professor- age gap and academic wall

Hi there,

Okay, this goes beyond the age gap issue so I hope this is okay to post here. Surprise, I am in my early twenties, a very dedicated student, and I take school very seriously. HE is probably between 40 and 50, is currently my professor. He will remain so until I graduate (2 years to go, at best). There is no changing that unless I drop out or change majors (no way) and because I believe that he is the best in the department I would not want that to change, for anything. This is what makes it more tedious for me than other experiences I have read about so far.

It dawned on me a while ago that I was in love with him. Not merely an infatuation or a crush. Yes, love. I do not have an electra complex, or a 'thing' for guys in positions of authority over me, or even older men in general (well, I do because of the maturity and communication issues at least, but have never pursued older men specifically). And there aren't any academic motivations, I am doing very well on my own, so I do not need to worry about wanting favoritism.

Since I ended my last long term relationship (doomed before I met this professor, I saw the ending long before I met him) I have tried to open up to other guys to see other possibilities and... no change! This professor is just the kind of man I have dreamed of all my life, so far. I know he is not perfect, and that I do not know him as well as I would like. But actions speak louder than anything about character. He is right up my alley, if he was not my professor, and the age gap does give me doubts as well.

He is wise, has integrity, is empathic, uncannily perceptive, very passionate about teaching and is dedicated to his students. In class discussions, we tend to think along the same wavelength; sometimes what he says spooks me because I was thinking or at least attempting to verbalize something very similar. He is very respectful towards me (as he is to all his students), and beyond that it is hard to go into deatail because I am in love with him and that will cause me to single out any little behavior or gesture, conversation, phrasing, pauses, ect. Becuase it is my dream that he regards me as specially as I do him, and I will exagerate anything in anyway which might support that desire. And no, he has not come on to me or any other students. It is clear that he cares about all of us, as a professor, as a professional.

But the last thing I want is to threaten his position as a professor at my university, or even his career as a professor. So ever since I realized my feelings towards him, I have pulled away, fearing that he might sense how I feel and become uncomfortable (as much as I wish for the opposite, what else could I expect from him?)

As his student this is causing problems for me. I have always been reserved, and he has encouraged me to open up and talk to him more. I have done the opposite because of how I feel, and it is getting in the way of learning from him. I need to be able to discuss my work one on one without the butterflies, or the fear of giving myself away, without subconsciously nit-picking how he speaks and acts around me to gauge how he feels on a more personal level. The guilt is also heavy, because I have tried to get over my feelings for him, and cannot. The more I hear from him in our conversations, in class, or during outside activities with the student group, whether directed at us all or just towards me, the deeper I love him for who I am learning that he is (along with what I learn from him and glean from discussions that are purely academic despite my forbidden feelings, it hasn't gotten that bad yet!).

The dilemma is that because I do love him, I feel like I need to stop, not just because of his position as a professor but also because he wants his students to get all they can out of him and then move on to other things after they graduate. Which, of course, does not involve falling in love with him, so my feelings would go against his grain because he cares about teaching and about us growing beyond him.

How does one stop loving? It would be fine if I just loved him like I would a trusted friend or relative or as a really great professor that I feel lucky to have as a mentor- but that is not the case any longer.

What I need to do are one of two things so far as I can see- get over it so I can learn from him better (which would be good for him as a professor too) or to confess my feelings. Option one is not going well, it is going the opposite way.

Option two, no matter how he reacts (I imagine the best case scenario would be that he could laugh about it and take it as a compliment, anything more I cannot expect) would at least aleviate me from feeling the need to hide. Then it would be out in the open, I would be humbled, but could move on in theory. But I fear that this would freak him out so badly that I might need to leave the department (he's not that kind of guy really, but at worst I could easily imagine that I would freak him out enough to effect his comfort in teaching me. I have to wonder that my problems as his student now could be reversed causing him to hold back in teaching me due to discomfort, or even feeling threatened? He is a professional, but we are all human, and I know how awkward it can become to have to be around someone who has expressed feelings that were unwelcomed).

I try not to let myself go too far, but through my actions he knows that I at least care about him very much, as a student. I don't want to freak him out by telling him that I have strong, inappropriate feelings for him. And yet I cannot help feeling, a strong gut feeling, that we are attuned to each other on a deeper level than that of a student and teacher, or even as possible friends (like I said, I am pulling away). I am not sure how to verbalize it, it is just there. Or at least I think it is, and can only rationalize against it so far, and not enough!

I make it sound like I know what I need to do, what my options are, but if I really did I would not be here. I need advice on how to get over this, or what signals to look for which might tell me that he would not be completely repulsed by my feelings so I can gather up the courage to confess and hope he can laugh or take it without freaking out (to the older men- love is ageless, I agree, but how would you feel if a woman 20-30 years your junior who you were not interested in told you she loved you? I keep on picturing this snippet from a movie trailor I saw where an 8 year old girl stared up at Van Deisel and said "you're hot!").

Hmm, why not, and signals which might tell me if he has any special regard, because if he does he is not in the position where he should allow himself to express his feelings, if he felt anything at all. Oh, how wonderful that would be, I would not initiate anything, but imagine that I could open up more comfortably and, if it went well, beg him to try and hang on for a couple of years for an attractive, passionate... uhh, man, that would be a selfish request! Yes, there is no hope, I know it! Reality check-- ask him to wait for that attractive and passionate and intelligent young woman to move away for grad school while an entire ocean of more mature, beautiful, intelligent single women must be beating down the door for this smokin' hunk of... whatever! Intellect, vitality with age, wisdom, humor and empathy, how can he even be single? I know he is not married, and if despite these hoardes of women I imagine are chasing after him, it may be because he is very unconventional and private and busy with other things (more similarities, part of my problem is also that I spend a lot of time on my work, even though I am a student, and not much on mingling and meeting new people for the sake of it, which bores me). The truth is, I would be happy (yes, broken hearted too, no getting around that at this point) to learn that he is in an intimate relationship that brings him joy. So far, no dice. Somedays I wish he would hurry up and announce that he is happily in love with someone, or see him leave a student meeting early saying, "gotta go, hot date tonight!". I even had a dream that he was talking about his love for a woman, I woke up feeling very sad but somehow relieved, "now I can move on!" Then I realized it was just a dream, and had to wonder if that would even change my feelings anyway. But he is my professor and will be for a few more years, that is the bottom line. Even though I take my education very seriously, I cannot get over this.

It must be obvious that I am really frustrated here, so I apologize about this long post and really appreciate it even if you skimmed. I am open to any comments and advice, and even just some support in not throwing myself at him like an idiot, especially not in front of students and faculty. I would never behave like that, but I keep on thinking of Edgar Allen Poe and the Telltale Heart! Knowing me, for now I'm just going to keep on muddling through with my head bowed as I have been, twitterpated and grateful to be his student.

One last question that I have been pondering. In a relationship where there is an age gap of at least twenty years, I would imagine my comparable lack of life experience and accumulated knowledge to be frustrating to an older man. From what I am finding, that is not such a big deal, or not even an issue. Is there anything besides love that balances that out? I hate to ask it like that, because I am a romantic and believe in love before anything. I can imagine those long conversations that I love getting into, then something is brought up, my eyes glaze over and I have to swallow my pride and say, "Dude, I was eating playdo when that happened!" Then it's not an equal conversation anymore, but a teaching session (which I don't mind at all, I enjoy that immensely, but what about the other side).

Thanks again!

This is too funny, I just found a thread titled "Smitten with the professor." *sigh* Thats me. Man, if only I saw an end to being his student sooner, even though he is an excellant professor... I feel dirty with these feelings. But I am glad to see this being positive in some cases, hope things are still looking up for them.

I feel a little better getting that out. I know there isn't any help for me, he is my professor, that is that, the end. Love really can be like a two edged sword sometimes.

I can post here because I did also fall in love with my Professor and now I am dating him for more than a year. You seem to want to feel ashamed of how you feel or not want to feel that way anymore. However, I think you should just be brave and tell him how you feel. This is the only way that you can move on from this feeling. You never know what will happen, but at least you will have expressed yourself. You are lingering in a world of non-decision and awkwardness. Make a decision and stick with that. Be decisive because otherwise you will never progress into anything different or better. Maybe he loves you too, or at leat wouldn't mind pursuing something with you. However, keep in mind that this kind of relationship is very risky. He could get fired and dealing with an age gap can be very difficult for you and/or your family. If you have any questions I would feel free to answer them. Your post reminded me a lot of how I felt about my BF before we got together. But I assure you that we never had any problems with our age gap between us only others around us who had opinions/judgements about it. That aspect was the hardest to deal with for me. As for your last question: Surely it doesn't really matter that he knows things you don't know yet. You can become equally informed and though he will probably teach you many things you will teach him just as much on other ways I am sure. Also, becoming romantically invloved with this man may be somewhat disillusioning since you do not know him on the intimate level you probably think you do. You should be prepared for that. I see a big learning experience in the future to come out of this whatever the outcome may be.

Wow, Smitten.

First, let me commend you on your writing skills. I noticed it, and it made me smile because it reminds me of my boyfriend. I'm a writer at heart, and even though I don't necessarily consider it my career goal, he sees the potential there. And he keeps encouraging me to try for it. So I'm thinking.. why not give it a shot? Back to the point though, your words were very imaginative, and I could feel the complexity of your emotions. It made it so much easier to understand. :)

In my honest opinion, I think you've done a good job at stepping back and attempting to examine the situation (which, when love is involved, is hard!) I think you have an honest point when you mention that perhaps this professor might be flattered, but also a little wary and concerned about such strong affection from such a younger girl... a student no less. From the start, I don't think professor-student relationships are particularly healthy while you're still in his classroom. For one, should anyone find out, his job and possibly your enrollment are at risk. Now, for just a moment, assume that he is just as into you as you are to him. Would either of you be willing to take that risk and potentially make such an enormous sacrifice? Ultimately, in this situation I think that would be one of the biggest questions requiring thought.

