whats goin on

Hi. Iam back again with another problem.No one to talk to but you. Need help. We been together a year now. And were living together now. He got a new job last Feburary and works twelve hour days. Some weekends oiff. We are harldy intamate any more lucky if its once amonth. You know when you have that gut feeling theres some one else. I asked him and he gets very defense. I dont know where to go from here. I spent ten years of twenty two married to a cheater. I dont want to go through that again. But i dont want to be alone. Please help

Judith,
I know that "gut feeling" too well. And when they get defensive its a definite sign along with other signs.
I dont suggest you act on your feeling only tho. Because you probably will always wonder afterward whether you were right or not, whether you made the right choice or not.
My suggestion is to talk to him more about it. It has to come out somehow.
I dont have a specific way of going as each person is different but please dont stay like this. Its torture.
If you need to talk more, you can write me.
good vibes to you
Faith

Thank you for being honest.

Judith ~

In my opinion, being 'alone' is better than being with someone who is being unfaithful to you. I'd rather be dating and/or hanging with my friends than worrying about being cheated on.

I can't tell you how to handle the situation in your own home but with some thought, I'm sure you can figure out a way to do so.

Trust your gut.

I didn't. But I will in the future because I learned the hard way just how 'on the money' my gut feelings actually were. Amazingly so, in fact.

It's hard to learn to trust our gut feelings because the world often waves their 'whatever' hands at intuition, and (a lot of) men try to make us feel 'paranoid' when we (women) try to actively listen to our gut feelings.

I'm not saying that he IS cheating on you. I'm just saying to take some quiet time to have a conversation with your intuition.

SG

I can't tell you if the is cheating or not... but buttom line you are feeling hurt (and with good reason) ask him what is wrong, tell him how you feel and if he still does nothing about it... drop him! (unless he has a condition that is)

I know that this sounds rough, but you are just feeling hurt from this... Don't you think that you deserve better?

And when they get defensive its a definite sign along with other signs.


I'm just wondering... how exactly would you expect a guy to react if they were asked whether they were cheating, even if they weren't? I have to say I would be quite upset!

I'm just wondering... how exactly would you expect a guy to react if they were asked whether they were cheating, even if they weren't? I have to say I would be quite upset!

I have to agree with Rob here, I would be defensive too. I'd also like to say that my ex-husband cheated and he was cool as a cucumber whenever I asked him about it. He was never defensive, not once. He always had some plausible explanation, which made perfect sense.*shrugs* Some people behave differently.

What is something to take notice of is your 'gut feeling'. Gut feelings are usually happening for some reason and while it may not be because he's being unfaithful as it is that you're growing apart and need some time together in order to rekindle things. But talking to him is still the best solution.

Good luck and God bless.

I'm just wondering... how exactly would you expect a guy to react if they were asked whether they were cheating, even if they weren't? I have to say I would be quite upset!


Hmm, I have to agree. To NOT get defensive, to remain calm would not seem 'normal' to me. I'd be pretty unhappy about being wrongly accused (been there, almost married that a few years ago).

But then, after the initial 'shock' of being accused...if the relationship were important to you...wouldn't you try to figure out how to make the situation better?

I mean, if my SO thought I was being unfaithful, I'd want to figure out why they thought this and I'd really try to see if I was acting in a way that put 'distance' between us.

And, like Sdoah said: Some people behave differently. And it's been found that some liars do remain completely calm while being confronted and while lying.

Calm, not calm...not necessarily the best discriminator of lying or telling the truth.

Hmm, I have to agree. To NOT get defensive, to remain calm would not seem 'normal' to me. I'd be pretty happy about being wrongly accused (been there, almost married that a few years ago).

But then, after the initial 'shock' of being accused...if the relationship were important to you...wouldn't you try to figure out how to make the situation better?

I mean, if my SO thought I was being unfaithful, I'd want to figure out why they thought this and I'd really try to see if I was acting in a way that put 'distance' between us.

And, like Sdoah said: Some people behave differently. And it's been found that some liars do remain completely calm while being confronted and while lying.

Calm, not calm...not necessarily the best discriminator of lying or telling the truth.

