Confused and looking for advice

Hello. I've just been left flat and I'm feeling despondent. The details: I'm a 40 year old single professional. About three or four months ago, a very attractive 21 year old waitress at the local coffee bar started to make small talk with me, every morning. Now I know what you are thinking, but let me tell you, this woman was articulate, literate, talented, funny, and had a great personality. She was a college student in a journalism program. We also discovered that we shared common passions for reading, history and above all else music and movies. We'd each loved the same obscure movies, ones that few would even know about. We would talk longer and longer each day, bonding in a certain sense. There was an undeniable chemistry between us, my friends and her co-workers noticed and would comment to us each . One day, she made me a CD filled with newer indie rock songs, mostly dealing with love. I thought wouldn’t it be nice if she was actually “sending me messages” through the songs, but I dismissed it as just a nice gesture from her to a fellow music lover.

Approximately two weeks later, as I walked by her shop, she came running out the door after me, and asked if I could walk with her. She told me that she would get very nervous around me and that she was sorry she was so “clumsy” around me. I told her I didn’t mind, and that in fact, talking to her was the highlight of my day, which was the truth. We exchanged email addresses, and parted company.

What followed was a very intense set of emails from her to me, with me responding to each. She would send me Shakespeare sonnets, Indian love poems, and just general thoughts, always indicating her desire to talk to me more, and “I can’t wait to work again so I can see you.”

My interactions with her became more and more involved until one day, she asked me, “So when are you going to ask me out?” I had been waiting for this opportunity but was still shocked, I didn’t imagine she’d want to date a 40 year old (without bragging, I look 30). I just stammered that it was “complicated” and left it at that. She persisted however, telling my friends that she “had a huge crush” on me.

She also made me other CDs, again with modern love songs. One even had liner notes she composed, pointing out certain lyrics to me, ALWAYS having to do with love and with being together.

People around her would tell her, she said, that they noticed we had chemistry, and that she lit up when I was around.

We then got together after work, driving around town, going to local lakes, just simply reveling in each other’s company. Finally, one day, at her workplace, when no one was in, I kissed her. I was hooked.

Finally, after more emails and enticing encounters, we decided to have a date. It was a Sunday afternoon, all we did was get some ice cream, enjoy the scenery and sit together in a field on a beautiful April day. On the drive home, she shocked me by saying “this is the best date I’ve ever had,” and more incredibly “If I died right now, I would die happy because I’ve had this day with you.” I nearly drove the car off the road!!

Then after about two more weeks of this, with more frequent and increasing physical contact, though no sex, I told her that I loved her. She looked at me and said, “well, you must know that I absolutely love you too.” I felt like the heavens were shining upon me for once. It was an epiphany, a beautiful moment in softly falling rain. This was May 2, 2005.

Two days later we made love for the first time, it was a beautiful, passionate romantic love. She told me over and over again that she loved my touch, no one had ever touched her that way, and so forth. It was an incredibly moving experience.

The calls and emails continued throughout May. We went out a few more times, always in complete bliss. At her workplace, she always asked me to stay, she even wrote notes on coffee cups and handed them to me as a surprise. I had never been so completely enveloped in love, getting as much as I was giving for a change. She told me consistently that no one had ever treated her this way, that I was special, that I made her feel good about herself. I frequently asked her if things were too intense, and she said no, that she loved finally having a man who could show love as well as she could. She felt free she said. I also asked her repeatedly if this was still a crush, and she emphatically denied it, saying that a crush is unrequited, and that this was very mutual. I took it all to heart, satisfied with her explanation.

Then one day, with no explanation or cause, I noticed a 180 degree shift. When I called her after work she seemed angry that I was on the phone, though she had earlier asked me to call. She was terse and short with me when I gave her a ride home, VERY unusual behavior which had never before happened. She wanted nothing to do with me when I called or showed up at her workplace. I was deeply hurt, and confused by this erratic behavior. She wouldn’t tell me anything about what was wrong, and just brushed me off coldly. It was hard to believe this was the same person.

I went through a tortured weekend, not knowing, and with her not talking. Then I decided that I’d give her some space, and did not talk to her Monday (6/6/05). This was the first day in two months that we hadn’t at least spoken on the phone.

The following Tuesday, after she sent me an email Monday night saying "So I'll see you tomorrow?", I went to her workplace, figuring I’d go back to my usual routine. The smiles were gone. She would not even LOOK at me!!! I was floored.

At the end of the day, I went back to her café. I asked her to call me at the end of the day. She just said “I don’t want to stress you out.” I told her not to worry. I told her I loved her. She just looked at me and said “I know.” I stumbled back to my office, crestfallen.

She called me after work, telling me, incredibly, “I don’t have time to talk.” I then got angry and told her that I deserved an explanation. What followed was a short statement about needing to get her life together, financially and educationally (apparently she failed a class), and that her father, with whom she lives, is very angry about her situation in general. I should note that she kept me and previous boyfriends away from him.

She then said "I love you, but I can’t be in love with you right now.” She refused my requests to talk in person. I simply don't know where I stand, a very tough place to be in. Is it over? Is she just temporarily overwhelmed? Why won't she talk to me?? Women out there, can you give me some insight. Please do not doubt one thing though: Our feelings were as mutual as can be,unless this woman is an Academy Award winning actress, and that she, not I, initiated this relationship.

Hi! I'm visiting from the "other" side and I hope you won't mind the attempt at advice here. I know that when I am overwhelmed I attempt to regain control over my life by pulling away from others. It sounds like she has a lot in her life right now and that she might be trying to do this too.

Can you send her an e-mail that reiterates that you love her very much and that you want to help her/support her during this stressful time for her? Can you say that you understand the need to exert some control over her life when things feel so crazy? Can you say that you appreciate that the love you both share makes it feel "safer" for her to do this? Can you ask her what you can do to help her during this time? Remind her that lovers support and care for each other during stressful times, as well as good times, and that you want to be there for her... and that also you might just be able to help her regain her control.

If she asks for space after that, then I would respond with agreement. I would say I love you and if you want/need space, then I am going to give it to you.

Marcy thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. I sent an email after I got the "explanation" just saying that I'm here for her, always, and that she's special and beautiful to me. I told her we could talk whenever she wants with "no pressure, no expectations" (direct quote). That was last Tuesday night, so now its been six days, no contact either way.

Another complication: Her birthday is Thursday. Before all this, I promised to make this her best birthday ever, as her past B-days had been terrible, she said, with her old Bf handing her a $20 and saying "Go get yourself a present" and things like that. I don't think a gift is appropriate now though. I'm going to give her a simple non-romantic card. I'll sign it "Love, [my name]," and add that I hope she's doing OK and that I';m here for her. What do you think?