Meanwhile though, I do have one question: have you considered trying to be his friend? It's certainly not against rules to be on friendly terms with professors, and I think it's a step you might wish to initiate. For one, I truly believe that friendship is the basis for any good relationship. My boyfriend (who, by the way, is 47 years versus my 21) is easily one of my best friends, and I think that's part of what has helped us through are rough patches the most. I know I can always count on his friendship first and foremost, and I appreciate that dearly. As far as your professor, perhaps something will be given the fuel it needs to grow. Or, perhaps you'll see him in a new light. Even academically, by creating a friend, it certainly wouldn't hurt your grades! In all the classes I've been in that I've had a friend-like relationship with my professors, I found that I try a little harder and also feel far less intimidated to go in and ask questions. In other words, my GPA for those classes makes up for the other ones in which I get lazy.

Good luck! Please keep us updated on your situation, whatever direction you choose to take.

Katie

Thanks for replying ktvie and adieal,

I am always glad to hear that this works out for other people, even though every situation and couple is different. These can work out, but I have yet to talk to another who fell in love with a professor they were destined to work with for years. This makes it tedious.

I think we could be friends, I am very concerned that he'll find me out (he is very perceptive) and that in becoming his friend I would have alterior motives even though I genuinely care about him.

I am not willing to risk his job for anything- he is good at it, for one, and enjoys it. The conundrum is that because of his profession and position as my professor for the long term part of loving him will be leaving him alone and not threatening what he does, even in theory. I know what love is. I even read the sticky, I agree that it is a choice. Part of that is also choosing what is best for him, and for me. I know what is best for him (keeping my mouth shut about it and not batting my lashes at him!), but as for me, I am going nuts!

But friendship is possible, we seem to understand each other about a lot of things that tend to baffle other people about us; and he cares about me at least as a student, and I care about him, so there is a foundation for friendship. Talking to him is always like a breath of fresh air, maybe he feels the same way. I am also concerned that by becoming more than just a student, as in a friend, I will not be able to let my feelings for him go. The more I learn about him, the deeper I go. Since more seems impossible, I also feel like I need to protect myself. I want to see him happy with someone if that is what he wants, but as I reel myself in further I am setting myself up for heartbreak. If we have a shot, it is after I graduate in who knows how many years.

I am not a romantic kamakaze! And like I said, hoardes of great women must be stalking him night and day, because if they are not hell has frozen over, and by the time I graduade he will be madly in love with someone if not already. I am very young and, as I see it, can wait for love, intimacy, and romance, especially since my priority in life right now is school (and with a 4.0 I don't know how to make my grades better, its gotten to the point where they don't tell me much, just as long as the quality of my work keeps getting better, which I need professional feedback on- talking to him without tripping!) He is at least twice my age. My father is in his mid fifties and is moving in with his girlfriend to see how it works out between them at that level, he said that at his age, "What am I waiting for?" At my age, with school, I could set myself up to wait. But if I was in my fourties or fifties, how would I feel if I was still single and wanted a partner to share my life with? Even two more years might seem like an eternity.

As far as my family goes, I told my dad about this a while back hoping to get some discouraging advice, especially since they might be close in age. He laughed and said, "Hey, it happens, he probably thinks about you all the time." Not helpful. Then I told my mom, hoping she would do better. She said, "He sounds wonderful, just don't let it get in the way of seeing possibilities with other guys." That was also not quite what I was hoping for. I also told my sister, "I always saw you with a professor-type, go for it." But she's younger than me so I don't have to listen ;) And my best friend was even less helpful, "An old trick, sweetie, is to offer to clean his house, or ask if he needs his garden weeded." I don't think she gets it either!

Maybe I could tone it down and tell him I have a "crush" and see if that doesn't kill him. Still on the fence, I agree that I need to make a decision and stick with it. All I know for certain is that if my feelings are true, I will not put him at risk by them. I'm supposed to meet with him, academically, before school starts again. But even friendship would be great, if I can handle it. Still thinking, thanks for the advice. It helps to talk it out. Sorry this got so long again (and thanks for the compliment, I love to write, short and succint is an art I have yet to get a grip on)!

oh, and ktvie, yes, give it a shot. Lots of people write, professionally and unprofessionally, as part of their profession, and even freelancing for what ever catches their fancy. Writing is the good friend of any pursuit, even if it is just to journal about something! If you are even interested in freelance writing, send out query letters to publications to get an idea of what they want. Especially online, the opportunities are out there. (there, that was almost succint!)

I didn't read your whole post. However, I think I have a feel for the content and see he is single.


When I was in my early 20s, I had an interest in a professor who was in his 50s.

This is my advice that I think holds true:
It is very difficult to date a professor who has a position of authority over you. He can get into hot water with his department as well as the university. Because of this, he could suffer professional backlash over it. It depends on the school policy. Another thing that makes it difficult is the fact that you are a student and it puts both of you and other students in an unfair and biased position when it comes to class and mentoring issues. The worse thing that can happne is that things may cause you major grief if things sour and you still have to be around each other.

My suggestion until you get near graduating:
Remain good friends with him. Have an intellectual relationship with him. Talk about your interests, your values, family, and views. Basically, have an intellectual intimacy. Thus will let you know if you really like him, if you have anything in common, if he is what you think he is. It will also be a good measure as to what a future with him would be like. Attraction has waves. Feeling hot and heavy in the early stages of love has different levels as compared to years down the road. It is the day to day of the years down the road that makes a relationship last. So, it is best to know that you have more in common than surface attraction. An intleectual relationship can be amazing.

What do to about your attraction:
If you still have an attraction for him at the end of your senior year, let him kniow you are interested. This can be as subtle as asking him to meet you for coffee or dinner. It can be as obvious as letting him know you are attracted to him and that it is getting difficult for you to be friends with him only. You would like to persue dating.

The results of going this route weeds out your making a mistake due to hormones and a crush. It also keeps you from being taken advantage of if he moves in on your weak moment and his intentions become less than honorable. (Yes, even if you make the moves, it can be just sex for him.) It also protects the enjoyment of college which should be a great time in your life and not one bad stress and bad memories.

What I did wrong:
I folllowed all of my own advice in my early 20s. EXCEPT-The only thing I regret is not revealing my feelings at the time of graduation. I was too chicken. he gave me signals that I will always wonder about and question. I waas wise to be cautious and appropriate. However, it was unfair to me to have never let the cat out of the bag.

Smitten, you ripped my heart out and opened it up for all to see.


I feel *exactly* the same way.

It's so incredible that there are two of us here at this board who are in a similar boat. Well, three (adriael), but adriael is further on the time lane than the two of us. :)

thanks catherineofa, sorry to hear that you have regrets, but perhaps it was for the best regardless. I agree with all you have said, and try to keep it 'cool' (ehem, too cool) for now. I appreciate everyone's advice- even though I am not in a relationship with him, and will not be, this is really helpful.

I met with him in his office early this morning to talk about next semester and my progress. I noticed just how much I overcompensate for how I feel and act closed up, insecure, and cold. These discussions go better with other professors because I am relaxed, we enjoy talking openly and update each other on how life is going, ect.

Not in this case. I am not as mature as I would like to think. Now it is like I have never had feelings for another person or been in relationships before and cannot even be friendly! This is appauling. I am not rude at least. My behavior is because I do not want to threaten him and try tohide my feelings... but I have never behaved this way to a person I cared about before. I doubt he expected to teach me that I am a normal young woman, and a very immature one at that! LOL, maybe I should pay more tuition for the bonus!

I am so disapointed in myself that I can't even think or feel beyond it at present. This is a good thing.

He behaves similar towards me. He he turns away in midsentence and back, meets my eyes then looks away again- nervous body language. He has picked up on my own discomfort and is returning it in kind, I do that too when someone is uncomfortable talking to me! You get what you give, and the reality is how we act, not what we hide. It is true; sometimes we develop feelings for people NOT to be in a relationship with them, but to be exposed to something we need to face in ourselves. Which is exactly what this is. I just need to figure out how... beyond discovering the awkwardness of having feelings for a professor.

Romantic, I appreciate your own thread and how you have handled your situation with a cooler head, and how you seem to be genuine in your actions without getting him into trouble. I wish you both the best and look forward to reading about how it goes, having a class with him again will put things on hold and that will be difficult. You and I are different people (and you are obviously more emotionally mature than I am!), I can only look up to you and others who have been in this situation, and take my own as cause for some hard self-examination.

I stick with the bottom line- he is my professor- but must get over my cold and nervous behavior for my own sake and his, as his student only. I will meet with him again before the semester starts, hopefully I will be able to at least smile and show that I am glad to see him, and he will not have to feel nervous. His job is hard enough, and he has been working with us consistently over the summer- lets have applause for this guy! I am still reading through the replies and taking the advice to heart. Thanks to all for your support!

Whew man!! I can feel the pent-up sexual frustration in that writing!! I'm visualizing Smitten in her little school girl uniform and the nervous professor trying to hold back with all his might but the tension is too much!! KABOOM!! Here it comes!! Please keep us posted!! The suspense is terrible...I hope it'll last!! :eek: :p

Smitten,
I think that feeling nervous and uncomfortable can be somewhat of a natural reaction. When I was around my professor, I would almost shake. I even felt light headed and would get butterflies in my stomach.

