Major problem - need advice

Hi guys

I've posted about my pseudo-relationship before, but just to recap I'm friends with a younger girl (over six years younger) who I know is interested in me as more than a friend, but she's uncomfortable with the age gap and wants to just be friends. That's cool - she's a great person and a lot of fun to be with.

Anyway, she told me that she was inviting a guy that she met online to go see a movie. She feels like she knows this guy really well (she's corresponded with him for at least a year) but I told her that she should be careful about this sort of thing. For one thing, he lives like a 3rd of the way across the country and she's never met him in person before. And he would be staying in her house! She still lives with her parents, but still! I told her that any guy who gets that sort of message is probably going to have one thing on his mind, and it ain't a movie!

So, this really bugged me but when we ended up having a conversation about him, it turned into an argument. I (stupidly) ended up bringing my romantic feelings into the conversation. She knew how I felt about her, but she got very upset because she thought that I was trying to make this guy look bad and make myself look better in turn. I was not trying to manipulate her like that - I would never do such a thing, but I don't think she believed me. This all occured via Instant Messenger, and I think that she read things into my messages that were not supposed to be there. It was a HUGE, MONUMENTAL mistake to have had this conversation online, as opposed to over the phone or in person. This whole snafu could have been avoided if we had actually spoken, rather than use IM.

Anyway, she's very upset with me, but she didn't say anything about us not seeing each other any more. She just ended up signing off - the online equivalent of hanging up the phone. This occured yesterday and I didn't talk to her afterward. Today, I called and left a message on her cell apologizing profusely and requesting that she call me.

My biggest concern is that she now feels that I'm somehow obsessed with her and I can't let us be friends. That is so not true, but she tweaked my jealousy with this crazy invitation and it caused me to bring up my feelings. I basically said that how can it be OK to invite this guy to your house (she told me once that he was hot, btw) to spend multiple nights, but it's not OK for us to go out? The connection being that one thing could be just as "weird" as the other, so to speak. It was stupid and was said in a moment of weakness/vulnerability, but I'm very afraid that I may have scared her off.

I'm new to this sort of problem - she hasn't called me back yet, although it's only been an afternoon since I called her :) I think there has been a giant misunderstanding, but I don't want to keep calling her and pestering her. I might try a second time, though. How long should I wait for her to call or otherwise contact me?

We had a fantastic friendship before this happened - she said that she could talk to me about anything and I feel the same about her - and I don't want it to end because of some stupid IM conversation filled with words spoken in anger.

Please help
Dave

Dave
Have you considered sending her an email asking for a face to face meeting to sort things out? You could ask her to respond with meeting time and place within a certain period of time - for example:

I'd like to have the chance to meet you to discuss the argument we had the other day. If you're agreeable, please let me know within a week where and when you want to meet and I'll be there. if I don't hear from you by the end of the week I'll know you aren't interested right now. Even if you don't want to talk now, if you ever need me I'm always here for you.

If she doesn't get back to you, well then you have your answer and you should leave her alone. You've left the door open for her to come in again if she wants. In the meantime try to stop stewing if you can. It's only going to continue to make you feel awful. Try to find something to keep your mind off of it.

Good luck :(
Deb

Hi ShyDave,

You need to consider the possibility that although this may not have been your intention, you have basically implied that she is kind of incapable of making good judgements... you are telling her that she's making a huge mistake in meeting this guy, and that you somehow know best for her. Also hearing, from a guy, that another guy could only possibly be interested in one thing is kind of insulting... are you saying she has no other good qualities? Sure, it may give this guy the message that she wants something like that, but maybe that's what she DOES want -- she did, after all, say this guy was "hot".

In other words, I think you should trust your friend a little more and try not to let your jealousy translate into being kind of patronizing to her.

I know you don't intend to do this, but it seems like you are trying to control her a little.

Hi - thanks for the replies!

deb - I would send her an email, except that I don't her address! It may seem strange, but since we always could get a hold of each other via IM, we never exchanged email addresses. I think what I'll do is just give her a week or so - by then, if I don't hear from her, I'll either send her an IM or give her a call, and say basically that if I don't hear from her "I'll know you aren't interested right now. Even if you don't want to talk now, if you ever need me I'm always here for you." I really like that sentiment - I'll probably use it! :)

pink - I think there is truth in the idea that she may not want me to pass judgement on what she does (although I think this particular idea is strange and even possibly dangerous). She told me that she appreciated my concern, but she felt that nothing bad would happen. Also, I did ask her if she had any romantic intentions with him and she said "no" but she also said that it wouldn't be such a bad thing if such a romance occurred. And you are absolutely right that I wasn't being trusting enough - I did let my own fears and insecurities get me into a lot of trouble. I know that she really likes me and perhaps a romance could occur down the road. But in the heat of the moment, I said things that I shouldn't have.
I don't think that I'm trying to control her - I've never tried to tell her what to do, until now. In fact, she often would come to me for advice, so if anything she values my opinion.

