Help! Need some advice, parent trouble

I am 32 years old. I own my own home, work full-time and have an 8-year-old daughter (in other words, I am a responsible person). My OM is 56 and was a friend of my parents up until they found out about us. When my parents found out they absolutely flipped and had more or less disowned me and will not see him. My Mom really took it hard and was unable to concentrate at work and was crying all the time. My Dad got really mad and was threatening killing my OM if he ever saw him. They even took their feelings out on my daughter and weren’t seeing her either. Stuff like, “Your mommy makes me not want to be your grandmother anymore”. I figured at that point that my relationship with my parents was over or at least beyond repair.

Finally after a week of not speaking to each other, my Mom decided that she had to come to some sort of resolution about it or she was going to freak out. She came over and we had a fairly rational conversation about the relationship. I told her my side, which is that he makes me happy, is a good person and we have a lot in common. She told me her side, which is that he is too old for me, it is weird and gross and that I have disrespected my parents. She also brought up some of his faults. After we talked, we decided to agree to disagree.

We have not spoken of the situation since then (about 2 weeks ago). My dad has since agreed to be in the same room as me and has spoken to me. I think they think that I have stopped seeing him. I have still seen him everyday since my mom and I talked, but have not publicized the information. I told my daughter that what we do at our house is none of their business if they asked her any questions. They have a habit of grilling her for information about what I have been up to. I did ask my mom not to get my daughter involved in the situation, but I know she still asks her stuff. My mom has always been very controlling and has never given my decisions much respect. It has become obvious to me that my parents’ love is conditional and they do not truly care about my happiness. As long as I do exactly what is expected of me (and in agreement with what they think) they will be there for me.

My OM and I have only been together for a few months, but we are deeply in love. He is very sweet, handsome and is a great lover. He makes me laugh, is fun to be with and we really enjoy each other’s company. I can’t understand why my parents can’t accept this. I feel like I am on another planet and do not speak the language. I just can’t see what the problem with this is. Yes, he has faults, everyone does. Yes, he is older than me, so what? I figured that since they were friends that this would not be a big deal, but it seems like that is what is making this so wrong. I don’t want to have to give up my family and I don’t want to give up my OM either. Why do I have to choose? Someone tell me what it is that I should do. How do I convince my stubborn parents that this is all ok? Any suggestions would be helpful.

Hi Shad,
So sorry you have to go through this...I am going through a similar situation w/ my bf. I just keep hoping that they will eventually accept him/us. I rarely talk about it with my mother, but I think she knows she will have to accept it if she wants a close relationship with me. Good luck and give it time!

Hi Shadi,

I am a 54yo Daddy who is looking for a younger woman. I used to be a controlling Daddy and finally found out that I needed to stop the controlling and just let things fall where they may.

I have four beautiful daughters and 7 grandchildren. I never thought that conditional love was a part of my controlling personality. I now love my daughters unconditionally and I have a better relationship with each of them now. I wrote a book from a Daddy's standpoint about being a better Daddy. It is also good for Mommies.

I used to have a problem with the younger/older scene, but I have found that if you are in love with someone it does not matter what age you are. My sister is married to a man that is 13 years older than her. I used to have a problem, but then when I saw how in love they were, I began to realize that it did not matter.

Our society puts such a stigma on certain things and the older/younger relationships and marriages is one of those.

Until your mother and father learn to let go and let you live your life the way that you want to live it, you will have problems. They have to let go. Keep trying to communicate with them. The more you talk, the better things will become.

They have yet to let go. If the situation begins to get sticky again, then back away and let things cool and then when Mom comes back again, then try to talk again. It has to be a two way street.

If you want to chat more go ahead and leave a reply.

Regards,

The Only Don for whichever young lady wants me

Tell your parents that you're dating someone your age who's been in jail for drug and assault charges 4 times.

Or that you've become a lesbian.

Then see if they mind so much that you are with an older man who must be a good guy if they were friends with him...

Or tell them you have released X-rated videos of yourself on the Internet. :eek:

Good grief...you are grown and living on your own...there are times where the parents are simply going to have to learn to understand that love goes beyond the age difference. There are much worse things out there than to be in love with someone who really cares for you...just older.

If they don't understand, then it is their loss. I think the simple fact he was close to your parents as a friend shocked them because they could not picture him being with you. I went through this with Stephy's family when I first met them.

Keep the faith and don't let the family's misunderstandings get you down.