I like that idea, but I might go ahead and call her (or send e-mail if you are not up for call) and say hey I was thinking of you, wanted to make sure you were doing well, and I remember your birthday is coming up. I still want to make good on my promise to make this your best birthday ever. If your not up for it, I understand, but I want you to know... I'm here. :)

Hmmmmmmmmm, interesting idea. My friends, at least the ones i can confide in, are telling me to forget her completely and let her come to me. One is telling me she's dumped me and handled it badly, so let her go and don't be a doormat. Believe me, if this woman wasn't worth it, I'd have just gotten angry and moved on. I thought the card, being "indirect" contact would be best. The ball is in her court now, the card keeps it there until . . . . I'll really have to think about a phone call or email promising to make good on my earlier statements, because I don't want to appear needy, and I don't want to reward this behavior which has been hurtful, even if she didn't intend that pain.

Marcy and anyone else, do you think that this was just a crush, intense as it was, and that once she "had" me it was no fun anymore? I simply can't explain the complete lack of contact, especially a few days after she told me she had no one to talk to, and had told me some very personal things about her and her family, always telling me "you're such a good listener, it makes me feel important," and "you're the only one I can talk to about these things." Why shut me off and leave me with only a brief (very) expalnation that I had to pry out of her?

Hmmmmmmmmm, interesting idea. My friends, at least the ones i can confide in, are telling me to forget her completely and let her come to me. One is telling me she's dumped me and handled it badly, so let her go and don't be a doormat. Believe me, if this woman wasn't worth it, I'd have just gotten angry and moved on. I thought the card, being "indirect" contact would be best. The ball is in her court now, the card keeps it there until . . . . I'll really have to think about a phone call or email promising to make good on my earlier statements, because I don't want to appear needy, and I don't want to reward this behavior which has been hurtful, even if she didn't intend that pain.

I completely understand what you are saying here. I am not one that usually hangs the "yea but she/he is young" banner out. However, I do want to say that the younger you are... the more likely your coping skills are going to be... let's just say... unsophisticated? One of the things you need to remember in a relationship with a very young partner (for discussion's sake 21 and younger, k?) is a little more understanding and room for growth then perhaps other relationships. This is something I really believe. My guy is 20. I am 37. It is work to bridge the gap, but more than the gap, the very young age of my partner.

I cannot say if she's gone forever or if your investment is warrented, but neither can your friends. Only you can measure the value of your emotional investment and only time will tell the outcome of your relationship.

Marcy and anyone else, do you think that this was just a crush, intense as it was, and that once she "had" me it was no fun anymore? I simply can't explain the complete lack of contact, especially a few days after she told me she had no one to talk to, and had told me some very personal things about her and her family, always telling me "you're such a good listener, it makes me feel important," and "you're the only one I can talk to about these things." Why shut me off and leave me with only a brief (very) expalnation that I had to pry out of her?

*shrugs* I can't say whether or not it was a crush. I do believe that a crush doesn't have a reciprocal factor to it... only a relationship does. I think your question really is... did/does she love me like she said she did? Only she can answer that question. I think that pressure and intimacy can be frightening for people. We all deal with those things in different ways. The older and more experienced we are, the better we are at it (though not necessarily ;)). It could be a matter of her misjudging her feelings, but it could also be a matter of extreme distress for her too.

My boyfriend is 41, I am 26, so 15 year age gap. When we started dating I'm not sure if either of us thought we would fall as hard as we did. He was into having a serious relationship from the VERY BEGINNING... I was a little more tepid, wondering how we would bridge that 15 years when he already had children, a wife, and a lot more life experience.

It took me awhile, I must admit, to realize that I just wanted to be with him. And I did break up with him probably about 2 or 3 times. And I appreciated his patience with me as I sorted my thoughts out about the age gap, because if he didn't let me have that time to sort it out, we wouldn't be where we are today. Today we are very happy... He means the world to me, and we are moving in together next month!!!! :D

I don't know if your lady friend will have the same realization I did about the age gap... And certainly don't push her. I think that a simple email or card on her birthday is sufficient, just keep showing her, gently that you are there for her should she need you. In the meantime, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to move on.

And I agree with Marcy... Only time will tell the outcome of your relationship.

I agree with way_away. I am in a 19 year age gap (i am soon to be 24 and he is 43) and I am constantly changing my mind! One reason is my parents are completely not in favor of it. My guy knows I love him and he's been so great in understanding. Give it some time, she may be getting a lot of crap from her father if he knows about the situation. Hang in there! She may need to think about it. Be patient with her, I would definitely send that card, as well.

Wow, I'm grateful for the thoughtful responses from all of you. I won't pressure her, not at all. I'll remain respectful of her space, and take her brief explanation as the best she can do for now. Her father is an overbearing figure in her life, and I know she's never mentioned me to him. In fact, she was mortified one day when I picked her up and he was home. It wasn't just me though, she always told me that "My father knows nothing about my social life," and mentioned sneaking out (and back in) even to be with friends, sometimes. I thank all of you for your insights, and hope that good things come back to you as a result of your willingness to share and comment.

I'd welcome any other thoughts as well, positive or negative.

Thanks Again.

I haven't changed my mind in 10 months and I've never been happier! :)

Time WILL tell in this case for sure. Just be supportive in the meantime to her.

Hi and Welcome to Ageless!

The one thing I am a strong believer in, is if someone wants to be with YOU, they will be with you. They wont push you away, become distant, turn there back on you, or proclaim there love to you and then just walk away.

Not to sound harsh, but is that the type of person you really want to spend time on? Is that the type of person you want to love?

You seem like a very sweet man, one who has a lot of love to offer a very special woman, don't get hung up on someone who dosen't return the feelings.

Don't look back anymore, just look forward, and know there's someone special out there for you.

IF things are ment to be they'l be...

peteheat, wow, I would be floored too. That was a totally unpredicted turn of events after such a beautiful and intense courtship and you still do not have an explanation. I think you're handling the situation well, considering!

Pete, what many of us in OW/YM relationships learn fast is that when dating younger people, you still need to hold them to a standard of decent behaviour towards us. Many of us experience exceptionally good treatment from partners in their early twenties, and there are those of us who have had shabby experiences too. Its more about the personality of the person, than age.

The way I see it, after a very full-on courtship, mostly initiated by her, you have basically been shafted and left having to guess why. If you are to take her on face value, what you have is someone incredibly fickle on your hands, who can seem to love you to bits one day, and then completely change her mind the next. Noone thrives in this situation, it will damage your sense of being worthy and attractive....love needs to be somewhat consistent to be healthy and benficial.

