Thinking About Ending It

I've been seeing my guy since the Super Bowl. We see each other regularly, about every other weekend (we live 200 miles apart.) He's a great guy, probably the nicest guy I've met since I left my husband 2 1/2 years ago. But his life isn't in order. He's gone back to school, doesn't have a job, doesn't know whether he'll get one when he finishes school (he wants to be a fire fighter), and he talks a lot about going somewhere like Iraq or Alaska for a few years to make a lot of money in a short period of time. I don't think he sees me in his future. I've brought it up a few times, in ways that I hope aren't cloying or smothering or anything like that. I simply stated that I often wonder what the future holds for us and that I'm starting to get attached to him. He's very good about expressing his thoughts and feelings to me. He tells me I make him happy. He tells me I'm beautiful. He tells me he misses me. But when I bring up the future he gives me non-answers. For example, last time he said to me, "Well, you (me) are planning to move in four years anyway." If he asked I tell him that I would consider relocating with him if he wanted me to when the time came (not to Iraq of course.) Maybe its too soon. We only met 4 months ago. Maybe I'd be better off with someone who is more settled. I'm thinking about telling him I want to break it off. I just feel as if he's marking time, and I want so much more than that from a relationship.

I know you will all have lots of ideas. What do you think?

Hi deb,
sorry to hear that. first of all, i think you should ask him soon about what his future plans with you and tell him out right that you would reconsider your plan to be with him, if needed. Don't wait for him to ask, because more likely that he will not.
it sounds like that he see this is just a temp. relationship and he's in his journey to find out about himself, like most people do.

In my humble opinion, don't emphasis too much about his job/career if you really like this guy (with an exception that he's not a forever bump), because if you two are really happy together and for soulmate, job/career/moneytary will fall in place itself.

I understand on how u feel. However, you have to find out what's the future for you and him. it's a hard thing to do but i think u should to have an idea of it. Because the longer it goes without knowing, it hurts more in the end.
i hope this help u in someway.
best,

IMHO, I think you should hold off on asking for any type of commitment or plan! At four months you are really still just getting to know each other.
Ali

IMHO, I think you should hold off on asking for any type of commitment or plan! At four months you are really still just getting to know each other.
Ali

I agree 100%. Four months is not enough time to even think about more than the immediate future.

I ditto that, 4 months is still honeymoom stage, for soulmate purposes he hasn't earn his way in yet...and lets' face it, they are younger and he may be marking time as you put it, especially if he's still in school and doesn't have a game plan and then again, maybe he just doesn't really know himself.

Let him find that plan. Today, June 14, 2005, all that his game plan is IS to be with you and go to school...let it be, he'll find his own path, all you can do is hope you're in it...Its what we did when we were his age.

Paris

Thanks everyone. I guess the thing I'm afraid of is that I won't be in his plan in the end and that I will end up hurt. He's been gone since Friday. Returned today and I haven't even talked to him. I'm reading something into that. I'm not a priority.

Ummm, Deb....I agree that 4 months is too soon yet. Oh, and how old is your ym again?

We only met 4 months ago. Maybe I'd be better off with someone who is more settled. I'm thinking about telling him I want to break it off. I just feel as if he's marking time, and I want so much more than that from a relationship.

I know you will all have lots of ideas. What do you think?

Some people are by nature more spontaneous and don't make plans.

Are you two exclusive already?

I read it is a good idea to date someone for 2 years before you decide to get serious.

deb100855 ,

I feel that its best to establish the kind of relationship you want with each other as soon as possible. It may change as the relationship progresses, but honesty in this area will prevent possible exploitation of either partner, or grudges held due to unmet expectations.

I think this is important because you can't assume that a guy is into you just because he's sexually involved nowadays. And the nature of your relationship will determine so many things....how much attention you take with birth control and protection from STD's, how you deal with finances as a couple, your living arrangements, how much effort you're willing to put into trying to integrate him with your friends & family....the list goes on. Its only fair that you know whats going on in his head so that you can make good decisions for yourself. I mean, if you knew for sure he only wanted a fling with you and was marking time, you would make many different decisions than if you knew he aspired to marriage, right?

I think this is important because you can't assume that a guy is into you just because he's sexually involved nowadays. And the nature of your relationship will determine so many things....how much attention you take with birth control and protection from STD's, how you deal with finances as a couple, your living arrangements, how much effort you're willing to put into trying to integrate him with your friends & family....the list goes on. Its only fair that you know whats going on in his head so that you can make good decisions for yourself. I mean, if you knew for sure he only wanted a fling with you and was marking time, you would make many different decisions than if you knew he aspired to marriage, right?

Yes, thank you. This is it exactly. What I've been trying to put my finger on. I'm not seeking an iron clad committment. I only need to know the latter. Am I simply a fun way to pass time until he moves on the real business of his life? If that's the case, if he's already decided I'm not going to be a part of his future, then that's what I need to know.

I ditto that, 4 months is still honeymoom stage, for soulmate purposes he hasn't earn his way in yet...and lets' face it, they are younger and he may be marking time as you put it, especially if he's still in school and doesn't have a game plan and then again, maybe he just doesn't really know himself.

