Need some advice from the ladies here.

Hello,

This is my first post here. I'm a single 30 year old man. I've developed a really beautiful friendship with an older woman over the last year. She's 38, divorced and has a 7 year old daughter.

We've literally become best friends, we talk almost everyday and we go out or she comes visit me almost evey weekend. I feel very fortunate to have met her and love her very much.

The thing is, I am very attracted to her and am considering trying to take the relationship to another level. However, I am very nervous that if I tell her how I feel I may ruin the wonderful friendship that we have. I don't want her to feel that I am taking advantage of the trust that she has given me.

I'm just not sure what to do and would appreciate any advice you could provide.


Thanks in advance.

Sounds like its time to just let her know. If she didn't care for you, she wouldn't be talking to you daily and spending every weekend with you.

Is there a reason you suspect that this is "just" friendship?

I'm an "instinct" kind of person... and my instincts are usually dead on accurate. Listen to yours. If you think telling her you love her will make her run, then maybe you should hold off and feel it out more. BUT, if you think she honestly cares for you, too... then heck, take her to a nice restaurant in a ROMANTIC setting, make sure she doesn't look grossly uncomfortable and if she's just going with the flow, then tell her how you feel!

My guess is you'll make her day... ;)

Good luck!
~phosphorescent

Hi, welcome to Ageless.

I'm just curious, is she dating other men at all? Perhaps she's just not showing an interest outright because she's not ready to date yet?

The main thing that has been holding me back is that she is still in love with her ex-husband. They've been divorced for about 2 years now but she still talks about him a lot and how great her life used to be with him. He lives in the states (we live in Puerto Rico) and he has apparently moved on. But she is still affected by the divorce so she's in a pretty vulnerable state emotionally and I don't want to cause her any additional pain.

I know that she has dated but not recently and she has other male friends that she keeps in touch with but she has told me that I'm the only one that she has let get close to her and her daughter. I know she cares a great deal for me but I don't know if she sees me as a possible partner or "just a friend".

We seems to have found each other at just the right time, we both needed the company and we have a great time together. Maybe I should just give it some time and see what happens, but I don't want to wait too long and end up losing her.

I appreciate the responses.

The main thing that has been holding me back is that she is still in love with her ex-husband. They've been divorced for about 2 years now but she still talks about him a lot and how great her life used to be with him.

Sounds like she is not ready for someone new then, and if she's still pining for her ex after being divorced from him for 2 entire years, it sounds like she needs heavy duty outside help to get past that. That is no way to live...

Furthermore, if she is telling YOU how great he was, then he is in the way of her caring for you. She is emotionally unavailable, and has been so for at least 2 years. It's taken her this long just to let one person close enough...to tell him, frequently, how great her ex was. Eesh.

Sorry to say, I think the prognosis is not good at the moment. (And, if you have a pattern of being attracted to unavailable women, you could perhaps use some work as well...)

Good luck and welcome to ageless.

She isn't ready for someone new and I think you see that in your heart of hearts but can't bear to accept it. And if she's in a palship mode with you that makes things all the more difficult. My take is this: hold onto your emotions!!! Make that time for someone else in your life right now, and that might mean actively seeking another girlfriend but do it! I think you should do No Contact with her until you get over your crush on her. Sorry fella, I think this one is a loser for you and you deserve better!
Ali

Someone else said it but 2 years is a pretty long time to be holding on to something that isn't going to happen. I'm not so sure you SHOULD get more involved with her either. Besides the fact that it would be a rebound relationship, if I were you I'd never trust why she got involved with you in the first place. She really needs to start living in the present; face the facts even if it's not what she thinks she wants. Time for her to start counting her blessings, the good things she has in life, like her child and her friends, and disengage from what's over.

Thanks for all the advice. I guess I've known that there is probably little chance that we could work out but I have been keepng hope alive.

I realize that she may need professional help because she is just hurting herself by holding on to the past so much. I have actually told her that she needs to get over him because she will never let anyone else love her until she lets go.

I really care for her and I will try to help her get help. I realize that it would probably do more bad than good to try to proceed in a relationship where I would not be loved as much as I loved the other person.

Thanks again for all the advice, this is a really great place.

Well, just another thought... sometimes we hold on to something from the past because we have nothing in the present.

It never hurts to just say "Do you ever think of us as anything but buds?" It is just a "feeler" question and does not put all your emotions on the line. Good luck!

PS OH! and SMILE when you ask the question... don't be all serious and stuff! ;)

I would suggest sticking it out as friends until she is able to come to terms with her feelings for her ex. Having had a very short but extremely turbulent relationship with a man who was still in love with his ex wife I can tell you it's not pleasant.

I actually agree more with yellowrose here... tread carefully and don't put yourself out TOO Far or TOO deeply. But, there is not reason you can't ask her if she could see you as anything more than just friends...