It's pretty sad when people can't even accept the decision of a grown woman in her 30s to have a relationship with someone older! I can't believe how ridiculous some people are! Would they even accept it if you were 50 and he was 70??? Some people just have a "Steppford Society" mentality!

I agree with WvDreamer. There are so many worse things than age difference that people just turn a blind eye to, and yet we freak out when someone brings home someone 20+ years older just because of his age. Teenage girls get pregnant, get involved with drugs, get arrested, drive drunk and cause fatal accidents, date guys who are gang leaders, etc (I could go on and on)..... and yet a 32-year old has a suiter in his 50s and it's the end of the world!

This is why I married someone from the Philippines!

SkiBunny, I laughed out loud at your post!!!

It would help them get PERSPECTIVE. :eek:

Actually, its kind of normal for parents to freak out when its something they cannot understand and they still think somehow that they need to protect you. I think its MORE difficult for them BECAUSE he was their friend! They have probably known him a long time and might have other reservations...

... in which case, hear their reservations and take them seriously. As for the AGE GAP... poo on that. They'll eventually get over it as the shock wears off.

TIME heals all wounds. ;) Trust me, if my folks can get over my being with someone 13.5 years younger than me (and my Mom freaked out!!!), yours will eventually get over you being with someone 23 years older than you.

Like has already been said, its not like you're not an adult, out on your own and responsible for yourself. It's your life to live, not theirs. Eventually they will come around.

~phosphorescent

Fos, once again you give great advice! haha :) I thought Ski Bunny's response was HILARIOUS! Shadi, I'm going through a similar situation. I'm 23 (24 in a few months) and my guy is 43. My parents are not accepting of it at all. My story is on here the title is "help for a new girl" if you want to read it. Just be strong! And know there's someone else going through a similar situation. :)

Thank you all for your advice. I keep thinking that over time it will get better, but my mom and I had another blow out this morning over this. She saw him driving to my house last night. She said it was all she could do to not run him off the road. They have not changed their position at all. They think that I am crazy and have a screw loose. I don't think that I am crazy. I feel like I am using sound judgement.

To make matters worse, it is my daughters birthday tomorrow and we are supposed to have a party. I can't bear to have it at my house and not invite my OM, so I have asked my mom to have it at their house. We are hopefully going to put aside our differences for my daughter's sake tomorrow.

You can all probably tell that before all this, my parents and I were very close. We live less than 2 miles apart and used to see each other 3 days a week at least. My mom watches my daughter when she is off of work, so I go over there alot. It is sooooo hard to go through this. How can I convince them that this is going to happen whether they like it or not? Or should I just give up my OM and hate them for the rest of my life?

My mother and I are, too, terribly close. I work in the family business. She watches my kids.

When she found out about Litical (my YM), we had many... and I mean MANY... blow outs over it. In fact, it was a whopping 9 months later she sent me an absolutely SCATHING email containing all her reservations, worries, concerns, doubts, fears, hopes and frustrations. NINE MONTHS.

In that interim, I still saw her everyday. I couldn't talk about Litical with out her visibly getting angry, rolling her eyes or literally YELLING at me, "STOP trying to SELL me on him!" I kid you not!!

After that email, I responded, point by point to her concerns. I conceeded that her fears and doubts were valid and she had a right to them. I also explained to her, without being angry or resentful, that this was my life and my risk to take and that not only did *I* love him, but my children did, too.

Since then, things have changed. I'm SURE my mother still has all those fears and concerns, but she has opened her mind and her heart to him. Slowly. PAINFULLY. But, it HAS happened.

I refused to give up on her. I refused to give up on him.

Just keep plugging along. Admit to your mother she has a right to her concerns and HEAR them. Don't just nod and/or argue. Listen closely and let her FEEL your respect. Then counter them gently and carefully and don't fight!!! It's not worth it and will drag this out longer.

Don't give up either of them... there is no need. TIME and patience is ALL you need.

~phos

PS. Thanks Miss Pink!! :D

Hello
I used to be in your position. I am very close with my parents. I am 32 my OM is 53. When they found out, thats all we did was fight, day in & day out. Eventually, they saw how happy i was & learned to accept it. They also wanted him dead in the beginning. It was pretty bad.

But if u love your OM, do not give up. You have a love that people search a lifetime for. You will regret it big time. Its their problem & they have to learn to accept it. You are a grown women in your 30's, its not like your 16.

Hang in there missy,
It does get better.

