Heart4 Dots 05-30-2005, 05:24 PM Hi,
I was having an enjoyable Memorial Day weekend untill I was approached by two family members (one being my mother) who volunteered the information that they do not approve of my relationship and gave me details as to why (the kid thing, taking care of him when I'm 50, him being desperate to want a young girl). For awhile my mother was very upset and I felt bad for making her mad. (i'm 26 my bf is 54- been together 2 years.)
The whole drive home I was sad, then furious. For a long time I could not pinpoint my feelings; I just knew I was frustrated and hurt. Then a thought dawned on me. When so-called "well-meaning" adults impose their views on how I should live my life, it insults my intelligence. I'm old enough to make my own decisions. By telling me to "really think about what I'm doing" (there's nothing theyv'e said that I havent' thought about myself) it just wants me to go running into his arms proclaiming, "see, I can do this on my own and the only person who knows what's best for me is me so ha!" This gives me a biased view on things and clouds my judgement. If they really want to help, they can keep their views to themselves and let me decide. Otherwise, I may end up with him just to spite them, you know what I mean? I welcome any of your thoughts or words of encouragement (I need it!) on this. Thanks.
taggertail 05-30-2005, 05:58 PM Hi Heart,
My thoughts are........
I think you should call your mother up on the phone and say...... I see your wisdom now, Your so very right! I think its insane for people of two seprate ages to try and keep a relationship going!...The insanity of people of diffrent ages trying to care for and support and love each other throughout time is just crazy!
So I'm going to end our relationship MOTHER before I get hurt by YOUR age!! :D
Just kidding!
Seriously, it sounds like you have your feelings and thoughts sorted out already and I'm just sorry other people in your life can not see that what makes you happy in life should make them happy for you.
Heart4 Dots 05-30-2005, 06:16 PM thanks for replying, taggertail! That was pretty funny...it's like, I'm living my life for me, not for my mother But will there be these feellings of alienation? I hate to say this but sometimes I feel like seeing him secretly like i did for the first 2.5 years of our relationship. I also had a dream earlier, similar to the "runaway bride" epidemic. I dreamt that I met someone my family loved, but I did not. I stand him up on our wedding day (just like the scene in "the Wedding Singer") and run off w/ my bf to Vegas. Sound like plan? ha.
Ariel22 05-30-2005, 08:13 PM delete..........
MerAlove23 05-30-2005, 08:19 PM All I can say is your old enough to make your own decisions and it seems like you have already got them sorted out like Taggertail said!!!
I would tell your mom thanks for the concern I understand that your worried and love me.. HOwever, I love this man and we are happy together.... and That you love her also... but this is a decision you need to make on your own.. and If it doesn't work I am the only one to blame however If its the right thing to ever happen to me I don't ever want to let it go... Please understand and respect that.... Thats what I would say .. .
I wish you luck and go with your heart don't lose something that could be the best thing that has ever happened to you!!
Keep us Posted!!
Heart4 Dots 05-31-2005, 06:09 AM Thank you Merlove and Amanda for your replies. They were both very helpful and they made a lot of sense! I'm just a little worried that this will strain the relationship between my mother and I (we are very close). Besides, she's not the type of person to talk directly to me if something bugs her, she'll talk to other family memebers about it. She's talked about my sister behind her back for three years b/c she doesn't like her husband.
I have some new thoughts and your input would be appreciated:
Should I sit my mom down next weekend and talk to her about this? I didn't say much yesterday b/c I didn't want to start an argument. Or should I continue to keep things as is and wait for her to bring it up again?
If you are close to your family and they do not approve of your relationship, is that grounds for a break-up? By the way, we would both like a long-term relationship and have talked about marriage.
I'm so mad b/c I feel like I have to choose between them and him. I'm very upset.
Thanks for your replies!
amandalee 05-31-2005, 07:51 AM I think you should call your mother up on the phone and say...... I see your wisdom now, Your so very right! I think its insane for people of two seprate ages to try and keep a relationship going!...The insanity of people of diffrent ages trying to care for and support and love each other throughout time is just crazy!
So I'm going to end our relationship MOTHER before I get hurt by YOUR age!! :D
Good one. :D :D
amandalee 05-31-2005, 08:22 AM Hello Heart4Dots,
I understand your conflicts and I know it feels bad.
IMHO no one should dictate what you have to do, but you 've already understood this, it should be your mum to conceive this concept now, but I'm afraid she's not the type of person who would. However, it's not impossible for things to be sorted out and it's not a dead-end road.
She's talked about my sister behind her back for three years b/c she doesn't like her husband.
I completely disagree with your mum's behaviour, and maybe you can nicely point it out to her that this manner she's not solving anything and definately is not showing a gesture of her maternal love.
Should I sit my mom down next weekend and talk to her about this? I didn't say much yesterday b/c I didn't want to start an argument. Or should I continue to keep things as is and wait for her to bring it up again?
I think it's better to sit her down and speak rather than wait for her, it may be too late. You don't necessarily have to argue (although sometimes inevitable), but just speak out like MerAlove suggested.......(if there is no family unfinished business)
If you are close to your family and they do not approve of your relationship, is that grounds for a break-up? By the way, we would both like a long-term relationship and have talked about marriage.