Yes, exactly. I'd like to think that I would not get a bit annoyed and defensive and would be looking to find out what the underlying problem is right away. But... we all know you don't always act like you would like to think you would when actually put into the situation for real.

But, definitely, aftre the shock and hirt of being accused, you'd have to be wondering why your g/f or b/f asked you in the first place and try and sort it out.

Hi. Iam back again with another problem.No one to talk to but you. Need help. We been together a year now. And were living together now. He got a new job last Feburary and works twelve hour days. Some weekends oiff. We are harldy intamate any more lucky if its once amonth. You know when you have that gut feeling theres some one else. I asked him and he gets very defense. I dont know where to go from here. I spent ten years of twenty two married to a cheater. I dont want to go through that again. But i dont want to be alone. Please help

Hi Judith. :) I think the core issue here is the fear of being alone. Believe me, I know how you feel and I think that most of us humans don't like being alone, so you're not alone in that! In addition, it is precisely that relationship, the one with yourself, that is so very important. We ALL have to find joy within ourselves, explore and find our purpose. We cannot find our worth and security in someone else and it is so easy to do, to get all wrapped up in someone and lose yourself. So, start looking back into those things that you love. All life is important. If you have a feeling that this guy is taking advantage of you, if it were me, I'd want some space so I could find myself again. Are you able to move out on your own for awhile to sort things out? I think you will regain some of your strength and certainly it would wake up your friend. This is all only just my opinion...but I wish you well and that you find your strength again.

I'm just wondering... how exactly would you expect a guy to react if they were asked whether they were cheating, even if they weren't? I have to say I would be quite upset!


Maybe I should of add "from my own experience". but...
"If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing"
That is my opinion.
:cool:

We can't really give an exact explanation on why he got defensive because not everyone would react with the same manner in that situation.
Find out more about it, but don't make any conclusion yet until you find out some tangible clues. Checkout his clothes, his schedule...etc. if he's doing it, you will find out, he can't hide that long if he did it.
Although, once a month is fair to be suspicious about.
Hope things goes well.

Hi Judith,

When I was in my late twenties, my bf was a Chef and he worked shifts similar to what your bf does....often 12 hour shifts around 5-6 times week including weekends. I can confirm that our sex life did suffer because of his working hours....it dwindled down to about once a month even though he was 6 years younger than me. He didn't cheat for the first four years of this, but we drifted apart.

Seems to me like the problem isn't necessarily that he's cheating, but that his work schedule is ripping all the intimacy and "you time" out of the relationship and that's a problem in and of itself. Since you can't prove the cheating and you can prove the lack of time spent together, why not shift the conversation to the problem you know you're having (no time and no sex) and see if that can become a less defensive and more productive conversation.

If it isn't, then honestly you might as well be alone. If he's going to work 12 hour days and you have no intimate life together, then what exactly is the difference?

I'd hire a private investigator. Once you have the results from that, you can take appropriate action (if any).

Why torture yourself?

Hi. Iam back again with another problem.No one to talk to but you. Need help. We been together a year now. And were living together now. He got a new job last Feburary and works twelve hour days. Some weekends oiff. We are harldy intamate any more lucky if its once amonth. You know when you have that gut feeling theres some one else. I asked him and he gets very defense. I dont know where to go from here. I spent ten years of twenty two married to a cheater. I dont want to go through that again. But i dont want to be alone. Please help

Hi Juds......

I think you should perhaps play the detective for a little while......

Listen to all the 'signs'......If there ARE any.....

No More Asking.....If you really really 'feel' this is happening.......

But then reading what you have just said for the 3rd time......LoL.....No Intimacy?????......THIS Alone is not a good sign......You guys need to talk.....

No-one to talk to but US......))))))wrong(((((.....Theres HIM Juds......Sit and talk, properly......Go out to dinner or something......Or spend the Day together....

You need to sort this out.......and it need to be in a way.......where the conversation is flowing......Don't concentrate on the 'Other'.....(if there is or isn't one.....who knows???)......Focus, on the 'no intimacy' problem......Cos it IS a problem........If you are not happy.....theres no use in continuing the way you are.....GoodLuck with it......:)