This is no way to treat someone you claim to love. Worse, although you haven't said it, you would be left wondering if she has someone else or has cheated, which is very stressful.

For the sake of a possible future with her, I would suggest that you back off completely for a couple of weeks. It will communicate self respect. Anything else suggests that her behaviour is ok with you, and that you will happily comply with vascilating behaviour on her part. She needs to make a decision, or maybe she already has. If she needs time to process whether she wants to be with you or not.....then let her take it, with the understanding that you may or not be there for her when she makes up her mind. I believe this would be more powerful and commnad more respect from her than floating around after her, when she has clealry done the worng thing by you.

I completely agree with Bella_D. What she is doing is really not acceptable and you need to establish that.

It's nice to be supportive, but not at your own expense.

Hi Pete,
Advice from a gal whose been in her shoes: give her the space she requests, no excuses! Don't call, e-mail, visit her at work, or send her a birthday card. Trying to keep in contact with her when she's made her views known is the worst thing you could do. (at least for my situation ) I know it will be hard but she needs to figure this out on her own. Too bad! She is young and maybe just needs more time to establish herself. Good luck.

Thanks again for all of your thoughts. I actually just returned from a short business trip, for a few hours, and I had to go to a town that she and I used to like to go to, brought back memories, made me wonder why this is happening, why she's doing this, etc. Sorry to be maudlin.

As i read some of the other threads, I have to tell you, I am reminded of the fact that I repeatedly asked her if my age was a concern, she told me that she didn't care, that it was not important to her, that she got along with me, that i treated her better than anyone else, etc. She also told me more than once that "I hate people my own age, they know nothing and don't care about anything." Further, she has an 18 year old single friend that she wanted to fix up with a 30 year old guy she knows, so I just don't see this as a sudden onset of being panicked about the age issue.

I know that I should be protective of myself here, and one of the increasingly clear messages I'm getting from all of you is that I should just do nothing, as a means of showing her that her behavior is totally unacceptable, which it is. But she did not tell me it was over, that she didn't want to see me anymore, etc. "I love you but I can't be in love with you right now." That was it, nothing else.

Should i just send a simple email saying "[her name], what's going on/what happened?" Maybe approach a friend of hers and ask what's going on? Have one of my friends ask her? I don't know. Something in me is telling me not to just let it go. Thanks for your help, I'm sure that driving by that place has something to do with my state of mind right now.

Amina, I must have been posting at the same time you were. It looks like I ignored your post, and the one before it, but I most assuredly did not. I appreciate your heartfelt response, and the response of heart4dots. What you said, Amina, has been my initial reaction to all this: How could someone who "loves" me act this way to me? How can she not want to talk to me at all, just a few days after telling me I was the only one who listened, the only one who understood, etc? Jealous thoughts followed: There's someone else, etc. I alternate between just taking her at face value and looking for deeper rationalizations. Maybe it's not rational at all, love came to us unexpectedly, and our love was certainly not rational, so maybe it left her just as irrationally, overnight. But why not just tell me? You know, I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but one of the last things she said to me was "I don't want to be the cause of any stress for you." She also said (in one of my earlier abortive phone calls) "It upsets me to make you upset."

I feel like I deserve an answer, at least as to what's going on, without trying to be overly pressuring about the "relationship." What do you, or any others think? As I said, if I didn't think she was worth it, truly, I would just be very very angry right now, and would not bother. Thank you all for your well reasoned answers.

did it again, Amina, we were posting at the same time. Your advice is good, very good, and resonates within me. So, I'll leave her to her own devices, for now anyway. You're right, getting third parties involved is childish.

Thank you, Amina, but you're the wonderful person for taking the time for a complete and absolute stranger, with the clear head that I surely lack at this point. I alternate between strong and weak moments over this, of not caring (I tell myself) and wanting to fall apart. Maybe I was too nice to her, though she always said that she loved me for that, that she'd never been with a nicer guy, never treated better, etc. I don't think I was a doormat though, I wanted to maintain boundaries. She would always tell me that I encouraged her, that I made her feel special when no one else did. She told me that she'd tell me things she'd NEVER share with her friends, as I was the only one who'd understand.

You are right though, as much as I want to (at this moment anyway) contact her, just to find out, I will not. I don't want to show her that this is acceptable, or that I am needy.

You know, I may be deluding myself, but the most shocking thing of all would be if there was someone else. I just cannot believe that her very intense pursuit of me, for months, and our very intense mutual feelings could be swept aside in one or two days for the sake of someone else. To be cold, we were not together all the time, if she was of a mind to, she could easily have had somebody and I'd never know about it.

Do you think, and yell at me loudly if I'm rationalizing, but do you think she's just so confused about everything that the only way to deal with me is to shut off. I mean maybe inside she's really wantng me to reach out, crazy as it sounds. Or maybe she thinks I'm so mad/upset/ that she's afraid to call because she thinks MY feelings have changed after all this?


This birthday of hers, Thursday, also has me torn up. Maybe her actions have forfeited her right to have me recognize it at all. Inside, I think it's a mistake to just let it go. My gut says, and again feel free to yell at me, just a simple card, nothing romantic, maybe just sign it, don't put in the I'm here for you, because as you so aptly put it, that message has been conveyed now, by email and in our last phone call, both last Tuesday.

Again I thank everyone, but especially you for putting up with me. You know I think back to 2 weeks ago today, Memorial Day. I didn't see her, but we spoke for 10 minutes on the phone. She told me "I love you absolutely and completely." I could have flown. I could never imagine that 2 weeks later, I'd be in this position. Thanks.

Hi Pete,
Advice from a gal whose been in her shoes: give her the space she requests, no excuses! Don't call, e-mail, visit her at work, or send her a birthday card. Trying to keep in contact with her when she's made her views known is the worst thing you could do. (at least for my situation ) I know it will be hard but she needs to figure this out on her own. Too bad! She is young and maybe just needs more time to establish herself. Good luck.

I agree. If I've said I don't want to see or talk to someone I don't want to see or talk to them. If they try to contact me it just makes me angrier.

Hi Pete and Welcome to ageless!!!!

WOW as a lot of them have said... i'm so sorry you are going thru this ...... sounds like one min your in a great start to a relationship and even the I love you flying around and bamn it's all gone...

I do agree with the other ladies this is NOT accpetable... I mean I understand if she decides its nto for her or whatever but You TOTALLY deserve a valid explanation.....

