Putting myself on the chopping block

Okay, here I am and this is my story. I have spent quite a lot of time reading posts and getting a sense of the people here and am ready to open my situation for opinions. I need guidence from those that have been there, or are there...

Last year I befriended a couple who like me were traveling around looking for a new place to be. We have all become friends. Out of a fitness training relationship and our friendship (non-sexual) the wife says she has developed a deep love for me. On telling me this she offered to leave her husband immediately and marry me. I was shocked. I really liked her and her husband, but was also flattered by her offer. Her expression of love for me seemed incredibly genuine and I could see how she was overwhelmed by it. It felt like an honor for me and in many ways she is so much of what I have waited for in a woman. The fact that she was married and wanted to leave a husband she had been with for 25 years made me hesitate. Also I am 40 and there is a 13 year age difference that made me hesitate mostly because I was feeling foolish about thinking of being with a older woman. Of course, a part of me wanted to embrace it and take her up on her offer BUT another part refused to take away a woman from another man who would have been broadsided by this development. I could not imagine violating another human being that way. I maintained my integrity (even though it was quite a challenge) and told her I too, was very drawn to her, but that I was not an option for her.

I last saw them 2 months ago...when they departed where we were staying in an attempt to sort out the problems in their relationship. As she left she again told me she wanted to jump ship but knew that I had made it clear that I was not an option for her. She left in tears.

I had a surprise visit the other day from the two of them. Nothing has changed...I am very conflicted. My happiness at the cost of the husbands. Never. But what if their relationship has been over (in spirit) for sometime now. I do not want to prompt her to leave him on the promise that then I will begin a relationship with her. If she becomes single on her own without prompting from me...I know I would go to be with her. Am I wrong to not let her know that I am not willing to make any commitments unless she ends her marriage on her own. I guess I think she should be brave enough to end her marriage without the guarantee that I will be waiting for her...that would be something I could live with. I don't want our love to be tainted by the destruction of anothers life. This question is starting to interfer in the rest of my life. I can't focus, I can't figure out what feels right to do. I do not want to lose what could be the opportunity for a wonderful relationship for the two of us.

I have no idea what it feels like to be a older woman who has been married a 1/4 century who falls in love with a younger man. Any ideas as to what could be going on in her mind? What would you all do if this were you in either my or her situation?

What would you all do if this were you in either my or her situation?


her situation: talk to my husband about my unhappiness and seek counseling


your situation: run

"If she becomes single on her own without prompting from me..."

I think you pretty much answered your own question. If she's to leave her marriage, it should preferably be on her own. Don't become her excuse.

First of all, let me applaud you on your emotional integrity, something this woman obviously knows nothing about.

Secondly, you're right about one thing in this whole mess. If she cannot leave her husband on her own, without the promise of another, what would be the honour of her word. Is it bonding? Is it honourable? From where I'm sitting, its neither...nor for you or her husband. If her relationship was as bad as she claim it was, and she love you with such intensity, when she went home even the thought of having her husband touch her would repulse her.

Thirdly,

I do not want to lose what could be the opportunity for a wonderful relationship for the two of us.

At what cost. you've already alienated her affection for her husband, can you live with that. Would she had left her husband if you hadn't come along? Would you have gotten involve with her if she had already been divorce?

Can you live with the idea that this person is willing to hurt another and could just as easily hurt you? Why not, she's shown to have no scurples?

You've told her where you stand, I would leave it alone. You will not die, you will continue to live, there will be another.

Am I wrong to not let her know that I am not willing to make any commitments unless she ends her marriage on her own.

yes, because she will end it, but not on her own, but because she can't have you with it, so you're back to square one, no honour...no bond. And I wager, you will not be able to live with yourself, after all...DID YOU NOT CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND TO THIS MAN...you're turning out to be quite a friend...is that how you want to leave this life...a untrustworthy friend. That would be sad indeed.

paris

you sound like a good guy. your lady friend has a problem but it is not your problem.

this is not a good situation. maybe it would better to busy yourself the next time they come around... she keeps coming around because you have not completely closed the door to her.

she keeps testing the waters and you are only human.... i would say find a way to make your intentions clear. it sounds like much heartache if you were to throw caution to the wind and take her up on her offer, the relationship would be starting off on a very rocky place.

time will tell, if down the road she ends up leaving him and single then you will know that it was because this was her only option and not because she used YOU as the option.

Personally I would never want to become involved in something this complex. Life is hard enough. I'd rather get into a relationship cleanly, and this ain't it!

If she leaves her husband on her own, and there is a respectable period of her grieving the loss of this tremendously long union (which will happen, with or without you in the picture....ever think of that?) THEN, and only then would I consider taking up with her.

My opinion is that this is a classic case of "it looks good in the showroom" but once you had it out driving it, you might have buyers remorse BIG TIME.

You do sound like an upright kind of guy. Continue living your life, and every time you think of her, think of England instead. If it's meant to be, it will, but I certainly wouldn't encourage it....

