Help for a new girl!

Hello all,

I need some advice/help. I am 23 (almost 24) involved with a man 43 so technically a 19-year age difference. I live in New England and he lives 3000 miles away in California. I've been out to where he lives a few times just to visit friends and for vacation. I was out there last July and we discovered we had feelings for each other. Well ever since I told my parents they have NEVER been in favor of it. My mother really got along well with him on the phone before I let her know of his feelings. They think it’s very wrong for a man his age to be going after me. Anyways, trying to make a long story short, he came out here with another friend just a few weeks ago. My parents surprisingly let him stay at our house. Well he left exactly a week ago yesterday and ever since it has been horrible. My parents can not stand him and have informed me that they are extremely opposed and if I decide to move out there to be with him and marry him my father will not walk me down the aisle and neither of them will attend the wedding. They say if he was closer to my age, they would be fine with things, but that is really unacceptable to them they way it is. Him and I are very much in love but my parents refuse to hear about it. They want me to cut off all contact with him. I would call him on my way to work every morning and on my drive home from work, my mom recently found out about this and of course was very upset. They haven’t come right out and said it but I feel they are making me choose him or them. Mom also informed some family members and she says they are just as upset as my parents are. She says they just love me and are very concerned which I believe, but in the same way they just need to trust me, which I told them. I just don’t know what to do. They think in a few years from now I’ll completely regret my decision and be very unhappy. Age seems to be the only real issue. I don’t want to lose my family but I can’t bear losing the love of my life either. Any advice is welcome! Thanks for listening!

Why don't they like him? Is it ONLY an age thing, or are they upset about things about his personality, past or prospects? Just curious...

... I find if its JUST an age thing, eventually they will get over it when they see that he actually IS good for you.

BUT, if they're mentioning other things about him, listen up. They might be onto something. LOL. (Seriously... love IS blind!)

Again, if its ONLY age they object to... ignore it and enjoy. If its other things, you need to HEAR them and get to the bottom of their concerns.

Anyway, you're an adult in your mid-20s. Your life, not theirs. Maybe you should consider moving out ON YOUR OWN for a while (and not right into his arms... living alone is truly... well.. LIBERATING!)

Welcome to ageless!
~phos

Why don't they like him? Is it ONLY an age thing, or are they upset about things about his personality, past or prospects? Just curious...

... I find if its JUST an age thing, eventually they will get over it when they see that he actually IS good for you.

BUT, if they're mentioning other things about him, listen up. They might be onto something. LOL. (Seriously... love IS blind!)

Again, if its ONLY age they object to... ignore it and enjoy. If its other things, you need to HEAR them and get to the bottom of their concerns.

Anyway, you're an adult in your mid-20s. Your life, not theirs. Maybe you should consider moving out ON YOUR OWN for a while (and not right into his arms... living alone is truly... well.. LIBERATING!)

Welcome to ageless!
~phos

I agree with Phos....

They've now seen him in person and I would suspect that they have other objections to him that have little to do with his age. BECAUSE if they liked him, they'd say, we'll he's not a bad guy we just are really concerned about the age gap.....

Can you see how this might be the case?

And for the record, I agree with Fos and Bub.

I would really sit down at the table and have a calm discussion with my parents to find out exactly what it is they do not like about this gentleman. You may find it is more than just the age difference...which of course IS a concern to parents; however, like Fos mentioned, you would usually hear "he seems like a very nice man but..."

Find out exactly what is going on with your parents and their dislike for this man before you make any big decisions....

Sorry y'all!! My folks never had any say on whom I see/date!! Guess it may be different for females? Just can't understand how one's parents can tell you whom to date/see/marry etc...??? And I get along great with all of my family actually!! I've dated women 15+ yrs my senior & junior, same age... NO BIGGIE! It's my choice, not theirs!! Guess I have a good fam! :cool:

Hello,

Thanks everyone for your responses. Yes to answer your questions it IS basically the age difference. They were absolutely fine with him when we were only friends, when I would go out to CA to visit, my mom had actually talked to him over the phone quite a few times and said he seemed like a great guy and a lot of fun! Then when I indicated we were interested in each other she freaked. They have both said that if he were younger they'd be fine with it, so it is in fact the age difference. They think it's some kind of mid-life crises thing that he's going through and that i'm totally going to regret my decision in a few years. It is ultimately up to me but they have said they're not happy about it and don't support it.