A lot of my reaction was due to the fact that I really liked him, he was single, and he was a "real man". He was not the young college guys who were my peers and there was the slightest of possibilities that something could happen because I was now a young woman.

Start thinking of this man as a person and try to place the romantic aspect to the back of your mind. If you think of him as a human with a mortgage and someone who gets the flu, it will help. Imagine him with dirty dishes in his sink, shopping for groceries, and going to the dentist. Also try to imagine him in less than perfect situations. Examples- He cannot work on his transmission. He doesn't know how to pay bills online. He has arthritis in his wrist. The more you see him as a man with faults and needs and weaknesses, you will begin to see him in a less clouded view. This will help you in your comfort level.

I also have a suggestion for helping in getting to know him better. Try not to have long conversations with him every time you see him. (I made this mistake some.) Space out your longer contacts. This makes him enjoy seeing you and the content gives him more to think about for the next conversation. Talk to him about things that are not academically related. Especially those that make you sound emotionally mature. Talk about your responsibilities, your views, and your experiences. This can be as simple as knowing what an interest rate is for car loans to escrow accounts for mortgages. It can involve your hobbies and entertainment preferences. You can be young and innocent without ignorance. I was an innocent with no worldy views on sex or some of life. However, I was well rounded enough at 22 to keep a 54 year old man talking to me for an hour at a time on campus in a school research library. This was amazing considering the setting and the fact that I had no classes with him anymore. Many men who want more than sex have to have something that makes you relationship material. Especially those who are liking you for you.

One thing you can eventually do after you gain your comfort with him and are close to graduating is to drop some hints. Make comments like, "I can't believe a man like you isn't married." You can also make some light referencing to older men you like. "I think Michael Douglas is so handsome. That Catherine Zeta-Jones seems to have quite the catch."

As I said before, I am all for getting to know older men throught the mind first. It is an eye opener for both of you. It also allows you to cool down and not get involved in a sexual situation that will upset you later. It also allows you to enjoy school and not get into any uncomfortable regrets should things not go well. In the end near graduation, you will know if you want to spill the beans or if you have a nice friend and great memory of a good friend from college.

Awwww Smitten, you are awfully kind and I truly appreciate the compliments, but trust me, I am nowhere close to being as emotionally mature as I would like. On the other hand, you seem to be pretty darn emotionally mature to me, because for one, you have a very good grasp on the whole situation, as well as your emotions.

I can even relate a bit to the whole being "cold" in person; I'd moreso describe it as "distant". But, I guess these two are pretty similar. I find myself, like you, pulling back a bit when I am around him in person. I don't want to jeopardize his career and I also don't want to make him uncomfortable. But, as you said (I think you said it somewhere?), the opposite effect is achieved. Trust me though, with time, this "distance" (the nervousness too) in person will start to decrease. It has for me, and I'm sure it will for you as well :)

Again, thank you for the kind words. And, I am also looking forward to seeing how things will unfold for you. You seem like a really great person, so I hope they unfold in the best possible way, whatever that may be. If I only knew.

Wow! I certainly do feel for you Smitten. Believe me I know first hand how agonizing this situation is. Catherineofa and TheRomantic have certainly given you some excellent counsel, and I applaud both of them for how sensitively they have shared their wisdom and experience.

I don’t really have anything to add to the advice that they offer, but perhaps some perspective from the other side of the professor’s desk might be helpful.

I first met my YM in the fall of his freshman year. I was employed full-time in the college library, and teaching part time as an adjunct. Upon meeting him, I instantly noticed how handsome he was, but he was a child, and a student, and I wasn’t interested in either. As he was a student in my discipline, I was able to help him extensively with some of his research, and he would often seek me out whenever he needed assistance.

But I sensed something else happening between us. I’d often feel his eyes on me whenever I walked by him, and I’d sometimes catch him staring at me before he could look away. It was obvious that I interested him somehow, but I was never more than flattered by the attention. Then one day last spring he came to see me in my office wanting to know if there were any classes he could take from me in the fall. Our conversation was very casual, and mostly about his academics, but in that encounter I could feel a shift take place. He was so funny, and witty and so easy to talk to, and before I could stop myself I was totally infatuated! In fact, I spent all last summer unable to stop thinking about him!

We resumed our fledging friendship upon his return to campus last fall, and I was both delighted AND dismayed to see our relationship deepen and flourish. It’s been a bittersweet time to say the least. I’ve come to love this man very deeply, and I would love to tell him so, but I don’t want to ruin my career, and more importantly I don’t want to compromise our friendship and maybe risk losing his respect. And so I remain silent, keeping boundaries uncrossed and propriety in tact at all times.

The chances are better than not that this relationship will never move beyond friendship. I suspect that the fact that I am “off limits” has cooled his infatuation, and although our friendship continues, I know he enjoys dating and has mentioned to me his interest in another girl on campus. It will be hard to watch should they get together, but what choice do I have? I’m “not allowed” to have hurt feelings over a student.

I say all of this to say to you that first of all you should stop beating yourself up for having the feelings that you do for this man. Feelings are neither right nor wrong they’re just feelings. How we respond to them is what matters, and I think you have demonstrated more emotional maturity than you’re giving yourself credit for by your willingness to set aside your feelings and consider what is best for both you and this man. You, my dear, are wise beyond your years and I applaud you.

Secondly don’t waste your time feeling cheated if all you ever have is a friendship with this man. I know it’s hard when you want so much more, but friendship – when you really love and respect someone, as you seem to love and respect your professor – can be rich and fulfilling, and need not be seen as settling for the next best thing.

Finally, I don’t think you should rule out the possibility of telling him how you feel upon your graduation. I admit that I’ve often fantasized about my YM doing just that. While I’m not suggesting that you project my feelings onto your professor, the fact is you never know what could come about. If you do decide to talk to him, do so in a manner that is respectful to you both (which I’m sure you will), and ONLY if you feel comfortable doing so.

God’s speed to you Smitten. I’ll be watching the boards for how you fair.

Smitten~

I certainly don't have any experience with falling in love with a professor... however, I do have experience with that love thing. :) No matter how hard you try to "get over" it, it isn't going to happen. If this is meant to be with your professor, it's going to happen regardless. When you talked about him playing off of your standoffish/cold behaviour and how he reacted, I believe he may be acting that way because he has similar feelings for you. It sounds like a mutual attraction. Good luck!

People’s responses continue to be overwhelmingly generous- thank you, all.

I was feeling pretty down the other day, now I am laughing about it! It does helps to imagine him in a less complimentary or mundane light, I have done this before but will be sure to reflect on a few immediatly before seeing him next time so I am less nervous! I guess I know him better than I think, and know how he is in some mundane situations, and see his imperfections. It actually makes him more endearing.

Imagining him eating raman noodles straight out of the pot beside a pile of unfolded laundry watching Dharma and Greg in a terrycloth bath robe is a great one. Applying deodorant and the crusty white stuff gets stuck in the armpit hair. Brushing teeth wearing holey underwear and mismatched socks. Leaning over to whisper in my ear and *br-raaarp!*- acid reflux. Thanks to all my former boyfriends for a wealth of ammunition.

Wow, I am laying it on thick with the guilt thing. Okay, over. Zap! Right, I cannot erase how I feel, and I cannot do anything about it, so it must go into the back of my mind. I’m trying. My own work, friends, and my summer job keeps me busy enough, and this is not something that is throwing a dark shadow over my life or my education, but then *Flutter! Gasp!* outta the blue! Or I see him *blink!* or speak with him *sputter mumble shrink squirm* Then I have to wonder what the heck happened to that assertive chick I used to know who was never this flustered around ANY guy? *shrug* The good news is- getting to know him has shown me what I am looking for and am attracted to in a man, in general. I may be single for a long time, but will never get together with another unmotivated guy who thinks I'm Einstein reincarnated as a blond, or thinks that being an eccentric geek makes me "cute"!

I cut our conversations too short for the same concern you have expressed, catherineofa, and don’t speak to him very often. I am going to try to speak to him a little more, just to be on the same, I don’t know, speaking frequency as my classmates. I’ll see how it goes. If I could have a friendship with him, that would be a blessing, I don‘t value friendship any less, if not perhaps more since all my boyfriends have come and gone (or been shooed away with a broom!). I lived with my last boyfriend for several years and friendship with him is hard now because it is like ‘going back’ which is painful for him, so I wish now that we had stayed friends from the beginning. But that’s life.

Divine, I am so sorry, I can imagine how tough it must be. Thank you for sharing that. All I can say is that if he has feelings of love for you as well, he might be where I am not wanting to threaten you because that is part of love, and he also might think it is silly to believe you could have feelings for him (which is how I feel about my professor, and must enforce in myself or go nuts!) It sounds like he is attracted to you, but if he is talking about his interest in other students, he probably thinks it will never be a possibility. But on the flip side, unless university rules want to control their prof’s private lives beyond campus too, there shouldn't be anything against you coming forward with him when he graduates since he is a student in your department. It might be such a shock that he would never come out himself towards you. Even if he is dating other students... I have been keeping myself open to possibilities with guys I know my age, I'm not a big smarty pants but the chemistry just isn't there anymore. He may have the same problem.

