the kids are getting in the way...?

Ok, quick summary of my situation:

I am almost 21 - He is 48. I met him through one of my best friends - it was her dad. When she headed off for college I started working for her dad at the age of 18-19. We worked together more and more every day and eventually we became involved. We have been "together" for around 1.5 years. Along with his daughter (who is around my age), he has 2 sons: 15 & 13.

He is divorced, and his 2 sons live with their mother and step father. The daughter is in another city (90 min. away) in college.

The boys officially spend the night every other weekend.

Neither his family nor my family know we are a couple. I live at home still, so my family suspects it because we're always together, night & day - but regardless i do not admit it. He is afraid of his daughter finding out and dis-owning him. I dont know what she would do if she found out...

Anyways, we have a great relation ship. We joke together, have great sex and are great friends.

One problem is that we work together, so sometimes at the end of the day i think he feels like he needs a break, but yet i feel like i would like to spend some quality time together not working.

Another problem that has been progressively getting work is that his older son is wanting to spedn the night with the dad alot, which means we cannot make love, kiss or do anything that a couple would do, because he does not want his kids finding out. Although, I usually am invited to hang out with them. The kids know me and like me, but do not know i am his girlfriend. Well this would be ok if if were only a couple nights a week, but lately it has been around 3 nights he has his son, 1 night he goes out with his best buddy, and the other nights we may get to spend time together or he may want to be alone because he's worn out.

Lately I have found myself getting really upset when his son calls during the day wanting to spend the night, because i know that means we are not going to be able to spend quality time toghether.

My bf is torn because he does not want to say no to his son, but knows i get a look on my face like i am pissed. What do i do? I love him so much, but do not want to make him feel guilty for letting his son spend the night, yet i feel as though we dont get enough alone bonding time together? And i dont want to seem like a heartless, selfish b*tch either.

Please help.

Olive ~

It seems to me that it's not so much that the kids are getting in the way as the secrecy of the relationship is getting in the way. Perhaps the two of you need to revisit the decision to keep the relationship a secret.

If the secrecy is to continue, then you will need to make a choice between staying in the relationship and agreeing to put his children first, or leaving the relationship.

He does not want to say no to his son not just for the son's sake but also because he wants to spend time with his child (children). He is probably thrilled that his son(s) want to spend so much time with him even though he and his ex are no longer married. If you cannot 100 percent support the relationship between him and his children, you might want to reconsider being in a relationship with this man.

Flip the situation around. If you had children and had a boyfriend that was giving you the same treatment, or pressure, that you're giving your bf, you would begin to feel as if that person were saying "It's them, or me". And any parent of worth is going to choose 'them' over you.

What if something happened and he suddenly became the parent with physical custody, and the kids were there full-time? This is a realistic possibility.

Further, if the relationships is disclosed and the children don't 'disown' the father, are you automatically assuming that your overnight priviledges would be unlimited? This is something that varies from couple to couple so I'm just putting it out there.

I didn't address the other issues (his needs space, his daughter, etc.) because I believe that what I did address is the most important issue in your post - for everyone involved.

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thank you so much for the input, that really helped put things in perspective.. everything you said, was all stuff i have heard him say before. i really love him and want to do whatever to make it work. i dont want to be selfish, but sometimes i feel like i cant help it, it is obveously something i need to work on. more replies welcome please

In my opinion his minor children should always come first because these are the years in which he is raising them to be successful happy people in the world someday. If you guys are serious then maybe you should like let people know that u are together. Just from a Karma standpoint I personally wouldn't want to take away from the children's time with their dad. Are you following your dreams, like are you going to school or dreaming of a certain career that would ultimately provide you with happiness that u can't get from someone else? It's so true that we can't change anyone but we can change ourselves. Take care!

thank you so much for the input, that really helped put things in perspective.. everything you said, was all stuff i have heard him say before. i really love him and want to do whatever to make it work. i dont want to be selfish, but sometimes i feel like i cant help it, it is obveously something i need to work on. more replies welcome please

Olive, it's not necessarily selfish that you want to spend time with the one you love, sweetie.

But the situation that you two have set-up has a built-in roadblock, you see? Or at least a built-in limitation.

If he were to begin choosing you over the kids, he will come to resent you.

And Skatergirl is right...be sure that you are pursuing other interests outside the relationship. It's good for your psyche and keeps you interesting!

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thank u so much for all of the support. it really helps, because i am not able to talk about this wil anyone here except for one friend, but she doesnt really listen or offer advice.

i just feel so selfish for wanting him so badlly, but yet when he has his kids i do not feel fully satisfied. i dont know what to do, but lately i have been feeling depressed, crying (which i never used to do), but i dont wanna feel sorry for myself. i wanna get over this slump and make it work.

It will be okay, Olive. Really it will.

This situation is an opportunity for soul-searching and growth. It is also an opportunity for learning more about yourself, your wants and your needs.

No rush, you know? But if you decide to end the relationship, it doesn't mean that you're selfish. It just means that the situation wasn't right for you.

I do wish for you, though, the discontinuance of secrecy about the relationship.

For many reasons...

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I would venture to say that the honeymoon phase is wearing off. :(

I would venture to say that the honeymoon phase is wearing off. :(

I agree with the other responses here. His children should be his priority and if you want this relationship you have to accept that.

What I really want to address is you and your needs. One of the previous responses suggested you take some time for yourself and pursue your own goals. She was right on the money.

At your age I spent entirely too much time focused on a boyfriend or finding a boyfriend. All I thought about was love and now that I'm in my early thirties I get irritated when I look back and see how much time I wasted worrying over things like that when I could have been doing so many wonderful things to improve and expand my experiences and knowledge.

You are young and the world is your oyster. Take every opportunity and seize life with both hands. Educate yourself, travel, experience different cultures, music, art ect. Doing these things will make you a well rounded person, fill you with confidence and in my experience men find that excessively attractive. Do some things for yourself, see him when you can, and spend your free time expanding your life. He will appreciate it and so will you. Good luck, God bless, and remember that you can do anything you want to. Don't let your feelings of devotion and neediness hinder you from being all that you can be.

To be in a relationship that promotes SECRECY from his children --- as well as dishonesty... I think that could be disastrous for the relationship- both you and him and he and his children.

Good point, SB.
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