The rest is up to you whether you are willing to accept this or not..... I also agree you can't push her either and need to respect decisions but I think that you deserve some closer or something..

Good Luck Keep us posted!!

Amina, you are an increbible writer, girl:) Your advice was spot on, I believe, and so well articulated.

Thanks to all of you for your concern over a total stranger's situation. I thinbk that yesterday was just particularly rough, going to a town we used to enjoy sure didn't help. The incessant heat last night added to the mix of almost- sleepless confusion. I am glad though, MerAlove, that you think I deserve some explanation. I think I do too, really. If a close friend stopped talking to me altogether, I'd want to know why, I'd be asking what's wrong, did I do something? I don't understand why it would be different with someone who "loves" me. And I agree wholeheartedly with those who've said that you can't change how someone feels, this isn't what I'm trying to do. You can't force someone to love you, wouldn't want that kind of "love" anyway. I've been on the receiving end of that in the past, it just creates more pain than letting go. But I do really deserve to know what the problem is, and why it's apparently fatal to our relationship. She can tell me, how i react is under my control, completely. If it causes pain, or anger, or resentment, or jealousy, those are all things that are under my control. Maybe I need to feel them,ride out their waves, and move on.

I do want to share this though. This woman has very little self confidence. She is beautiful, yet she said she feels ugly unless I'm around. She is talented, yet she says she feels unambitious and afraid to try. She always feels like an outsider, she said. I would always try to make her feel special. She always said I made her feel good about herself, and that nobody ever treated her that way before. I just have a hard time accepting that she would just wake up one morning and decide not to be around me or talk to me at all, when the interactions were all so positive.

But I'm going to heed the collective wisdom of all of you. I'm not going to press her in any way. The ball is definitely in her court. I know that a few have suggested not recognizing her birthday (Thursday) in any way at all. I was just going to get a simple, non-romantic card, and sign it, no candy, flowers, etc. because they are not deserved right now. I'm up in the air now though. Will completely ignoring the birthday send a tacit message of "Hey, I know we talked about your birthday, but now I'm so mad/upset/confused that I don't care about you. Have a nice life." That's not how I feel at all.

Anywaay, thanks to all of you, and I do hope good things come to all of you in your own lives as a result of your willingness to help me with mine.

I do want to share this though. This woman has very little self confidence. She is beautiful, yet she said she feels ugly unless I'm around. She is talented, yet she says she feels unambitious and afraid to try. She always feels like an outsider, she said. I would always try to make her feel special. She always said I made her feel good about herself, and that nobody ever treated her that way before. I just have a hard time accepting that she would just wake up one morning and decide not to be around me or talk to me at all, when the interactions were all so positive.

I am very glad that when I've been the most down and unable to reach out to anyone (indeed even going so far as to push some away)... someone has loved me enough to recognize that... and reach out to me, pull me up on my feet, and stand with me...

You surely do not owe this young woman that, but I'm glad my guy has done that for me...

/edited to add: I agree that it takes a couple to row the boat of the relationship, but I also believe that when we love someone we are willing to row for them when they cannot knowing that they will row for us when we cannot. I know that in this circumstance we cannot know that she would row for him in the reverse, but I do note that often times the advice given on AL is to move on... forget her/him... and it always makes me wonder why we are so anxious to advice others to throw in the towel and move on. Would we not want better from our partners? Afterall, imho, the true measure of a partner is their ability to be *there*, when we aren't able to be *there* ourselves...

I am very glad that when I've been the most down and unable to reach out to anyone (indeed even going so far as to push some away)... someone has loved me enough to recognize that... and reach out to me, pull me up on my feet, and stand with me...

You surely do not owe this young woman that, but I'm glad my guy has done that for me...

/edited to add: I agree that it takes a couple to row the boat of the relationship, but I also believe that when we love someone we are willing to row for them when they cannot knowing that they will row for us when we cannot. I know that in this circumstance we cannot know that she would row for him in the reverse, but I do note that often times the advice given on AL is to move on... forget her/him... and it always makes me wonder why we are so anxious to advice others to throw in the towel and move on. Would we not want better from our partners? Afterall, imho, the true measure of a partner is their ability to be *there*, when we aren't able to be *there* ourselves...

Dang it marcy... this is an incredible post!

I absolutely agree with you, sometimes we do need someone to pick us up and when in a partnership, sometimes we need that other person to row... and being there for someone in those circumstances shows the other partner that they can be relied upon when the rowing gets rough!

My thought when reading through this is, what kind of hold does this "dad" have on his daughter? Could this "dad" really be a husband or a boyfriend that she is in a relationship with? OR if the dad is paying for the education, he may be putting a lot of demands on her, perhaps he is very controlling.

I wouldn't say throw in the towel, and I think that with a younger partner like this, they do not have the life experience you have and they have not developed the coping skills you have, in all likelihood. Sure, give her space and time... but it's not time to give up yet.

Good luck Pete!

Thank you all so much. Again, I'm impressed by your willingness to help a total stranger, and believe me, you are helping, all of you, so thank you.

Some have asked about this woman's father. No, it's not a husband or boyfriend. He just is all over her in general about her perceived lack of direction in life, he dislikes her friends, etc. She keeps her social life a secret from him. He wouldn't be happy about a BF of any age, much less one with a big age difference. In one of the few cryptic calls we had after her "shift," she related that he had found out she failed a class and went ballistic, wanting to exert even more control than he had been. She did make a statement to me that " I have to do things my dad's way for now," I guess meaning staying home more. So accepted at face value, it's the issues with the father (and finances and grades and job) that are the cause of the problems. Just don't know (and sorry for repeating myself) why this has to be and continues to be such a big secret. I had to drag even the above minor bits of information out of her, I honestly think she just thought she'd NEVER explain what happened, that she'd just drop me and run!

So, thanks for your concern. Really. I hope that you all have good loving relationships with people who truly deserve you, because it is what you, each of you, deserve.

And yes, Amina, I'm feeling a bit better today, yesterday got rough in the PM and overnight, but today has been better due in no small part to you, and to the others who cared enough to comment, whether it was what I "wanted to hear" or not. Thanks

Dearest Pete,

I'm so glad that you are feeling a bit better today. I know how the ebb and flow of emotions can leave us feeling strong one moment, and in total dispair the next. I hope your tidal shifts are slight ones from here on.