Gyps......

Yes, it does appear that she is 'over' her 25 year marriage......

However, would this have still been the case if she 'hadn't' met you. Well theres no point in talking about that really, because she HAS met you.......

Okay......If you stay out of the picture, she may stay with her husband, and it may end up being an even better marriage, well, than she is having now. Did you think of that option?.......Perhaps the fact that she is 'ready' to jump ship is not something she has looked into enough. Perhaps the ship is already very close to the shore. And she didn't have to go that far, 'after all'......to find what she is looking for.......Perhaps her husband really IS that man........for her.

But you don't know all this, well, no-one does really.

Look, don't you want to find someone without all this baggage. Granted, yes, you probably ARE attracted to her.......Buy why don't you get out a bit more. If you are walking around with glasses on that have holographic pictures of HER on them. How are you going to notice all the 'other' potential BABES walking around.

Time......., I think is needed here. Yes, it is possible that it could work between the two of you. However, it is also sooooo possible that you can fall in Love with someone......that isn't her!!!

You know what?..... I don't like to see a 25year marriage go down the drain. How many people really stick around for that long. Why do we always think we want someone new.......Why does she want to leave.......Is it really already 'over'.......How does she know this with YOU on the horizon.....

Get Off the horizon, is my advice to you.......You don't have to take it, but there are 'always'......'Other'......options my friend ;)

When you are jumping ship out into the uncharted waters, almost anything within reach can serve as a life preserver.

Does that make any sense to you?

What I am saying is...when you are leaving the comfort of a very long term relationship, where everything is a "known", and going off into the world alone for the first time in a very long time, it is very easy to develop feelings for someone which seem completely genuine at the time..but in reflection were more a self-defense, self-preservation type thing.

Therefore, a life preserver. Or, as my mother likes to call them, a Band-Aid relationship. Someone who helps you have the strength to leave...and possibly a reason for leaving. Someone who makes it not so scary. Someone so you are not alone. And it's very easy to think you have fallen in love with that person, because they listen to you, they make you feel safe and secure, and they support you in your decision.

Ack, I wish it wasn't so late, because my words are failing me, but do you get my meaning?

It's just never good to get involved with someone who is just leaving or has just gotten out of a long-term relationship.....in my opinion.

gypsyboy...it is obvious by your post that you are a man of integrity. It is hard to field these affections, yet take a stand as you have, and I commend you for that. I agree....if there were ANY chance of you and this ow having a future relationship, it would have to follow the correct timeline: she decides on her own to leave her marriage....she heals emotionally for a time from that loss, seeks counsel perhaps to feel "whole again" on her own....THEN you reconnect. A relationship begun when one person is not free (of a primary realtionship elsewhere) is headed for disaster.

Keep your resolve and your integrity...things will work out in the end and you will feel good about yourself for having taken the high road.

And, WinteredElements....your post was right on, insightful and encouraging....kudos!

Best to you gypsyboy,
Karen

Am I wrong to not let her know that I am not willing to make any commitments unless she ends her marriage on her own. I guess I think she should be brave enough to end her marriage without the guarantee that I will be waiting for her...that would be something I could live with. I don't want our love to be tainted by the destruction of anothers life.

If in your gut, this doesn't feel right, then it's probably not the right thing to do. Trust your instincts. Tell her how you feel just as you've told us. She needs to sort through her marital problems on her own and leave you out of the equation. Then, if she is truly serious about ending her marriage, it should not be to run into the arms of another man.. it should be because she has tried everything she can to save the marriage and it just isn't working anymore. She should get a divorce first, go through a healing period, and then consider the possibility of a new relationship.

Good luck to you. :)

Hi Gypsyboy...first let me say that you do sound like a very sweet, understanding person. Having said that----
I agree with Trace---she gets some help and you RUN as fast as your very fit legs can take you!
I know its not easy....but its truly the right thing to do and will save you and several other people a lot of pain and heartache!!

Secondly, it really bothers me that this woman pops in for unexpected visits with her husband in tow. How creepy is that?? I mean not that she should come alone but she's using him, tricking him; he's coming along to say Hello to a friend and has no clue.....just feels ooky. :mad:

If in your gut, this doesn't feel right, then it's probably not the right thing to do. Trust your instincts. Tell her how you feel just as you've told us. She needs to sort through her marital problems on her own and leave you out of the equation. Then, if she is truly serious about ending her marriage, it should not be to run into the arms of another man.. it should be because she has tried everything she can to save the marriage and it just isn't working anymore. She should get a divorce first, go through a healing period, and then consider the possibility of a new relationship.

Good luck to you. :)

This is excellent advice for you gypsy... you do sound like a very upstanding guy and as the old saying goes "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure". You can avoid a lot of pain in all directions by sidestepping this situation. However, I do believe things happen as they should and that if the two of you are meant to be, it is going to happen regardless. :)