Should I keep my options open?

Hi all,

I need your wise words again. I have been with my boyfriend(26 yo) for a year and a half. Although he loves me, he is not yet ready to commit for the long term. We don't make any plans for the future and this makes me think perhaps we are not sure about eachother and maybe not meant to be together for the long term.

Family friends would like to introduce me to an older man from similar cultural background. I am curious what would happen if I did meet this man.

My question is were you ever in a simlar situation where you wanted to find the one the true love.. your current boyfriend did not want the same thing yet so you went and kept your options open? If so, did it work out for the better in the end? What did you tell your boyfriend or the new guy. Would you advise me to be patient and loving if we both love eachother for the YM to be ready?

Thanks! I eagerly wait your responses.

Why should you stay in a situation where your needs aren't being met? The fact that you are "curious" as to what may happen with this older fellow, shows that you are not getting what you need from the current relationship, otherwise you would not even consider it. However, if you are going to go out with the older one, you should break things off with your ym, no cheating! :)

Hi all,

I need your wise words again. I have been with my boyfriend(26 yo) for a year and a half. Although he loves me, he is not yet ready to commit for the long term. We don't make any plans for the future and this makes me think perhaps we are not sure about eachother and maybe not meant to be together for the long term.

Family friends would like to introduce me to an older man from similar cultural background. I am curious what would happen if I did meet this man.

My question is were you ever in a simlar situation where you wanted to find the one the true love.. your current boyfriend did not want the same thing yet so you went and kept your options open? If so, did it work out for the better in the end? What did you tell your boyfriend or the new guy. Would you advise me to be patient and loving if we both love eachother for the YM to be ready?

Thanks! I eagerly wait your responses.

:whip:

I think you should meet the guy your pals want you to meet! If you have been with this fella a year and a half and he's still wishy washy--don't settle! I can 1000 percent guarantee you that he won't if the shoe were on the other foot!
Just my experience here: I did NOT go out with someone I wanted to last year when my fella showed some qualms and I realized that I sooooo shoulda gone!
Ali

:whip:
Why won't it work???? Boo hoo!

So basically the advice is, if a guy doesn't want to get married after only dating a year and a half, dump him for the first guy someone mentions to you? I know the OP said that they don't even talk about the future together, and that's gotta be disheartening... but still. I think we as women sometimes take "getting our needs met" to an extreme... we can't get everything we want, the very second we want it.

My advice would be this: try to talk to your boyfriend. See if you can get a dialogue going about the future of this relationship. If he is unable to satisfy you in that regard, you need to consider ending it. I don't think you should necessarily be making dates before you even break up with the guy.

PC....

I recommended the OP to break up w/ her ym before starting something else. My advice is based on the idea that they have communicated about the future and he is not buying into it. I think a year and a half is PLENTY of time to know if things are going to move forward are not. If she wants marriage and he doesn't, why wait it out? As an older woman, we usually have the life experience to know what we do and do not want, that's one benefit of living awhile. :)

Yes, she should break up with the dude. She's been with him a year and a half and she wants more from her relationship with him than he wants from her. I'd say that is a BIG RED FLAG in my book. There is nothing quite so liberating as starting over.
Ali

I'm not saying she shouldn't break up with him... just that she shouldn't just because someone knows someone else she should date.

And personally, I don't think a year and a half is all that long. I know lots of couples who waited longer... usually because the guy wasn't sure at first, but was able to increase his commitment over time, and there is nothing wrong with that. A lot of times, guys who rush in to things end up having doubts and second thoughts later on, pulling away at some point to "think things through".

Of course, by that point there should probably be some talk about the direction of things.

Hi, thanks for the advice. You are right it's probably wrong to go on a date. My mother is advising me to become friends with this guy. Even maybe have some e-mail exchange.

I talked to my boyfriend last night. I told him that I was concerned about our future. He said that sometimes he could imagine growing old with me but at other times he believes 26 is too young to make a commitment. I asked whether he wonders what the other side of the fence is like dating other women and he said yes he wonders sometimes.