It definitely sounds like a lot her problem could be linked to her relationship to her father. It still doesn't excuse HOW she decided to act in relation to this issue in her life...but it may explain why she has pulled away. It's probably hard for people like me (who did not have a tyranical parent) to understand how people can be so controlled and "ruined," in a sense by these parent-child relationships, but I've seen it happen indirectly with some of my friends. One of my friends mother's didn't want her hanging out with me b/c she said I was too "fast" and that I was "poorly parented" b/c at the age of 18 I didn't have a cerfew and was allowed to go where ever I wanted in my car. This, apparently made me an inherently bad person..regardless of the fact that I didn't NEED a cerfew b/c I got straight A's, played varsity soccer, rode my horse almost every day, and socialized heavily with out ever drinking or doing drugs...yet, to this controlling parent, I was bad and my mother was bad b/c I wasn't under the same control that her daughter was. I'm not sure how this story is at all related to your issue here Pete, LOL...I just wanted to try to relate to your young woman through my own life experiences.

Overly "protective" (I hate that term b/c usually they are destroying their child, not protecting them) parents can be a very sour spot in a relationship b/c as much as the child hates their parent, not only do they love them...but many times they are also co-dependent upon them. This can be a very ugly, difficult situation or cycle to deal with..especially as an emotionally emancipated adult. A lot of children raised by these kinds of parents end up being almost "socially retarded" as adults...I've seen it happen with a lot of my friends. This leads to the deer in headlight syndrome which can cause kids to go over board when they finally do get a taste of freedom. First they stop dead in their tracks, frozen and stunned by the light shining at them...then they run, full speed in the WRONG direction. This happened to my college roommate, who....even though she is med school right now, definitely partied and drank too much and made some rather poor decisions when faced with her first taste of "freedom"..meanwhile, I..who had almost total freedom (with in reason) growing up, was the one staying in the dorm at night, doing my home work, reading, and going to the gym...My point being that sometimes people raised like this can have trouble when faced with real life situations, when their age stops being just a number and renders them in need of making adult decisions for themselves.

I'm still not sure what to tell you...but please be assured that this girl knows how much you care about her...the rest, for now...is on her...

Best to you...and I'm glad you are finding some comfort in your new found friends here at Ageless.

~A.

Nice post, chim-chim! ;)

Hi Pete,

Welcome to Ageless Love, although you'd rather not be here because you have problems, I'm sure :)

Something is obviously up with her. I'm not so sure it's the father. I have the sense that it's something bigger. What that something bigger is, of course, anyone's guess.

She could have mental health issues. She could have a personality disorder. She could have a personal secret that she is hiding. But one of two things happened....either she saw something in YOU that scared her and she cut it off or she is protecting some sort of a secret and is putting you in the dark to maintain the status quo.

You've only known her three or four months, it's not a long time. There could be alot you just don't know about her that is impacting what is going on now.

The hard part is accepting what is happening now. I would have a terrific trust issue with her myself. Even if she did come back in a week or two, what about the next time? I just get a sense from how she appears to be that there will be a next time.

Sometimes in life there are no answers. People can or will not give them to you, even if you deserve them. I know, because I've been there. My husband let our 30+ year marriage go down the drain and couldn't tell me why he let it go. You want to talk about hard to accept?

Take it for what it was, a brief interlude, a beautiful snapshot in time and move ahead. Everybody has something to teach us, even if they are in our lives only briefly.

Good luck to you!

Bubbleeee: I know that my experience cannot compare to yours, I'm sorry that had to happen to you. I....... can't even imagine that, and again I'm sorry.

Maybe I was too nice to her, too loving, too caring? She always told me that nobody treated her the way i did. She told me she loved the fact that I was as romantic as she was. My mistake was in getting feedback from her and not listening to myself, that it was getting too intense too soon.

I did not want to burn this out, God I didn't. She encouraged me all the way; everything I did was met and returned to me in kind. That's never happened to me before, ever. Can you wonder why I got hooked and now I'm so crushed?

You all might read this and find me pathetic. I am not. I am a successful professional, good looking, in shape, good dresser, active, good sense of humor. I am not a negative person. One of the things that this woman said attracted her to me was my smile, my "good way with people" and my respect and intelligence.

Might I have been too needy? Maybe. I did tell her a lot that I wanted to have more time with her, but I didn't press it. I took what I could get, with the home issues, work, and all. But I could have worked on that if she'd only talked to me, told me to back off, etc. It's the complete "shut off" that has me so upset. I'm so in the dark that I find myself analyzing everything I did or said to her that last week, looking for some straw of inadequacy that broke the camel's back.

I appreciate your help, all of you. I want to contact her so much, for an answer, for an explanation, even for a "F*** You!" For closure. But I will heed the consensus which is not to do so. I've done so in past relationships and always regretted, exposing my weakness.

Thanks again. You people are really the best.

Hi Pete - it looks like you are getting some great advice here. Hang in there. When I was in my early 20s I did a similar thing with my boyfriend. At the time, we were just dating, and I had other serious issues I was dealing with. The situation was different in that I held back and he pursued, and he was fully aware that I needed and wanted more space. However, our relationship grew and became more intense. Finally, I basically dropped him like a hot potato - wouldn't return calls or get into detailed explanations of what happened. The reason being that I am (getting better now though) very easily influenced by others. So, I knew that I needed to be single and focus on myself but I couldn't resist being with him, especially when I knew that he wanted to be together. I couldn't say no. The only way I could deal with it was to just shut him out completely. You mentioned that she had said she didn't want to be a stress on you, which makes me think that maybe some of the same issues are at play here. She, also, may focus so much on others that she doesn't know how to look after her own feelings and emotions without completely removing herself.

So, like others have said, her behaviour is possibly a result of her age, her low self esteem and overpowering father. I also would guess that maybe she suddenly became scared of how intense her feelings are for you and just needed a step back and away to sort her thoughts out without any influence from you. I know it seems cruel and unfair - and it is, but I know from my experience that she may feel like she has no alternative.

I think everyone has had great advice here, so I don't really have anything else to offer except to say that you sound like a wonderfully kind person and I wish you the best in life and love.

I do want to share this though. This woman has very little self confidence. She is beautiful, yet she said she feels ugly unless I'm around. She is talented, yet she says she feels unambitious and afraid to try. She always feels like an outsider, she said. I would always try to make her feel special. She always said I made her feel good about herself, and that nobody ever treated her that way before. I just have a hard time accepting that she would just wake up one morning and decide not to be around me or talk to me at all, when the interactions were all so positive.

Hi peteheat, sorry to have missed your thread so far until today. I read the responses and I really think you are getting a lot of good feedback from people; positive advice that is appropriate for your situation.

I just wanted to make a comment about your statement that I quoted above.

This young woman seems to share some similar attributes and behaviour to my guy. What I found to be the underlying issues that he was struggling with in the beginning of our relationship was that he felt inadequate for me. He felt like I was too good for him, that he was too inexperienced and had not enough money to treat me the way he thought I should be treated.

