Is This Going Nowhere?

It's me, back again. In need of some new advice. The last time I wrote something in this forum it was about a different ym, but this time it's someone else but honestly, not that much different of a situation. I keep dating the same men over and over again, this much has become obvious :-) There is another thread about that somewhere, I think I saw it earlier. It's amazing to me how each of my relationships seem to be with the same type of guy. I know how to pick em, no doubt about that.

I will try to make this as brief as possible because my posts do tend to get wordy at times...but I don't want to leave out any important facts here. First of all, I am 44 years old, and the ym I am seeing is 24. We met about a month ago and have been talking on the phone/via AIM every day since that time and have had several dates in that time frame as well. When we first met, he struck me as being very much emotionally closed down...he seemed willing to allow someone to get close to him in a sexual way, but NOT an emotional way. In short, this boy has problems with opening his heart to receive and give love.

I saw this early on...so it's not a surprise that it's back now to cause problems. I thought at first it was because we didn't know each other well enough for him to open up...and that given time and more physical intimacy, he would open up more to me. Well as we got to know each other better, he did tell me about a very sad situation that happened about four years ago... (a long time in the life of a 24 year old). He was in a serious relationship with his high-school sweetheart and they got engaged after graduating together from high school, and for a couple years, things were okay and they had set a date to get married.

Then tragedy struck when she deceived him by going behind his back and cheating on him with his best friend. He apparently found this out in a second-hand way and it caused them to break up, and him to go into emotional shutdown mode. At 20 years of age, I can understand how deeply this sort of deception can hurt someone...and then only one year ago this ym also had the unfortunate situation to cope with in which his 45-year old mother suddenly passed away from a massive heart attack due to prolonged drug abuse. He avoids talking about this also and I do not believe he has ever really allowed himself to grieve over it.

He says he has been shut down pretty much since him and his fiance broke up four years ago. He has dated two other women/girls in that time and both were short-term affairs that did not develop into a real relationship (probably due to him not opening up to THEM either).

Last weekend I put my cards out on the table about "us" and he pretty much told me that he is at a crossroads in his life right now. He has what he calls a "dead end job" at a mass retail chain, he is broke again the day after payday comes along, and he is not happy generally with his life and very unhappy with his (lack of) a career. He also told me during our "us talk" that he is thinking seriously about going to Iraq for a year to work as a defense contractor in order to get some serious money to pay off his car and get ahead a little bit. He also cited this fact as one of the reasons he fears a relationship between us won't work out.

I personally feel that our relationship could work out, maybe not forever but for the short term. After we had this "talk" last weekend I felt like we had broken up...yet each and every day this ym looks for me on AIM and instant messages me and chats with me for hours...just like we did when we were dating. He is SO closed down emotionally, and I'm not sure if he is willing to allow me to "go there" and help him open up.

I want to very much. I care a great deal about this man, but at the same time I don't want to put time and effort into something that is only going to end up with us getting absolutely nowhere. He is not someone who talks easily about anything to do with feelings and emotions, in fact, he is guarding that part of himself in a very profound way so having a "heart to heart" talk with him is a lot easier in theory but near impossible in practice.

Help!

I think we're seeing the same guy - lol. My guy had a bad break up at about 19 or 20 with a high school girlfriend. His mother is an alcoholic, although now in recovery. He's working part time as a bouncer at a dance club (also attending school) and he's thinking about going over to Iraq on contract work for a year to make some fast cash.

Like you I've been struggling with my place in his life. I'm not sure what he thinks the future holds for our relationship or if he even thinks past the next time we're going to see each other. He lives very very much in the here and now. On the other hand I would like to know what my plans are going to be for the rest of my life. Not that I'm inflexible, plans can and do have to be changed, but I feel aimless without a plan.

I've mentioned the future to him a few times but I get vague ambiguous responses from him. I've been posting here on this (Thinking of Ending It) and have gotten some good feedback for both sides of the argument - staying and going. You might want to check it out.

Sorry - no advice here - just commiseration

Oh boy! When I was 22, I met a man in Californian who was 28 at the time. He had recently had an awful break up. He was with a Japanese woman who used to be a musician in his band. One day her parents in Tokyo found her a husband, she left and he never heard from her again. He was shattered.

Him and I ended up falling in love. He couldn't open up, he couldn't make up his mind and was unhappy about his career, actually he had no career at all. We stayed together off and on for about 10 years between my two marriages and his little flings from time to time.

I had and still have a career and at some point my sallary was so high (not anymore) that I could afford to take care of him. I suggested that I'd buy a house and he could live with me. He freaked out and ran in the opposite direction.

He is 46 now, he does open up but he still has not decided what he wants to do in life even though he recently got his BA from Berkeley.

We are great friends and as strange as this might sound, we have half-jokingly decided to get married in the year 2024. Everyone who knows us thinks that we are just born for each other but we both know that we cannot be together because we will for sure tear each other into pieces. So the idea is that by the year 2024, we will both be old enough not to care abour careers or decisions anymore LOL. Of course it's more of a joke than anything else.

All of this to say that most people NEVER change. I really do not believe that anyone can truly help another person who does not want to help himself. Some do get into the wrong relationship unknowingly, but if the same situation repeats itself time after time, it is a good thing to stop and ask ourselves deep, honest questions. And believe me it is not easy to be honest with ourselves, it's even VERY hard.

I don't want to put time and effort into something that is only going to end up with us getting absolutely nowhere.

This is exactly what I see happening.

Diabra, since you haven't yet figured out why you keep going for the emotionally unavailable type...maybe it's time you looked into that. Otherwise, you'll keep running into the same thing.