Or as catherineofa has suggested to me, hints can be dropped as he is leaving and you can gauge how he feels by his reaction. Ask him out to dinner to celebrate his graduation, give him a thoughtful gift, like a book you think he would like and write a note on it that you really enjoyed getting to know him better… and btw here is a ph #- so communication can continue, friendship or further. We ‘kids’ are pretty dense sometimes, you might need to leave a lipstick smooch on it (joking!), or include a photo of you with your beautiful smile for him to *bang* get it. In my case, if that ever happened to me, it would be too good to be true, so he might have to sing to me under my apartment balcony for three days and three nights for me to accept that reciprocation might be a teensy little possibility (okay, I‘m not that dense)… If nothing happens, at least you let him know and you won‘t regret silence, as has been warned in this thread. It will hurt if nothing happens, but at least you tried. That is something I am keeping in mind for myself, but I am destined to be his student for at least two more years! And like my 50-something father said about his own romantic life, at that age what is he waiting for? Two years is a long time, I am twenty something, and my prof is middle aged. I'm even having dreams that he is getting together with other women- thats a sure signal from my subconscious that I must take to heart, but I wake up relieved that he is happy in the dreams, even though it makes me sad.

We're all getting together for community service, I'll see how it goes. Thanks again and again for everyone's advice, just the fact that I was able to get through that meeting with him on mon morning shows that I am getting better.

And DaBollocks- Thanks for the laugh! Sorry, but there won't be any KABOOM, and no little school girl uniforms... And he doesn't keep a paddle in his office for the bad girls either, so lets nip it in the bud! ;) If the attraction was purely sexual this would be easy for me to deal with and I wouldn't be posting here!

Awwww no paddling Smitten in her uniform?!!! B O O H O O!! :p ;)

I just found adaiel's thread... what an amazing story! My prof once said to me, "It is hard to let people into my life..." He was so down. Umm, maybe I should have taken the opportunity and told him I don't bite. I just nodded because I am that way too, trying to keep up propriety, and my head was spinning 'why is he telling me this?'. What you did was very brave, I am so happy to hear that you both love each other so much. I hope it gets easier for you to be open about your relationship with him, sorry your friends and family make it so difficult! One of my high school teachers married her college professor, and she is one of the most happily in love women I have ever seen to this day!

Some info which may be interesting: Unfortunatly I cannot post links to these articles because they were from a subscription research database, but studies have shown that professor-student romances are more mutual than universities would like to make them out to be (and most of that hooplah is attributed to the few cases of the leacherous professors, which are really not typical, and that for the male professors, their female peers feel threatened and get in a collective tizzy that their own 'eligibles' are working with younger women). Also, studies have found that relationships that began as professor-student and result in marriage have the lowest divorce rate of any, which has to do with the mentoring aspect in the beginning. That's all the sum up of what I have found, not personal experience or opinion, but I thought they had some interesting points.

I have also found several studies which show that relationships between older men and younger women have one of the lowest divorce rates in marriage, so long as, despite age, both partners have the parent-lover-teacher aspects mutually.

Smitten,

I would love to have links to some of the stuff you were reading about professor-student and OM/YW relationships. Also, thanks for the support and encouragement with my relationship. It's interesting because with things like this its very hard to overcome the rules about professor-student relationships. Often I think professors can be overly concerned about maintaining professionalism in the workplace. Well, maybe its not overconcern, but I think in some cases it could get in the way of their happiness. I know that in my case, because my BF is European, it was a little bit easier for him to ignore the academic wall rules because where he is from professor/student relationships are not a big deal at all. Furthermore, AGR's are not so scandalous either. I think this made our relationship more possible in a way. What is different however, is that I was not in love with my professor when we had sex for the first time. I was just curious and so was he. So I am jealous of you in a way, because if it does work out between the two of you, you will have received a great present. After the second time we had made love though it became clear to both of us that we had fallen in love in some random, strange blessing/curse twist of fate. Our relationship is going well and it has a few problems just like every relationship. But I think that an older man can offer so much to a young woman and vice-versa so that even if you do not marry your OM I think that getting to know someone that you admire and respect is an invaluable experience. I have grown and matured so much because of this relationship not just because of him but also because of the struggles with my family. Even those struggles I can appreciate now because this helped me to get over a lot of illusions that I had about my family and to feel more independent, more self-reliant. So whatever this experience has to offer you I suggest that you go into it with humility and absorb and feel as much as you can.

Yes yes, I am interested in any literature on this as well. :)

Thank you Smitten for your kind words and encouragement. It really helps just being able to talk about this stuff.

I’ve also done a little research on my college’s subscription databases, and I found an article in a counseling journal that explores dual relationships in academia (you may have come across it in your reading). In citing some of the models the author points to the underlying assumption that, generally speaking, governs student-professor interactions: that because of the power differential it is the responsibility of faculty to decide the appropriateness of interactions based on how the student perceives the relationship, keeping in mind that student and professor may view the relationship differently.

It has been my experience that dual relationships (where one functions in two or more roles with another person) are inevitable in academia. Being at a small religious school myself, this is compounded by the fact that we come to the process not just as teachers and students, but as “brothers and sisters” as well. In fact my own interactions with students have also involved a certain degree of “parenting,” depending on individual needs. I talk with and counsel students all day long. I’ve laugh with them, I’ve cried with them, I’ve kicked their butts when they needed it. And then there’s that special group that I call “my kids” (yes it’s true, all teachers have their pets), where the groundwork is laid for later relationship beyond their college years. To many of them I’ve been a mother (howbeit their “sexy, young momma” – their words, not mine :p), and now I’ve met a YM to whom I want to be so much more, who has even said – with a blush and a smile – that he thinks that I treat him “differently.”

Now I know what you may be thinking: small religious school=strict rules against ‘’fraternizing,” right? Wrong! In fact some years ago there was a professor (older man) who fell in love with a young female undergrad (not a student in his major). Some members of the faculty didn’t feel it was appropriate because she was a student, but nothing was ever said and they’re happily married to this day.

So why am I so uptight about my YM? Well, for one there’s my own internal system of ethical checks and balances. I feel I have a responsibility to not only facilitate the learning process, but to safeguard it against even the possibility of compromise. I know this may sound extreme (and it just may get in the way of my own happiness), but it is a trust that I personally hold sacred, and as much a part of who I am as a teaching professional as anything I do in the classroom. And so in this instance my personally happiness is NOT the highest virtue to be considered. Okay enough, I sound like a martyr – let’s move on! :rolleyes:

Secondly, there is the whole gender/power dynamic. While the friendship between my YM and I is very balanced (I help him with research, and he shares his CDs with me), the “powers that be” might not look so kindly on us, even with a successful precedent in place. Despite the fact that our school is very progressive, even by its own denominational standards, some of the old gender rules still apply: what’s good for the gander is NEVER acceptable for the goose (and her gosling). And so we live with the world as is, even as we work to change it.

Well Smitten, I’m not sure how helpful any of this is in addressing your situation. You seem to have a thorough enough understanding of the possible ramifications should you and your professor pursue a romantic relationship. My concern is that you appear to be so paralyzed with fear of your feelings and frustration at not having the relationship you want, that you’re not getting all you can out of the relationship you DO have with him. If there's anything to the models in the research and he is taking his cues from you, he could shy away from a potential friendship if he thinks it makes you uncomfortable.

He sounds like a really quality person (wish I knew a single OM like him), and I don’t think you should shy away from getting to know him more intimately (not sexually, and I know you understand the difference). Adriael’s right: getting to know someone you admire and respect IS an invaluable experience, so don’t be afraid to lay the groundwork for a relationship (whether romantic or just friendship) beyond graduation. You said he once said that it’s hard to let people into one’s life. Well, I don’t think it’s too late to let him know that you don’t bite. Worse case scenario; you’ve made a friend for live. Good luck to you Smitten, and keep us all posted.

I cannot link, they are too smart for me! They want to know that we are someone who has paid them for access to such a wealth of information.

I'll PM some pub. info so you can find what I was able to relocate today through your university libraries- I don't know if posting the publication information, or even a summary with info and a proper citation, is against forum rules or not. [calling a moderator, *bing*] :confused: If its okay, then more to come.

I cannot find the article that talked about the stu-prof romances relating to the mentor-student aspects of long lasting mentally attracted relationships, even marriages... But I guess the loss of published info isn't all that bad since great relationships between two people happen in all kinds of settings between all different kinds of people. I'll try again though. It just doesn't matter, I keep on saying. Its true, unless you're still the student in most cases.

To all students, when you conduct research, personally or academically, keep a record the keywords you enter too... especially if you don't save or print an abstract with publication info. I was just browsing and reading and didn't think about it :rolleyes: Actually, there are several articles (that mentioned studies; my bad, I have only been able to relocate ONE acual published study since I have made mention and can Pm that) that I would like to look at again and cannot find for above mentioned mistake. I tried to remember all the search terms I have gone through and no dice today Sigh, now I know to always keep a working bibliography for any subject I research; we never know when it will come in handy or not. -removes keyboard from mouth-

check the PMs, hope it works

I feel I have a responsibility to not only facilitate the learning process, but to safeguard it against even the possibility of compromise. I know this may sound extreme (and it just may get in the way of my own happiness), but it is a trust that I personally hold sacred, and as much a part of who I am as a teaching professional as anything I do in the classroom. And so in this instance my personally happiness is NOT the highest virtue to be considered.
That is just what I would expect my professor to say!

He sounds like a really quality person (wish I knew a single OM like him)
*sigh* maybe I should help us both out and hook you up ;)


I don't think I have read that article.

Friendship would be wonderful, if I can get over the twitterpation and haven't made it too wierd already. Good news is, I feel like it is starting to die down (not the love thing, but the crazy stuff that flies with it in the beginning). The human brain can only keep up that infatuation thing that makes us dizzy and wobbly and dancy and starry-eyed for about 6 months to a year or a little more, it depends on the person's brain chemestry. I'm at 10 months, admitting it to myself and consciously facing it for 7. I know that sounds dull and cold, but there is real chemestry even with love. Infatuation can accompany it in the beginning, and when it dies down it has to have been replaced by something more stable like trust (oxytocin, isn't it amazing that neurologists are starting to understand the brain better and link these supposedly abstract concepts and feelings to specific chemicals in parts of the brain!) and commitment and the love must remain (a way of treating, care, respect, understanding, blah blah I can't think about this anymore). But nothing is ever the same for all people, even by this gross generalization. Don't know where I was going with that.