Our situation differs in that he hadn't met me yet at this point and we were only discussing becoming involved while chatting online. We met and truly became involved with each other 8 months ago.

Anyhow, he tried to justify his behaviour and reasoning by using our age difference as a scapegoat. He lacked the maturity to realize that his fears had no real foundation and so I had to be patient and allow him to realize that I wasn't going off to date anybody else despite him "setting me free."

This was over a year ago and we're still together now.

My point is, that perhaps this young woman is concocting ideas in her own mind based upon her personal feelings of inadequacy and trying to "set you free" in order to not involve you with the negative aspects of her life right now.

Maybe after she sees that you are patient and not running off in search of your next bedfellow, perhaps then she might come around. I'm not making any promises but I do hope for the best and wish you luck with your situation.

Edited to add: BTW, Similarly to you, it was my boyfriend who had eagerly pursued me and then tried to set me free after he'd touched my heart so much.

Cabin Fever and Charlotte: Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it helps me, truly, to see through the other person's eyes what the situation may be. So I appreciate that you took the time to talk about it.

Things now are status quo, tomorrow's her birthday, which i'll acknowledge with a simple card signed "Love, Pete." No drama or pleading with her. As my friend Amina has said, she already knows that I'm here for her,plus, repeating it just reinforces a notion of despair and weakness which I do not want to perpetuate, that may be what caused some or all of this in the first place.

Actually, last night was good night because I got angry over this. No, i didn't smash or kick anything, and no, I didn't call her or email her with nasty messages. Just internal anger over the way i've been treated. And you know what? It felt good in a bizarre way. Or at least, it felt better than sadness and pain. I actually ate a decent meal and got a passable nights sleep for the first time in a while. It wasn't rage or anything, so don't think I'm a psycho. Just a feeling of being offended and put off by this behavior.

You all are such incredible people. I said a prayer for you this morning, that good things happen to you, and that you and yours are healthy, safe and well.

Pete,

This was a pretty hot thread so I doubt you need anymore advice on the matter. You probably just need to stop thinking about it for a while. I just wanted to add that being 21 myself and dating someone 34 years older than me I might be able to relate to her situation. You mentioned that she probably doesn't care about the age difference, and this may be true. But speaking as a young person also just coming into her own and stil under the influence of parents and school, I can understand that pleasing your parents, doing well in school, and looking like the picture of what one is supposed to or should be doing seems much more important sometimes than being with one you love. We are young and believe that we can always find someone else no matter how great you may be and how much she loves you. The idea of someone else or some other situation that fits into the perceived picture of how things should be is often more attractive. She may feel overwhelmed by this sudden big change in her life, including failing her classes. I guess if I could say it more succintly, the problem may be in fact that she is not measuring up to her and her father's expectations and this expectation is more important than being with you. Is that clear at all?

Adriael: Thanks for your insight. Again, it helps to see an approximation of what the other person may be thinking, so I appreciate it. Yes, your point is clear, and it is a good one. I know that this has a large part in what is going on here, the urge to please the parents, especially while under their roof. And being overwhelmed, yes, that's a part of it, a large part, I'm sure. I'm also sure that any perceived longing or neediness on my part didn't help, though I thought I maintained decent boundaries and respect.

I suppose if I take your explanation :

"We are young and believe that we can always find someone else no matter how great you may be and how much she loves you. The idea of someone else or some other situation that fits into the perceived picture of how things should be is often more attractive"

Then that would explain the sudden shut off from me, but I have to tell you in my heart of hearts I don't think this is what's at work here, or maybe I don't want to believe it.

All valid points though. Thanks.

Hang in there, Pete! Everything happens for a reason... :)

(((hugs)))

Thanks 1love. All of you are making easier to hang in there. It's appreciated!

Hello everyone. I don't want to make this into some kind of online journal, or blog, so I'll probably not post again unless I'm responding to a specific post that one of you makes. For those who've been following this though (and again I thank you from the bottom of my heart) yesterday was her birthday, and I decided to just leave a simple birthday card for her at her workplace, signed "I love you," without any embellishment. Twenty- four hours later, no response, no email, no phone message, nothing. I didn't EXPECT a response, but maybe I HOPED that there would be some residual feeling or at least respect or human decency on her part to at least acknowledge that I had recognized her on an important day.

Contrary to the feelings of some of you, I feel that I'm entitled, and I use that word carefully, to some explanation, some closure. I feel utterly betrayed.

Your advice has been invaluable in helping me through all this. It might seem silly and inane and self indulgent, but you know, just writing all this out helps, and the fact that people actually care enough to share their own experiences and wisdom is a real comfort.

Thank you all so much.

Pete

Awww Pete! I am sorry this didn't work out. It does suck, no two-ways around it, and the worst part might be getting your feelings around the fact that you may well never get the closure you want. Please don't stay away. Come back... vent... be sad... and get stronger... one day, before you know it, you will feel much better!

(((hugs to you)))

Pete ~

I have been following your situation and I'm sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I haven't posted because you've been getting some great input and in many cases, all I have to add is 'ditto'.

Personally, I think that delivering the birthday card was a good idea. It made it clear how you feel about her and it provided a 'clean' opportunity for her to respond. (I hope this makes sense.) I'd like to be hopeful and say that perhaps 24 hours is not long enough and perhaps she will still respond, in one way or another.

I am, however, appalled at this young woman's behavior. Even at that age, I would never have treated a guy that way. Breaking up with you is one thing but this is another. Not everyone is 'up' for an age-gap relationship.

Separately, not everyone has the tools to cope with the AG challenges, and frankly, especially at 21, not everyone has the tools to cope with the challenges of any serious relationship.

Pretending to be ready for a mature relationship is not the same thing as actually being ready.

Pretending, wanting...either way, it's not the same thing as actually being ready.

You've received some great input here about where her behavior might be coming from. I completely agree with Marcy in that:
...often times the advice given on AL is to move on... forget her/him... and it always makes me wonder why we are so anxious to advice others to throw in the towel and move on. Would we not want better from our partners? Afterall, imho, the true measure of a partner is their ability to be *there*, when we aren't able to be *there* ourselves...
This is often the case on AL...and in 'real life'. If you're one of those people who is willing to take on more of the rowing when necessary, I applaud you. However, I suggest that at some point if she is still not responding that you choose to accept her as she is, preserve your lovely memories of your time with her, and move on.

I could be wrong but my initial impression of your situation was that she is young and she did have a huge crush on you. But it either did not turn to love for her or perhaps she's just not ready for a serious relationship with an older man.

