52 and in love with YM28 from India

Beautiful young man from India asks me to be his wife every day. We met at a church function where we were both doing volunteer work.

His parents are pressuring him to enter into an arranged marriage....which upsets him. We have been living together for six months, but I don't want to deprive him of his cultural ties or the opportunity to have children. I love this man very much and I look very young. He fears that he will divorce anyone that he feels forced to marry and that will bring further shame to his parents.

What a dilema! I want him to be happy with his choice and If I let him go....will I be doing him a favor or a diservice. I have promised to always remain his friend and be a godmother to his children but I also fear that being too close to him would not allow for him to bond with a new wife.

I have never experienced such intense devotion and love. I need a long term solution 'cause we just keep going in circles.

If YOU are the one he wants to marry and YOU are who he wants a life with, why would you let him go get tied into an arranged marriage against HIS wishes?

Bahhh... run off to Vegas with your guy and have a good life, vickie. :eek: Let the rest of the chips fall where they may.

If he's married to you, then he can't be married OFF to someone else as a piece of property (or HER as a piece of property ~ doesn't SHE deserve better, too??? Than to be married to a man who loves YOU!!?!??!!)

Welcome to ageless.
~phos

This is more serious than: Just run off and get married. I am in a similar situation, same culture, same age difference. It's just newer, I don't live with the man. There are real concerns here; defying a culture where family and tradition is thousands of years part of your idenity.

I feel for you, Vicki.

I'm stuck for time right now but would like to continue this discussion.

Watch a couple of Hindi Movies and you will get a feel for the dilema. In that culture, duty always pervails over passion. The parents believe they are wiser in choosing a mate and the couples have the right to veto the union at the first meeting. Often these lifelong unions are decided in the first meeting to please the parents. The son of a family has the responsibility to care for the parents and make a place in his home for them. If he chooses to marry an American who does not share the same family values or structure and she cannot provide children, they will disown him.

Families are very close in India and often live in the same house all their lives. To be treated as an outcast by all of your loved ones....so that you would not taint their children....would be hard to endure. The isolation would be felt more deeply than our culture where autonomy is commonplace.

If the relationship didn't work out, I would lose a few years....he would lose everything. I feel for him and want him to be happy. He may get over me in time as he builds a life with his family.

Vickie

If YOU are the one he wants to marry and YOU are who he wants a life with, why would you let him go get tied into an arranged marriage against HIS wishes?

Bahhh... run off to Vegas with your guy and have a good life, vickie. :eek: Let the rest of the chips fall where they may.

If he's married to you, then he can't be married OFF to someone else as a piece of property (or HER as a piece of property ~ doesn't SHE deserve better, too??? Than to be married to a man who loves YOU!!?!??!!)

Welcome to ageless.
~phos

Yea!!!!! I vote for true love too! It sounds like love 2 me, take a chance...life is short and you sound blessed! God bless you both.

I appreciate all of your comments and suggestions.

I'm going to give this one some more time. Men from his culture have less experience with love and he may be infatuated. We became close very quickly. I fell off a 6ft scaffolding at a TV studio and he fell while trying to catch me. We both ended up in a pile laughing and we are still laughing.

Time will tell us if it is meant to be.....as long as he can stay unmarried to someone else. If you just keep feeding love, it will grow and I think that is what is happening to me! He even cooks for me and swears that Indian men never do that for women. I am not ready to rush right into marriage based only on feelings without some kind of logic and he is so sensitive and caring that he would marry me tomorrow. I would then become his entire family and that is a little scary.

Hearing that others have made a situation like this work, gives me hope.

Thanks
Doo Da

I say go for it!

As for the childbearing thing, one word: Adoption!

Hugs
Ali

I used to live next door to a couple where he was from India, and she from Panama. They did not disown him, she was able to stay Catholic. She had to learn to cook their food and that was it. Her daughter adopted her father's religion. They attended all Indian functions and she was very active in their cultural club and in the family business. (His family is very wealthy). The sad ending of the story is that they had an automobile accident and he died, she survived with a limp. She took up the management of his share of the business (real estate), an she kept being an active member of the Indian club.

Hi Vickie,
I just talked to a friend of mine from India. He said that in his part of the country (the southern part) about 65-70% of parents arrange marriages for their children. He noted that most of the time parents are open to letting their children pick their own partner if it came to that and that they may be disappointed, but they would CERTAINLY not disown them (he really emphasized that). The other 35% let their children decide if they want an arranged marriage or not. I hope your guy is from southern India! Who knows, maybe the culture is similar in the north too.
Good luck and keep us posted! Wer'e all rooting for you.

vickie...you should check out this movie called east is east...it's a hilarious comedy about a pakistani (i know your guy is indian...they were brothers once..) family living near bradford england...one of the side stories in the movie is about this pakistani father trying to arrange marriages for his three sons even though they want no part in it...not saying your guy doesn't want it...but perhaps the movie will give you some insight on your cultural differences...

personally, i deal with these cultural differences, myself...i come from a far east asian culture similar to your guy's culture where family and children and community is all important...i commend you for being so understanding and wanting what is best for him...but you know when love is true...you would be doing yourself and your guy a disservice by not pursuing it....alas, we all have only one life to live...

good luck...