Have humility over it in abundance, think it's getting on his nerves! He takes it as me stressing over 'my work' :eek: I am so grateful to be his student, and humbled again and again. He is a one of a kind teacher in many ways. I also should learn how to have humility without slumping my shoulders. Distance and propriety without coldness and avoidance. Balance. I never expected education to be this educational. :rolleyes:

Thanks, all

You are a brilliant young person Smitten, and I feel privileged to know you! :)

Darn that twitterpation – it can be such a pain! But I’m happy to hear that yours is dying down a bit. I think once the butterflies have passed, you’ll feel calmer and freer to be your usually charming self around your prof. And with the “real” you in the forefront, who knows… ;)

Good luck!

P.S. - thanks for the offer of a hook-up, but I've got my own twitterpation to work out :p

Hey Folks,

If you can't link to the articles, why don't you at least type the citations into the posts. Anyone on the board who is interested can go to any public university (who has a subscription to the journals) and look up the articles.

I am fortunate enough to be in love with and dating a prof at the university down the street from mine. Its a small world, and I was nervous about the professional implications our relationship might have on his career, but so far so good. I guess it helps that I am almost finished with my Ph.D....(He is 55, I am 30).

Good luck with your profs ladies. Just do those men a favor and play it cool until you graduate. They have worked too hard to get where they are...

Beachgeek

Just do those men a favor and play it cool until you graduate. They have worked too hard to get where they are...

Yes, which is mostly what makes even the idea scary for me.

I am trying to find more articles. I will post on that again with a better list when I get the chance, and may make a new post for any I recover or find dealing only with age gap relationships. I haven't forgotten. I am holding off at the moment because I would like to include more than waht I found when I offered to PM. I guss it is okay to post pub. info (duh!)

Thanks!

I'm a professor. I'm a professor who married his student.

Previous posters have provided pretty good advice. Be very careful. In general dual relationships are bad ideas...and can be illegal in some situations (professional practice).

My situation ended wonderfully...but had to navigate the contemporary atmosphere of political correctness and feminist ideology. We kept it platonic until she was out of my classes. We kept up some boundaries while she was enrolled in the college.

Male professors MUST be careful. In my 20+ year academic career I've had every imaginable offer...many written on exams...on little notes attached to exams. Offers from women of all ages and marital statuses. Men must keep proper decorum at all costs lest you get accused of real nasty stuff. I'm proud to say I kept my nose clean until I met my wife.

Good luck with your situation.

I'm a professor. I'm a professor who married his student.

Previous posters have provided pretty good advice. Be very careful. In general dual relationships are bad ideas...and can be illegal in some situations (professional practice).

My situation ended wonderfully...but had to navigate the contemporary atmosphere of political correctness and feminist ideology. We kept it platonic until she was out of my classes. We kept up some boundaries while she was enrolled in the college.

Male professors MUST be careful. In my 20+ year academic career I've had every imaginable offer...many written on exams...on little notes attached to exams. Offers from women of all ages and marital statuses. Men must keep proper decorum at all costs lest you get accused of real nasty stuff. I'm proud to say I kept my nose clean until I met my wife.

Good luck with your situation.

One thing I think is good to take note of (by the posters in this situation) is that you kept your nose clean. Young women should be aware if the older professor they like has had a reputation for being involved with students. A reputation for liking the students or having any connections with them should be considered. It could indicate that he is more of a wolf than a lamb and that he sees students as a notch in his belt.

I like your posts. It is nice to have the professor's viewpoint in these age gap issues. I have two questions. What was it about her that made her different than the others who persued you? What happened that made you feel comfortable enough to make your own feelings known? When does a professor realize that he can "cross the line" from the academic to the personal?

One thing I think is good to take note of (by the posters in this situation) is that you kept your nose clean. Young women should be aware if the older professor they like has had a reputation for being involved with students. A reputation for liking the students or having any connections with them should be considered. It could indicate that he is more of a wolf than a lamb and that he sees students as a notch in his belt.

I like your posts. It is nice to have the professor's viewpoint in these age gap issues. I have two questions. What was it about her that made her different than the others who persued you? What happened that made you feel comfortable enough to make your own feelings known? When does a professor realize that he can "cross the line" from the academic to the personal?

Great questions. It came down to a "gut" instinct concerning the young woman who became my wife. She did not pursue me in any explicit or inappropriate way. Initially it began as small conversations outside of class as we walked from building to building. Over two years these conversations became more complex and personal. She was not "creepy" in any way...no strange notes or emails...everything was healthy and normal. I was in my 40's by then and had a good sense when someone was in the crush/obsessive/psycho/dependent daddy/kinky-do-the-old-guy/have the professor stage. She was none of these, just a nice sweet 19 year old who seemed to be mature for her age.

We were both pursuing other relationships for the first year of our friendship. When these ended our friendship deepened as we discussed what went right/wrong in our previous romances.

I honestly didn't even consider her to be romantically interested in me for the first 18 months of so. I also didn't think of her this way because of the age gap. Well slowly...we recognized that there was some interpersonal attraction. We then talked about the need for boundaries while she was still a student. During her senior year we moved into a stage of deepening psychological intimacy. By the time she graduated we were "in love" and went from there.

I will not go into the issues that were raised by fellow faculty and administrators at the college where I was employed. By her senior year...many folks became aware of our friendship and some thought that they should stick their nose where it did not belong. I had not had a sexual relationship with her and felt that no ethical rules/codes had been violated.

In the end, my reputation, rank, experience (I was also a department chair and administratior for many years) and longevity at the institution were enough to prevent any serious meddling in my business.

An interesting note however. The college decided to adopt a Faculty-Student dating policy in the wake of my marriage (faculty/staff refer to the policy by my last name). It is a strange statement which requires any faculty desiring to date a student to notify their department chair IN ADVANCE of any romantic interlude.
They can then get "permission" to date!!

In fact, earlier today I was at a BBQ with some colleagues and they were telling me that there were several prof-student flings that had received official approval per the policy!! In advance!!!

I can't imagine a person in their 40's or 50's sitting down with an administrator and saying "there's this girl/guy I'd like to take to dinner...can I?"

I should add that my wife is simply the most wonderful woman I have ever met. I was single until age 46...boy did I hit the jackpot. Maybe I would have asked for permission :)

Thank you JUng for sharing your experience. Being in a teacher/student friendship myself I really appreciate your perspective.

I'm so happy for you that your relationship worked out the way it did. You handled the situation with a lot of wisdom and discretion, and for me your example is definitely worth emulating.

Thanks again for posting.

Great questions. It came down to a "gut" instinct concerning the young woman who became my wife. She did not pursue me in any explicit or inappropriate way. Initially it began as small conversations outside of class as we walked from building to building. Over two years these conversations became more complex and personal. She was not "creepy" in any way...no strange notes or emails...everything was healthy and normal. I was in my 40's by then and had a good sense when someone was in the crush/obsessive/psycho/dependent daddy/kinky-do-the-old-guy/have the professor stage. She was none of these, just a nice sweet 19 year old who seemed to be mature for her age.

We were both pursuing other relationships for the first year of our friendship. When these ended our friendship deepened as we discussed what went right/wrong in our previous romances.

I honestly didn't even consider her to be romantically interested in me for the first 18 months of so. I also didn't think of her this way because of the age gap. Well slowly...we recognized that there was some interpersonal attraction. We then talked about the need for boundaries while she was still a student. During her senior year we moved into a stage of deepening psychological intimacy. By the time she graduated we were "in love" and went from there.

I will not go into the issues that were raised by fellow faculty and administrators at the college where I was employed. By her senior year...many folks became aware of our friendship and some thought that they should stick their nose where it did not belong. I had not had a sexual relationship with her and felt that no ethical rules/codes had been violated.

In the end, my reputation, rank, experience (I was also a department chair and administratior for many years) and longevity at the institution were enough to prevent any serious meddling in my business.

An interesting note however. The college decided to adopt a Faculty-Student dating policy in the wake of my marriage (faculty/staff refer to the policy by my last name). It is a strange statement which requires any faculty desiring to date a student to notify their department chair IN ADVANCE of any romantic interlude.
They can then get "permission" to date!!

In fact, earlier today I was at a BBQ with some colleagues and they were telling me that there were several prof-student flings that had received official approval per the policy!! In advance!!!

I can't imagine a person in their 40's or 50's sitting down with an administrator and saying "there's this girl/guy I'd like to take to dinner...can I?"

I should add that my wife is simply the most wonderful woman I have ever met. I was single until age 46...boy did I hit the jackpot. Maybe I would have asked for permission :)


Wow, JUng, thank you so much for posting this. It is very very interesting to me to see the other perspective.

This definitely reminds me somewhat of the relationship I have with my Prof. right now. I am definitely not merely infatuated and this is not some sort of fetish at all. I am genuinly interested in him, and I am suspecting he can sense this.

This may be getting a little bit too personal, and please feel free to tell me to back off (hehe), but I was wondering what were the little "hints" that let you know of her attraction to you? And how did *you* let her know of yours? I imagine these weren't conscious and forthcoming, but rather just something that developed, yet I still am curious because it is just such a delicate and fragile relationship: the student - professor relationship.

It is refreshing to see that indeed, a good healthy relationship can develop out of it all if maturely handled. It's not surprising really because you can't stop a connection from happening if there is obviously one present. But, I still get my doubts and insecurities such as, "What would this older, wiser, much more experienced man see in me?" Not that I don't have self-confidence (because I do), but I do get my moments of doubt; we all do.

