getting "those" feelings again

First, let me say, things have been really wonderful between R and me. Things have finally come together and could not be better for us.

Before I begin, let me say, HE is not making me feel this way, it's my own "thing" and I haven't mentioned it to him yet.

But I'm getting "those" feelings again. The "I'm too old", he "needs someone younger" ...........Yesterday I looked in the mirror and thought "God, look at these wrinkles I'm getting" ..........then of course I went into a complete downward spiral picking myself apart.

My hands look old, I hate my stomache, I need to find a new wrinkle cream, my hair needs a "new" hair cut .......I'm too old for him, he's too young for me .....blah blah blah .........on and on I went (inside my own head)

Does anyone else do this? Your "other" hasn't done anything but you just completely pick yourself apart? I've never done this before while dating a man my own age or a little older ...........it's like you don't have to, because they are going through the same things but with someone younger I really NOTICE how old I am.

And this only happens sometimes ..........I haven't had this feeling is a long time, and BAM it just came out of no where ...........the questions .........AARRGGHH ....will he leave soon ............when someone his own age comes along with pretty hands, young skin, perky boobs .......small tight/firm body ........should I find someone my own age so I don't have to feel so "alone" .........BLAH !!

I hope I snap out of this soon.

you just completely pick yourself apart?


this is like breathing for me. i do this EVERY day....literally.

Amina, how can you be so dang funny while giving such great advice? lol in a cave with only cats and dogs? cmere you! give us a hug!

def. do those 'little things' that make you feel good. nails done, hair done, maybe some new jammers *wink*.

i think ALL women do this to an extent.. especially we older woman in agr's..so know that you are NOT alone. ((((hugs))))

Trace

You know what..I have done this off and on my ENTIRE life..no matter who I was with.

My tummy is practically a "no touch" zone because of all my stretch marks, and Im really really jealous of all those woman who can wear those belly-baring shirts. I'd like to have a cute little belly button with a belly-button ring!

But then, you know, my boyfriend tells me I'm pretty/sexy/beautiful/sensuous, and I know he means it. Im sure your boyfriend does that too, and you should believe him.

As I have said before...no matter how good we look, there will always be someone with better butt/boobs/hair/skin..whatever. You just can't go around comparing yourself to other people, because everyone is unique. And whatever it is that is unique to you..is what your boyfriend loves.

As far as the younger women thing (sorry Amina, plug your ears)...yes, a lot of them have better bodies than we do. But you know, we also have a lot of things that they won't develop for many years....things that are important and that you can only develop over time through life experience. These things are not visible from the outside, but I as sure as I am sitting her flattening my butt in this chair (ha ha)....they are a very important part of a sexy, attractive woman...much more so than perky breasts!

So, yeah, what Amina said...do a few small things if that will make you feel better...get your hair or your nails done, splurge on some new perfume...buy a new outfit that really shows off your good features....but keep in mind that the very most important things are not what is visible on the outside, but those things that we can't see on a superficial level....the things that your boyfriend has discovered about you and loves you the most for....


((hugs)) to you.

:::: Standing ovation ::::

Great post, Jody!

I know all these things and I just can't help it !! The strange thing is, I'm not really comparing myself to "other younger women", but comparing myself to myself ........does that make sense? Like .......when did this happen? I don't look like this ........or I didn't used to look like this ......I also .......strangely enough compare myself to him ...........is that weird?

His smooth skin, his young clothes, his young personality ...........granted, I don't blame him, or fault him for being young .........it's one of the things I love about him.

Who'd a thunk I'd be comparing myself to a MAN??? lol

*raises hand* I DO THAT! I compare myself to myself of old AND to Litical. :rolleyes: It's ludicrous, really, but it happens.

I call them my doubt waves. OOPS... the comes another doubt wave... WHOOSH... and after I've cried buckets in the bathroom with the door closed, they pass by and I'm left wondering WTF was that about?

Can I do anything about them? No... just brace myself, accept them and then LET GO.

((((HUGS))))
~phos

Nah...there's nothing wrong with you. We all do that.

Funny thing that you mention the hands, though.

I've always been complimented on my hands (never could see it, tho) anyhoo....

A couple of weeks ago, it was later at night and Jeremy & I were at the gas station. As I was waiting for him, I noticed my hands on the steering wheel, in the amber glow of the station canopy. Ack!!! They looked like old lady hands!!!