I appreciate all of your comments and suggestions.

I'm going to give this one some more time. Men from his culture have less experience with love and he may be infatuated. We became close very quickly. I fell off a 6ft scaffolding at a TV studio and he fell while trying to catch me. We both ended up in a pile laughing and we are still laughing.

Time will tell us if it is meant to be.....as long as he can stay unmarried to someone else. If you just keep feeding love, it will grow and I think that is what is happening to me! He even cooks for me and swears that Indian men never do that for women. I am not ready to rush right into marriage based only on feelings without some kind of logic and he is so sensitive and caring that he would marry me tomorrow. I would then become his entire family and that is a little scary.

Hearing that others have made a situation like this work, gives me hope.

Thanks
Doo Da

I agree that you should give it some more time. This will allows you both to have enough times to think it over more and to see how strong of the bonding between you two. So, whether is it a real love or just the feelings.
I think, if his heart is already settle for you then he will not going to marry her. However, you have to let him know that you wanted more time for both to understand more about each other and for the future ahead. Because he's in a pressure cook here.
I know some Paskitani and Indian and no, they wouldn't disown him if he marry to someone else. Yes, family is close. They might disappoint with him at first but they would rather to see him happy than be miserable in a marriage.
Also, don't based your love on the question of what if. You have a man who love you dearly at this present moment and you love him very much, as you said, then there's no room for hypothesis question(s).
Give it times and go for it. It don't comes by oftern.

best to you both

Give it times and go for it. It don't comes by often.

best to you both

I mean real love doesn't come by often. :p

Well, yes and no. It can be a big price to pay to lose intimacy with your family and ease in your cultural identity. You sort've don't want to say someone "have me and lose the rest of your world". They really, really, really have to make that call themselves. I think he's right to refuse the arranged marriage, at a minimum, until he has seen where this thing with you will go. He ISN"T available. He's in a relationship with you. But I also wouldn't rush into a marriage. I'd give it plenty of time so that both of you know what to expect and what you have and don't have together over time.

I know it sounds like a circle, but if it's a long-term solution you want, then it may take a long time to figure out what it is. I'd give it at least another year and then re-evaluate where things stand.

Wikie,
U must go for your love. Being an indian, I know if your guys family is educated, there won't be any probs. You know, every indian believes in the conept- whole humankind is a family (VASUDHAVA KUTUMBAKAM). their prayers always starts with the wish of welfare of humankind. So if you think there will be probs to your guy, u might prove wrong.

Yes culture gap may create difficulties but you can always overcome those. Go for your love and live life full size.

Hi, i am new here and just had a quick look on this site. I am so happily surprised reading this discussion. I am in a similar situation, i am 53, my Indan friend is 30, but we live miles apart. Due to lack of time now, I cannot tell my whole story at the moment, but I am so happy I found this site and especially this topic, being also confronted with age and culture gap, but so much overwhelmed by his friendly, loving, understanding nature.

tell in detail

I don't want to deprive him of his cultural ties or the opportunity to have children.

For reasons of biology, your age, and his family, whether or not they would be resistant to having you as a daughter-in-law, you will probably do both to some degree. But this is what I hate in age gaps, and I see you doing it big time here: you are making HIS decisions for him. Let him decide what he wants to do. If he's going to leave you over his family he will let you know.

I wonder what ever happened to Vicki?

My Indian friend is somewhere in transit coming back from India. We are in a communication glitch and I can't stand waiting.

I want to know what's going to happen with this. It's been three months since I saw him, a couple weeks since I talked to him.

I'm trying to be patient. It's a beautiful day here and it would be so nice if he were here to go for a walk, talk, be outside.

I don't like this.

We have been living together for six months, but I don't want to deprive him of his cultural ties or the opportunity to have children.

Once again, I seem to be the only one on this board who considers living together as having already made the commitment. He wants to marry you, Vickie, and he is already living with you. In my eyes, you are already married, just haven't gotten around to signing the papers yet! The family needs to consider him already married and give up the notion that he is available to be married off to someone else.

Once again, I seem to be the only one on this board who considers living together as having already made the commitment. He wants to marry you, Vickie, and he is already living with you. In my eyes, you are already married, just haven't gotten around to signing the papers yet! The family needs to consider him already married and give up the notion that he is available to be married off to someone else.