I am glad things worked out for you JUng and I really really look forward to hearing more from you.
:)

"This may be getting a little bit too personal, and please feel free to tell me to back off (hehe), but I was wondering what were the little "hints" that let you know of her attraction to you? And how did *you* let her know of yours? I imagine these weren't conscious and forthcoming, but rather just something that developed, yet I still am curious because it is just such a delicate and fragile relationship: the student - professor relationship"

They were very subtle hints. She would briefly touch my shoulder when I was showing her something on my computer screen or the nature of her eye contact when we spoke suggested more emotional content than mere friendship. We would be discussing the issue of male-female dating and how this changes as you get older. She would drop a comment like " men are lucky they get better looking with age". It was also apparent that the men she found attractive (actors-performers) were quite a bit older than her.

It was during her senior year when I overtly brought up the topic of dating. I was not subtle since I had received enough of this type of feedback. She was enthusiastic about the suggestion and we went from there.

My suggestion to any faculty or students pondering such a relationship to know what the institutions policy is regarding these relationships. Most have some statement which sets the parameters to follow.

Also tenure is a good thing to have ;)

Reply to JUng

Reply to Group Too

I have to say that reading your responses about your experience were interesting! It is not everyday that you get to know the outlook from the standpoint of "a professor".

I posted earlier on this thread about my own interest in a professor (years ago) and how I handled my situation. I handled my case in many ways that I continue to approve of to this day. My only regret and exception is that I did not make a formal declaration of interest to "my professor" upon graduation. I was 20s. He was 50s.

As I mentioned a few posts ago, I agree that subtle comments and actions can go a long way. Example-References to liking older men and body language. (I personally made references to older actors.) You reminded me of this when you mentioned your wife's own comments about male personality figures.

I thought I might mention something that I did when I wanted "my professor" to get a strong hint. At the time, I really questioned it and ran it by a married friend who thought it permissible. I don't advocate it for everyone and frankly don't recommend it because it will backfire in most situations. It can even come across in a way that a light shines on your youth and that what you feel is a crush.

This is what I did: When I was in college, there was a light trend in greeting card stores. There was an emphasis on sending secret admirer cards to objects of affection. They were easy to find. Most were tastelful and were meant to convey romantic interest. I got one. Wrote a sentence that said that a person wanted to get to know him more and that current contact wasn't quite enough. I had a friend put it under his office door after hours. This was very unlike me and pretty much sums up my reserve and lack of flirty behavior in person.

This was the result: The professor I had often came into a library facility and would stand and talk to me for long time periods. He didn't go to see me, but had business there on a regular basis. Within two days after the card was dropped off, he was in the facility as usual and came up to talk to me. He sat down with me (at a table where I was sitting) which he had never done before. During the conversation, he proceeded to tell me about his family and things about them. The conversation involved his volunteering things of a personal nature and he was very relaxed. At the time, I was surprised at how quickly this had happened and wondered if he knew it was me or was feeling me out to see if it was me. I never found out.

I am telling this story because I feel today that I needed to let things out at graduation as I had planned. With a much older man (and one in one of position) you cannot really depend on on him to traditionally make a first move "date" or "crossing the line". Near graduation, you have to really leave an obvious trail he doesn't have to second guess so that when you do reveal feelings, he has already had what he thinks might be there on his mind. At that time, I worried some about being too forward and wondered if I would appear out of line. I went through second guesses and talking myself out of acting.

One thing I think young women overlook are subtle or general comments they don't take as overtures from HIM. In my situation, I was really nieve and feel that he might have been giving me some overtures. Example-The next time I go to Europe, you should go with me. I would love for you to see my antiques.

Be aware of comments like these. They MIGHT be overtures. MIGHT

I still advocate an intellectual relationship until senior year or near graduation. Be patient and develop the friendship. If you feel the same at the end of your senior year, that is the time to act. Just remember that he may not return your interest and it will make you uncomfortable if that happens. It may also make you feel like you have unloaded. What you have to do is decide if you can live with his answer if it is negative or if you can live with not acting if you never let him know.

Hi all, it has been great reading this thread, as I am in a similar situation. We have known each other for more than a year, but only got closer towards end of last year. Anyway, I have already graduated and left the school. We get along totally fine, love hanging out with each other. Everything is going great. However, sad to say he is still unable to accept the 25 years age gap we have.. He is worried that as we get older, I will still look good when he will look old and people will start thinking that I am crazy to date him. Also, if we do have kids, he might be too old to be active with the kids or might not even be around for the kids in the future. He also worries about health, even though he is still very active now. I can say that I am totally in love with him, and often do try and convince him not to worry. However, he still can't see this as being long term yet. We are still going out, and do hope to be with him in the future.

I was wondering what is the age gap between JUng and his wife. How were you able to overcome everything? Also, it will be nice to hear what everyone can say or help me...

Hi all, it has been great reading this thread, as I am in a similar situation. We have known each other for more than a year, but only got closer towards end of last year. Anyway, I have already graduated and left the school. We get along totally fine, love hanging out with each other. Everything is going great. However, sad to say he is still unable to accept the 25 years age gap we have.. He is worried that as we get older, I will still look good when he will look old and people will start thinking that I am crazy to date him. Also, if we do have kids, he might be too old to be active with the kids or might not even be around for the kids in the future. He also worries about health, even though he is still very active now. I can say that I am totally in love with him, and often do try and convince him not to worry. However, he still can't see this as being long term yet. We are still going out, and do hope to be with him in the future.

I was wondering what is the age gap between JUng and his wife. How were you able to overcome everything? Also, it will be nice to hear what everyone can say or help me...


There is a 23 year gap between me and my wife. This has never been a real issue although we did discuss the ramifications of the gap when we decided to move from mere friendship to dating.

My opinion...If one partner is seriously concerned with the gap (at the outset) you could be in for a tough road ahead. As he ages...his concerns may/probably will increase from where they are at now. If my wife had expressed any serious concern about my age I probably would have not invested in the relationship
early on since the issue would only loom larger as the years passed. Perhaps this is not the case with your OM and he can move beyond this.

I can't judge him for his concerns...they are after all his and he has every right to have them. Do I think he is distorting the future outcomes towards the negative? Sure it sounds like that. He will probably suffer more physical issues than you in the coming decades, including an earlier demise than you, but this is not set in stone. Sounds like he may be a tad bit insecure about his attractiveness and the stability of your love for him.

/.../ Everything is going great. However, sad to say he is still unable to accept the 25 years age gap we have.. He is worried that as we get older, I will still look good when he will look old and people will start thinking that I am crazy to date him. /.../ He also worries about health, even though he is still very active now. I can say that I am totally in love with him, and often do try and convince him not to worry. /.../

This relates to a marriage between an OW/YM but I think it could be applied to all relationships with age differences:

At the age of 50 my wife's godmother married a 25 years old man. As you could guess there were lots of "opinions" and people thought that the marriage will not survive. Her answer was "better to have 5 years of happiness than no happiness at all". Their marriage lasted for 40 years and at the age of 90 she (!) became a widow (she lived until she was 95).

Yes JUng, I do agree that he thinks a little more to the negative side of things. Jonte mentioned, "better to have 5 years of happiness than no happiness at all", I can say that I did tell this to him, that wouldn't it be nice if you can look back and say you lived life happy with me, rather than without me? But, there is a little more. First, not many of his family members lived past the age of 70/80. He doesn't want to go before me, and leave me with all the responsibilities. Even if he does live long, he is concerned that people will see him as the grandfather of his kids. I didn't say this earlier, he was married before and have a kid. He did worry about how his kid will feel, and also, he is not sure if he is able to live a married life again. I did talk to him, saying that I don't mind not being married and live apart, but still be together and I don't even mind having his child alone. At times, I think I do sound crazy right?

Anyway, we have avoided this topic for a while. Just living by the day.. because one thing is that I am not from around here and I will be going back home in a few weeks. So it might end up being long distance, which is a separate thing. Oh well, will see what happens..

Smitten, I throughly enjoy reading your posts, as they are quite intriguing. I have been in a similar boat, and thought it might be appropriate to share my story.
I have been attracted to older men ever since I could be attracted to the opposite sex. I always had teacher lust through middle school, and even high school. I liked boys my age too, but there was always mystery behind a "man" and not a boy. Through high school, I had it BAD for one of my teachers, just the way you do. I never did anything, and obviously neither did he. I never knew how he felt, he was just one of those open, friendly guys who made you feel totally comfortable. When I was 16 he was probably 30. He was very very handsome, but so intelligent. I was so enamoured with him, there were so many attributes about him that I just adored. I loved him for him, I loved his intelligence, wit, and I loved his flaws. I thought if only I was older I would so pursue him. I never tried anything, I felt it was totally inappropriate because for the most part I thought I had some teeange crush, but through the years my feelings never subsided. We would have such long, poignant talks, I felt like he understood me, and we loved the same books, movies, we could talk about art, something I adore in men but could never find. I felt like he treated me differently, and I felt a chemistry between us that was undeniable. It was never addressed, but you could cut it with a knife.
There would be those looks that dissolved me, and I would lie awake at night wondering if anything would ever come to fruition in the future. I tried so so hard to get over it, I thought it was silly for me to be wasting time on a lost cause. Then I graduated. I was 18, and we started communicating through the summer. As the mystery behind his persona dissolved, I became more attracted to him. Then, as I approached the subject of "us" he became silent. He just gazed at me. he led me to his bedroom (we were at his house) and....you can fill in the rest. We started becoming intimate. It was our secret, since if anyone found out he could lose his job, even though I was 18 and had graduated. I can tell you he was my first. I really value all the times I shared with him.
But now that the tension was gone, something happened. The relationship became more like a friends with benefits and less romantic. I didnt get all fluttery around him, now that the anticipation was gone. He became just another human being to me, granted I still cared for him, but took him off his pedestal. Our sexual stint didnt last very long, but I was glad that it happened. Perhaps it is true, the anticipation is usually better than the result. The fantasy I had of him in my mind was better than what our true relationship was like. I found more and more dividing differences between us, and less and less in common. But I was fine with it, I wasn't heartbroken, just satisfied. I wanted love, and I really wasnt in love, not anymore, if I ever was, with him. We parted our ways, and I dont really see him anymore.
I am currently in a very loving relationship with a man 21 years my senior. This time it is love, we are equals, and I never have to be hush hush about anything. I am glad to have had the experience, and at least I will never wonder "What if?"

