matter at all. YOUR happiness matters!

Gosh....If their was just one message I could really get across to members on this board....I wish it could just be that the AGE doesn't matter. It just doesnt matter!

If you are happy when you are with him, and he is happy when he is with you....what anyone else thinks (really, including your parents) just does not matter because they do not live your life. YOUR happiness is what matters most. YOU are the one who is going to wake up every day living your life with the person you choose to live it with.

If you are happy with this man, and he with you, and you give that up because SOMEONE ELSE wants you to...then you really are not being fair to yourself and looking out for yourself. I truly believe if you do not watch out for yourself and your needs in this world, no-one else is going to do it for you.

It, indeed, may be shocking to other people when they first find out....It probably will be shocking to your parents to see you together. They may be disappointed, because they have the impression that by being with this person you are somehow giving up some things they feel you should have....and that's okay. They are supposed to do that...they are your parents, and it's just ingrained in them to do their best to watch out for you. Try to remember that when if they say anything that might hurt your feelings.

In the end...I think you do have to be somewhat of a strong person to make a large age-gap relationship last, but I also believe that you can find the strength within yourself if it is something that is really important to you.

So, you and your man need to sit down and have a talk about where your relationship goes from here...but during that conversation, only take into consideration the issues that exist between the two of you. Decide what to do based on what you have together.

If you do decide to stay together, I can tell you from experience that most everyone will come around eventually over time...and if you don't stay together, at least you know you made that decision based on both of your wants and needs...and you won't have regret in the future thinking that you may have given up something wonderful for the wrong reasons.

Good luck to you...((hugs))


Wonderful post Jody, wonderful *claps*

Reading all of your posts made me so happy. I even cried to think that people I dont even know are willing to put out some encouragement and support for me in such a difficult time in my life. All of your comments were really helpful. I will try to keep you updated on the relationship as Vivalagourami suggested. I think that this past week was probably the hardest for me yet because it has become obvious to both of us that my fears and anxiety about our age gap is ruining our relationship. I feel so immature and egocentric for caring so much about how I appear to other people. But, I don't know how to just change. I am ruining the relationship in that I feel the need constantly to remind him that he is too old for me to committ to for a long time. He in turn becomes insecure and cannot feel free and comfortable with me because it seems like any day now I am just going to get up and leave. I do this to him because I am afraid of committment and making a decision now at such a young age that I will regret later. I have a very big practical side that I can very easily use to suppress my emotions. Anyway, though I love this man so much its like part of me keeps telling me that I am not allowed to love him. I suppose I just sound highly dysfucntional but I suppose this relationship came in my life partly for the reason to show me these faults in my personality. Because without this I never would have had the opportunity to see how shallow I can really be. Even at the cost of sabotaging my happiness I will do so in order to seek the approval of others. So I realize now that it has very little to do with the age gap at all, its about looking bad and not being able to deal with the confrontation of other people. And its also about having this feeling or this picture of how your life should look, and seeing the disparity between the fantasy picture and the real one. Anyone have any tips on how to be less shallow :)? My whole life I thought I was so precocious and now I realize I am so immature. I guess it just takes time.....but I want to get mature faster :p . Ugh, thanks again for all the feedback...it really helps......

p.s--if I sound a little dark and self-defeating just know I've had a really bad week. :)

Boy don't I know your situation...

I'm 21, my boyfriend is 47. Not quite the same gap as your relationship, but pretty close.

Deep down, my family knows about this relationship. They've questioned it to some extent, but as of now I'm not ready quite yet to let them in for sure. Maybe part of me is scared to tell them because I fear disappointing them somehow. But still, I wouldn't change anything with my relationship with my boyfriend. He makes me happy, and that's what counts.

As for my social circle, my 20-something friends have had various degrees of support for me and my situation. Some are supportive, but the second my OM and I have an argument, I hear the words, "Well he's too old for you anyway. You need to find someone your own age." Many have talked behind my back about how stupid/gross/weird/etc I'm being, but then the second they're looking at me face to face, they're supportive. It gets frustrating, and so therefore it's no wonder that I've found myself suddenly watching a growing rift between people who had previously been my closest friends..

But I still go on because only I know my feelings. And despite some of the people who label me as a gold-digger or a girl needing a sugar daddy, I do have those few friends who see that I'm, quite simply, happy. And they meet my boyfriend and see that I'm finally in a relationship that is not destructive, but I'm actually with a guy who cares about me, my feelings, and who is a genuinely nice person who has nothing but good intentions in all aspects of his life.

And you know what? The people that do see my relationship for what it really is are the ones who matter. And I'd rather have a few close friends than an army of so-so ones.

Katie

Thanks for being real katie.......It's good to have someone you can totally relate to. My best friend is the only one who knows, but she is just like, "How is this going to work?" and she sides with my stepdad and thinks that if he thinks it is wrong than it must be. I guess she isn't such a good friend after all.......I'm so scared to tell anyone other friends but its so hard to face it all alone. Right now my mom is the best friend I got and I guess its not a bad friend to have. :). But I wish that I had someone my age who could say hey, do what's cool for you I still think you are kickin' it.

There are some great posts in this thread! I like how most of you, while you may have concerns about what other think, ultimately reject that it should influence your life! What matters is your happiness and your needs, and not what somebody might say or think. Yes, you will have to be a strong person, and sad to say you won't get everyone's approval. There are some pretty narrow-minded people out there. But in the end, if you pursue your desire and find happiness with the person you choose to be with, you win!

I wish I had this kind of encouragement 15 years ago when I worried alot about age!

I think that, with the internet, people are starting to change the way they think. People go out on web and find like-minded people whatever their interest, and, lo and behold, find out that it's okay to be who they are. Twenty years ago, when people's only exposure was TV, magazines, tabloids, newspapers and a narrow circle of local friends, it was alot harder for those with different desires to seek their happiness. Those who worried about it would write to "Dear Sheela" or "Dear Meg" or "Dear ...", and get totally put off -- if they got any response at all (which usually took a month!). Or they would go seek councelling somewhere. It was alot harder then for a 21-year old woman to imagine that somewhere out there is someone just like her with a boyfriend / fiance / husband 20+ years older who can relate... or for a middle-aged guy to imagine that somewhere out there is a young woman with someone his age, or someone who would consider him eligible.

I know because I remember those days! When I hit my 30s age was a big worry for me. Now it all seems so ridiculous that I let it be that! Now that people's exposure has broadened, so have their horizons and thinking. Let's hear it for the World Wide Web and sites like AgelessLove.com!

Let's hear it for the World Wide Web and sites like AgelessLove.com!

Amen! Early in my relationship, I went to Yahoo looking for something.. anything actually.. about age-gap relationships. I didn't care if it was a single post on some obscure bulletin board in the middle of the WWW ocean.. I just wanted something.

And you know what? I found agelesslove.com.

I think I struck a goldmine...

Katie