I may have to disagree with this. I lived with someone for three years who I just couldn't bring myself to marry. He wanted to but there was just this something I couldn't quite feel right about. He moved in with me following a rough time we had and we felt especially close. I think I wanted it to be forever and hoped we would get married in the beginning but after a while I felt uncomfortable about some things. It's not like the relationship at that point was over - for a while we still had something - but over time, I realized we just weren't on the same page (for lack of a better phrase). My gut feelings panned out in the end and we both, more or less, admitting we weren't right for each other.

The statistics also prove that people who live together before they get married tend not to marry. I'm sure there are plenty who do, but generally people live together do so with a lesser commitment than those who marry. This is the reason why they split up over more minor events than people who go into marriage for life - through thick and thin.

I'm surprised at how many people move in together so quickly, too. I'm wondering if our society has decided that convenience and the high cost of living overrides giving relationships more time. I'm not so sure all people live together thinking they 'just haven't signed the papers.'

Maybe living together has become a sign of monogamy but not a life-long commitment.

The statistics also prove that people who live together before they get married tend not to marry. I'm sure there are plenty who do, but generally people live together do so with a lesser commitment than those who marry. This is the reason why they split up over more minor events than people who go into marriage for life - through thick and thin.

I'm surprised at how many people move in together so quickly, too. I'm wondering if our society has decided that convenience and the high cost of living overrides giving relationships more time. I'm not so sure all people live together thinking they 'just haven't signed the papers.'

AFAIK, statistics don't prove anything. One can interpret things in any number of different ways, and there is no "cause and effect" relationship between living together and not marrying.

Let's be logical shall we...

Nowadays, a lot of people want to live together first even though they are considering marrying. They want to see if they are compatible. Well, a lot of people are not, or have not made a good choice of partner. So they end up splitting up, like you did.

This still does not mean that people live together with less of a commitment. Just because people do marry it doesn't mean THEY stay together either. As we alllll know, half of all marriages fail. So what does that "prove?" It doesn't prove that getting married has anything to do with being committed, although maybe people went in THINKING they were committed.

Obviously though, you can't know why people decided to live together before or instead of marrying unless they tell you. Even then I'm not sure how honest those answers can be. You also cannot gauge their level of commitment just because they don't happen to be married at a given moment. I and my man live together, have for 2 years, and now we're engaged. Everyone is DIFFERENT.

Personally, I think it is folly to decide to marry someone before living with them for some period of time (even if it's only a few months). I think it's ridiculous that anyone expects people to commit to someone for life specifically without knowledge of how compatible they are. IMO there is NO virtue in toughing out a bad living situation just because people are married. It's been discussed here before, and I'm not here to debate it, my point is simply that you CANNOT know how committed someone is just by looking from the outside at their living arrangements.

In some countries, people living together without marriage can have an official status that is the SAME as marriage for all intents and purposes. This hints at the sentiment that yes, they are just as committed in practice, but it is still easier to extract oneself should a true need arise.

Getting to the point of actually living together IS a certain level of commitment - it MAY be, but not NEED be, less than the level of marriage. So in a way, I am disagreeing with both of you. ;)

This seems like a different thread now.

I have done the living together thing; a few times. But, I'm not the test. I understand what you're saying about statistics but there has been some recent noise about this and I think they are lumping into this the many people who 'just live together' without thinking about the future - that ups the failure rate.

Hi Vickie,

This is my first post here. I am 27, M from India in a relationship with 29 F (also from India).
Although the 2.5 years between us is not a big age difference, the going has been tough.
It tooks us over 3 years to have our families accept this relationship. Legally, this isn't
needed, but as mentioned elsewhere in this thread, Indian culture is fairly complex.

To put it in a nutshell, the way most Indians view the concept of marriage is:
"When you marry someone, you just dont marry that person, instead you marry the
entire family" .. Hence the concept of arranged marriage etc.. (wont go into this right now).

With the large age gap between the two of you, expect to face stiff resistance from his family.
Has he told your parents about you? Is he clear on how he intends to handle the situation?
Where are you going to live? Does he have a "green card" (or its equivalent) ? If not, how
will you handle the situation where he has to leave for India (due to visa expiry etc)? Are
you willing to relocate to India (not easy)? Are you sure that he is not into this for any other
reason (green card etc)?

Think and reason out all practical (short term and long term) aspects of marraige. If he's
clear and consistent about what he says and if you really really really trust him, then just
go for it.

Good Luck!

Well you are very lucky because in Hindu society a man can have more than one wife. You obviously love him enough to allow that if you are willing to let him go due to your love and empathy, and he need not get divorced either and shame the family. She will have to tolerate it...thats the custom, with kids she will be fine. I know 2 younger indian men who married white American women older than themselves and also had younger Indian wives and had kids and the Indian side lived in India with his family and the American side in the US and he travelled between. Families adapted. Best of both worlds and the older had lots of time to pursue her other interests. Hard to understhand the allure of white western flesh in the average Indian mind. its pecular, of no real value but bizarrely true. :cool:

Oh yes, and youre right, Indian men really seem to be special. my yumm says, "See what an Indian can do!!!"