Poor Jeremy, he got back into the car and I was already crying. I was totally beside myself. I was OK the next day - just a little episode....

See? It's not just you. We all freak out once in while! (((hugs)))

We all have insecuritys about ourself... I have them, my love who are 19 have them (even there is not a thing wrong with him) both my daughters(10 and 15) have them. Iguess this is a normal thing for every human being.
I hate my stomach even I have used almost $6000 on it to fix it, my boobs are to big, I have to much spots and I have start to see some wrinkels around my eyes that are not charming anymore... but when my YM starts to list up his unsecurities the list is just as long if not longer than mine, but he tells me that he adores my chubbyness and how I look and I know that he is telling the thruth...
I will never forget the first time he saw my legs, he said awwww... they are chubby and he acted like a 5 year old who just opened his birthday present :p

I have one advice to make you feel better and its maybe kind of evil, but take a walk to the mall or someplace where there is a lot of people and compair yourself with all thouse who you think look worse than you... laugh (inside so that you don't get an black eye to deal with too) from fat, ugly, bad dressed, wrangly etc.
-women and think to yourself that you look better than that...it helps!!! :D

I think we've all had the same thoughts from time to time.

I've even went so far as to think about ending my relationship with my y/m because I was thinking is being with him really worth all of the self-doubt that I go through.

You take that and add it to a day when some hot young woman gives him the eye and well it can just take a toll on you.

I've been lucky, it seems just when I'm at my lowest self-doubt point, he can do something so nice for me that it just makes everything else seem small.

Then I go through the "girl what was you thinking episode". How can I even think of letting this guy get away.

I think this is just part of being in a relationship with a y/m. Its part of the flow of life, those peaks and valley's, so to speak. Take another look in the mirrow and love what you see. Embrace who you are. Love those qualities about yourself that he loves. If its your smile, smile like you won the lottery. If its your legs, show him some leg.

Remember its not his fault that he was born a few years after you. You cant do anything about that. I've wished many times that I could make my b-day change, but I cant. So I accept that.

I always do something nice for myself, when I love me it makes it easy for him to love me. And before you know it those silly thoughts are gone.

I wont kid you, for me its been a cycle. After months of living together they still resurface every now and then. I wonder what will it take for them to go away for ever, 30 years of marriage to the guy ???

Don't do that to yourself. Would you rather look like all the botoxed, butchered up, assembly line, anorexic mannequins in Hollywood that the media shoves down our throats and tells us that is what is "normal"???

Embrace aging. Take care of yourself and don't look back.

KC

I never used to pick myself apart until I got involved with a younger man and I find myself constantly evaluating how I look.

What always surprises me, however, is that he also does the same thing to himself. In fact, he and I talked about this just last night. When we first met, he was afraid that he would disappoint ME. :eek:

It really helps me to know that he felt that way, because what I plan to do now is remind myself that I am not the only one in this relationship who feels this way. He feels that way, too. So, I am going to try to always remember that, so that I can relax more and just be myself when I'm around him.

I agree with Kittycat...

Thank goodness, I can honestly say I don't go through these "pity me, I'm old" parties. To tell you the truth, I like being older and since I don't go out with guys younger than 30, it doesn't bother me as much.

I have a male friend who I go out with all the time, he's 23 going on 63...I'm always telling him to calm down, he can be anal most times. But he asked me once if at any time in my life would I want to be 23 again.

I tell him only if I can take with me all the knowledge and self worth I have now and since that's not going to happen, I don't ever want to be in my early twenties again. That was a period of self doubt, emotional, spiritual, mental growing pains. I like the person that emerged after that phase and I'm glad for the growth, my self worth took a banging because I let someone else bang it up, but not anymore.

I will not allow a anyone, younger or older, send me in that spiral again and I have not. Its all about self discipline...stop the recording that says that being older is a bad thing...it is not. Stop comparing yourself to apples and oranges when you're a person with much more worth than fruit. Make a choice to look for the good in yourself, because you know what, the bad is easy to find...we all have physical flaws and if we can't afford to change them, then we have to find a way to live with it and let it roll off our backs.

We are not perfect beings...inspite of the flaws, whether in body or in spirit, you have men in your lives, whether older or younger who love YOU. Concentrate on that and not on what's going on on your body.

