Trying to gather strength

Hello everyone,

I just turned 39 and the ym I was seeing will be 29 in about two weeks. We have been dating about 3 months. He's a gentle, intelligent, punkrocker type. We are both successfully self-supporting and have many common interests. Heh heh, Punk Rock not being one of them. Both are work schedules are hectic and at times complicated. We saw each other about 3 times a month. Problem is, he only seems to call me about once a week.

I have had at least two conversations with him about this not being enough. I said that since we dont see each that offen, I would very much like to be called at lease twice a week. He keeps appologising and being sweet. In person, we have such a great time, great sex, and very tender moments. The sparks really fly and he's a great cook. Im so happy, when we're together.

He keeps putting work first. He says he's not seeing/dating anyone else just that he's really busy and very stressed out. My feelings for him have been getting deeper and Im really getting attached. I asked him where this was all going and he said he has "potential" to have deeper feelings but he cant really put in the time for a serious relationship and that he doesnt think he could make me happy right now.

I guess I should just take him at his word. I need help and support here. He hasn't called me in four days. This is not unusual, but its torture for me. I want to break it off with him. It hurts me that he doesnt want to make the time to call and see me more offen. I am a kind, patient, loving person. I have no children and a great career. I own my own home. Why Im I crying myself to sleep at night? :( I will miss him terribly. I need strength.

It sounds to me like you two have different expectations about what you want right now. You want a committed relationship and he does not. And you have added sex to the equation which makes it much more difficult to evaluate whether he is only using you for sex or if he is truly interested in you as a person.

Sounds like you have at least these options:

(1) Continue to see him on a rare occasion like you have thus far, but leave sex out of it. You need to find out if he is truly interested in you or not.

(2) Continue to see him as is, sex and all, and evaluate over time whether things will change. This is, after all, a new relationship and you've seen each other.. what? 9 times? That's not alot of time to know how you really feel about someone. And maybe he just doesn't know yet. But, definitely consider leaving sex out because how can he focus on YOU when he's focused on how good it feels to have SEX with you?

(3) End things now and see what happens. Maybe he will realize he has a genuine interest in you and misses you.

Good luck to you. I hope everything turns out the way you hope it will.

Thanks for the good advice. Perhaps I rushed into things sexually. I should just back off.

I'm in a very similar situation here - except that my guy and I are 200 miles apart. We've been seeing each other every other weekend when my daughter goes to her dad's. I've had the same convo w/him as you've had with your guy. Basically, I need a little bit of attention during the "dry" spells. One of the things I noticed with him is that when he gets really busy he seems to "forget" me, and that's when I start to have doubts about his intentions.

We had a pretty long conversation the other nite. I actually told him I wasn't sure if I wanted to see him any more. He was surprised to say the least. I don't want to turn into a whining high maintenance b**ch, but I also think I deserve to be treated with a little more consideration. This conversation isn't over. I'm going to see him again, at least once, because we both agree that we need to talk about this in person.

Once again, I post with no advice, just commiseration.

I don't want to turn into a whining high maintenance b**ch, but I also think I deserve to be treated with a little more consideration.

I totally know what you mean here. We both deserve basic consideration. I dont like to use the high pressure approach and I certainly dont call him all the time trying to force a connection. But really, asking someone to call you twice a week is not unreasonable.

WhiteRose suggested some interesting options. In my heart I dont feel I'm being used for sex. I think Im more so being used as a "mini paradise" away from his busy life. I mean we date go on active dates together, hiking, cooking, movies, amusement parks, out for dinners. We trade off paying at my choice. But WhiteRose, had a point about breaking up and hoping he will miss me and then come around. Of course one takes a big risk in being completely forgotten about. But then again, if thats the case, maybe those feeling on his part were never there. Sad, I know.

Kismetlily wrote,

He keeps putting work first. He says he's not seeing/dating anyone else just that he's really busy and very stressed out. My feelings for him have been getting deeper and Im really getting attached. I asked him where this was all going and he said he has "potential" to have deeper feelings but he cant really put in the time for a serious relationship and that he doesnt think he could make me happy right now.


