First post, question for others with more experience at this ow/ym thing

Hi and thanks for the chance to post.

Little background: I'm 41. was married to a 5 year younger man. Last dated a 7 year younger man for 3 years. That ended last fall when he cheated on me with a 21 year old, which he realized was stupid, and started calling me again. We spent 3 months apart, then I get the call saying what a huge mistake he made. I said I didnt' care. Then he says he's deployed to Iraq (National Guard) for a year and all these changes in his life have made him re-evaluate, and he wants me back. I felt sorry for him, agreed to see him, and we have seen each lother long distance, as much as we could while he was training for Iraq. He left in May for Iraq. After his cheating, I told him I wasn't comfortable waiting for him, but will keep in touch, although if I meet someone, I will date. I admit I really care for Mr Iraq. He's said he wants to move things forward when he returns, which I think means marriage, although he knows I'm not a big fan of marriage. I have 4 kids, and a great job and don't want another divorce. So we keep in touch, and if it works out, I do plan on seeing him when he returns, but trust is a definite obstacle at this point. ( I was so devastated, I didn't date while he and I were split up).

Dilemma: I had a guy I work with ask me out, he's 25. I said yes, thinking it would be nice to at least have someone to go places with. I told him this....that I wasn't looking for someone to talk to 24/7 or keep track of, but someone that likes to go out and do things (dinner, hockey and concerts) , and will treat me well. He knows my history with Mr Iraq. He claims he had his eye on me for a while, not knowing how old I am. (most people think I'm in my late 20's, early 30's) He told me he wasn't concerned about the age diff, and he wanted someone to hang out with too, who wasn't out there sleeping with other guys. We've been seeing each other on my days that my ex has my kids, for about 2 months. He's applied to pharmacy school, but grades from his Master in biology aren't impressive, and 2 schools have turned him down, but he was in the top 10% of the applicants. He has since taken classes to boost his GPA and plans on reapplying. Our boss quit a month ago, and now they have made me the interim director, and want me to take the director position. That would make me his boss. (No one at work knows about this, understood by both of us) I thought that we had an understanding that this was a having fun thing, and truthfully, I never expected a 25 year old to really think this would go anywhere. I thought we were on the same playing field.

Problem: He has told his dad, brother and most friends about me, (which I admit surprised me) they are fine with it. But he says his mom cannot know (parents are divorced) because she is always harping on him to get married/have kids. He's not even sure he wants kids, and all his friends are getting married now and he's not very impressed with their lives. I've told him I will probably not get married again. Lately, it seems like he's talking about "when or if" he gets married a lot. I'm also uncomfortable with the fact that his mother cannot know about me, I don't see how it's any different from his dating anyone else that he may or may not marry. So, I guess it's a two fold problem. He says we are in agreement about what we expect from each other, but his dialog is conflicting. I've been completely honest with him. Plus I'm wondering where all this marriage talk is coming from? To put a different spin on this, he's used to dating younger gals, and he admitted yesterday that he's never had a girlfriend who initiates sex, but finds it attractive. He is a very nice looking guy, very attentive in public, holds hands, and remembers the little things I like. He stresses how he has no problem with monogamy or the age difference. I thought it was the perfect thing for the 6 or so days I have free a month. And I am still shell shocked from my last relationship, so I keep him at arm's length.

Should I just ignore the mother thing?

Ignore the marriage talk?

Or is there something else going on here that maybe I'm just not seeing? This is my first relationship where there was such a large age diff. Thanks in advance for the advice.

Welcome to you!

First of all if you are becoming his boss, then he is off limits unless or until he can transfer to another department, another supervisor, etc.

Secondly, you've only been interested in him for two months. He seems like he's pretty straightfordward about most things. The fact that he wants to not tell his mother about things (at least not yet) and has told everybody else is not a big deal. Maybe his mother is overbearing, a drama queen or something and he doesn't want to open that door until or unless he has to. I wouldn't either.

His being conflicted isn't surprising. Sounds like he's making decisions about the future (pharmacy school), looking at his friends lives and thinking outloud about his own. He trusts you enough to be open with you. I don't think this is a bad thing.

You are obviously a self assured, competent woman. I don't have much advice for you but this is what I think about what you've posted.

Does any of this help you at all?

I think I just don't want to be missing a hint that is glaring to someone who's been through this type of thing.

Oh, and my friends my age are all pretty much against this. They like him as a person, but think me dating him is bad news. The boss thing certainly complicates it.