Here's your challenge: Concentrate on gratitude...for a healthy body, for the opportunity to have a love in your life that accepts you as you are, for the love that comes with sharing ourselves with another, for your home, your families, for the food you eat, for life itself. Life is a mystery to all of us, and we should be grateful for that. Gratitude for free agency that allows us to choose and be chosen by the men in our lives. And you can help your partners as well by telling them how grateful you are for their help around the house, with the kids, in making you feel loved, in their strength, their humility, etc.

And while you're being grateful, you will cultivate a spirit of joy, for yourself, your family and your love. Gratitude forces you to concentrate on forces outside of yourself and when you come back to yourself, hopefully, you will stop the recording, and see a woman of immense value, a pearl of great price, all on her own and not through the mirror.

Paris

add me to the "do it all the time" list...

change what ya can, embrace the rest of ya

*H's*

I will not allow anyone, younger or older, send me in that spiral again and I have not. Its all about self discipline...stop the recording that says that being older is a bad thing.

Great post Paris! I agree 100%...these negative thought patterns/ states of mind are very dangerous for us all...... Its more important than many of us realise to take charge of our thinking....to discipline ourselves into recognising positives, and see through all the false conditioning inside our heads instead of indulging in destructive thought patterns. Unfortuneatly, a lot of this mental `muck' comes from the garbage we digest subconsciously from TV and the mass media over the course of many years of our lives........so it takes awareness & conscious effort to deal with all this false negative programming.

To me, this inclination for women to devalue ourselves and panic as we age is a big problem and all women face it. It makes me so mad! However I think there are some things we can all do to minimise these feelings of unhappiness and the damage to our psyche's.

-Limit exposure to advertising & movies which suggests that your value is based on looking like something you're not. I know it may sound extreme to some, but advertising is incredibly powerful...these images are used specificially to arouse deep insecurity, so that you will be more receptive to buying products you don't need.
-If you're in a job where you are rewarded or penalised based on your appearance make moves to find work in an area where talent, skill and personality are valued.
-Same goes for your romantic partnership, friends etc....life is too short to spend time trying to bond and find love with people with values they have mindlessly adopted from lingerie adverts.

-discipline your mind! Its natural to feel bad and unhappy because of all this gunk in our minds. But only we, as individuals, have the power to turn around our thinking patterns.

Sorry about the speech...I always get mad when I hear women feeling bad about aging:(

Thank you, Irparis for that beautiful post! :D

I have more body hair than my boyfriend does :o

It bothers me, I've started waxing my upper lip, I've considered having my arm hairs lasered off, but then when I saw him last time he told me that he finds it sexy that I have soft blonde hairs on my arms and I've even managed to emotionally survive him examining and kissing all my stretchmarks and my c-section scar and telling me he loves my body and thinks I'm very sexy.

I've always been self conscious of my ears, for whatever reason, and he tells me he thinks I have sexy ears and loves to nibble my ears.

I take care of my feet but still, they're feet, you know? But he loves to rub my feet and touch and kiss and lick and suck every inch of my 3-child-bearing body and sincerely is attracted to me in a way that no other man has ever shown. He's a gentle and passionate lover and much more.

He appreciates and SHOWS me that he appreciates that I'm older and have learned a few things in life that he hasn't yet, and he shows respect for the fact that we don't always share the same opinion or point of view due to being a man and woman and also of different ages.

He told me that I encompass everything that is sexy about a woman: that I'm beautiful, loving, wise about some things yet naive about others, that I'm gentle yet can be fierce and demanding, that I'm giving and understanding, patient yet can be determined and take charge and manage a situation if the need arises.

I don't always see these things in myself but it's wonderful to have a partner who thinks so much of me and actually shows me and tells me in every way he can.

We have our spats, but it never lasts and we always forgive each other and love each other, no matter what.

If you are feeling doubtful about your appearance or your youthfulness, just take a few moments to remember all the wonderful ways that your guy has contributed in a positive way to making you feel the best you can about yourself. Don't let all his effort and love go to waste by beating yourself down :)

You're a wonderful woman with a wonderful young man who thinks the world of you, and that's something to be happy for :)

Great post, Charlotte, and I concur, I concur....

I especially loved this part:
"He told me that I encompass everything that is sexy about a woman: that I'm beautiful, loving, wise about some things yet naive about others, that I'm gentle yet can be fierce and demanding, that I'm giving and understanding, patient yet can be determined and take charge and manage a situation if the need arises."