Marcy: Thanks for the kind thoughts, and for the invitation to vent. It helps. I realize, as exasperating as it is, that I might never get an answer from her about the"reason." Maybe she doesn't want to hurt me by being truthful, so the thought is "just run away, eventually he'll get the message." Or she may think: "well, I've already told him what's going on, what more is there to tell?", although in my eyes the "explanation" was cryptic at best and doesn't explain the total exclusion and excision of me from her life.

Science Goddess: Thank you for your wisdom. I think that maybe this just got too serious too fast, and no matter how many times I asked her if it was too intense and no matter how many times she answered "no, i love you, this is amazing" the fact is that the "perfect storm" of the school issues (failing a class), the father finding out about her educational problems, her financial concerns, disliking her job, hating living at home, and the continued heating up of our relationship was just too much for her to bear and she broke under the weight. As you say, saying you're ready and actually BEING ready are two completely different things. It's my fault for letting my guard down and not realizing that. I tried, oh how I tried, not to put any pressure on her, precisely because I did not want to scare her away, or appear needy or weak.

As far as it not being love on her part, well, it sure seemed like it. Maybe it was infatuation, or obsession. Maybe just a crush over an idealized version of me, and when she found I was human, the crush just ended. I think it was love though, I mean even in our last 1 minute phone call, she said "I love you but I can't be in love with you right now." She thus drew a distinction between "love" and being in love" which I interpret to mean "being with you and seeing you as a couple in love." No, this woman loved me, I'm sure. Maybe still does though her actions at this point do not give me any reason to think so.

You're right about the card. It's too soon to tell. In retrospect, I think I did the right thing by giving it. One of my friends had very harsh words for me when he heard I made even that small gesture, unprintable words, the kindest of which were "wuss" and "sap." But it was true with what I felt was right and decent, without going overboard.

Thanks so much for your insight, Marcy and Science. I wish you the best.

Pete ~

Your post just makes me want to send you a **big hugg**.

And remember, we have to let our guard down in order to let other people in. Our 'guard' is sort of like a fence, right?

It keeps others out...and it locks us in. At some point we have to open the gate, or continue to live just peeking through the hole in the fence.

I'd rather have the strength and ability to take the fence down.

You're right about the card. It's too soon to tell. In retrospect, I think I did the right thing by giving it. One of my friends had very harsh words for me when he heard I made even that small gesture, unprintable words, the kindest of which were "wuss" and "sap." But it was true with what I felt was right and decent, without going overboard.

I'm sorry to hear of your friend's reaction, Pete. That wasn't supportive or nice.

SG is right about letting your guard down. One of the most beautiful things about living, is to love another human being. What would life be without that experience? In order to do so, we have to let our guard down, that's right. Love is beautiful as a whole... not just the good times, not just the smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses, etc. Even the pain is beautiful, though it doesn't feel good. When you look back on past broken hearts, there are usually wonderful memories all wrapped up in the entire experience and that includes the hurting. The pain helps us to grow as a person, it happens for a reason. :)

Thanks again, Science and 1love. Yes, I know that letting one's guard down is often necessary to receive all that life has to offer. And I was consciously doing so, telling myself to "run with it," a point she often wholeheartedly endorsed. "If it's how you feel, Peter, run with it, I am!!" she would say.

But it seemed so irrational at the time, you know? I turned off my head and let my heart take over, confident that this was love and could "Conquer all." Maybe it still can, but the light is dim now, and the confidence of a few short weeks ago has now turned to doubt. Sometimes i'm asking myself, "Did I dream all of that?"

Thanks again.

I don't have any words of wisdom to add here, Pete. But it does, indeed, stink that you can't get closure on this relationship.

Try not to think too much if you can manage it. I know I've spent hours and days thinking about what's happened to me, and I still don't understand what happened completely, although I'm making better peace with it.

All we can do is take our life one day at a time. Make this day the best you know how and don't look back.

Thanks Bubbleee, I will try. I'm still at the stage of thinking about it non-stop, analyzing and reanalyzing my behavior to see what, if anything, I did to "trigger" this inexplicable behavior on her part, and also trying to see things from her perspective, to look at my actions through her eyes to see what I did that was so awful that she just turned and ran from me without any real explanation. I spent the weekend basically doing this, nothing seems pleasurable to me right now, and it's constantly on my mind. But being back to work today will force me to focus on other things. So thank you. Again, as I said in a previous post, I know that my situation in no way compares to yours, so forgive me, but I do thank you.

OK now a question, for any of you wonderfully wise and compassionate people: Over the weekend, I've been toying with the idea of sending a simple email (the least tense method of communicating at this point) just saying "Can we talk?" It's been two weeks since we've spoken at all, and I feel that this is just a way to test the waters. Also, I'm a fighter. I don't want to just give up. I want to fight for this because I believe in it, still. I will not beg her, nor get belligerent, but it may show more strength to ask to talk than to just give the impression that I'm laying down like a hammer hit me and throwing in the towel. What do you think?

Thanks.

Hi Pete,
Ive been following your thread and I can relate to the heartache you're feeling right now. Its not a fun place to be in, but IMO, I dont think you should contact her at all. You already opened the door with the birthday card. So far she's chosen NOT to walk through it.
I think as difficult as it is, you should leave it alone and work on gaining strength on your own.
((((hugs)))))

Hey Pete!

I agree with my friend Suz, up there ^..... however, sometimes we have to do it "our way" regardless of the outcome. Good luck!

(((hugs)))

Pete ~

It seems that you've invited her to talk more than once, and it seems that she is declining to do so.

I think it's cr*ppy that she's not willing to give you any type of closure on the situation. In fact, it's more than cr*ppy, it's beyond selfish and, in my opinion, cowardly. I won't bore you with the details, but I've been in your shoes - with a relationship ending and having to find closure on my own. It's difficult when you have questions and get can't 'real' answers. "Difficult" is an understatement.

It sounds like it really is more about her and not about you, if you know what I mean. What it came down to for me was just accepting the other person for what they are at this point in time, at this point in their life. (Put that way, it sounds easy, I know, but I also know that it's not easy at all.) I know it's particularly difficult to accept someone as they are when we don't really understand what we're accepting.

While she has hit you with a hammer, you don't have to lay down. Some staggering is, however, understandable. Wounds do heal, as you already know at 40. Think about it, analyze it for a while, and then gather it all up and pack it away (or throw it away, or burn it).

