The future seems so unclear

Well, as you may remember from my thread before about the probs i was having with my long term partner of 6 years, i left last week and despite living in another country - i have been lucky to have a great freind of the last few years to take me in. I am currently living with a gang of girls and its nice.

But i feel so wierd, i feel like i exhausted every alleyway to try and save u
s- but there doesnt appear to be a way out anymore.

I have spent 6 years of my young life (im 25) with this person and i feel like i have to fight so hard to get the affection and love i need. I guess hes just the wrong person for me.

I left him and packed up- he is still living with his friend (we all lived together). I just couldnt live with his hash smoking (not overly bad but bad enough), his friends, living under a microscope. He seemed to always put them before me and that hurt.

It seems as he approaches 30 - i think he is clinging on to his last it of sinngledom or friends that havent settled. I suppose he isnt ready just yet. He talks about the future and how he'll ask me to marry him in the next 2 years but it just seems kinda like words at this stage. I gave up alot to move here and its ended this way.

He says he wants me back, yet in the same breadth that he was going out for the next 2 weekends with his friends as they had planned to do so and he will be taking Ecstasy - im like ??? is that how u show me you love me?

God, i feel like a control freak. Is this just about him being ****** up? Or could it be that he just isnt ready to be with me in the most committed way, its hard to tell??

But for now, i have to get on with things :confused:

No... its NOT you. You're in different places in your life. You don't want to be the party girl and accepting of dangerous and idiotic behaviors, because you want a future... maybe children.. and therefore you need your man to be remotely responsible for himself!!! Sheesh.

Don't even second guess this one, babykitten. Let him go in your HEART, as well.

Sometimes, its just not meant to be and you shouldn't SETTLE.

Settling for someone who prioritizes an ecstacy drug trip to reconciling your relationship... well, geez, girl. That's a pretty low blow on his part. Let him go!!! Where it counts, in your HEART. You deserve better!!!

~phos

i know this in my heart too. I just cant believe what an idiot he must be not to realise he is going to regret this. think hes having some crisis as he knows hes approaching the 30 mark and hes clinging (or trying) to cling on to his youth.

He tells me to slow down and relax, but i think security is getting more important to me then partying! so maybe im getting old!

You know, my husband was this sort of man. He was the party guy....He was very talented and played in a band, was a lot of fun, drank and was the LIFE of the party...Made everyone laugh.

When we met...I was young, and I was up for being a "party girl" for a while. As time went on, though, I grew up, I had children to care for...etc etc. And well, he still partied. It ended up as most weekends he wanted to go party, and I wanted to stay home and spend time with my kids and do things around the house that needed done. And..over time THAT turned into...him going out on his own every weekend without inviting me because "you never want to go ANYWHERE"....and that ending up turning into him being gone all weekend with his friends period.

As I went on trying to develop a career and raise children, etc., we grew completely apart. I can honestly say that he is now 38 years old, and he really hasn't changed a bit. When we first met and eventually married, my thinking was "hey, this guy makes me laugh, he makes me have fun" and that wasn't something I had a whole lot of in my life at that point.

But, as time went on, I realized there was a time and place for partying and having fun, and there is a time for being serious and responsible, and he couldn't seem to differentiate between the two.

Sooooo..I suppose my point in all this is....he is, as you said, approaching 30 years old, and he has not grown out of that stage yet, and he shows no signs of growing out of that stage anytime in the near future. As I pointed out, some people NEVER outgrow that stage....So unless that is the type of life you are wanting to lead, it may just be best to cut your losses and move on to find someone more compatible with the life you forsee yourself wanting to lead, now AND in the future.

It's difficult, I know, because you love him. But sometimes no matter how much we love someone, circumstances just make it such that we can't share a life together.

Im sorry, and I sure wish you luck.

i know this in my heart too. I just cant believe what an idiot he must be not to realise he is going to regret this. think hes having some crisis as he knows hes approaching the 30 mark and hes clinging (or trying) to cling on to his youth.

He tells me to slow down and relax, but i think security is getting more important to me then partying! so maybe im getting old!

No, you're not getting old! You're just getting real with yourself on what you want/need/desire in this life and from a partner. That doesn't make you old or a fogey or anything of the sort. LOL.

Lots of people don't realize what they had until its LONG gone... I've always been the kind of person who took the opposite route. I try toooooo hard for WAY too long to make a a bad thing work. By the time I'm willing to give up, baby, there aint NO regrets. LOL. If I utter the words "I am done..." you better believe, I'm DONE. But, by then I've been sticking my hand in the fire hoping it won't burn me THIS time for years on end. LOL.

You decided you'd had enough... enough to move out and get on with your life. I applaud you for that. Just don't think you can change him or feel badly that he's stuck in his pathetic rut in life... I would cut off all contact with him and save yourself the misery. So what if he's such a selfish loser bum that he never realizes how wonderful you truly are???

Isn't it more important that YOU know how wonderful you are and have opened the door for finding someone who WILL appreciate you?