I have heard similar definitions personally and as general observations from ym on this board about older women,and other places. I think your ym not only defined you in your magnificance, but spoke for many young men who love older women in general with regard to the qualities that are "hot" about us (rather than our abs, or perky-whatevers).

Thesesdays...you're totally normal in your scrutinizing...but DO just try to dispel your doubts when they arise by remembering WHY your ym loves you (not for your hands, or stomach, or bad hair days).

Hugs,
Karen :)

I never used to pick myself apart until I got involved with a younger man and I find myself constantly evaluating how I look.

What always surprises me, however, is that he also does the same thing to himself. In fact, he and I talked about this just last night. When we first met, he was afraid that he would disappoint ME. :eek:



Yep, i thought I might not be 'good enough' for my g/f either. I think that's a kind of doubt just about everybody goes through at one time or another.

You know, I often think that I would like to look older myself. I wouldn't change anything about how my g/f looks, I like how she is. But, if it would make her more comfortable, then I would like to age about 10-15 years so I look the same age as her. In actual fact, I already have a receding hairline and some grey hairs!!!!!

Thesedays...

*~*~*~Hugs~*~*~*~*

Let your boyfriend decide how he feels about you, don't decide for him...

You don't have to let your wrinkes be the deciding factor in whether or not you date a certain guy, or a certain type of fella. It's always important to be the best person that you can be. Sometimes as women we let our issues go: skincare, wardrobe, exercise routine, etc. (politics about women and looks aside, that's another whole thread entirely!) And then there is keeping up on reading, current events, studying any of our little topics of interest, and then keeping home and hearth burning brightly and our jobs. That is a ton of things to keep on track! CAN YOU SEE WHY WE'RE ALL SO HARD ON OURSELVES? We have so much to keep going! But I think Amina is right, let your bf decide if he wants to be your bf, in the final end you won't hold onto a man who does not love you anyway. And don't be quite so hard and cold with yourself!
Hugs
Ali

Don't do that to yourself. Would you rather look like all the botoxed, butchered up, assembly line, anorexic mannequins in Hollywood that the media shoves down our throats and tells us that is what is "normal"???

Embrace aging. Take care of yourself and don't look back.

KC
Tons of these ladies over exercise, undereat by far, placing their very lives in danger, have enemas on a daily basis, and I could go on to count the tricks they use to stay dangerously thin, which is the Hollywood norm right now. I would love to be a movie star but god who wants to have to turn into a plastic surgery freak to try to keep the look? Not for me thanks. And these ladies are women who are trying to have a career in a field that forces them to take drastic steps. Poor little rich girls!
Ali

After four years, and with turning 50 in a few days, it still bothers me sometimes. I also was going to lose 20 lbs by my birthday, and instead gained 10.

I do however appreciate my age, and I wouldn't go back there for anything, unless I could guarantee to bring all the experience I'd earned with me.

I'm not sure the doubt waves ever go away, but then they're not all about age either, you'd think after four years I'd quit waiting for him to turn into the type of man I'm used to. Hasn't happened yet, I don't think it's going to.

The most important thing, I think, is to not obsess over it to HIM. That seems to turn men off faster than anything, to have their woman constantly whining about how they're somehow not good enough.

The AARP invitation that came in the mail yesterday didn't help though.

For me, the self criticising and examination coincides with PMS and passes but at the time I pull myself apart, then in a few days become content again.

Satins its about the PMS...every month Thesedays I have a day. its just one day but i am the worst person, ugliest, fattest, most annoying, critical ***** that ever lived...no wonder i have NO friends...yep lonely and bereft in a sea of self indulgence..

and the scrutiny is relentless, and bizarre...

a couple of days this last month or two those feelings have crept in unrelated to PMS, I know the age thing is playing with me...

then i remember like Charlotte said, i have a great guy who loves me despite how i see myself...great job, great kids, great house ...something to be happy about...

but yeah I know exactly where you're coming from...

Great posts everyone!

Kudos to Paris.... what an accomplishment to never have self doubts! :)

I have my moments here and there and think it may coincide with PMS as well. Not always, but sometimes.