The life experience thing is a touchy subject . I'm currently broken up with my OM, but we have been discussing things like life experience and relating to one another. Tell me, is there anything I can add to lessen his anxiety over these things? I know, that it can't be eliminated completely, I've done quite alot in my 23 years and I know I'm not naive. But I don't want my innocence to be seen as something that can't be worked with.

Very thoughtful post!

I think most professors develop a form of radar that detects subtle attractions like the one you describe. I would not be surprised if he didn't know of your attraction.

Prof must be very very very careful in dealing with these situations. We are only human. To be a middle aged man and have a select group of very bright, young, very attractive females interested in you is tempting. BUT you must remain professional and create boundaries for yourself that must not be breached.

An example of unprofessionalism is the Boston prof who was teaching a summer class (this year). The idiot went on an internet site and describe the physical beauty of one of his student and what "effects" she had on him. His post was brought to the attention of administration. Since he was an adjunct prof he was immediately terminated. I would have fired him also.

How keep it professional? R u monks or something? Not allowed to ..sin with a student-demon?! U c us as temptation, but so do we. We –love struck students- r not beings from hell who wish to allure the holly prof to hell. Maybe it’s the other way round and we’re the ones being seduced by experienced charming witty profs.
I just read this whole thread and thought I could share my story and concerns, maybe ask for a little advice. Hopefully sbd may see it (the thread is being dead for quite long ha?)
At my 19s when I got into uni, I fell for a prof, 30 years my senior and married. I was the best student in his class, only because I paid attention to his every word, every move, I worshiped the ground he walked on. I had never being with a man, I knew nothing about flirting and I really couldn’t define my feelings. I assumed he was single because he was wearing no wedding ring, so for 2 years I allowed my feelings to grow silently from a simple crush to an obsession that certainly wasn’t healthy.
At that time we had exchanged phone numbers and were talking in friendly terms, but he knew I was love struck, my eyes gave me away. My heart was beating louder than my thoughts every time we met. He drove me home sometimes after class, and greeted me with a friendly kiss on the cheek, which sent me straight to a hell of lust. However I still couldn’t realize what I was getting into, since I had no previous experience with any man. I was often thinking ‘take me with u’ or ‘I want u inside me’ not knowing what that really meant.
One day I went to a net café and sent him an anonymous sms (years ago this was possible) saying I miss him. He suspected me and called late at night to ask if it was me. I denied everything but before he hangs up I confessed (I was never able to lie to my sweet mind-reader) and we agreed on a first date at my home. I cooked for him and we talked as we always did, except he suddenly asked me straight if I was in love with him. That moment I was about to faint. I thought I was dreaming. My reaction was a silent definite ‘yes’ to him and we ended up in bed. It was my first experience. Unforgettable, melted in his hands and gave in completely, body and soul.
Later that night he took me to his house where I saw a picture of two women and asked subtly who they were. He replied they were his sister and his wife. He said they weren’t in love anymore. I didn’t believe him. It was like a huge heavy rock was falling on my head at that moment and I had frozen. He acted surprised and asked if it’s ok with me, I thought we’d have a little dirty secret between us and tomorrow morning I’d meet him again in class like nothing had happened. So I acted cool the other day, feeling grateful to my idol for noticing me, for holding me in his arms. Still it was mere infatuation and not love. I knew he just wanted sex and had no feelings for me, it was ok, I never hoped I deserved this god’s love anyway.
I talked to nobody about this, I didn’t want to risk his career and marriage or harm his reputation in any way. I had no intention of calling him or talking to him ever again, as I couldn’t stand even the tension while he was teaching my class. However he called me again, we kept going out, for 4 months I was telling him I want this to stop. My guilt was unbearable. But I was falling for him more and more. Before I knew it, I was spending days and months living with him at his home, taking care of him (his wife lived and worked in another city). It had turned to love. He never let me go away from him. He started being possessive and dominating and I loved every minute of it. At the uni the rumors started, faculty and students were fighting us, implying he was in it for sex and I for the grades. But we’d sink into each other’s hug and make it all go away.
The years went by, I graduated, we got to know each other really well and he admitted he loved me but also loved his wife. Though I knew we had no future, I was in seventh heaven for each precious moment we shared could be the last. Soon his marriage ended, because he’s a casual cheater (he had other extra marital ‘adventures’ before me, though not so long- term) and his wife suspected he had a new flint and couldn’t stand it anymore. Now we’ve being together for more than 4 years. We’re planning a future together.
I worry though, he has no hesitation to f*** any student who comes to him, any woman available (we’re totally honest to each other about ANYTHING, even if it hurts). But he never makes the first move. I worry he will send me away from his life, replace me with a younger student and that would kill me. I’d rather be a slave at his harem! He has said to me once that I’m very valuable to him, that I’m all he has, and if I betray him he’ll collapse. I don’t know if I believe this, he’s too strong and self-confident to mean it.
It’s too late for me to imagine a future without him. He’s not only a mentor but also a sweet sensitive man underneath his mask of cruelty and aggressiveness, a friend, the perfect male I always dreamt of. He has told me that if I want to leave and find someone at my age to have a ‘normal’ relationship and family, he’ll let me go, though that’ll be a loss for him because he needs me. But now it’s too late to break his emotional chain off my neck. No other man has ever attracted me, and oddly, I see any man of my age as an immature brother! If I have a family it will be with him. He wants this too, but hesitates ‘cause I’m still financially unstable and might need the financial support of parents and people who’ll disapprove strongly of us.
Sorry for the length of this post. I wish sbd, especially JUng (I bet he teaches psychology!) reads at least part of it to shed some light upon how my prof-bf might be seeing our whole situation.
Thank u all

Witch, you sound like a good smart person, I hope that man deserves every bit of you.
Sincerely,
Leah

Did you read the same post as I did? The one where she admits that her man cheats on her...tells her...and yet she's still content to be with him? Yeah...that sounds really smart.

Maybe you did recieve the same kind of encouragement...but chose to focus on the less positive comments. Maybe you chose to focus on the comments that spoke the truth instead of giving you what you wanted to hear.

Nadine.

Witch,

I am actually worried for you......... A first love is hard to walk away from.....so is a controlling man. I think you are being truly deceived. As much as I do not want to sound as though I am judging you (because I think, by your writing, you are a very sharp individual), I think you are terribly mislead.

I can understand everything you say about your OM being your knight in shining armour..... you would walk on water for him.....and all of those wonderful feelings you have.


Its not too late for you to imagine a life without him. He doesn't need you....but he wants you to believe that. Did I read your post correctly, "He wouldn't hesitate at f**** another student?"

I believe in a couple being brutally honest (to the point it hurts) when the issues at hand are those in the best interest of the relationship or the individual person. I don't believe the "honesty" that you share together is something healthy. In all honesty, I would be worried too....

I know you are in love with him (as you have stated) and that you see perfection in him etc.........

To sum it up in just a sentence....I will use your words, please read them, listen to them and understand exactly what was said..... "It's too late to break his emotional chain off my neck."

Your metophor was written with intelligence and strength to show your emotion...you are an intelligent person.... you deserve true happiness of someone who thinks of you the same way you describe this gentleman.

Good luck and I wish you all the best in your life decisions.

[QUOTE=jesique]Did you read the same post as I did? The one where she admits that her man cheats on her...tells her...and yet she's still content to be with him? Yeah...that sounds really smart. [QUOTE]


Excuse me, I personally am not seeking any specific answer to any of my questions or posts. There is nothing I am specifially looking to hear people say, I didn't come here simply for encouragement, but I did expect people to have good manners. As far as my own situation with my professor goes, (which has a very mere significance to my life at all) of course I expect people to say things like, "it could never work." There's always those one sided judgemental people. Those comments must be accepted. But comments that are made to completely mock a person are considered extremely rude to me and extremely out of place on a website like this. For example, the woman who said, I need "Daddy's approval", and "What dear do you plan to do for the rest of the semester? Build a rich fantasy life about him?" That woman is rude and obnoxious for talking to me the way she did, and I may have responded immaturely at the end of that discussion, but I see NO reason to be so sweet and polite to people who are simply imbasils. (If I did not spell that word right, get over it, I'm not claiming to be the spelling bee champ.)

People can be smart in some ways and weak in others. I think that Witch is registered to this site becaue she needs support, not to be bashed verbally. This is a "Mutual Support Group". If you don't agree with her situation or believe that shes doing something "wrong" I think you should tell her more politely. I believe Witch's situation is not really healthy at all, but we are not her family nor her close friends and don't know every detail of her situation.
It is a FACT that when a person is in an unhealthy situation, such as being physically abused by a spouse for example, rather than telling the abused that they are stupid for being in that situation, a more polite AND effective approach is to NOT talk down to them as if you are more worthy of a human being, but to tell them that's its an unhealthy situation in a way that does not come off as judgemental. Obviously she does not have good self-confidence and that's why she's here and under her screen name she wrote, "no 1 loves me". By boosting her confidence a little, and telling her she does not deserve to be treated that way is a lot more of an efficient approach than basically implying she is a moron. I think constructive critisism is MUCH more appropriate for this website. I think people on these sites that can only see one side to every situation have issues and should maybe register for the Dr. Phil website instead. Maybe I'm not understanding the point of a "support group", but I thought it was pretty self explanatory.