They haven't really had many problems with any other guys i've dated, but they've all been in my age group. I'm also an only child, so in their eyes i'm still viewed as their baby.

Fos, i think you're right in saying i should move out! haha. It's something i've been thinking about for some time and just trying to save up some cash.

We have had quite a few long discussions together and it really all comes down to him being 19 years older. It may pass over time, who knows?

Ski Bunny, as far as extended family involved, one of my aunts and her husband were up from florida coincidently the same time my guy was here so she did meet him, had nothing really negative to say, as far as i know, except to be so concerned that he was so much older going for me. And actually i had a party while he was here and all my friends loved him! I know that the decision is in fact mine i just dont' want to completely lose my parents. Thanks for listening!

Well, it doesn't sound to me like you WILL lose them by choosing him... just that they need a LOT more time to see this relationship (out in the open) and to believe that he isn't going to hurt you. So, I'd say, just don't RUSH into anything quite yet. There isn't really a need to do so, is there?

When Litical (my YM) told his parents about us seeing each other, we had been friends already for 1.5 years. I knew his mother and liked her quite a bit. I wasn't at all surprised when she absolutely HIT THE ROOF. She did, too. Whooo. :eek: It's taken over a year for her to slowly come to accept that we are really, truly together and really, truly commited to each other.

I'm sure she thought all kinds of things... and I heard a LOT of the nasty things she said about me and how I was using him and would hurt him, etc., etc.. Well.. we've been living together a year in 12 days (OMG) and it's been wonderful and she has come to accept us as a couple.

As a mother, I can understand and relate, which is why I tried not to let her reaction upset me too much (or deter me, either!)... TIME is what both his parents AND my parents needed to accept our love for each other and to see we really ARE good together!

Give them time. Be open with them, honest with each other... endure the hardship and in time, they should come around. Just don't rush and don't give UP either!!!

Good luck... ;)
~phosphorescent

Thank you so much Fos! That was really good advice. I agree that i do need to give it time. Hopefully they will come around even though they say they won't. I think it's important for them to see us together more. If you don't mind my asking, what is the age difference between you and your YM? Like i've said before it is really the age thing, anything they've had to say negative was speculation about his age, for example just that i'll be unhappy in a few years and having to take care of him. One good thing is that his parents really liked me and are in favor of it and support it 100%!! Thanks again for your kind words!

We always have to follow our hearts; after all this is your life now. Follow your heart, your conscience, your intuition. One of my best friends married this guy (Amazing guy by the way.) who is 28 years older than she. They met when she was in her 20's and he in his 50's. They are still together to this day...now she's 40 and he's 68 and they're so cute together, they’re still crushing on each other; she sits on his lap, he tells her she's beautiful etc. You just need to find your center...find what's right in your heart and go forward with that.

Litical is 13.5 years younger than I am. I'm 33, he's going to 20 in 12 days. :D We've been living together since his birthday last year.

If you go check out the thread in Long Term Relationships on who the long termers are... a newbie posted today about her YW/OM marriage of 20 years. It's a truly wonderful post!!! I think it will give you MUCH hope.

Good luck and have patience. Humans are reactionary beings and in time, we mellow. I was just telling my sister that about my Dad. :D

~phos

Thanks Fos! I did read that story, very encouraging! It's good to see there are others going through or that went through a similar problem! Thanks for everything! :D

Oh and skatergirl, thanks for your post too! I enjoy hearing success stories and the one you told me about seems like a really great relationship! Thanks again! :)

Miss Pink,
I know exactly what you are going through! I recently told my parents about my OG (we have a 21 year age gap) and they freaked!!! My mom is still not talking to me and I told them about a month ago. However, my dad and I seem closer than ever. He is the only one in my immediate family that will even talk to me. (My mom and 2 sisters refuse to talk to me.) All I can say is...give them time. Thats the only thing I have to keep going. I really miss my mom at times, but I feel, after awhile, she will forgive and forget. It is really hard to have to choose between family and who we are in love with, but we are at an age where our parents should have no say who we date...just be strong!!