LOL@ Amina the Troll living in a cave....what a great visual! I do that whole "I'm fat, stupid, ugly" thing and the "I'm getting old because I see sunspots, I found a gray hair, my eyelids are drooping...." etc. BUT, then I get over it and know that I am beautiful, smart, funny and sexy! I think it's just human nature that most of us have these doubts here and there. The key is to get past it quickly! If you dwell on it and the thoughts won't go away, it could turn into depression.

So thesedays.... you are among friends here. :) I am sending you good vibes for getting past your "moment" quickly!

(((hugs)))

Thanks everyone, it's good to know I'm not alone !!

I don't want to come across conceited when I say this ........but my whole life, I've always felt like the young one .....the pretty one .......the thin one .........and now I'm not !! ha ha

I've always been the "youngest" at work in my field .......no longer. I have days where I still feel "pretty" but not like before .........and as for the thin one ...HA HA HA HA HA

I thought I was over this the other say and then last night I was looking in the mirror thinking "Dang girl, better call Tiff (hairdresser) your roots are starting to show" .........nothing major ..........but then it turned into something major.

R and I were laying in bed last night watching TV and he turned over to look at me and I could have sworn he was looking at my wrinkles ..........I mean, I know he wasn't, but I felt like he was ..............I'm starting to obsess.

This is something completely new for me. I've never been one to be "down" on myself, and it just keeps coming.

Again, it's nothing R does, it's in my own head.

Also - from reading some posts here, I've been thinking "is this really going to work" ..........there are SO MANY YM and WANT a relationship with an OW, things go well for months / years / etc. Plans are made, the YM spends a great deal of time convincing the OW how he knows what he wants, etc .............only to change his mind down the road.

Blah

Jay and I were walking along in the mall not long ago and this man with 2 little children just stared us DOWN.... I stared right back until he looked away... ha! Then I said to Jay, I just HATE it when people do that... He said, Do what? (he hadn't even noticed!) -- and I said, When people stare like that -- it's like they wonder, What's somebody like HIM - doing with HER?? And Jay's comment was, Maybe they're wondering what somebody like YOU - is doing with ME? Things that make you go, "hmm..."

I know all these things and I just can't help it !! The strange thing is, I'm not really comparing myself to "other younger women", but comparing myself to myself ........does that make sense? Like .......when did this happen? I don't look like this ........or I didn't used to look like this ......I also .......strangely enough compare myself to him ...........is that weird?

His smooth skin, his young clothes, his young personality ...........granted, I don't blame him, or fault him for being young .........it's one of the things I love about him.

Who'd a thunk I'd be comparing myself to a MAN??? lol

I have done these exact things thesedays. In fact, I could've wrote this post.

It wasn't until I met him that I even noticed I was older. It just hit me all at once that 'Hey, I have some sag in my face, when the heck did that happen?' or 'My arms jiggle when I raise them up, what's up with that!' I'll touch my cheek, feeling the lessening degree of firmness there, and then, without it seeming on purpose, touch his and notice how much smoother and firmer his is.

I don't wear old lady clothes, so that doesn't bother me, but certain jeans make me look flabby. I won't wear a bikini, no way. Even a one-piece would still show my upper legs. :(

Everyone has had such great things to say here. I like this thread, it helps me, and hopefully others too, that we are all so beautifully human.

Thesedays i couldn't agree more...until i met dan I never self examined.....COZ....I was perfect, yup, thats me the one with the brilliant mind, blue eyes, gorgeous thick wavy hair, wonderful woman body, super successful, god i was good....

and now i agonize over whether he really does know what he wants, like doesn't he ever get embarrassed to be seen with me, you know my eyelids have creases they never had, surely he can see that, it must turn him off....blah blah...that bloody inner voice drives me to despair, oh and the gym, and weight watchers cookbooks, and no second helping of chocolate brownies hot from the oven.

I can't believe myself sometimes, but I keep the other voice going too, and most times it drowns it out. I think the "other" voice, the voice of reason and rationale gets pushed to the background by media messages and subtle social comment, like the one mentioned by Jay's love in the mall. Also by our erratic hormonal fluctuations, I had someone tell me the other day that menopause was something to look forward to, and I'm like WTF...it just pushed a lot of buttons. I also never compare myself to younger women, because i'm not one, its a self comparison that does my head in on those days

I dont know sometimes it gets too confusing and its enough to live a busy, satisfying life full of love. And sometimes its wishing I knew where Amina's cave was so i could go find the other trolls and hang out.