But, guard yourself and don't be too serious, so you can at least laugh it off if she says "no."

Good luck.
~phos

I've thought about doing the "could you ever see me as more than a friend" question for a while now but the right moment has not come up. I really don't want to push things right now.

I will definitely be maintaining the friendship which is really special to me. I will be happy as long as she finds peace and is happy, even if it is not with me, she deserves to be happy. I will continue to feel things out and see how it ends up, if we do take that step up in the relationship then great, and if not, then I at least know that I will have a great friend for the rest of my life.

By the way, you guys are awesome, thanks again for all the help, all the different points of view have really helped out.

I would go ahead and at least ask her if she could see you guys more than just a friend. Sounds like you guys do have a good friendship and I doubt if just asking the question would ruin it.

She is allowing you to become close to her daughter, and as a single parent, to me that means a lot. She trust you and knows that you respect her child. Those are great qualities. Those are also qualities that some look for in a relationship. She could also be wondering if there could be something else between the two of you. You never know.

Best of luck to ya.

Maybe you could tell her in your own way that you are attracted 2 her! I bet she will love that. You could also buy her some simple flowers to brighten her day. Just do little things like that 2 make her feel good and 2 let her know that you are interested. I bet it will evolve from there! Oh and 8 years isn't too major! Good luck! :)

It's true that maybe, letting her know clearly that you might want more than friendship could offer her a possibility she can't currently see. I just didn't think it would be right not to recognize the likelihood of letdown - but even if she did say yes, her past is still in her way big time, so it may be a rocky road indeed.

You know vdelapr, my best advice would be to keep her friendship, but the part about trying to get her help...I wouldn't. In the first place, it's her responsibility. I mean...you can always suggest she get help, just don't make it your job. And let's take the focus off what she needs - have you asked yourself what you need? Looking into that will actually be the best thing for both of you, just friends or not.

(Also, some people will do the opposite of what we think they will when we "help" them - often instead of appreciating the leg up, they ditch us because we have seen them at their worst.)

I read somewhere that 2 years is a normal mourning time for divorces so she may be in the borderline of the moment when she will raise her head and look at the available scenery.
Another question... you said you are in Puerto Rico, is she Catholic by any chance? Catholics are supposed to believe that marriages are valid before the eyes of God until death even if you are divorced before the eyes of men?
Why dont you ask her how she sees herself in 2 more years and see what she has to say? This may give you a clue.

Its been two years...I would give her more time, continue to be her friend and see where that goes. Skatergirl also had a good suggestion...buying her flowers every so often will shake her back to the present and what she has in front of her.

Offer a little trip with her and her daughter to get her out of the city. El Yunque is as beautiful in the winter as it is in the summer. My family is from Fajardo, but I have family in Carolina and I know that for the most part, my family doesn't really take advantage of the island's cultural attractions or its amazing scenary west of San Juan. Most of the time they live for the beaches and the casinos.

If you have a car, maybe you can suggest a day of exploring all the amazing things that PR has to offer. Find a book on day trips and explore...get her so involve in learning about her cultural roots, that eventually she will find that she didn't even have the time to mourn her husband or her marriage. Before you know, she might find herself healed to move on enough to see what was in front of her all the time was certainly a lot more spectacular than her raggedy old husband.

Where are you from by the way?

Paris

I appreciate all the advice from everyone. I've decided to maintain the friendship for now and not throw myself into the deep end just yet. I had a very long conversation with her last night and I just don't think she is still ready to move on, she basically told me she still loves her ex-husband way too much. I don't want to put myself into a situation where all I hear about is her ex and how great things were, I don't want her to always be comparing me with him and in the end I would probably come up losing. She needs more time.

~ vdelapr ~

I somewhat agree with some of the other posts here. What you did not say, is who initiated the divorce -- you friend or her husband? If it was her ex-husband that initiated the divorce, it is probably even more difficult for her to accept and to get over. Also, I believe 2 years is the norm in getting over a relationship. Plus you have to realize they had a daughter together, which will always tie them together whether the ex sees his daughter or not.

It also sounds like there might be a lack of communication here. I realize you might feel uncomfortable approaching your friend about it, but for your own peace of mind, I think you need to get it out in the open as to just where your friend sees your relationship going. If she feels you're only a "friend" then by all means cherish that, but also move on to finding yourself someone for a more meaningful relationship.

This might be difficult for you to accept because you have such strong feelings for this woman, but unless she is willing to consider you more than a friend to her, you're only hurting yourself in the long run.

I also agree with irparis about little side trips, including her daughter. These should be fun things to do. You also did not say how old her daughter is nor how long she had been married to her ex.

Whatever happens, I do wish you the best of luck.

(PS: when I divorced my first husband, those first 2 years were the hardest and I nearly went back to him a couple different times, but also knew it would be disastrous.)