For Those Who Have Kids

I know we touched on this in another thread but maybe it's worth it's own discussion.

I started something with a YM who is a lot younger than me; over 20 years younger - which I have a problem with too. My daughter who is 12 simply says: "Mom, he's too young; you can't go out with him." She and I have talked about it a lot and she just writes it off. She's known that this man and I have been friends for a few years and that he was always verbal about his feelings. She used to ask: "Why does this guy love you so much?" As she got a little older, like this year, she'd say: "It must feel good to have someone compliment you so much." She just never thought it would move passed flirting/complimenting. I was in another relationship so I didn't take it seriously myself. When that ended, I started seeing this YM.

My daughter keeps telling me to find someone else. There is nothing I can say that can enlighten her. One day, I said I was going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts and since I don't think it will last forever, she seemed ok with that. But, somewhere along the line she forgot she said anything that gave me the impression that I almost had her blessings.

I get the feeling she thinks I'm nuts.

I have finally been able to rationalize this relationship for myself. I've had plenty of terrible to unsatisfying relationships. That sounds like some long line, didn't mean that - I have practiced serial monogamy, that sounds better; like a few longer term relationships that crash and burn. This YM might be another for all I know, but right now he does make me feel good. He's more loving, affectionate, and verbally attentive than most men. So, this is good for me.

My daughter obviously can't understand this because of her age and lack of life experience. Right now the YM is away and will be for a few months so it's not pressing. If it continues when he returns I hope I can work things out. She thinks there is someone out there my age who can be just as nice - I just don't find them.

I think it's strange that my daughter is involved in my chatter about my boyfriends, to begin with. I grew-up with two parents who stayed together and shouldn't have; they were clearly on the planet to torture each other. I've known other women who broke-up with their kids' dads and went through years of dating when their kids were little; then they suffered the jealous, acting out kids who were torn between their dads and moms' boyfriends. That's not me either.

My daughter is one of those logical children who seems wise beyond her years so I want her to understand this. I know, though, that she does get jealous of people sharing my attention. We are close and we do talk so I'm hoping we'll work this out.

He is really young. She's right.

I think it's good that you allow your daughter to express her feelings and opinions, and it appears that you respect them even if you don't agree with them. However, the bottom line is that you are the adult and YOU make the decisions, both for her and for you. As long as those decisions are being made as a responsible parent who can balance the best interests of her child with her own best interests, then I think you're fine.

My personal decision has been not to introduce my 14 year old daughter to the men I date. When and if I find someone who I expect is going to be around for the long haul I'll take steps to introduce her to him. Until then I see no reason for her to have to deal with it. BUT, that's just my approach. Others may see it and do it differently.

deb wrote: My personal decision has been not to introduce my 14 year old daughter to the men I date. Good thinking Deb!! Your daughter is telling you something. It's obviously is hurting her which may damage her in the long run. Kids first!! What's the age gap?

It could be an image problem. Can you imagine what her friends at school would say if they know you are dating a younger man. They will tease her telling her that her mom is a cradle robber.

If I am wrong and this is not an image problem but it is just that she does not trust him, ask her to state her reasons. Sometimes third parties, specially if they are our own children, can see aspects of our loved ones we are blind to, but that are important in the long run.

Anyways, it seems that you will not have to deal with this for a few months.

ask her to state her reasons.

I would suggest asking this question to anyone who disapproves with an age-gap relationship. The fact is that most people who disapprove do so without any reason and just because it isn't 'normal' or 'acceptable'. If asked for a reason why, it's very probable that they can't actually come up with any reason whatsoever, which might just make them think about it and realise there isn't actually anything wrong with it.

Ruthie,

I'm not sure why you are letting her influence you on this matter. She may be "wise beyond her years" but she is just 12 years old.

I'm all for setting boundaries on this item. I'd tell her gently but firmly that I do appreciate her sharing her feelings with me on the topic but I'm the person who is doing the dating and it's my choice whom I date, not hers. And if she pushes back on you, I might remind her that in a few short years, she'll be dating herself, and if she gets to pick who YOU date, why you certainly get to choose who she dates.

deb wrote: My personal decision has been not to introduce my 14 year old daughter to the men I date. Good thinking Deb!! Your daughter is telling you something. It's obviously is hurting her which may damage her in the long run. Kids first!! What's the age gap?


I feel this is wonderfully stated, Being that my parents split up when I was really lil (around 6 years old). My mom dated other men (though they were not an age gap type of relationship). And being that we lived with my mom, her So would be involved in are lifes as children. You are the adult, so for you to make a decission on who you date is compleatly up to you. Aslong as that person treats you and your kids well i dont see anything wrong in it. But when they cross ether or both those lines i feel that is time to end it. For instance my moms last boyfriend was when i was around 14, me and him got into a confrontation, he raised his arm at me like he was going to swing (though poor judgement on my part i then raised my fists at him, and he could have taken me any day of the week) but in that he was out the door. So rember when choosing someone aslong as they treat you right and your kids right there shouldnt be an issiue no matter of age or not.

Great post, Idolence, and EXACTLY how I feel about it. I will not let my children dictate to me who I date, BUT I would never, ever tolerate my children being mistreated in any way, shape or form. Litical is wonderful with my kids and they absolutely adore him. But if my son decides to tell me in a few years he doesn't like the fact that Litical is 13 years younger than me, I'll just look him square in the eye and say "well, tough patootie, buddy." LOL.

I wouldn't let my children tell me WHO I can date or why, but I WOULD want to know if he/she had any "real tangible" issues with the SO... if he/she was being mistreated or was scared/concerned about anything else...

