New, and Hoping for Your Help!

Hello - I'm SO glad to have found this site - it may be exactly what I need, and not a moment too soon!
I believe I'm both very much like other posters here, and very different. Alike, in that I have a history of relationships with younger men, and "issues" about that - and different, because I'm living in a country with a culture which is in most respects very unlike that of the U.S. I was born and raised in the United States, and have a U.S. passport; I have a multicultural, Christian/Muslim/Jewish background, and much of my adult life has been divided between the U.S. and several other countries (all "Third World"). I teach internationally, and (most of the time) love living the life of an expat. I tend to heavily assimilate into the culture of whatever country I'm in - for me, doing so is a pivotal part of the joy of learning about the world.

Anyways, I just turned 51, and from the age of thirty on, all my relationships (including a marriage) have been with younger men. That hasn't been by design - just seems to have happened that way, and I've had something of a complex about it. I've sometimes wondered what must be "wrong" with me if I'm only "able" to end up with younger guys. They seem to be the ones who pay attention to me, more than men my age or older. I'm one of those people who often gets told that I look years younger than I am, but that doesn't solve any mysteries - as members of this site so well know, it's not likely that older men are rejecting me because they're mistaking me for someone "too young" for them! Meanwhile, some of my female friends have told me to not worry about the whys behind the phenomenon, but to just relax and enjoy it. (Reading the threads on this site have helped a lot with that...) Other, more traditional people have made the usual comments or hints about cradle-robbing or Oedipus complexes, but not often, at least not in the U.S. I usually hid the fact of the 15-year age difference between my ex-husband and me, otherwise I might have encountered more gossip and censure, especially in his home country. (I met and married him while working there.) Since we stayed together for 9 years - most of them happy ones - and lived part of that time outside the U.S., I don't believe he married me solely to obtain a green card - it seemed apparent to all that he genuinely loved me. Nevertheless, I have a lot to say about the subject of young men in poor countries essentially preying on older, lonely, western women in order to emigrate via marriage - but that's a whole separate thread...

Since moving from the U.S. to this country a year ago, I've continued in my pattern - again, not deliberately, it just seems to have worked out that way. I wanted to start interacting with men closer to my own age just to prove to myself that I could, and that there wasn't anything "wrong" with me. But, I developed a friendship, and ultimately a romance, with a local resident 15 years my junior. He's educated, fun, kind, well established, and has no interest in moving from this country to the U.S., so I don't fear that he's trying to use me. But he's also been rather neglectful as of late (I think HE has unvoiced issues about our age gap), and he seems to view life in a very different way from me. He's very pragmatic and unsentimental - it appears that his business will always come first - while I'm very romantic, affectionate, and sensitive...