The criteria for the grounds of a break-up can be decided only by you because you know the situation better and you've lived it yourself. Again, if there is no unfinished business pending somewhere in the past, then your mother should be able to understand, and be happy for you. What makes me doubt is that your mother still speaks bad behind your sister's husband, even though they are happily married (i am assuming, and probably that's another strory of its own).
What I mean is, that your mum may never accept your relationship because she's unable to be happy for others' happiness or because if you refuse to obey her (i.e. keeping your AGR), she subconsciously punishes you by not giving you the approval that you're 'begging' for. There may be other reasons as well as I know only a small fraction of you and your family.
These are just my ideas, pls disregard them if you don't feel they don't apply to you
I'm so mad b/c I feel like I have to choose between them and him. I'm very upset.
Thanks for your replies!
People who love you and respect you will never put you in a position that you have to choose between them and someone else.
fos4snt 05-31-2005, 09:06 AM People who love you and respect you will never put you in a position that you have to choose between them and someone else.
I so TOTALLY agree with this statement.
I think parents feel a need to express their concerns to their children, and in all honesty, it is within their rights ~ if not downright a duty. HOWEVER, once expressed, it should be let go.
When my mother first found out about my AGR with Litical, she was irate. So much so, discussion was NOT an option for either of us. But, believe me... I felt her scorching disapproval and it hurt. Litical's parents were much more verbal from the getgo. About 9 months after Litical and I had been dating, my mother sent me an email which outlined all her extensive reasoning for her disapproval. To be honest, while it was painful to read, it gave me an opportunity to rebut ~ after extensive thought!! To have done that face to face would have been explosive and ugly. So, I thank my mother for putting her fears and concerns in writing and thinking them through clearly.
Almost all her reasons had to do with what "other" people will think.
Since then, she no longer rolls her eyes when I talk about him. She appreciates the things he does for our family and my children and even told me last week on vacation... "He sure is a weird young man, but he's a good man."
It's taken a LOT of time for her to adjust and see that he is good for me. (Mind you, I'm from the other side... Litical is 13.5 years younger than I am!)
The one saving grace in all of this is that I LET her have her opinions and concerns and addressed them maturely, when I had thought them out thoroughly. I did not get mad at her. I still do not resent either Litical's parents OR mine for being upset and concerned! It's their job!
It becomes a problem when they cannot accept your choices after all has been said and all the cards laid on the table.
She doesn't have to like, love or live with your OM. YOU do. Of course she is going to worry about what pain you might face in the future.
My former MIL married an OM and while I KNOW she doesn't regret having done so, she has told me she doesn't recommend it to anyone. It's difficult to watch your SO decline while you are in the prime of your life. It's painful... and I ache for her while she has spent the last 8 weeks in ICU with her husband who is very ill, and whom we all truly adore ~ who helped raise her four children and is an amazing grandfather. It takes a very, very strong person to stand up for their love and be willing to take whatever discrimination, cruelty and lack of acceptance society has to offer ~ along with the risks involved in an AGR on top of that. But, your strength is one of the things that truly makes you beautiful and amazing as a person.
You do not have to choose... but you DO have to choose to endure the lack of acceptance. And only YOU can decide if its worth it.
For me... it's worth it to be with Litical.
For my ex-MIL (and still wonderful friend) its worth it to be with her husband, her confidant, her amazing, gentle, wonderful OM.
~phosphorescent
Heart4 Dots 05-31-2005, 10:47 AM Thank you, Amanda Lee and Phos4sent for taking the time to write such insightful and admirable posts. This sure is a tough situation and I have a lot of soul searching to do. Phos, if you don't mind my asking, what is the age difference of your ex-mil and her husband? I'm sorry she has to go through that. It's something I've thought about as well, especially since my bf is diabetic.
fos4snt 05-31-2005, 12:35 PM Phos, if you don't mind my asking, what is the age difference of your ex-mil and her husband? I'm sorry she has to go through that.
She is 56 this year and he is 68. It's not a huge age difference. 12 years, I believe. She is a very young 56, though. (You honestly wouldn't think she was over 45... she's SO lively!)
In the last 10 years, he has suffered various skin cancers (melanoma's), and they believed he was developing esophogial cancer (which is how his father died), so he insisted on the surgery to remove his esophogus while my ex-MIL attended nursing school. The first half of the surgery itself went fine, but he got a staph infection in the hospital that they haven't been able to beat these past 8 weeks and he's so scared by this whole experience, he is refusing the second half of the surgery ~ which will free him from all the machinery he is currently on and allow him to eat again. :( It's a very tough situation for her... and my heart aches for them both.
But keep in mind, they have been married for approximately 25 years. They raised 10 kids together (his 6, her 4) and a slew of grandchildren, my son being one of them.
Many people in non-AGRs don't get that long together! But, she still thinks it would be easier if she were older herself. Easier to accept his decline if she were declining, too.
On the flip side, her first husband... who is the same age as she is... was diagnosed a few months back with terminal lung cancer. So, even if she had stayed with him and been miserable ~ she would still be in a very similar situation.
~phos
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