I wasn't really expecting to meet his family anyway, so the mom thing wasn't totally surprising. He's a very private person, and I was pretty surprised he even told all those other people. He set up for us to have dinner with his brother and sister in law last Friday, which took me by surprise. The sister in law just kept saying how much she liked me.

And I forgot to mention that he says most of his relationships from the last 2 years have ended by his choice when his girlfriends started pressuring him for marriage.

Maybe I'm looking for a problem that isn't even there.

Well you have had the chance to get to know him some, and from what it seems is that you two dont have any big conflicts or trust issius. Secondly, you two do enjoy doing the same things as you mentioned in your post. From that I dont see a reason of pushing him away for the matter you two have a friendship, and isnt that what is the biggest thing in a relationship, that the other is your bestfriend and you can do things together, enjoy each others time n such.

As for Mr. Iraq, though I do have respect for those in are militairy. He made the decission to cheat on you, and the impression I get is that because he was leaving to go, that he wants someone back home to come to when he returns. For the friends I have in the service, they have shown me that is a common thing to do, partially for a comfort blanket type of thing. You told him that you would keep incontact with him, for wich I didnt get any impression that your not In that you allso stated to him that if you choose to you would date.

So in all that said and done I dont see any reason to push Mr Pharmicist away. He has shown you trust, and you seem to trust him aswell. He is taking class' to get a better gpa to help him further school and eventully his carrer, wich shows that he wants something for himself in life. He has been open with his feelings for you, wich is hard to do for some people, but that shows he is comfortable communicating with you. He has told the majority of people that are in his everyday life, so that shows he isnt ashamed of you to others. The mother thing, knowing that some people can be exstreamly over baring, give him time its only been a couple of months now. Im sure there are allot of people out there that took them longer to tell others about the relationship there in. And on top of that he seems just to be a good guy from what you have said.

Hope this helps, its just my opinion on the situation. Hope all goes well for you and you find what you want to do with your heart.

My first perception is that the pharmacist guy is way more serious about you than you are about him regardless of what he may have agreed to at the start.
Ofcourse, I could be way off :confused:

I agree with Ravenglow, the ym could be at a point in his life that he's seriously looking at where he is and what he wants to accomplish and it helps that he take a serious look at what exactly is it that he will need to be a more productive member of society. In other words, although mature...he's growing up, being more adult in the choices he must make to secure his future and his life, nothing wrong with that.

I'm also uncomfortable with the fact that his mother cannot know about me, I don't see how it's any different from his dating anyone else that he may or may not marry.

Well, why would you be uncomfortable, its not like this is should be a biggie for you as you're not looking at his relationship as any more than:

I told him this....that I wasn't looking for someone to talk to 24/7 or keep track of, but someone that likes to go out and do things (dinner, hockey and concerts) , and will treat me well.

and

I thought that we had an understanding that this was a having fun thing, and truthfully, I never expected a 25 year old to really think this would go anywhere. I thought we were on the same playing field.

I don't understand why the confustion, unless you're feelings have change alot more than you letting on or even admitting to yourself, after all its only been 2 months, if you're not into it or are into it just for the fun, why would you give a hoot about anything. Although if he is changing his perspective, and you're getting antsy, you have some major decisions to make soon that include either staying in and knowing that this guy wants the whole package, or getting out and letting him find someone who is more on HIS page.

Paris

Hi and thanks for the chance to post.

Little background: I'm 41. was married to a 5 year younger man. Last dated a 7 year younger man for 3 years. That ended last fall when he cheated on me with a 21 year old, which he realized was stupid, and started calling me again. We spent 3 months apart, then I get the call saying what a huge mistake he made. I said I didnt' care. Then he says he's deployed to Iraq (National Guard) for a year and all these changes in his life have made him re-evaluate, and he wants me back. I felt sorry for him, agreed to see him, and we have seen each lother long distance, as much as we could while he was training for Iraq. He left in May for Iraq. After his cheating, I told him I wasn't comfortable waiting for him, but will keep in touch, although if I meet someone, I will date. I admit I really care for Mr Iraq. He's said he wants to move things forward when he returns, which I think means marriage, although he knows I'm not a big fan of marriage. I have 4 kids, and a great job and don't want another divorce. So we keep in touch, and if it works out, I do plan on seeing him when he returns, but trust is a definite obstacle at this point. ( I was so devastated, I didn't date while he and I were split up).