One month ago, while traveling for work within the country, I met another man who seems to be absolutely smitten with me, much to my puzzlement. This guy is much more like me in personality type and attitude - very romantic, warm, and sentimental, with similar interests and outlook. He calls, emails, or text messages me daily, and recently drove several hundred miles over rough terrain to visit me, talk with me, and have restaurant lunches and dinners together. (He didn't stay with me - we haven't started a "relationship" of that sort.) So what could be wrong? He's 24 years younger than me, and the biggest gap I've ever dealt with is 15 years. I'm not worried about him trying to use me for an emigration marriage, because we've been very open in discussing this issue - he doesn't feel a need or desire to leave this country - he loves it, and also has a business here - and in any case, I would cut off the relationship at the first sign of being used in such a way. I DO have insecurities about how we'd be perceived as a couple - he's VERY handsome, and while I regard myself in a not-bad-for-my-age light, I fear having that what's-he-doing-with-me-when-he-could-be-with-a-gorgeous-young-thing feeling. He seems to very much want a serious relationship, and says I shouldn't care what others think, that he never does as long as he knows what he's doing is right for him, and won't hurt others (an unusual attitude in this traditional culture.) He says that he thinks I'm very beautiful, just his type; that he'd choose me out of a line of 22-year-old girls any day; that in any case, his attraction for me is based on much more important things, like my way of thinking, interests, etc. He seems to regard our meeting in a very spiritual light - says that God put me in his path, that he's been searching for someone just like me, that when he met me, he "knew", etc. I've been very cynical about all this, and VERY cautious. (It's taken me several years to heal from the emotional scars of my unexpected and unwanted divorce - during that time, I avoided relationships, and had only resumed a romantic life of sorts a few months ago, with the above-mentioned local, 15 years younger, not-very- sentimental man.) But, damn it feels good to be adored!!! My initial resistance to this new, 24 years younger man is wearing thin - a little voice in my heart tells me that I should relax and treat myself to some loving attention and pleasure. God knows I'm not looking for a marriage partner (the marriage described above was my second), and at my age, reproduction is obviously out of the picture. So, I don't need perfect husband material, just someone with whom I can feel cherished and relaxed... But all the "shoulds and shouldn'ts" are clamoring for attention, too... When I emailed my best female friend in the U.S. about this, she was appalled - seemed to think I was crazy. She's 54, with a 26-year-old son, and she didn't have a problem with the 15-year age gap between me and my ex-husband. Is she freaking out at least partially because I'm now talking about a guy who's only a year older than her son? She refers to both of them as "practically teenagers". (At the risk of sounding like I'm trying to justify things, I might add that her son is a pampered, lazy, sheltered, upper-class kid, while my potential love interest was born poor, has been working hard since he was very young, taught himself a lot, and has overcome many obstacles. He seems light years more mature than her son.) My friend thinks I should stick with the Mr. Not-So-Right - even though it's increasingly clear that he and I aren't particularly compatible - and "run like hell" from this new guy, keeping my eyes open all the while for someone "appropriate". She believes I'm merely intoxicated by the flattery of this new guy's attention while in an exotic locale - that I need to come back down to earth and be sensible... In a few days I'll begin a vacation period, and this new man hopes I will spend at least part of it with him, so this is a PRESSING issue!

I know this is an AWFULLY long posting - please forgive me for running off at the mouth/keyboard - guess I'm just so excited to find a group with whom I can communicate about this subject in an honest way, without fearing harsh judgement! I'll appreciate any feedback - thank you!

Hi and welcome to Ageless!

Seriously, you must break giant paragraphs into smaller ones; it can make people seasick trying to read them!

On to the question at hand. For some reason it wouldn't bother me at all how much younger than me a man was, as long as he was an adult. I also couldn't care less what anyone else thinks. If we have a good relationship and keep the lines of communication open, they will come round eventually if they care about us.

It's always good to keep part of your brain on high alert with a new relationship regardless of the age or nationality of your new love. But don't let that keep you from going forward with something wonderful. I've been through heartbreak but I try not to ever let fear (of what people think, of having my heart broken) be the driving force in my relationships. Be careful but don't be afraid to love!

When you have more questions, post in the relationship section of OW/YM and ask for feedback. Meanwhile, good luck and remember the paragraph breaks!

Hello and welcome, I am glad you have found a young man who is smitten with you and makes you happy. Although western women do not think of themselves as "exotic", believe me you are exotic in some countries and that is a HUGE magnet.

You will love this site.

Thanks for the welcome. Inamorata, sorry that you found my posting so irritating to wade through. I'm perfectly capable of structuring paragraphs properly, I assure you, but wasn't worrying about it too much yesterday. Trying to write anything even vaguely comprehensible while battling the flu wasn't easy - I just went for the stream-of-consciuosness route, I guess.

Re. not worrying about what others think, that's much easier to pull off in North America than in many other parts of the world. What might be considered only our own affair (pun intended) in the western world is viewed as a public concern in many other cultures, particularly if one teaches young people. Finding the balance between maintaining a standard of propriety that keeps the locals content, and having a life of one's own, can be very tough.