Hi everyone!

This is my first post!
Well it seems to me like he's already told you what he thinks about the relationship and what you can expect from him, hence him not calling you as often as you like. It doesnt seem as though you are a number one priority to him at the moment. And I can understand that would hurt a lot, since you obviously have feelings for him. Men usually mean what they say. My experience is that when men say they don't have time for a serious relationship, it basically means they don't have time for a serious relationship and you shouldnt expect anything from them really. I would be very careful if you decide to continue this because if he was as into you as you are into him, he would be much more attentive. That doesnt mean you guys won't have a good time when you are together, but maybe that's what he sees you as, someone he enjoys having a good time with, which can be great if that's all you want too. But he doesnt sound like longterm material.
I think that we as women sometimes need to just listen and accept what men tell us rather than thinking or hoping things will change and that we will mean more to them in the future. Life is too short! I'm sure there is a great guy out there who'd probably love to be calling you everyday, even twice day! :) Good Luck!

i think trish has a point, but i also see that a man has single minded thinking when he really wants a women in his life. i think that when we make it too easy for them, sex when it suites the sceduale for example... we are selling ourselves short. i also believe that communication is KEY for any intimate love affair... my husband is a talker, a communicator and when something is a-miss in our relationship, he is "dealing" with it, which usually means we have to be honest, talk-talk-talk until the problem is cleared and put behind us. i like his ways and find it very comfortable to be in this type of relationship. i did not at first, i felt like a cat being dunked in a bucket of water repeatedly until i realized that he was right, problems dont go away, our relationship is too precious and to deal with life head on when problems arise.

if you have a relationship that he values then he needs to respect and appreciate your needs, tell him how you really feel and hopefully he will be willing to make the changes for your happiness.

They don't project themselves into the future and ruminate about where things are going in a relationship.

ROTFL- that cracks me up. I know its so true. Still on the fence about giving it time or breaking it off now.

Some say three months is too soon to tell and some say not enough time. Who knows? not me. Im too busy ruminating.

ROTFL- that cracks me up. I know its so true. Still on the fence about giving it time or breaking it off now.

Some say three months is too soon to tell and some say not enough time. Who knows? not me. Im too busy ruminating.

Dang girl, decide so I'll know what to do! LOL. Me too. Five months into it and on the fence.

I agree w/Trish about men being off thinking everything is fine. My ex once said that as long as the kids and I were there when he got home from work he assumed everything was fine. My curent love seemed quite surprised when I mentioned being unsure about the relationship and possibly wanting to break it off.

Just have to say that I don't like it much when people start drawing lines between genders like there's one way men do things and there's another for women. As PEOPLE we all hope against hope when we want someone who isn't that into us - men do it and ignore the signals of non-interest women give them, and women do it too. We think it's gender-based because we are a certain gender and it LOOKS like the other one is "a certain way" because that is the gender we have relationships with!

My guy is a communicator too and I can say he has ruminated plenty about the relationship. We've been together about 2-1/2 years and at times when we've discussed things it will turn out that he has indeed been thinking about it, and the future, because he thinks about the future a lot, and thus about my place in it. Logical enough, isn't it? Not all guys do what they are taught to, which is to value their careers and selves (ego achievement) over relationships with real women. Some guys are perfectly comfortable valuing both in a balanced and satisfying way. The ones who aren't have emotional issues, and are not good candidates for relationships.

One of the reasons I think drawing the usual gender lines tends to be a bad idea is because people stop LISTENING to each other. Stereotypes dull our ability to perceive what's actually going on and being said or unsaid.

Anyway...the short story is, YES one should listen to the statements men (or women) make that a partner should have low expectations. When those statements are made, they are meant. The person on the other end should do two things: one, step back and look for someone who really IS enthusiastic about being with them, and two, start looking into why an emotionally unavailable person is so attractive to them now.

Best wishes and welcome to ageless!