Let him find that plan. Today, June 14, 2005, all that his game plan is IS to be with you and go to school...let it be, he'll find his own path, all you can do is hope you're in it...Its what we did when we were his age.

Paris

This is beautiful advice, Paris! :)

I agree 100%. Four months is not enough time to even think about more than the immediate future.
I disagree.

If you know what you want - and that is a long term relationship - you should decide ASAP if you are on the same page. Why drag something out that you know isn't going to last and make the split that much more painful?

Why should i waste a year with a guy who has no intention of staying with me and possibly miss out on the guy that would?

deb100855 ,

I feel that its best to establish the kind of relationship you want with each other as soon as possible. It may change as the relationship progresses, but honesty in this area will prevent possible exploitation of either partner, or grudges held due to unmet expectations.

I think this is important because you can't assume that a guy is into you just because he's sexually involved nowadays. And the nature of your relationship will determine so many things....how much attention you take with birth control and protection from STD's, how you deal with finances as a couple, your living arrangements, how much effort you're willing to put into trying to integrate him with your friends & family....the list goes on. Its only fair that you know whats going on in his head so that you can make good decisions for yourself. I mean, if you knew for sure he only wanted a fling with you and was marking time, you would make many different decisions than if you knew he aspired to marriage, right?
I agree completely!!

Yes, thank you. This is it exactly. What I've been trying to put my finger on. I'm not seeking an iron clad committment. I only need to know the latter. Am I simply a fun way to pass time until he moves on the real business of his life? If that's the case, if he's already decided I'm not going to be a part of his future, then that's what I need to know.


You said you already getting attached and he doesnt seems to be ready to make a commitment yet. And if that is the case, you will only be hurt in the end.
Yes, things can change but to me it seems you both are not looking for the same kind of relationship right now.
Many said its too early. I dont think time has nothing to do with it.
Its something you feel.
I suggest you ask him directly. What he REALLY wants out of this relationship?
I know its scary but its better than wondering.
Than you can make the decision.
Good luck!
Faith

well not to be confused but i agree with both kristin and paris.... 4 months is not a long time at all, it takes TIME to really get to know a person. But, i also agree with Kristin that is important to know what you want out of life and settling or waiting when the writing MAY be on the wall that he wants different things out of life is also unsettling.

he is trying to figure out what to do with his life, taking on a partner seems secondary to his first goal of making some type of decision regarding his future in the career aspect.

guys think like that.... i mean mine does, he thinks about the future and his civilian life outside of the military and his work life to be.

i married a younger man and he was already set to go into the military.... i knew he had to find his own path and he has, i also knew that i never wanted to stand in his way and when i made that perfectly clear he told me that he loved me... i still told him that he owed it to himself to never have regrets and it was he who told me if i did not take a chance on him i may regret it for the rest of my life....

i still think he is a little stinker for that last comment he said to me, at was at that moment he iron-clad the deal for me, i knew he was right and i could not live with the doubt i had given up on the best love i would ever know. its been hard going thru all the ups and downs of him being gone but i would still and to this day not change my decision, it was the best thing i could have ever done to give him all his freedom and choose to stand by his side. we will be married one year on Sunday. please note however, i really did not "GIVE" him his freedom, i accepted the fact that i would be living a military lifestyle. (deployment)

plain and simple if he loves you and you him, you will be able to get thru anything, by now he should be telling you his feelings.... you both need to talk and talk and then talk some more. my husband is a great communicator and i hated it at first... now i know its how we get the bugs out of the rug... anyway best of luck.. kitty

I understand that you're wanting to know where his head is in regards to his relationship with you. You're saying that you want to know if you are something for him to do while he works out his career decisions, or if he sees you a something permanent in his life. I dont see anything wrong with this.

Within a few months of dating my y/m I let him know that I had strong feelings for him, but if he didnt plan on seeking a long-term relationship that I wasnt looking to just date only him. He understood that I wanted long-term and would be seeking to date those that wanted a similar situation. He said that he understood and he laid out all of his concerns regarding his career, etc. He also decided that he wanted a long-tern relationship and that we would work on the career aspects together.

For me it was best that he understood my feelings as I didnt want to feel as though I was being strung along while he decided where his career was going. Reently, he turned down a job promotion because he would have had to relocate, we talked about it and decided that at this time for me relocating was not good.(last kid at home still in school) But I did let him know that I would try a long-distance relationship if it meant us staying together. He made the decision not to take the job, but he did know that I would be there if he did.

I realize with my y/m entering his career peak there may come a time when I will have to relocate or make sacrafices for us to continue our relationship, but at least I know that I'm doing this and we're both in it for the long run.

No relationships are guaranteed, but I'm the type that will put my all into it if I know that we're both on the same page.

just my 02 cents :)

Hey Deb. It sounds like you've put a lot of your heart and soul into this. I also believe that we should listen to our intuition. I think it is good that you are starting to question his intentions and not allow him to take advantage if that is the case. You could always back off a little and not be available and make working on yourself your priority. If you make up your mind that you are going to move on and get into your interests you'll start to feel like yourself again. Take your power back; don't allow him to take advantage. If you feel it's right to walk away you'll be opening yourself to something new! Take care.