Dilemma: I had a guy I work with ask me out, he's 25. I said yes, thinking it would be nice to at least have someone to go places with. I told him this....that I wasn't looking for someone to talk to 24/7 or keep track of, but someone that likes to go out and do things (dinner, hockey and concerts) , and will treat me well. He knows my history with Mr Iraq. He claims he had his eye on me for a while, not knowing how old I am. (most people think I'm in my late 20's, early 30's) He told me he wasn't concerned about the age diff, and he wanted someone to hang out with too, who wasn't out there sleeping with other guys. We've been seeing each other on my days that my ex has my kids, for about 2 months. He's applied to pharmacy school, but grades from his Master in biology aren't impressive, and 2 schools have turned him down, but he was in the top 10% of the applicants. He has since taken classes to boost his GPA and plans on reapplying. Our boss quit a month ago, and now they have made me the interim director, and want me to take the director position. That would make me his boss. (No one at work knows about this, understood by both of us) I thought that we had an understanding that this was a having fun thing, and truthfully, I never expected a 25 year old to really think this would go anywhere. I thought we were on the same playing field.

Problem: He has told his dad, brother and most friends about me, (which I admit surprised me) they are fine with it. But he says his mom cannot know (parents are divorced) because she is always harping on him to get married/have kids. He's not even sure he wants kids, and all his friends are getting married now and he's not very impressed with their lives. I've told him I will probably not get married again. Lately, it seems like he's talking about "when or if" he gets married a lot. I'm also uncomfortable with the fact that his mother cannot know about me, I don't see how it's any different from his dating anyone else that he may or may not marry. So, I guess it's a two fold problem. He says we are in agreement about what we expect from each other, but his dialog is conflicting. I've been completely honest with him. Plus I'm wondering where all this marriage talk is coming from? To put a different spin on this, he's used to dating younger gals, and he admitted yesterday that he's never had a girlfriend who initiates sex, but finds it attractive. He is a very nice looking guy, very attentive in public, holds hands, and remembers the little things I like. He stresses how he has no problem with monogamy or the age difference. I thought it was the perfect thing for the 6 or so days I have free a month. And I am still shell shocked from my last relationship, so I keep him at arm's length.

Should I just ignore the mother thing?

Ignore the marriage talk?

Or is there something else going on here that maybe I'm just not seeing? This is my first relationship where there was such a large age diff. Thanks in advance for the advice.

You are thinking about too many guys at once! And that typically means you aren't feeling very available for love. The guy you felt sorry for was bad news...sure you could give him another chance but he might just do the same thing again, I think guys who get away with it once tend to try to push the limits...so I would not go there. And as for the 25 year old? Forget him! Unless of course you are willing to give up your job as a result of dating him. Companies don't like the dept. change dating game and if HR gets a whiff of it they might call it poo and it could stink you up at work!

Just my .02 cents.

Ali

I was thinking like Ravenglow, but thought maybe I was paranoid. Mr Iraq and I were together for 3.5 years, and his cheating was a complete shock, and with someone 21....well, that was icing on the cake. He was emotionally unavailable, until of course they sent him to Iraq, and now he's doing all the things he should have done before.

I think my self esteem took a hit, and now I'm too leery. But although I have fun with the 25 year old, I keep thinking it has built in limitations......but after reading this forum, maybe I'm wrong. I know I'm not giving it a chance, but that's my way of keeping the distance I expect to need. I really do wonder what he sees in me.....that sounds horrible, but it's true. Not looks wise or job wise, but I'm no 25 year old. I guess I'm wondering what would happen when I'm 52 and he's only 35?? How can you tell if they are sincere? So far I have nothing but good things to say about him, he gives me my space, but says he's not planning on seeing anyone else. He did chase me pretty long, but it's been a long time since I thought like a 25 year old.

Any suggestions??

of course they sent him to Iraq, and now he's doing all the things he should have done before. And what are those things?

Are you going to take your promotion? If so, then that makes all this talk unnecessary, doesn't it?

I think there is something more going on in your life that is troubling you. By having all this going on, you are avoiding thinking about what is really depressing you. Whatever it is, you seem like an intelligent and caring person. If I am correct, then I hope you will face it instead of worrying about guy troubles. If I am wrong... sure wouldn't be the first time. :p

Welcome to our site... remember... take what you need and leave the rest. We all have different perspectives but we all want to help. Take care dear heart.