Shadijenn,
What you are going through I went through. I didn't have a child at the time but, my parents wouldn't talk to me when I started dating B who is now my husband and has been for 17 years. I married B when I wa 19. We started dating a year before that and I was dating him for 5 months before I had the guts to tell my parents. I was younger then you and not yet a woman, at least, in thier eyes but, live is blind and I was maddly in love with B as he was with me. Anyway, my parents went berzerk. They told me that if I stayed with him they would disown me and basically thats what they did.
I moved in with B and we eloped and got married whenI was 19 and he was 38. I got pregnant almost immediately and we had our first child when I was 19 and B turned 39. My parents had all these ideas that things wouldn't wotk out and I would stay home and be barefoot and pregnant. which is what happend and what I wanted to happen but, I did go to college and I received my Bachelors and Masters degree which my parents never thought I would do if I stayed with B. I was 24 with 3 kids and graduating college with everyone else my own age. It was hard work but, I was able to have children and go to college at the samet ime and be a good wife and mother. We now have 8 beautiful children and a wonderful life. B has been the most incredible man and had I married someone else I wouldn't have what I have today nor would I be as happy. He is absolutley my soulmate regardless of our age difference
My point is, after I had our first child my parents changed their tune. They realized how much I love B and how much he loves me and how happy we are and what a great father he is and great husband. So, although it was very tough to walk away from my parents I did so and now we are very close again. They just needed to see the light. They are very old fashioned and older men just didn't date younger women in their ime and if they did the men were called sugar daddies. Those days are gone. When B and I got married it was still uncommon but, Now it's the sheik thing to do. Billy Joel and his wife. Michael Douglas and his wife, Dennis Quaid and his wife, Kevin Costner and his wife and I could go on and on.
The only weird part of your situation is that he is your parents friend and they know as much about him as you do and i can see why it's a little wierd for them. Don't worry, when they see how much you love each other they will get over it. Just give them some time. The wound is still fresh and there is no reason to pour salt on it

Jennifer, your post was very encouraging! My parents, too have very similar views and do not support my decision to be with an OM. I am almost 24, he is 43. They have often said I'll regret it in a few years and that I'd be making the biggest mistake of my life. It's nice to hear a success story like your's! You sound very happy!! :)

They are very old fashioned and older men just didn't date younger women in their time and if they did the men were called sugar daddies. Those days are gone. When B and I got married it was still uncommon ...

Actually, if you go back far enough in time, it was fairly common for much older men to marry young women. 18th President Grover Cleveland, 49, married 21-year old Frances Folsom in 1884, making her the youngest First Lady, and their marriage was considered acceptable by most people. In fact, four presidents between 1800 and 1900 married women in their 20s when they were in their 40s+! The biggest presidential age difference after 1900 was the 12 years between John and Jakie Kennedy. If by "old days" you mean the 1950s/60s/70s, you're probably right. We went through a period in this country when older men/young women were frowned at. I don't know why. It may have something to do with the evolution of modern psychology and it's influence on society. I really don't know. But, like I said in another post, Internet access is giving today's people more avenues to communicate, and more people to communicate with, and they're starting to change their thinking.

In situations like this, it makes me wonder if there are some bigger emotional issues coming to the surface (in the case of the parents), which go beyond parental protectiveness? I mean when a man is clearly showing love for the daughter, the relationship is happy & good, and the man is also a friend of the family's....the amount of hositility demonstrated by the mother especially seems out of whack.

Some things which come to mind are perhaps its hard for a mother seeing her daughter date someone from her own generation. I haven't been through this myself, but I imagine it would be confronting for some mothers. By crossing that `generation gap', the daughter becomes sexual competition for men in the mother's generation, where before she was safely and benignly regarded a `child', competing for a whole different pool of younger males. I'm not saying that this competitive thing would be overt, only that seeing her daughter date men in her generation may have suddenly aroused strong feelings related to competitiveness, which may be uncomfortable and difficult to properly acknowledge for her. The hostility is perhaps just a mask for these deeper, more difficult feelings on the mother's part.

Another thought is that for many women in long term marriages in that age group, it is a niggling fear that their guy will have the cliche mid-life crisis and ditch her for a younger female. This is such a common fear and I believe that it often forms the emotional basis for disapproval of OM/YW relationships, although this emotional basis is rarely acknowledged. I suppose what I'm driving at is that it may be difficult for mom to approve of her daughter's relationship without also sending out the message to her husband that she feels that is ok for older men to trade their wives in for younger models. Perhaps she's worried that if her male friend is seeing a beautiful young woman (her own daughter to boot!), then her husband will get ideas?

