Interesting Pattern - Anything to It?

I've noticed something about the last 3 YM that I've had encounters with. Men who I've talked to who expressed an interest in me. All of them, including the man I'm seeing now, left their parents early in life - age 16 or 17 - and not under good circumstances. These guys are now in their mid to late 20's.

Anyone care to comment?

Maybe it means they grew up fast. Maybe it means that they were out in the world having sex with older women during their formative years. Maybe it means they long for a stable relationship. Maybe it means they don't feel that they have a lot in common with women their age.

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

I've noticed that the guys I end up being with for long-term relationships all have similar families.

Not mine... varying ages, varying family structures. My first hubby's family is a LOT like mine. VERY close. My second hubby's family could care less if they didn't speak to each other for 6-12 months at a time. NO value placed on family. None.

Litical's an only child and very close to his parents and grandparents, and for that, I am truly grateful.
~phos

Missing the Momma!! HONK HONK!! :eek: :p :D

Younger Husband here...

I moved from my parents house in with my wife about 8 months before we got married. I was 33 at the time.

I've noticed that the guys I end up being with for long-term relationships all have similar families.

My guy still lives with his mother and grandma and they take care of him in every way...he doesn't have to cook, clean or do laundry, drive anyplace or pay for anything.

He has had some other life experience that provided some wisdom though, such as dealing with the loss of a parent and being exposed to bullying in school.

Your pattern doesn't match with my guy, and he wants to be married and have a long term relationship together with me (and I with him :P)

I guess there are exceptions to the rule. BTW, I left home at 17, bought my first house at 18 with a boyfriend and have lived in about 30 homes, attended 13 schools and fit your description of the pattern better than my guy! :)

This doesn't help at all...but when Pink Cat said her guys all had similar families, it reminded me - the "long term" men I've been with have all had different family dynamics...but the odd thing is, the last *4* of these guys (including the present one <3) had brothers but no sisters! Isn't that weird?

And 3 of these have only one brother, at that. One had 2 brothers. (So I haven't had a "sister in law" for at least 20 years, besides the wife of one of my brothers, and they live far away from us.)

What's up with that??

My YM left home young too and has been on his own for a few years now and he's 23. He says he's close to his family, but I've seen him cry after speaking to his dad. Definitely issues there.

Missing the Momma!! HONK HONK!! :eek: :p :D

That's one thought that crossed my mind

And, then there's the flip side: You have a pattern of picking men like this.

A good therapist, like we all are here (eh-hem), will always tell you to look at yourself first.

I'm not saying this like I come from some lofty place, but after much therapy for childhood events, I see a pattern with the people I pick. Most of them, regardless of age, need help - either because they have problems in life or they just can't get their lives together. Initially I must get kicks out of helping, then I resent it when they don't take hold of their lives.

I think it's interesting that I don't appeal to men my age and I'm not particularly attracted to them either.

I have my antenae up over this attraction to needy men because I'd really like to end this cycle. The age thing is another thing but I'm presuming it's part of it even if there aren't a lot of other obvious problems. I think I know the answers to this, it has to do with being in control and not having to accept someone else's help - or what I interpret as 'help'.

And, then there's the flip side: You have a pattern of picking men like this.

A good therapist, like we all are here (eh-hem), will always tell you to look at yourself first.

I'm not saying this like I come from some lofty place, but after much therapy for childhood events, I see a pattern with the people I pick. Most of them, regardless of age, need help - either because they have problems in life or they just can't get their lives together. Initially I must get kicks out of helping, then I resent it when they don't take hold of their lives.

I think it's interesting that I don't appeal to men my age and I'm not particularly attracted to them either.

I have my antenae up over this attraction to needy men because I'd really like to end this cycle. The age thing is another thing but I'm presuming it's part of it even if there aren't a lot of other obvious problems. I think I know the answers to this, it has to do with being in control and not having to accept someone else's help - or what I interpret as 'help'.
I agree with everything you've said here. Lord knows I've had my share of therapy and will probably have more in the future, and I'm still picking the wrong ones. . .

I too was wondering what is it about someone's personality that makes them always pick the guys that are in need. Or the guys that need to be fixed.

I've heard it was the females need to control also I've heard it was the females desire to make the man into the man that she wants. Yet when he becomes that man, she no longer wants him and finds fault in him.

Is this type of relationship more prevelant in OW/YM relationships??


My ex- came from a large family and was the baby of the family. My y/m
comes from the same size family but is the oldest. They have similar personality traits and their families are alike in many ways.

My other meaningful relationship was with a man that was an only child.

Go figure...

I too was wondering what is it about someone's personality that makes them always pick the guys that are in need. Or the guys that need to be fixed.

I've heard it was the females need to control also I've heard it was the females desire to make the man into the man that she wants. Yet when he becomes that man, she no longer wants him and finds fault in him.

Is this type of relationship more prevelant in OW/YM relationships??


My ex- came from a large family and was the baby of the family. My y/m
comes from the same size family but is the oldest. They have similar personality traits and their families are alike in many ways.

My other meaningful relationship was with a man that was an only child.

Go figure...
My personal experience with my ex-husband is that you can't change them. I never really realized what I was doing until I actually asked for a divorce. I realized I had been trying to change him. Totally unfair to him and kinda nutty of me. So, at least I know I can't change them now, although I'm still picking the same kinda guys. Honestly, I think successful men intimidate me because as a child I was intimidated by men, espcially my father who bellowed and hollered and used a belt on us. The other part about picking the same kind of men now is that it's what I'm used to, even if it's not functional. That's the way I lived with my ex-husband for 28 years, so it feels familiar. Funny how we can know all these things about ourselves but still can't quite make things happen differently.

In my case I didnt want to fix or correct my ex. He was my first so I didnt recognize that he had issues until the marriage was over.

With the other guy I dated, we were the same age, but he always needed "fixing". He didnt have his life in order and at times I thought it was my responsibility to change him. After being off and on with him for a year, I decided that I couldnt fix him and left the relationship.

A lot of what I see in my y/m is his lack of life experience. Its not that he needs to be changed, its just that he hasn't had the responsibility or experience before. At times its easy to confuse his lack of experience with change/fixing. We've had situations where he will seek advice from me, but yet make a different decision and it turned out bad. To me this is lack of experience and hopefully in the future he'll make a different decision if the same situation comes up.

In some situations when dealing with y/m they require a lot more patience and understanding due to their lack of life experience.

My guy still lives with his parents and yonger sister, but he pays rent, buys and makes his own food and washes his own laundery... :D

joels....my guy does all of that, but the cooking. The man really cant cook. He can microwave the heck out a micro-wave meal :)

Maybe it means they grew up fast. Maybe it means that they were out in the world having sex with older women during their formative years. Maybe it means they long for a stable relationship. Maybe it means they don't feel that they have a lot in common with women their age.

Maybe it's just a coincidence.

Chatterbox,

It COULD mean alot of things, but yeah, Phil's situation is not dissimilar to what Deb describes. I think it means they had to grow up fast. It's not always a bad thing.

Hmm interesting topic. Looking back at my ex's family life, lots of hollering, whipping the kids, no encouragement, drinking... yeah, the pattern carried over to my ex.

My present mate came from a family where there wasn't much love given, he'd lost his mother early on, yet in our relationship he latched on big time to me. I wondered at first if it could be the need to be mothered, but as time has passed I realize it isn't that at all. He's a deeply sensitive ym who happens to have his priorities all in order. I rarely ever see confusion in him. He is nothing like his family, and doesn't express much interest in contacting any of them. He says we are his family.