Look, he said it. He said it as clearly as a man can say it. Right now, he doesn't have the head space for a committed relationship and he isn't falling head over heels in love with you RIGHT NOW enough to change that reality. But he enjoys the time you spend together.

You've only got two choices:

Strive for zen-accaptance of what IS and enjoy it on its own terms with no expectations for what might or might not happen later on.

OR

Face the fact that he's enjoying it, but on the whole, you're not (all that crying) and kiss him on the head and tell him this isn't what you want and need in your life right now.

I can't do the cost/risk/benefit ratio calculation for you. It's a personal decision and there's no one right answer. But you have to come down on one side or the other of the fence because straddling it is the worst feeling of all.

It's not about having sex or not having sex. It's about looking the situation in the face and measuring what you are and aren't getting out of it and then acting in accordance with that reality. It's not going to change anytime soon, so the question is are you going to live with it or are you going to get out?

i think trish has a point, but i also see that a man has single minded thinking when he really wants a women in his life. i think that when we make it too easy for them, sex when it suites the sceduale for example... we are selling ourselves short. i also believe that communication is KEY for any intimate love affair... my husband is a talker, a communicator and when something is a-miss in our relationship, he is "dealing" with it, which usually means we have to be honest, talk-talk-talk until the problem is cleared and put behind us. i like his ways and find it very comfortable to be in this type of relationship. i did not at first, i felt like a cat being dunked in a bucket of water repeatedly until i realized that he was right, problems dont go away, our relationship is too precious and to deal with life head on when problems arise.

if you have a relationship that he values then he needs to respect and appreciate your needs, tell him how you really feel and hopefully he will be willing to make the changes for your happiness.

THAT'S what I'm talking about! this is my girl right here...listen 2 her!

I asked him where this was all going and he said he has "potential" to have deeper feelings but he cant really put in the time for a serious relationship and that he doesnt think he could make me happy right now.


I'm so sorry that you are going through this pain. Believe me I understand. Maybe now you need to get very simple again and find your strength. Sit down with yourself and really think this through. I bet the future could hold good things for you, and you could really begin to enjoy life again if you put yourself first. My problem in relationships has been giving up my power, my happy sense of self. So now it has become a priority to fight for that in a relationship. Have you lost that feeling of feeling happy on your own? What you wrote above, if it were me, would seriously make me want to move on. (That's just me.) What would happen if you told him he was a great guy, that you wished him the best, but you just really needed to move on?

Look, he said it. He said it as clearly as a man can say it. Right now, he doesn't have the head space for a committed relationship and he isn't falling head over heels in love with you RIGHT NOW enough to change that reality.

I hear what you are saying Desert Spring. Im not asking for a ring. The thing is...I wouldnt expect anyone to fall head over heels in love with me "RIGHT NOW", in fact I would be sceptical if they did. We had only been dating three months. I'm not in love, only the potential is there for me over time. My feelings have been deepening but SLOWLY.

He has called me twice since my original post. I didnt have time to talk with him because I was going to work. If we go on another date, I think I just want to enjoy the date, snuggle a bit, relax, and skip the sex for now. I dont want that every time I see him I bring up "heavy" topics. Maybe I just need to let it rest and change my outlook on this.

I forgot to mention that while he is very mature and responsible, he very much lacks experience in having relationships. Almost none.

Skatergirl writes:
What would happen if you told him he was a great guy, that you wished him the best, but you just really needed to move on?

He actually is a great guy. Not manipulative or tricky. So yes I would be sad and miss him. But I would not be devestated and I would just focus on my goals. The thing is, I havent been this compatable with a guy in several years. It seems to be more a problem of logistics.

Overall, Im feeling better because of my choosen perpective on things rather than a change of cirumstance.

Desert Spring writes:
Strive for zen-accaptance of what IS and enjoy it on its own terms with no expectations for what might or might not happen later on.

Yes, I think I will try that for a very limited time. Maybe a five weeks. No more tears. :cool:

I'm poking around so I'm clear before posting a thread & it seems a lot of you have this problem.