~phos

I think parents should listen to their children and weight what they have to say. Some children are very observant and sometimes their points are valid. Even if they are only 10 or 12. I am not saying this is the case but specially with young girls and new boyfriends... Many unfortunate incidents have happened under this scenario.

OMG, where do I start?

When I just started too talk with Joel online, I let both of my kids (girls 10 and 15) know that i was talking to a guy 13 years younger than me... but back then we were just "online" friends. Joel and I had actually desided on that we had to met before ant of us had admitted to having more than friendly feelings towards eachother. I was to go and see him this summer for a week (as just friends) and I had tod my kids this.... they both were okay with that. But feelings grew and we both started to admitt for eachothers that this was a "little" more than "just friends". I have always been a very open person, so I talked about Joel and I think my daugther of 15 was the one that asked me directly if this was more than a friendship and I told her the truth about how things were, but that ofcourse we wouldn't know for sure if this was real until we had met.
(by that time Joel and i had deside on that he were to come and see me in easter)

She was totaly discusted by the thought of her mom being with a guy 13 years younger than me and the fact that he is only 5 years older than her didn't make matters easier for her... MG she even called me a pedophile :(

I kept my calm and I talked with her when she was calm and I tried to explain to her that even though Joel is young, he is also an adult and that she have to remember that if I had been the guy and he the woman/girl we probably wouldn't even have had this convo. She said that she would and had been discusted by the fact that her dad had dated a girl 10-11 years younger than him, so that what I was saying wasn't true... (her way of NOTmitting to that I had a point) But my daughter is a TRUE femenist so I think that she thought of what I had talked about kinda made sense to her, but she was worried about what her friends would think...

well one day she came to me and she told me that she thought it would be a good idea if we rearranged the funiture in the livingroom to make it a litte more kozy for when Joel came and wisited me... (we had reasently moved to where we lived now and he was completly correct, it wasn't were cozy :o )

I took this as her being okay with the thought of him and me being together, but I soon were to find out that there was a long way to go... :(

She was okay with him comming to see me because she didn't think that anything serious could come out of it because of the huge distance between us.

Well afte the greate meeting between Joel and me we both just knew that we had to be together and I told the kids how things were.
none of then said anything that made me think that they was totally against it, but I knew that the oldest still had some issues to work through... and every time we had a fight she brought this subject up... and we had huge fights about it...

Joel started to wan't to get to know the kids and I was kinda worried about it, so I first gave him my youngest daughters e-mail adress so that he could mail her... but I did not give him the one for my oldest daughter, cause she didn't want me too... I was affraid to hurt Joel so i had not told him about the difficultees I had with my oldest daughter about this, because he was already a littel scared about kids not liking him. I know this wasn't the corrct thing to do, but I thought I could fix this all by myself and that this would be something we would just laugh from some day.

One when I was at work, my youngest daugether had left her messenger open and her sister saw that Joel was online and she started to talk with him, and they actually had fun together... Joel was so happy about this and he started to feel a little more relaxed about things... she gave him her own e-mail adress and they talked everytime both of them were online... and she laught at me and told me that Joel was a dork and things reallyu seamed like they started to be okay...
but one day he sendt her a mail and in that mail he included that he wanted her to tell me that he missed me and that he loved me....
Huge misstake... and a very bad timing cause she had problemes at school with a girl and were already angry and frustrated for that reason and then this became too much for her I guess... one thing was to know that Joel and I was boyfriend/girlfriend but this was not something she could handle... (even she have seen us together)

She wrote him back, telling him that she most sertanly would not tell me that and that she did not accept us being together and if he dared to come and live with us she would make life a living hell.
She told him that he was nothing but a kid and that he had nothing to give me and that he had to see that this was just a dream and that it could never become anything. She also told him that she did not want her mom hurt once more... cause she had seen this too much already

For Joel this was very hurtful and that was my fault, cause for him this came almost out of the clear blue sky.

So the day after when i talked with him, he asked me if I had talked with my daughter... and I knew right away that something was wrong....

Joel told me what had happened and he sendt me the mail she had sent him...
He was hurt that I hadn't told him about how she felt and that he didn't want to destroy the relationship I had with her and if this was really how she felt and if she wouldn't "welcome" him, he would let us go... He had seen this before because his mom have almost lost his half brother because he couldn't stand Joels dad... and he did not want to become the reason for this happening to me and my daughter...
I cried and I was soo scared

Well Joel and I agreed letting her be for a while until she calmed down, and the he wrote her yet another mail, telling her hte story of his mom, dad and stephbrother and that he would pull out if she absolutly did not aprove of him. He also told her that he knew that i had been hurt badly before and he assured her that he would never do anything to hurt me...etc
She never replyed to this mail... but one day Joel and I was talking she started to joke about him again and she told me to tell him this and that and slowly things started to become okay again... Joel asked her if she was okay with him and she said she was... but that he still was a dork and that he had to know that this would cost us a great deal of money.... lol (her way of brakinf the ice)

Well I'm sure we still have some steps to walk, but she seams okay now and she have told me that the mail from Joel ment a whole lot and to know that her opinion really did matter was important too her.
I now think that she trust Joel in that he will never try to hurt me and she knows that he is also thinking about her and her sister...


well this became a long story and I hope it made some sense...

I guess what I'm trying to say is give your daugher the chance steam off and then talk to her...maybe even let your YM try to talk to her.. give it time and I think she will be okay

wishing you all the wery best

-Aina

I also have a rule also that I don't introduce my daughter to anyone unless I feel like it's safe and might be something that will last. She has met him but it was a couple years ago when we were just friendly with each other, running into each other in our day to day lives.

I have also told her that in the end it's my decision. The YM told me more than once that he's afraid she's not going to like him. She will because he's so nice; what she won't like has nothing to do with him.

Time will tell.