Sheila4pd, I appreciate your kind words. As for being an "exotic" westerner, after intermittent years of overseas life, I'm certainly well aware of this phenomenon. I'm not as big a draw as, say, blondes are in the Middle East and Asia - my particular racial mix has given me light skin with black hair, so I'm more likely to visually "fade into" the local scene in many countries. I find this very handy most of the time. Nevertheless, I've still dealt very often with the phenomenon of being assumed to be a "hot momma" simply by virtue of my U.S. passport - movies and television convey promiscuity stereotypes about western women that aren't welcome (to me), to say the least. (When men find out that my background has strong Islamic elements, that tends to slow them down!) That being said, if I'm really honest with myself, I have to admit that I prefer the attention to being invisible - I often feel the latter in the U.S.

I guess you have the right idea - if the phenomenon is going to be there anyway, why not relax and enjoy it as a plus? :p

Yes, I think (hope!) I'll love this site. For obvious reasons, I'll be found in the older woman/younger man section from now on - hope to meet with you there!

Welcome OverseasGirl! I am going to go ahead and move your thread to the OW/YM Relationship Support section where you will probably receive more responses.

I, too, am a US citizen involved in a relationship with a younger man from another country. It's quite challenging and I understand the worries that you feel.

Just follow your heart. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. And if it is, then don't let the age gap get in your way. Come here and post anytime you want about any concern that you have. You'll find a lot of wonderful people here with loads of excellent advice.

Yikes, Overseas.


I also got myself into a relationship with someone 25 years younger, also from another culture and country - so we have some common ground there. He's gone home for a while so I can just relax and think for a few months (if it survives the absense). I am also one of those people who others think I look much younger than I am (50) and I don't attract men my age either. Currently, my thinking is this: I've been in some seriously lousy relationships in my life - if this one offers me some sincere love and affection, I may just take it for as long as it lasts.

I believe what is really pressing (and stressing) is the fact that you are in another somewhat unsatisfactory relationship and you may be comparing. Actually you did say that in there. You're not just dealing with the fact that this guy is so young but that you are considering breaking-up to be with someone who brings this age-gap apprehension. I guess you might have to treat each one separately, as hard as it is to do. The man you're with now: Are you satisfied with him? Do you see it lasting? If this other guy weren't in the picture, would you continue it? Is it worth saving that relationship?

If you think this isn't the love of your life and it's truly unsatisfying in other aspects, maybe it is time to move on. Then you can deal with this younger one when you clear your plate.

I have a hard time with the big age gap, by the way. Most of my friends think I'm nuts, they just get this smile on their face like they think I'm into wild sex - it's unimaginable for them to think we actually have anything to talk about. For me the relationship is too new. I've also been showered with attention, affection - all that feels so good. There wasn't enough time before he left for anything age-gap related to happen.

Hang in there - we'll talk.

Thanks for the warm welcome. I definitely have some things in common with both of you, and it feels SO good to have you across the (cyber)table from me!

Ruthie, I had been strongly considering ending the relationship I currently have - and I think that may have worked itself out, anyways. I think that whatever we had may have been ended recently - I got tired of his lack of consideration and attention, and had an arguement with him - we haven't had contact for over a week now. (That's significant, because we live in the same small town, and usually talk and or see each other at least every couple of days.) I intend to seek him out this afternoon and at least try to mend some fences, if for no other reason than it's terribly awkward to not speak to someone who's always just down the street from you.