Sad to say, but what someone DOESN'T SAY speaks volumes. If he hasn't said "I love you" yet then I would keep my heart protected at this point. At 4 months, it is too early to make plans or commitments... but not too early for a guy to be "head over heals" in love with you.

Sometimes a guys grows in love without realizing how much the lady means to him, and with time comes around. It is up to you how you want to handle it and whether you want to take that chance or not.

For me it was best that he understood my feelings as I didnt want to feel as though I was being strung along while he decided where his career was going. Reently, he turned down a job promotion because he would have had to relocate, we talked about it and decided that at this time for me relocating was not good.(last kid at home still in school) But I did let him know that I would try a long-distance relationship if it meant us staying together. He made the decision not to take the job, but he did know that I would be there if he did.

I realize with my y/m entering his career peak there may come a time when I will have to relocate or make sacrafices for us to continue our relationship, but at least I know that I'm doing this and we're both in it for the long run.

No relationships are guaranteed, but I'm the type that will put my all into it if I know that we're both on the same page.

just my 02 cents :)


i agree with miss b approach and intentions.
it take two for a relationship to work and if you both are intended to make it work, no matter what, then it will work it out for you.
For men, making a career is important and it's depend on each individual's reason(s). If you're the one he settle down with, and with your support behind him, he would work it out his plans with out sacrafice his career goals, to be with you. I would.

Everyone has offerd good advice, as expected :) I really just need to speak with him about this. I am feeling like I might need to either move on or back off or something because I am getting too attached. I had to leave town before my ex-husband realized he loved me. Seems to be a pattern here - which isn't uncommon. There's lots of research out there that shows people tend to be attracted to the same kinds of people over and over again . . . guess I'm just one of the crowd!

There's lots of research out there that shows people tend to be attracted to the same kinds of people over and over again . . . guess I'm just one of the crowd!


yes, it seems to be that way and i think it's because of the familiarity factor.
some people have had bad relationships with their past partners; treat them with disrespect, dishonesty, abusive...etc. and yet, some how their next man is resemblance to their previous partner...

However, when they have the opportunity to meet the new person who are totally opposite to their previous partners, they don't know how to appreciate it.
it's interesting subject.

hope things goes well for you.

yes, it seems to be that way and i think it's because of the familiarity factor.


just wanted clarify on this line. I meant to refer it to the research that has been done.

However, when they have the opportunity to meet the new person who are totally opposite to their previous partners, they don't know how to appreciate it.
it's interesting subject.

hope things goes well for you.

Yes, this is exactly what I was referring to. I've seen it in myself. One of my co-workers/friends and I discuss this almost daily. For all practical purposes she and I date our ex-husbands over and over again, only I'm dating younger versions of my ex.:p

Thank you for your sentiment.

Deb I can totally understand your position here as I am also in a very similar situation that also has me wondering whether to try and push forward or just retreat now and cut my losses.

You are very fortunate in that YOUR ym is open with you about his feelings and what exactly he thinks you bring to his life. The young man I am seeing is closed down emotionally due to being badly hurt in the past, and so his feelings are never out on the table for examination.

It's clear from your posting that you are hoping for more from this relationship than your ym is prepared to deliver at this time. It sounds like he is in a state of transition and is more focused on his possible future than his current relationship with you.

It seems like your only option is to proceed carefully here, and sacrifice a bit to give him what he needs and wants from your relationship OR you can put your needs first and decide to move on. But you MUST be sure that you are "okay" with putting your own needs and wants on the back burner in order to be with him. This may not be the right choice for everyone, but if you want him to remain in your life, it may be the only option.

I dunno. I honestly do think time is a pretty big factor. With us, and he was barely twenty at the time, we progressed to "I Love You's" in three months, to living together for a few years (ostensibly until he graduated) 10 months after we met, and didn't get to long-term committment (i.e. my moving cross-country with him for some graduate work) until almost three years in. It wasn't a question that we loved each other, but it was and always remains a question whether or not a particular action is something we both can and want to do. We don't take each other for granted and I like that. For me, I'm not "wasting time" if it turns out that we get to a point past which we can't continue. I'm not in a race for a ring. It's just about sharing our lives for as long as we both want to do that. And it may not be forever as he has some more academic shuffling to do after this PhD and I don't know that I'm up for more moves, especially if it's a tiny college town, or back East - which is not necessarily where I want to be. We'll see when we get there in a few years. At four months, it's really about how you feel about each other. Concentrate on that and deal with the logistics when you arrive at them. In a few years, constellations can shift, plans can change, and anything is possible :>

I think things are going to be OK for now. I had a conversation with my guy last night. He said when it comes to our relationship he just tries to enjoy the times we are together. I can live with that. What I couldn't have lived with is a predetermined plan that this would be over at a given point in time, e.g. when he finishes school. He assures me that isn't the case. So, the door isn't shut. The odds are against us, I know, but there's always a chance that we might just beat them. As long as there's even a slight chance this might work out between us I'm willing to give it more time. I just needed to know there was a chance.

Thanks everyone for hearing me out :)