Need some support

I have always dated - been involved with younger men. I am 38. Mye x-husband is 31. When we got married he was 22 adn I was 28. We've been split for going on 5 years. Anyway - my dilemna is I have recently gotten involved in the biggest, most drastic relationship in my whole life. I am seeing my ex's nephew - he is 19. He'll be 20 in 2 weeks. I just turned 38 yesterday.

It started about 6 months ago with us flirting, talking, etc. He is always at my ex's huose and when I go to pick up our daughter (she is 7) - we would talk. Well, I got his cell # and we started talking "privately". I invited him over one day and taht was it -- it was "on". That was about a month ago. We have been together several (wonderful) times since. He usually spends the night. I have never met someone so sweet and deep. He listens to me so intently, helps me with my self esteem, etc. BUT - he has made it clear that this can never come out in teh open. It's like when we're together - we're a "couple" -- but if/when we talk about on the phone or whatever he has a differant attitude. He always comforts me and says he will always be there for me - but it can never come out.

He spent the night with me last night. He said he didn't want me to be alone on my birthday. That was the sweetest gesture anybody has done for me in a LONG time. Anyway, we had a great time as usual - but now comes the "when will we see each other again - intimately?" I will see him today when I go to pick my daughter up (she was at her dad's last night - she knows nothing). We have gotten quite used to talking/chatting in front of my ex. Noone would ever know we are secretly sleeping together (and yes the sex is out of this world).

I hope I don't get too harshly judged. I KNOW this relationship has no future - but it is so important to me. I have told a few of my friends but I would like someone else to talk to who maybe has been there done that. Our "issue" is less the age thing and more the fact that he is my ex's nephew. I have no intention of stopping this relationship either! I do worry that I'm going to get the heave-ho someday when he meets someone else. I've told him that adn he said he is not looking. He told me last night that me and his mother are teh only 2 women in his life. He was really caring last night. Moreso than ever before. But, wondered why he was being like that. The other times we've been together it was awesome, we can talk about ANYTHING and we have SO MUCh in common it freaks us both out. But, last night he behaved more like a "boyfriend" to me.I loved it ofcourse.

Anyway - looking forward to becoming a part of this board.

KC

Well.. I haven't been THERE and done THAT, but I am 33 living with my almost 20 year old YM. (2 weeks... ;) )

I think the thing that worries me most for you is that you KNOW there is no future, he will publicly DENY being with you and therefore you're just setting yourself up for enormous hurt in the long run.

Sure, might be nice for now... and maybe its just what you need! But, you WILL get hurt here. No doubt about it. And it might really upset your daughter and your ex-husband if it ever came out.

I have no qualms with OW/YM relationships... but you might want to rethink this one, as you know there is absolutely no future and you're denying yourself the opportunity to meet someone who WILL be there for you.

Don't you deserve better? Welcome to ageless.
~phosphorescent

Kitty,
Been there, done that. Not exactly like you but I know for a fact that this is not going to last. You are heading to a dead end here.
Its really your decision but if and I suspect that is the case, you have a ray of hope that it will turn out to be something long term, just by the way he is with you, its not going to happen.
If you feel fine with it knowing the outcome and are not emotionnally involved than ok, enjoy while it last but if its not the case, I suggest you end this now before you get really hurt.
Faith47

I know - I have thought about all of the above. And, I can't end it. I'm so lonely. I was dating this guy last summer and he went to jail (drugs - I thought he was clean - he wasn't - liar). Anyway, that relationship really tore me up. That's when I started the flirtation with the nephew. He told me last night that he "knew" immediately we would get together. It's like he hypnotizes me when we are together. It's europhic....... :confused:

So, I wait to see him again. Nobody would understand - I don't understand it myself. A co-worker told me to just look at it as "companionship" -- but I know myself all too well. I'm so emotional, etc. I get attached. I feel like I'm in love with him. I've never been able to converse with ANYBODY (friend/boyfriend/lover) like this. He told me last night that he hasn't felt this "alive" in a long time as he has for the past month with me.

*sigh*

KC

He's acting as a drug for you and that's VERY unhealthy.

Go see a therapist, hon. Your acting in a highly self-destructive manner and you're acutely aware you're doing so. Please get help before you get REALLY hurt?

I know lonely... but there is someone RIGHT for you out there who will be healthy for you, but you need to find yourself and find the ability to be OK by yourself!!!

Validation doesn't come from others... seeking it is fruitless and destructive. You must find it within yourself.

