Help With Judgmental Future In-Laws?

What does one do when one is seriously dating a man 13 years older... but his relationship with his family turns out to be very important to him... and his mother (who instantly took a disliking to one, based on a few colorful bumper stickers on one's car) taken upon herself the task of running a tireless, vigorous campaign intended to implant doubt in OM's mind about the health/mutual beneficiality of the relationship, and one's presumed lack of the maturity necessary to maintain a long-term relationship with OM?

Frankly, I am becoming very frustrated with this situation! In the beginning, OM assured me that he was certain his family would gradually come to adore me just as he did, when they "got to know me better." But I am beginning to despair of this ever happening, as we've been going out for roughly a year, I've accompanied him to several family dinners and gatherings, and yet continue to be judged based on a number alone.

:confused:

Hi, by the way :) I'm a newbie here. Just ran across your site tonight. Nice to meet you all, and see I'm not alone!!!

~PandaWarrior

What does one do when one is seriously dating a man 13 years older... but his relationship with his family turns out to be very important to him... and his mother (who instantly took a disliking to one, based on a few colorful bumper stickers on one's car) taken upon herself the task of running a tireless, vigorous campaign intended to implant doubt in OM's mind about the health/mutual beneficiality of the relationship, and one's presumed lack of the maturity necessary to maintain a long-term relationship with OM?

Frankly, I am becoming very frustrated with this situation! In the beginning, OM assured me that he was certain his family would gradually come to adore me just as he did, when they "got to know me better." But I am beginning to despair of this ever happening, as we've been going out for roughly a year, I've accompanied him to several family dinners and gatherings, and yet continue to be judged based on a number alone.

:confused:

Hi, by the way :) I'm a newbie here. Just ran across your site tonight. Nice to meet you all, and see I'm not alone!!!

~PandaWarrior

Panda..they may accept it better over time..in the meantime, try not to worry about it to much...judgemental people are ignorant...and your worrying and getting upset only encourges the ignorance...just be the best you that you can be..if they are decent people..over time they may come to accept you. Good Luck..it's not easy...speaking from experience.

What does one do when one is seriously dating a man 13 years older... but his relationship with his family turns out to be very important to him... and his mother (who instantly took a disliking to one, based on a few colorful bumper stickers on one's car) taken upon herself the task of running a tireless, vigorous campaign intended to implant doubt in OM's mind about the health/mutual beneficiality of the relationship, and one's presumed lack of the maturity necessary to maintain a long-term relationship with OM?

I am going to sound a bit harsh here, but this needs to be said. I don't care how old the man is, there will be some men who act like real "Momma's Boys" and allow their family members to influence them. It is one thing to offer advice, but another to run interference. None of us can predict how a relationship is going to turn out. I had met a woman in 2002 who was the same age as me, but she and I never got off the ground. She was more interested in getting drunk and being with the rowdy crowd than I was. The fact she was divorced and had two teenage boys did not bother me...her lifestyle did. She was a 38-year-old woman with a 17-year-old mind. My mother met this woman, and she was duped as badly as I was. Age is not always an indicator of maturity.

Frankly, I am becoming very frustrated with this situation! In the beginning, OM assured me that he was certain his family would gradually come to adore me just as he did, when they "got to know me better." But I am beginning to despair of this ever happening, as we've been going out for roughly a year, I've accompanied him to several family dinners and gatherings, and yet continue to be judged based on a number alone.

There is going to be a time where you are going to have to confront your boyfriend - alone - and address your feelings to him about his family. He needs to have the fortitude to stand up and let them know that if the two of you decide to get more serious, you will be a part of the family...and they will have to learn to love you for you, not just some number. It is sad that his family judges you solely on a number. They are missing out on a wonderful experience having you in your man's life...and theirs. Once my wife's family got to know me, and saw me helping out around the house, they were more comfortable having me there.

:confused:? - That is quite understandable. But don't lose hope.

Hi, by the way :) I'm a newbie here. Just ran across your site tonight. Nice to meet you all, and see I'm not alone!!!

You are in the right place for this type of situation. We all have been through the mill in some way or another, so feel free to come back anytime. :cool:

Hi there and Welcome To Ageless! I hope to see you stick around!!!!!

Well that must be tough I can honestly say I have had it easy both sides of the family didn't have a problem... Only one was is his family was like i can't believe your having a kid at your age again blah blah.. My husband laughed LOL

Just hang in their... and make sure your OM is making you number one in this.... HE needs to tell his family to back off.... and He may be very close to his family but remember when you marry You will be his WIFE.. and he should be just as close to you!!