I say, congratulations! Wonderful things await you if you look forward and close the door on the past. :D

~phos

thanks so much for the advice.

The problem ive had for so long is ive tried to figure out was he REALLY that person (the making excuses/selfish/ immature/non-commital) type.

I have only come to the conclusion that it must be that way. It has to be that way.

I mean if the guy really wanted me back surely his priorty wouldnt be what concert hes going to, what drug hes gonna take etc, it should be me he's thinking about - i have to face facts

Yep. You sure do. It's a hard pill to swallow, especially when you have FEELINGS for THEM.

My recent ex-husband was incredibly selfish, self-absorbed and it took me a LONG time to figure out it wasn't me and there isn't a darn thing I can do to change him...

He is who he is, you are who you are and out there... somewhere... is someone who will compliment you, make you feel good about yourself and inspire you. Someone who prioritizes you and to whom you prioritize!

Keep your eyes open and lookin' forward. When you find it... :eek: WHOAH! Does it FEEL GOOD.

~phos

Thanks so much xx i just wish it had of been him.

i wish i hadnt of spent some much time on him!

Ahhhh... but you're still SO young and just coming into your own! Life doesn't begin until 30 anyway. ;) LOL. For women, it gets better and better and better. Trust me on this one. YOU haven't yet reached the PRIME of your life and he is PAST it.

Lucky girl! You didn't waste 10-20-30 years on him, thinking the problem was YOU. You wised up while you were still very, very young. AND you didn't have kids with him!

I know it feels like such a waste, but you learned something. It wasn't for naught! Chin up. You're smarter and wiser at 25 than a lot of us at 35 and 45!

~phos

This sounds a lot like me and my ex.

He wanted to party and to enjoy life and not pay a bill if it chased him. He would rather be out in the streets than to be with his kids on the weekend. He felt that if he worked all week, he deserved to be out all weekend and I do mean the entire weekend.

When we were young and childless this worked for me too. It was good times, but when I had children I decided that it was career and family time. We grew apart. The good thing was that I could see it and I put things in the works to move on with my life and take care of my kids.

A few years after I moved on, he became this loving caring father. He actually grew up and wanted things in life. We shared custody and he did a good job of being a dad. A better job than when we were living together.

My only regret is that he waited too long to change.

You know, my husband was this sort of man. He was the party guy....He was very talented and played in a band, was a lot of fun, drank and was the LIFE of the party...Made everyone laugh.

When we met...I was young, and I was up for being a "party girl" for a while. As time went on, though, I grew up, I had children to care for...etc etc. And well, he still partied. It ended up as most weekends he wanted to go party, and I wanted to stay home and spend time with my kids and do things around the house that needed done. And..over time THAT turned into...him going out on his own every weekend without inviting me because "you never want to go ANYWHERE"....and that ending up turning into him being gone all weekend with his friends period.

As I went on trying to develop a career and raise children, etc., we grew completely apart. I can honestly say that he is now 38 years old, and he really hasn't changed a bit. When we first met and eventually married, my thinking was "hey, this guy makes me laugh, he makes me have fun" and that wasn't something I had a whole lot of in my life at that point.

But, as time went on, I realized there was a time and place for partying and having fun, and there is a time for being serious and responsible, and he couldn't seem to differentiate between the two.

Sooooo..I suppose my point in all this is....he is, as you said, approaching 30 years old, and he has not grown out of that stage yet, and he shows no signs of growing out of that stage anytime in the near future. As I pointed out, some people NEVER outgrow that stage....So unless that is the type of life you are wanting to lead, it may just be best to cut your losses and move on to find someone more compatible with the life you forsee yourself wanting to lead, now AND in the future.

It's difficult, I know, because you love him. But sometimes no matter how much we love someone, circumstances just make it such that we can't share a life together.

Im sorry, and I sure wish you luck.

This is sooooooooooooo true, Jody!

I was married to an alcoholic. When we met we were "party buddies". It was such fun. Until we got married and I got pregnant. I stopped - he didn't.

There is such a thing I believe as "recreational" drug use, drinking, etc. But, when you choose it over your "loved ones" -- there's a problem. Just my opinion from growing up in an alcoholic home, dating them and being married to one.

Go find someone who will appreciate you for the wonderful person you are. Loving an addict is like throwing your love down a black hole.........they are not capable of giving back.

KC

How many of us have been there? Loving an addict IS like flushing your love down the toilet, most of the time. Until THEY come to terms with their drug use, it's not really a real relationship, because drugs/alcohol is always in the middle of it. The real person isn't really there.

Don't regret the time you've spent with him. You've learned and you've grown. That's what life is about.

But this kind of guy is who many women are attracted to. Just try and pick more wisely next time by taking your time to really get to know someone. First, figure out what YOUR priorities are, and then you will attract someone compatible into your life.

You'll make it!
Kat

Babykiten, even though there's not a large age gap between the two of you, I am moving your thread to the Younger Woman/Older Man Relationship Support section since he is older than you. Best of luck to you in your situation.