Here's what I would say if you were my bud: I would recommend that you don't contact her merely to request a talk. If/when you choose closure over the fight, if you feel that it would help you find closure, write her a brief note telling her where you are with the situation. I'd describe how you feel/felt about her, your confusion and hurt in response to her sudden change in attitude and her actions, and let her know that you're moving on to closure. You might request that she at least tell you what happened to help you find closure but I wouldn't expect her to comply. EDIT: Allow me to emphasize the word brief, and add the word succinct. She was there during the relationship and she knows what she's doing now. No need to go into detail to explain what she already knows.

While you've been deeply hurt, she is the one who is going to be suffering the consequences of her actions in the long-term. I make this comment not necessarily specific to you and the relationship that you shared with her. What I mean is that she seems to have some things going on - in regard to the way that she communicates (or doesn't) and the way that she pursues relationships - that she needs to take care of or they will continue to affect her future relationships, and her life overall.

For you, you'll need to choose to let the hurt and anger go at some point. We hear our entire lives that staying mad at someone hurts you more than them. I never fully understood this concept until this, my 39th year. I also read something recently to support this concept. It said something to the affect that: Most of the people with whom you're angry don't even know it, and the rest probably don't care. I'm not saying that she falls in to either of these categories but this viewpoint sort of drove home the concept that holding onto anger only hurts us.

Do what you gotta do, and then let it go. Doing so doesn't mean that you can't open the door to her sometime in the future - although I would like to emphasize that I do not recommend holding onto the hope that she'll return to the relationship. You really have to let it go. It means that you are choosing to live in today's reality, including taking care of yourself today.

Sorry for the long post. I guess it was borne out of the fact that I can really relate to your situation.

SG

Thank you, Ravenglow, 1 love and Science Goddess. The thought you're all conveying is not to contact her just to talk, good advice I'm sure, and advice that I'll heed. I have my moments of poor judgment, I guess, so I'm glad I look before I leap.

Science, I'd like to thank you again. No, you're post wasn't too long, on the contrary, I'm grateful that you'd take the time for a total stranger. In some way that I can't explain, hearing you say that this woman's behavior is "cowardly" is comforting. Her logic seems to be: "Let me not upset you, or upset myself, so I'll just run away and shut down from you." It makes me think that I did something or acted in a way that was so terrible that she couldn't look at me or talk to me again. I thought over and over again during the weekend that I was too needy, or put too much pressure on her, but I have to tell you, right up until the end, she wanted as much time as I could give her. The only thing i can think of is that just before she completely shut down (actually while she was "pullling away") I called her and asked if she'd like to go out (it was a Sunday afternoon). She said that she couldn't because her friend's BF had just kicked her out of her apartment, and that she needed to help her move. When i said "Oh, OK," she said "You sound so sad." I responded, "Oh, I'm not sad, just disappointed, I wanted to see you that's all." She then said: "It upsets me to make you upset!" I said, "I'm not upset, can't I just say that I'm disappointed?" She then terminated the call somewhat abruptly. Maybe she made up her mind at that point that I was too needy, just another demand on her time, when she already had so much that had been thrown at her? But this definitely could have been discussed, especially given the nature of our communicating to that point. And I had always been VERY respectful of her time and her schedule, and time with friends and family. Hell, if I called her and she with her friends, I'd always say, "OK, I'll let you go, just wanted to say hi." She'd always talk for a minute or two, not annoyed but glad to hear from me, but no long conversations. She would always say, later, "wow, that's so great that you respect my time with my friends."


I can tell you I've never had a friend, family member, loved one, or romantic interest, committed LTR or not, shut me off like this, much less someone with whom who I was involved in an intense relationship . It may go back to what someone said in an earlier post, poor coping skills. Abominable coping skills in my mind.

So, I will not try to contact her, though at times i will feel that urge, sometimes overwhelmingly. You've all been a Godsend. Appreciate all your input more than you may know.

Thank you trish! I was posting when you posted, not ignoring you. I appreciate the kind thoughts. I wish you the best, too.

Amina, thank you! Don't feel like you "have to" post, please, that's not what this is about, but I appreciate your thoughts. Yes, I know that the contacting her idea was bad, but you all have been the safety net, the voice of reason in an unreasonable, irrational situation.

I don't want to be maudlin, as I said in a previous post, but I hope you all have good and wonderful things that come to you as some type of "return" for your compassion toward me, a total stranger.

Did it again Trish! Thank you, and I agree that it's just unacceptable behavior, not facing up or owning up to what's going on. It may simply be the "best" she can do, at least right now. I appreciate your kind words and I'll try my best not to beat myself up over a sentence, a vocal inflection, or a poorly timed phone call. This "relationship" should have withstood that with ease. Thank you.

I haven't posted in a while, but with over 1300 views, and at the risk of turning this into a journal, I just wanted to say thank you all once again for taking the time to share your individual experiences and wisdom. I come back here occasionally (ok, every day) to re-read your good advice.

There's been no change in the situation. I am alternating between anger, sadness, confusion and all too brief moments of peace.

Those who read my first post in this thread will recall that the woman who was the object of my affection started wooing me by making CDs for me with love songs. The very first song on the very first CD she gave me contains this line:

Love as fragile as a wineglass

I should have listened more closely, and paid attention.

Thank you all. You've helped more than you know. Any other thoughts, scolding, etc. will be most welcome.

Pete

Pete,

Okay...I'll toss my cynical view into the mix.

As I read your first post...working my way through the "she gave me Indian love poems by email"...I kept thinking..."OH man he's in for it now".

My online friend...you are 40 not 20. Frankly you should have seen this coming right at you. The coffee shop 20 year old cutie who likes to drink herbal tea and meditate by eastern mystical music (I'm stereotyping...but you get the idea) is gonna develop a crush on an attractive, professional man who shows her the least bit interest.

But the key here is that it is just that. The clues were all around you. She barely knew you...and frankly...you barely knew her but you are throwing the "love" thing around after a few weeks??? The over the top lovey dovey stuff after such a short time should have set off whirring and wailing alarms bells!

Her line about “If I died right now, I would die happy because I’ve had this day with you.” send waves of terror through me. You could not understand how absolutely wacky this sounds???

Move on and learn. The real stuff is earned over time, both parties make progressively deeper and deeper emotional investments until ultimately love emerges.

What you describe in your initial post sounds like early teen puppy love on steroids (on both of your parts).

I met my wife when she was 19 and I was 42. If she had done some of the things your coffee-shop coed did I would have ran like the wind.

I do feel sympathy for you. Please don't take my post as being cold and unfeeling. You sound like a very successful bright man....now leave this foolish young woman behind you and find yourself a real woman (irrespective of age!)