But would I want to try to resume a romance, if that is indeed still possible? I think not. If he suddenly became much more effusive and loving, it might tip the balance - after all, he is "geographically desirable", intellectually stimulating, has good morals, and is generally a nice person. He was also the man who thawed my heart after a terrible divorce - the one who reintroduced me to tender lovemaking after my two years of self-imposed celibacy. (However, that lovemaking was PHYSICALLY tender only - some people seem forever unable or unwilling to express tenderness verbally, and that was the case here. I NEED verbal expressions of affection, too!) I'm talking in the past tense here, because our sex life seemed to just fall off to practicaaly nothing a few weeks ago, and when I tried to talk about it a couple of times, he evaded the issue. He claims to be suddenly, critically overwhelmed by work these past few weeks, but I think he's hiding behind that, due to unexpressed, age-related conflicts he has over our relationship. (I think the fact that I'm beyond the age of motherhood is a big deal to him, even if he doesn't articulate that.) I've told myself to seek only the company of those who clearly want to be with me as much as I want to be with them - I need to care for my self-esteem! This man, who used to call and see me daily, had gotten to a point where he would call every couple of days, and would give me the feeling that he was "squeezing me in" when he would spend time with me. It's not so much that he treats me out-and-out badly - he doesn't - it's more that he's neglectful and not warm and open enough. Perhaps he'd be "enough" for some women, but I need more.

In contrast, my new potential love interest communicates almost daily, even though he lives 400 kilometers away, even though our phone connection is often dicey. (I already talked about how he rode many miles just to have meals and conversation with me - something the man described above would NEVER do.) He is both physically and verbally affectionate, and always tells me how much he misses me.

While I dislike the fact that the age gap with the newer guy is even bigger than that with the current man, it seems like the younger of the two is in fact more mature - or, perhaps more accurately, less conflicted. I love having someone be straightforwardly, unabashedly taken with me, and seeming to have not the least bit of conflict within himself over wanting me. Whatever arguements I've presented to him against our starting a relationship, he has a counterarguement - says he feels very, very sure about me, and just hopes that over time, he can get me to relax and trust him.

Well...? :rolleyes:

Hi. I'm 25 and my g/f is 43, so whilst we don't have a 25 year gap, it's still quite big! There's a few things I can say to you about different things and it might be helpful to you to hear them from a ym:

He's educated, fun, kind, well established, and has no interest in moving from this country to the U.S., so I don't fear that he's trying to use me. But he's also been rather neglectful as of late (I think HE has unvoiced issues about our age gap), and he seems to view life in a very different way from me. He's very pragmatic and unsentimental - it appears that his business will always come first - while I'm very romantic, affectionate, and sensitive...

It sounds from this that you know yourself that the guy you are with at the moment is not the right one for you. I'm quite like yourself, though I'm not sure about being romantic, you'd have to ask my g/f! But, anyway, I could not be in a relationship where I felt second to the other persons work either.

I DO have insecurities about how we'd be perceived as a couple - he's VERY handsome, and while I regard myself in a not-bad-for-my-age light, I fear having that what's-he-doing-with-me-when-he-could-be-with-a-gorgeous-young-thing feeling.

Believe me, my g/f had the same kind of feelings. I have to remind her sometimes that I wonder the same thing about her... whether I deserve to be with her or not, or could she do better? This guy probably thinks the same things.

Is she freaking out at least partially because I'm now talking about a guy who's only a year older than her son? She refers to both of them as "practically teenagers".

That is a possibility, definitely. As for being 'practically teenagers'... well, you said that this new guy owns his own business right? Well, I would think that to run your own business effectively you would have to be just a little bit more mature than a teenager. I would actually be quite offended if someone referred to me as being practically a teenager and as I said, I'm 25, so a similar age.

She believes I'm merely intoxicated by the flattery of this new guy's attention while in an exotic locale - that I need to come back down to earth and be sensible... In a few days I'll begin a vacation period, and this new man hopes I will spend at least part of it with him, so this is a PRESSING issue!


Well, the only thing I can say here is that it is a possibility, and the only person who really knows if this is tru or not is yourself. Be completely honest with yourself and think this through. I know that my g/f had similar things said to her, but I trusted that she knows her mind better than anyone else does and could answer that question honestly. We're still together over a year later. :)

I hope things work out for you.