If any of this is at all true, I believe that the best way forward would be to tactfully give the parents some time & space to adjust to these new feelings and emotions, and hopefully sort them out. Parents are meant to protect and love their children, not feel threatened by them.....imagine how hard this would be deal with emotionally as a parent? It wouldn't hurt to send some assurance and compliments your mother's way too.....sometimes well aimed love is a great antidote to insecurity.

Isn't is weird how as you get older, sometimes your parents feel like the children, and you feel like the teacher? Perhaps thats how it is supposed to be....children become the teachers...

Thanks for the enlightenment SummerBob. I didn't know that about the presidents. I guess when I said the "old days" I meant the generation my parents grewup in which was the 40's. My bad, I needed to be clearer when I said that.

In situations like this, it makes me wonder if there are some bigger emotional issues coming to the surface (in the case of the parents), which go beyond parental protectiveness? I mean when a man is clearly showing love for the daughter, the relationship is happy & good, and the man is also a friend of the family's....the amount of hositility demonstrated by the mother especially seems out of whack.

Some things which come to mind are perhaps its hard for a mother seeing her daughter date someone from her own generation. I haven't been through this myself, but I imagine it would be confronting for some mothers. By crossing that `generation gap', the daughter becomes sexual competition for men in the mother's generation, where before she was safely and benignly regarded a `child', competing for a whole different pool of younger males. I'm not saying that this competitive thing would be overt, only that seeing her daughter date men in her generation may have suddenly aroused strong feelings related to competitiveness, which may be uncomfortable and difficult to properly acknowledge for her. The hostility is perhaps just a mask for these deeper, more difficult feelings on the mother's part.

Another thought is that for many women in long term marriages in that age group, it is a niggling fear that their guy will have the cliche mid-life crisis and ditch her for a younger female. This is such a common fear and I believe that it often forms the emotional basis for disapproval of OM/YW relationships, although this emotional basis is rarely acknowledged. I suppose what I'm driving at is that it may be difficult for mom to approve of her daughter's relationship without also sending out the message to her husband that she feels that is ok for older men to trade their wives in for younger models. Perhaps she's worried that if her male friend is seeing a beautiful young woman (her own daughter to boot!), then her husband will get ideas?

If any of this is at all true, I believe that the best way forward would be to tactfully give the parents some time & space to adjust to these new feelings and emotions, and hopefully sort them out. Parents are meant to protect and love their children, not feel threatened by them.....imagine how hard this would be deal with emotionally as a parent? It wouldn't hurt to send some assurance and compliments your mother's way too.....sometimes well aimed love is a great antidote to insecurity.

Isn't is weird how as you get older, sometimes your parents feel like the children, and you feel like the teacher? Perhaps thats how it is supposed to be....children become the teachers...
Fantastic insight and perspective, Bella D... excellent post.

I was in the exact situation you speak of. I was seperated from my husband and met a YM. We fell in love and my parents went ballistic. They started following me places, even hired a PI. My parents live next door to me!!! So they could actually watch the comings and goings at my house. I am a responsible 49 yr. old that has two children ages 22 and 12. I have always been the very best Mom I could be to my children. Always putting them first. But I was accused of neglecting them, being selfish (my parents words) My sister even had the PI tape the YM and me kissing outside a restaurant. Then used the tape to blackmail me. She told me to go back to my husband and she would never tell him. I was told by my husband and parents that all the stock in our business was given by my husband to my parents. I would be left with nothing. As long as I fit in to everyone's mold and didn't step outside the box I never knew my parent's were controlling. To make a long story short I got extremely tired of the crying, fits, the following and I just said I can't take it anymore, I went back to my husband. So now I live with a functioning alcoholic. He drinks a six pack every night. Weekends it's more. We never go anywhere, he doesn't spend time with our youngest daughter. But the business is intact and my parents and sister are happy. My Mom said she is finally able to sleep now. I told her that's good, because NOW I don't. But at least they are all happy and back to normal. My point to this story is...Do exactly what you want to do and what makes you happy. Have that birthday party at your house, invite your parents, and your man. Don't make excuses for your life. They have their choice whether to come or not. If they decide to come be yourself. Natural, happy, and show affection to your man. Let them get over it. If this is what you want then be strong and never waiver. THEIR unhappiness is not your problem. And it sure beats the alternative.....Resentment.
Good luck and please be stronger than I was. I will forever feel they changed the course of my life.