Please see a counselor? Back away from the nephew, too. It's not just YOUR heart you could break... you could mess things up royally with your X and your DAUGHTER.
~phosphorescent

Kitty,
This is call 'co-dependency'!
Why in the world would you stick around this guy because you have some "euphoric" moments? Knowing the outcome!
Look, I'm not here to try to convince you of anything and I am not trying to be mean but it seems like you already made your decision.
So what are you expecting from us exactly?
Faith47

Hi Kitty Cat,

I guess it all depends....

I am concerned why HE doesn't want it to come out. I realize he's your ex's nephew...but I've seen situations where women leave their husbands and marry a brother. Not the best scenario, but it has happened on many occasions.

The fact that it has to be a secret forever (at least that is how I read it) is disconcerting to me. Why can't you two just go out in public as friends, etc. and then let your relationship progress from that point on for all to see, so to speak?

People here have similar gaps to you. Some have larger gaps than you....

If he rocks your world, and you rock his.....then maybe this counseling thing is a good idea. You both go and talk about the family connection, his hesitancy to come out in the open with it, the effect on your daughter, etc. They have honestly heard it all and can help you set the boundaries with the family and with each other.

That's what I'd do if I were in your place.

Welcome to the community.

I've been to therapy guys. Yes, I'm extremely codependant. Easy.

It's more than just some "europhic moments". We talk - for HOURS - we connect. He means somethign to me and I believe I mean something to him. We are "there" for each other.

Perhaps a codependant message board would be more appropriate!

*points up* Excellent post, bubbleee. Said with more sensitivity and tact, too. ;)

Good luck, kitty. I'd just hate to see you get really hurt... pain is not something you want to see someone into... but out of!
~phos

Trust me - we do rock each other's worlds. It's one of the deepest and most genuine and sincere connections I have EVER experienced. He is truly and "old soul".

Actually, I totally understand his reasons for not wanting it to come out. Currently he is living with his grandparents - my ex-inlaws. His mother is going through a divorce and she is also back living there while she finds a house for the two of them. (they were living in another state and have just recently moved back to my state) So, it would not be a great idea to "spring" this on the family right now. Not to mention my relationship with my ex and the nephew's relationship with him is volatile. My ex is a loose cannon and likes to be in everybody's business, etc.

As far as my daughter - I kind of resent the insinuation that I would do ANYTHING to hurt her. I assure you all - that would never happen.

We *are* friends/friendly in public. We sit and talk allot when I pick my duaghter up, her t-ball games, etc. I do not think my daughter would understand and I have no plans to make her cousin become her new step daddy (Jerry Springer time). But, for the moment, I am not willing to end this.

Anyway, ironically I have a therapy appt. Friday night!

KC

Good move Kitty! I'm really glad to see you are going to see someone.
You should of tell us know that before :o

And sorry if I was a bit direct (believe me, I am a caring peson), but I also know that sometimes you need to shake people up a bit.

So, what I did was not to try to be mean but to help. Even if some people seems to think otherwise.
I remember that once I was crying and was at the end of my rope and my cousin who had been through what I was going through shook me up and it helped me. Because she did it for the right reason and it was the right thing to do at that moment.

Welcome to Ageless
Faith47

I KNOW that it is wrong and *probably* a dead end. But, right now - neither me nor him want to end it. We've never even discussed that possibility. I think we both steer clear of it because we know it will/would be painful for us both.

I have the book "Women Who Love Too Much" and have been re-reading it lately. It is helping me allot. I'm trying to be happy with myself and learn to rely on ME. I didn't mean to sound like I was "using him as a drug". I'm not. It is just a fabulous thing and I totally didn't expect it to be like this. It's like the more we see each other - the closer we feel.

Who knows - maybe in 10 yeras when my daughter is off to college we can find each other again? Until then I'm going to take it one day at a time (pardon teh cliche!).

KC

;) You are welcome

You are doing the right moves. The therapist, reading the right books.

Seems like you know what you are doing.

I guess you just needed to talk about it. I understand more now.

Faith47

And, believe it or not --- HE has been a HUGE help to me in all of my "issues". I tell him everything. How I am insecure, how I get depressed, I'm emotional, etc. And, he LISTENS and is extremely gentle with me and comforting. He told me that his wish for me is to be happy with myself, to enjoy my life and to learn how to be my own person. He said he would hold my hand the whole way.

I did just want some gals to chat with about it. Thanks.

KC

Thanks everyone for your honesty. :)

KC

Wasn't trying to imply you'd do anything to hurt your daughter... nope. :eek: Sorry if you took it that way. I'm just a bit sensitive about kids. ;) Moms are like that. LOL. Bet you are, too!

I seriously doubt anyone will slap you around here and you've come to a good place for some girls to chat with, THAT much is for certain.

Just try to keep yourself from getting in too deep with this YM for all the reasons you stated already.

Wishin' ya the best...
~phos