People can be smart in some ways and weak in others. I think that Witch is registered to this site becaue she needs support, not to be bashed verbally. This is a "Mutual Support Group". If you don't agree with her situation or believe that shes doing something "wrong" I think you should tell her more politely. I believe Witch's situation is not really healthy at all, but we are not her family nor her close friends and don't know every detail of her situation.
It is a FACT that when a person is in an unhealthy situation, such as being physically abused by a spouse for example, rather than telling the abused that they are stupid for being in that situation, a more polite AND effective approach is to NOT talk down to them as if you are more worthy of a human being, but to tell them that's its an unhealthy situation in a way that does not come off as judgemental. Obviously she does not have good self-confidence and that's why she's here and under her screen name she wrote, "no 1 loves me". By boosting her confidence a little, and telling her she does not deserve to be treated that way is a lot more of an efficient approach than basically implying she is a moron. I think constructive critisism is MUCH more appropriate for this website. I think people on these sites that can only see one side to every situation have issues and should maybe register for the Dr. Phil website instead. Maybe I'm not understanding the point of a "support group", but I thought it was pretty self explanatory.

Ok little miss...

A. I wasn't verbally bashing anyone.

B. Maybe you should do your research because we've all given Witch advice time and time again.

C. Just because it's a "support" group...doesn't mean we should support a person into an early grave.

D. I think that people who make assumptions about what other people think...should think before they type.

You need to watch who you're talking to like that...because Homey don't play that.

Nadine.

Jesique-
I'm not here to be a researcher. I read your response and I thought it was rude and I responded to that, I don't care about your history on this website.

"You need to watch who you're talking to like that...because Homey don't play that."
I need to watch who I'm talking to? That sounds like something a parent or teacher would say. If you're implying that I should respect you I'm sorry but respect is earned. Just as so I'm sure you don't respect me either but I'm not asking you to. Perhaps that was not what you meant at all...
Homey don't play that? Did you mean to say Honey and that was just a typo or were you trying to be funny and say "homie" because teenagers say that? I think you failed to get your point across with that.

Leah...

I wasn't just talking about MY history on this website...I was talking more about the overall history of our support to Witch.

What I was implying by saying that you need to watch who you're talking to...is that I won't stand for your disrespect. I don't stand for it from my 19 year old sister...and I dang sure won't stand for it from you.

Respect should be given to everyone...I was perfectly polite and respectful until you decided to talk down to me. Which I concider very disrespectful.

As for my quote...Homey don't play that....I didn't expect you to understand...as it's before your time. Which means that the only reason my point failed to hit home with you...is because you're not educated enough to know where my quote came from.

It happens to be a favorite quote from a character called Homey D. Clown from a little TV show called "In Living Color."

Nadine.

As for my quote...Homey don't play that....I didn't expect you to understand...as it's before your time. Which means that the only reason my point failed to hit home with you...is because you're not educated enough to know where my quote came from.

It happens to be a favorite quote from a character called Homey D. Clown from a little TV show called "In Living Color."

Nadine.

Might have to jump in on this one - how exactly does not knowing about some random 15 year old TV programme make someone uneducated?

Might have to jump in on this one - how exactly does not knowing about some random 15 year old TV programme make someone uneducated?


Ok...so maybe it doesn't make her uneducated....

but her trying to make me feel stupid because she didn't know where the quote came from....makes her look extremely rude.

And I wouldn't exactly call "In Living Color" some random TV program....it ran for 4 seasons on Fox...was a starting point for ohhhhhhhh....Jamie Foxx, JLo and Jim Carrey....and can now be found not only on DVD but in syndication.

My point is that maybe before purposely trying to make someone look stupid...she should have done a little asking around.

Nadine.

I came across this site, and this particular forum, while google searching "dating your professor" in the hopes of coming across some sort of advice, as I have fallen into the same situation as you, Smitten. I can barely express in words how amazing it is to read the posts from all of you and know that I am not alone in this complicated situation.

Reading has made me realize several things: 1) That I do not need to feel ashamed with regard to my feelings towards my professor; 2) That I am actually lucky and in a relatively good situation, as the age difference between us is significantly less than those others have posted about - I am 20 and he is 34; and 3) It is not necessarily as hopeless and horrible an experience as I thought it was doomed to be.

Thank you again so much, and please feel free to contact me if anyone wishes to commisserate :)

Hey. I've read everything, your posts and responses, and can appreciate everything. I'm 24, and have an awful yearning for my 43 year old professor. He's also my advisor, which doesn't help. We've been enjoying each other's company this summer, and I'm starting to watch his five year old boy on occasion (twice last week). He has stated that he doesn't date students, and for every reason you've already thought of, I understand. Please feel free to read my first post from about a month ago.
I'm a sophomore this fall, and have several more years left, especially if I pick up a second major. The thought of waiting at least three years is rough. I'm trying to settle my heart and mind with the plan to continue the current friendship until I've graduated. Friendships between students and professors is allowable, but I want more.
This man is near perfection, without actually claiming the title. I have gotten to know him on different levels (none being sexual, besides one quick kiss), and have so much admiration for him in and out of the classroom-what he's accomplished in his 43 years, the personality he has, how he intends to raise his child, the amazing intellectually-stimulating outings we've had... the only downfall is the position he holds at the school.
I'm not one to give a damn about how the world views me, but the last thing I want to do is ruin this professor's career. I'm also considering how his ex-wife would perceive him dating a student 20 years his junior, and having that girl (me) have a hand in raising their son. It's quite a predicament, but I don't have to tell you that.
As difficult as it is, both of us should give these relationships time. There's no reason why you can't have coffee with him between classes, or attend an event together. Try and build a friendship with him, and let him get to know you. It could be likely that he has some of the same thoughts, but is wary about the obvious situation. Graduation is the perfect time to let "whatever" blossom, but the wait will be excruciating.
I've come close to spilling the beans on many occasions, but haven't. He already knows that I like him, just not the intensity. I'm the type that must have all her cards out on the table. In order to move beyond any feeling, I need to know what cards the man has. If there could be a chance after graduation, then great. I'll by patience on the black market, if necessary. If not, let me know now, so I can move on.
Anyway, get to know the man behind the desk. Friendship is innocent, and will allow the opportunity for something greater. You seem to be a smart girl, and understand everything you're up against. Tell him that. Let him see the maturity you have. Most college students are still very much just out of high school-I learned this after taking some years off and going back. But a mature adult will handle a relationship like this differently. See what happens, but be prepared for what may not.
If you should figure anything out, or hear amazing advice, let me know.
Good luck ;)

Smitten, you ripped my heart out and opened it up for all to see.


I feel *exactly* the same way.

It's so incredible that there are two of us here at this board who are in a similar boat. Well, three (adriael), but adriael is further on the time lane than the two of us. :)

That makes three of us who are in love with our professors. Although my case is different since I am only a visiting student and only see him a few months a year, I can understand how you feel. I went through horrible agony because my prof felt exactly the same about me as I did about him but was afraid of the age difference. He's in his early 50s and has never married. After much heartache and time, I decided to go for it and we are now dating. You have to make a decision. If you see interest on his part, go for it, but be careful of the school's policies ragarding these matters.

After much heartache and time, I decided to go for it and we are now dating.

Wow, this gives me a little hope...How did you approach your professor and what did you do to get gim into dating? I'm in a similar situation to many people who posted here. I'm waiting until the end of the semester to have a talk with my professor and possibly invite him for dinner or something. I realise this is the only chance I might get to explain myself and I don't want to blow it. Pls help:confused:

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on here, but felt I had to share in this discussion. Its wonderful to know that there are others out there in similar situations, as I definitely feel like I've fumbled through this on my own. I am an older (35) student and have been dating one of my professors, who is 50, for almost 5 months now. We are blissfully happy, madly in love and discussing moving in together.

Here is how it all started: First, we met outside of class, in a outdoors club and soon realized how much we had in common. I invited him on a few trips, and we had a fantastic time together. He was single, obviously interested, but very respectful of our situation and did not make any moves to pursue me. Ethically, it was up to me to make the "first move", which I did! (very scary!) and of course he responded favorably! Meeting outside of the university setting was really important for our relationship, as it was immediately more than just a "student-teacher" attraction, and we had some common ground on which to build a friendship.

I was very concerned at first about HIS reputation, much more than mine. I still feel the risk is much higher for him than for me. However, we are fortunate in that the university we are at has no policy strictly forbidding these relationships, although they are still "frowned upon". We decided the best way to deal with it was to just be open about our relationship, and ensure that he was never responsible for directly assessing my work. This is easily done, and common even for professors that are close friends with some of their students. So far there have been no negative consequences, and in reality its already become "old news" in the gossip circles.

My advice would be to not rule out such a relationship immediately, although each situation is unique. In the end, our titles and professions in life don't really matter, and this is something we have found when we are together. We completely forget that he is the "professor" and I am the "student" because this is just a small part of who we both are.

Good luck to everyone :)

Highwood, thanks for sharing your story. Although I am in a slightly different situation because of the age, it is still great to know that things worked out for you. I wish I had an opportunity to meet my professor outside the class...that would make things so much easier. May I ask what your 'first move' was?