Just know there is someone out there who is going thru exactly what you are...

Thanks so much for that post! I was happy to see someone else going through an exact situation. I am going to try to give them some time, hopefully they will come around. They really don't seem to be at this point and time, but we'll see! It's amazing how much I really love this guy! I hope everything goes well for you too! Hang in there!! Feel free to private message me if you want, i can give you my e-mail address. Thanks again! :)

Like SkiBunny I'm so happy to have my parents when I hear stuff like this....

It's such a shame some people can't see thru such superficial things like this.... I say go for it... Just tell your parents that you love them and you love him and this is YOUR decision to make they don't have to like it but would like for them to accept or just try to for you until they get to know him with you as a couple....Tell them if this is a mistake then YOU need to find out for yourself!!!

one set of my grandparents were about the same age. My grandmother's father did not like my grandfather though and never spoke to her again the rest of his life. She and my grandfather were married for 40 years before she passed away.

Well ever since I told my parents they have NEVER been in favor of it.
...
They think it’s very wrong for a man his age to be going after me.
...
My parents can not stand him and have informed me that they are extremely opposed and if I decide to move out there to be with him and marry him my father will not walk me down the aisle and neither of them will attend the wedding. They say if he was closer to my age, they would be fine with things...

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous! You are an ADULT, almost in your MID-20s! It would be different if you were a teenager or something. Why is it wrong for a 43-year old to "go after" someone like you? I just can't believe people can be that narrow-minded (but SADLY I can!!).

My parents have known ever since I was in my 20s that I wanted someone younger. I think in the beginning they were opposed to my insistance on it, and thought that I should be more flexible. But when they realized and accepted that my desire was what it was, they were open to it. At 33, when I started writing to foriegn penpals in the Philippines who were 10 - 15 years younger than me, they didn't even mention age and wanted to read some of the letters. When they did they absolutely fell in love with these young women. They totally supported me, gave me rides to the airport when I took trips over there, helped me pack and unpack, and even helped me out with money when I was short. I can't begin to express how happy I am to have the parents I have, and I think it's a real shame when people have parents who just can't accept what their kids want. Good luck to you, and I hope your parents have a change of heart when they see that your love for him is true.

Mer, Thanks for you advice. I think one of the hardest things is that he lives so far away. I'm in Rhode Island and he's in California. My parents are all about family, it's tough having Italian guilt thrown at you lol!! :D I'm trying just to give it time. I know and they know that it is ultimately my decision. My OM is very supportive and it helps that his parents are completely in favor of it.

Summerbob, Thanks again for what you said. I mean of course i love my parents, but there are times when they are being ridiculous. The tough thing, like i stated above, is that he lives sooooo far away and my parents only met him the 1 time. Hopefully with time they'll see that i'm not giving up on him!

Your parents would have loved Thanksgiving dinner at my parents house a few years ago. My wife (from the Philippines) had two of our best friends over, both Phil-Am couples who met similar to how we met. One was 26 and her husband was 52, and the other was 28 and her husband was also 52 (they married when she was 24). We had a great time and my parents didn't even comment on the age differences!

I guess different people react very differently to these things. It's just refreshing to know that some people are accepting of it.

SummerBob,

That Thanksgiving story is hilarious, i'm sure they would've loved it! lol. The funny thing is my parents have a little bit of an age gap, only 10 years, but still significant! And my uncle (dad's brother) is 17 years older than his wife! My mom of course had something to say about it lol. I just hope with time, it'll all settle itself.

The funny thing is my parents have a little bit of an age gap, only 10 years, but still significant! And my uncle (dad's brother) is 17 years older than his wife! My mom of course had something to say about it lol.

Funny you should say that. When I was 32 I had a penpal who was 21 and her parents had a fit about our age difference. The thing was, her parents were 8 years apart themselves. I guess 8 years was okay but 11 wasn't. How ridiculous is that? Alot of people do the very thing they disapprove of.

I know, it's so true. Like 10 years is okay but 19 WHOA!! Not that! lol. I guess when my parents were dating my mom's mother wasn't in favor of it at first but then she ended up really liking my father so hopefully that'll happen with me! They seem and have told me that they are 100% against it. Oh well, if we end up getting married I'll just invite everyone from the website! LOL!! :)