When I met my ex-father-in-law, he did not like me. He wanted somebody whiter and meeker. I am not arrogant but I am educated, a professional, and I respect myself.

After almost 2 decades, many social gatherings, and giving him a bright grandson he still did not like me.

Sometimes you click with your in-laws, sometimes you don´t.

On the other hand, my YM's parents (who are both younger than me) accepted me warmly despite the age, racial and cultural differences.

Panda..they may accept it better over time..in the meantime, try not to worry about it to much...judgemental people are ignorant...and your worrying and getting upset only encourges the ignorance...just be the best you that you can be..if they are decent people..over time they may come to accept you. Good Luck..it's not easy...speaking from experience.

I'm a bit of a perfectionist, as they say, and do tend to get hung up on things that bother me or aren't going quite the way I would like. I guess I'll just have to work on going with the flow and focusing on the relationship itself right now. I'm only especially concerned with the issue because my boyfriend brought it up the other day, asking if I would ever feel comfortable with his family and whether I saw it as being a long-term problem. My response was as soon as they stop trying to dissuade you from dating me, I'll probably be FINE with them! (It's really only his mother I'm having the issue with... his father and siblings seem to accept me fine, or keep their opinions to themselves if they don't like me, at any rate...)

Thanks for the advice, KathyW.

I am going to sound a bit harsh here, but this needs to be said. I don't care how old the man is, there will be some men who act like real "Momma's Boys" and allow their family members to influence them. It is one thing to offer advice, but another to run interference. None of us can predict how a relationship is going to turn out. I had met a woman in 2002 who was the same age as me, but she and I never got off the ground. She was more interested in getting drunk and being with the rowdy crowd than I was. The fact she was divorced and had two teenage boys did not bother me...her lifestyle did. She was a 38-year-old woman with a 17-year-old mind. My mother met this woman, and she was duped as badly as I was. Age is not always an indicator of maturity.

Yeah, it's something I'm trying to be mindful of. Remembering that a large part of the responsibility lies with HIM -- and that if I'm not there to defend myself, the boyfriend is a very intelligent self-sufficient adult man, who knows me well enough by this point (virtues as well as flaws) that he should have no difficulty countering his mother's arguments in his own mind. And defending me out loud if need be. I think that my boyfriend is the "last chick" in mother's nest, so to speak, his older and younger sibling having long since married and had children of their own, and that she is clinging to the maternal guardian role a little overly much for that reason. Not saying that she doesn't want the best for OM, but I suspect there are other motivations there too... such as not wanting to be left alone... and not having to develop a new identity for herself. I know exactly what you mean about the age not necessarily being an indicator of maturity, having had similar experiences myself. Thanks for the encouragement, and for sharing your personal story. I'm glad it all worked out in your case, WVDreamer!


~PandaWarrior

Hi there and Welcome To Ageless! I hope to see you stick around!!!!!

Well that must be tough I can honestly say I have had it easy both sides of the family didn't have a problem... Only one was is his family was like i can't believe your having a kid at your age again blah blah.. My husband laughed LOL

Just hang in their... and make sure your OM is making you number one in this.... HE needs to tell his family to back off.... and He may be very close to his family but remember when you marry You will be his WIFE.. and he should be just as close to you!!


Thanks for the support and advice, Meralove. I know that in the end it's going to come down to BF making the decision to stick up for me and asking his mother to refrain from making negative comments about our relationship, but it's a hard thing for me to ask him to do. I don't want to come off looking like "the bad guy," if you know what I mean, or looking like I don't respect the other relationships that are important to him! I have to be careful about how I phrase things, because after all, this is his mother we're talking about, and he's probably going to love her no matter what -- even if she is overbearing at times. And I guess I need to accept that just as much as she needs to learn to accept that I am going to be a part of his life for the foreseeable future.

P.S., congratulations on your new little bundle of joy!

~PandaWarrior

When I met my ex-father-in-law, he did not like me. He wanted somebody whiter and meeker. I am not arrogant but I am educated, a professional, and I respect myself. After almost 2 decades, many social gatherings, and giving him a bright grandson he still did not like me. Sometimes you click with your in-laws, sometimes you don´t. On the other hand, my YM's parents (who are both younger than me) accepted me warmly despite the age, racial and cultural differences.


I'm glad it's working out for you. Thanks for sharing.

Regarding racial issues, my brother is marrying a woman of a different ethnicity in August, and I'm a little worried that my father is going to humiliate the whole family (not to mention make her feel very awkward and uncomfortable) by making some racially insensitive joke or something at the wedding! It's always tough with families... too bad the only person's "behavior" you can ever really control is your own!

~PandaWarrior