Really, these guys are in no shape to be in a relationship. You cannot fix his problem, it's not worth the life energy you could be spending with someone who you can be happy with. Usually, a person who does what you're doing is actually -afraid- of things working out too - so really, you're a sort of mirror to him, you're both avoiding intimacy. Hmm...there's a book that might help - called "He's Scared, She's Scared."

Best wishes!

Agreeing with Goldie....

DON'T GET INVOLVED WITH MEN (OR WOMEN) WHO NEED FIXING. Diabra, I remember you from before. You are such a NICE woman! Don't settle for this, you deserve SO much better. I've learned the hard way about getting involved with guys on the rebound. It's even more disturbing that your guy is hung up on a girl from 4 yrs ago!! He is far from being in a healthy relationship, which is what you should want.

Also read "Men who can't commit" (isn't that it?? Several girls I know have read that and said it helped a lot)

Diabra and Deb... look at yourselves.. you're both VERY attractive, nice ladies. Don't wait for some guy to change.... look elsewhere for someone 'right' to begin with.

:)

Well said, Julianne. We have such lovely members, and we ALL deserve the best!

In the end, you can't really have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to have one. On the other end, heck, we're all scared and sometimes what someone shows you in the first few months is not everything they have to bring to the table. God know, I didn't get involved with a 19 year old college sophomore because I thought it was the ideal recipe for a long-term relationship. The question is how much of the day to day things that you want and need you are getting from this person: how much fun, how much intimacy, how much stimulation, how much honesty, how much caring and empathy. If that is there, then they may be worth rolling the dice and waiting to see what happens over the course of a few years. If not, then what you're waiting for is a personality change and those are few and far between. For me, it's the quality of the relationship that is the make or break. Circumstances change. People don't.

It's still so new. If you take it slow, maybe he'll open up when he's ready. Our timetable is usually a lot quicker than men.

It's still so new. If you take it slow, maybe he'll open up when he's ready. Our timetable is usually a lot quicker than men.

I agree - and I think as I get older my timetable seems to speed up as I have this crazy sense of running out of time . . .

Its really sad that this man can not let go of the past as it is the past that is not letting him move on. Maybe you can suggest therapy, at least having someone who doesn't know his story first hand can give him a perspective on the many opportunities he is missing out in not relating to others in a healthy way.

I personally feel that our relationship could work out, maybe not forever but for the short term.

Now why would you think that this is all you deserve, his crumbs off the table because if he's not emotionally available, he's not physically available either, not in a healthy way. He' robotizing what is a fundermental aspect of giving...he's not giving, he's letting you take and faking it. Granted he's gotten good at faking it, but his heart and his spirit is still with the ex...so in bed, there's you and the ex, isn't there, since you really can't control what's in his mind.

You have to decide how important a relationship is to you and what do you expect from it, come on, you're 44 yr old...you've gotta have some idea of what you think is an acceptable, healthy relationship, not to settle in the hopes that it will work out on the short term...is that like having a notch on the bedpost.

This is up to you. He is accountable to himself and since he has a block on "getting over it", its up to you to do what makes you happy.

Paris

Don't wait for some guy to change.... look elsewhere for someone 'right' to begin with. :)

I agree with this Julianne and would just like to add...don't waste time making up excuses for someone elses behaviour or trying to relentlessly analyze why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do ...the answer lies withing you...not with them.

Have you taken a good look at yourself, cause that's probably where you'll find the answer to most every question.

I'd also like to add that yes, people can be afraid and not quite themselves in the very beginning of a relationship...however, if this fear or whatever goes on and on and new excuses are being given to you all the time or you're making up excuses "for the bad behavior"....then that's an insecurity issue...on your part.
If this is the case, then I'd say that you need to take a good look at yourself moreso than worrying so much about him/them and determine why YOUR willing to put up with this type of behavior or treatment from someone (regardless of their age) to begin with..especially if they continue to give you the same sorry excuses over and over and over again.....HELLO...it's a wake up call!

I would like to give everyone who commented on my original posting in this thread a huge "thank you" for having done so and also give an update on the situation between myself and my YM. It's been a bit over a month since I wrote the original topic and things have improved GREATLY.
He has opened up to me of his own accord...he has become much more trusting of me and ultra-affectionate towards me, even in public which is something he did not do before and it worried me quite a bit. I have also found out since last month that he *HAS* told his friends about me and he asked me if my best friend knew about us. He told me in a roundabout way a couple weekends ago that he considered me to be his girlfriend, so to me that is real progress. We have been dating now for nearly two months, and even though I have not heard the three words yet from him (I love you) it doesn't concern me that much right now because he *ACTS* like he loves me and that for me is really what matters.
He is going to be leaving to work overseas in about 4 more weeks, and so it may be best if we keep the verbal admissions of love "on ice" to see how things fare for us during the year he is gone.
Because of tax reasons, once he leaves to go work in Iraq or Africa (not sure yet where he will be going) he cannot come back on US soil for a period of one year in order to retain tax-exempt status on his earnings.
So unless I were to meet him somewhere abroad when he goes on furloughs, we won't be able to see each other for a whole year because he cannot come back home for visits.
Big test coming up for us. But he's worth waiting for. I just hope he feels the same way about me.
Time will tell.

My YM is the same way....and just when I feel like giving up he surprises me...I guess it all depends on how you truly feel about him...I feel my YM is worth waiting for and I've found loads of patience I didn't know I had. :)

Diabra, glad things are working out for you.

I did however want to comment on the tax exempt status. I have a friend who's boyfriend is working over in Iraq right now, he signed on for 1 year also. However, he IS allowed to come over 1 every 4 months for 10 days only.

This does NOT take away the exemption.

Just thought that might ease your mind a little about him leaving for a year.