Anyway, thanks again for the replies. Here's to hoping everything will turn out OK!

Dave

I wouldn't call her - IM her - she'll get the message even if she's off line when you send it. If you really want to make an impression without saying a word - send a telegram

I SORRY

I had a thought about what to do about my angry friend (if she still is my friend). It's very clear that she doesn't want to talk to me, but I feel that if we did talk about what happened, we could work it out. I think Deb's on the right track with the idea of sending her some sort of message, rather than calling her. I know that I need to wait it out for now, but should I send her an email (thru IM) (like in a few days or a week or 2?) that lets me try and explain myself?

If so, how long should I wait? Assuming I don't hear from her in the meantime.

Dave

Is there any way you can forget about her or try 2 move on...I just don't like the feeling I get from reading this...regain your self confidence, do not call, email, im just drop it and work on yourself. :)

I think you misunderstood my advice. My suggestion was to send her a message giving her the opportunity to contact you - then BACK THE HECK OFF. If she contacts you great - you have a chance to explain. If not then it's over. Period.

First, I'll say that I believe that all of the IMing and emailing that goes on in relationships, friendships, and even at work causes a lot of problems and miscommunications. When things get tough, it's time to pick up the phone or talk to that person, in-person.

I don't really see why IMing her is better than showing her that you're willing to put out the effort to call and communicate with her 'live'.

Second, I'm wondering the same thing as Skatergirl probably is: Is this friendship the best thing for you?

Perhaps the situation did 'bring up' your feelings but more importantly, the feelings are there. Personally, I would not want to hang out as 'just friends' with someone for whom I had strong romantic feelings.

And what you're experiencing is an example of why I feel this way.

Just my penny and a half.

.

but just to recap I'm friends with a younger girl (over six years younger) who I know is interested in me as more than a friend, but she's uncomfortable with the age gap and wants to just be friends.

Dave,
Maybe I missed something, or maybe this is a follow-up of an earlier post, but I didn't recall you mention your age or the age of the girl you're interested in. It seems kind of ridiculous to me for someone to worry about a 6-year gap! My wife and I are 15 years apart & married when she was 21 (we began corresponding when she was 18), and we have friends with much wider gaps than that! If you explore this board, you'll find some people who are gapped by as much as 20 to 30+ years! So six years is small potatoes. Unless you're 22 and she's 16 or something like that!

Hi everyone - thanks for the replies.

First, an update. I backed off from her and left it up to her to contact me. We both enjoy playing one of those online video games and I had refrained from playing it for a few days after the fight. Then I decided to start playing again. She can see when I sign on and she can see my messages when I chat with our other friends. At first, she didn't really respond to anything I said, but now she has started to at least take part in conversations I have with our other friends. She's even started talking directly to me about game-related topics and joked around a bit. And she IM'd me the other day with a link to a funny video that she thought I would like. I've been very friendly with her when she participates in conversations, but I haven't initiated anything more serious than game-related conversations.

One interesting thing happened - she left our "guild," or group of friends, a day or two after I started playing again. That's a pretty significant step towards ending all communication between us, so I sent her a private message saying that if she was leaving because my presence was making her uncomfortable, then I would leave the guild and she can come back. She replied with a laugh and said she was "just experimenting." A very ambiguous answer. After this incident, she rejoined the guild and started being a bit more friendly than before.

So, she seems to be slowly coming around but she isn't as friendly as she was before this all happened. My sense is that she wants the friendship to continue but isn't yet sure how to proceed, or perhaps she doesn't even know what she wants. So, I'm just going to be passive - no pressure on her. She knows that she can come to me at any time if wants to talk.

And to answer Summerbob's question, yes this post is a follow-up to an earlier post. She's 18 and I'm 26 - an 8 year gap. My other post is called "just being friends" and I posted it on 5/30/05. You can check it out to see where I was before the sh*t hit the fan, lol.

Dave