Recently, I stayed with him for two weeks straight and I think he needed his space. I usually sleep over but we do not spend much time together.. I might go over to his place around 11pm because it's closer and safer after uni to get to. But even these little time we spend together seem to make him want space. I don't understand this. I remember needing space with boyfriends who I didn't fancy that much. Am I overeacting? I guess some guys need space... but do people who eventually get married and have good relationships need space? A friend of mine started living working and studying together with this girl and he never gets sick of her... he says that she's so easy to get along makes him laugh etc... and he thinks he needed space in previous relationships because he wasn't really in love.

Anyway towards the end of the conversation boyfriend mentioned that he was waiting for a time apart (a week or so) so he could feel the romance again. I don't like this comment either. I told him he can have a whole month. I also told him that now I know how he feels I need to make some adjustments.. such as loving him less. I know it sounds cruel.. but I think I get hurt and feel sensitive because I love him too much. I figure if I love him less, I will be needing less and expect less from him.

I've considered breaking up with him too last night. I couldn't sleep.... am I being fair? Maybe it's really because of his age. It's really hard to believe that he truly care and love me when he can't commit to me. Is this wrong? What is true love ...

Why do alot women have to be committed to to fee really loved. Are we that scared of being abandoned?

Is wanting someone to truly love me unconditionally and be there for me equate to wanting a marriage? Does marriage really bring a sense of security and benefit both parties and the relationship?

Sorry if I'm babbling on... but I am very confused. I am kind of starting to see love as a hazaard... not such a good thing emotionally for me. I am tempted to give up on it. Concentrate more on things that are rewarding. I guess relationship is rewarding but can be such a heartache too..affecting all other areas of life.

I think its great everyone is speaking from their own experience and feelings base, and I also agree that you should end it if you are going to see or start up something new with someone else...thats only fair....

but PC is right....sometimes 18 months is a short time to us but a long time to someone younger...he doesn't have to commit but it doesn't mean he doesn't love her

cocodie I have the same situation without feeling angst about it...Daniel is 26 and we have been together nearly two years...we don't live together (formally) but we spend nearly every night together...

the prime reason is because we are both really strong personalities and we need our space. The other is he likes time out and so do I...we like different types of people as freinds and he likes to hang out with his mates, while I like to catch up with mine fairly often, as well as spend alone time with my kids...

This arrangement suits us, sure it would be great if we did live together but we'd probably kill each other. Contrary to your situation however, we are committed to this long term, even if it stays like this, because we do know that we love one another, he doesn't want anyone else and neither do I.

It sounds from your last post that you are starting to pull away from your connection with him. This may not be a bad thing if its starting to cause you a lot of anxiety about the state of things, and he is not reasuring you. Maybe its time for that conversation about moving on.

Just a question...what's yr cultural background...is there a reason your mum doesn't recognise this relationship? a reason why she's so keen to hook you up with this new person?

Hey girl. I'm going thru the same thing! But we were not together as long. Hey, to me it boils down 2 if you're giving your body soul & heart 2 this guy and he's not sure about the future it's insulting. Why should you give him your love if he's not sure about you? I have seen examples of men who fall in love with women and don't sit around and go "Well, I'm not sure..."
1. Candace Bushnell the author of Sex and The City was unmarried at 43, met 33 year old Charles Askegard, principle dancer of the New York ballet, he fell madly in love with her and they were married around 9 months later on the beach. Look it up, it will cheer u up.
2. Juliet Mills around 39 met 20 something Maxwell Caulfield and they've been married ever since! (Just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary!) Check it out!
http://www.ehrensteinland.com/htmls/g005/julietmillsandmaxwellcaulfield.html
These guys didn't have problems figuring out if they wanted to!!
So, for me personally, I would rather free myself from negative toxic energy like that and keep myself open to true love! Trust yourself!

"Anyway towards the end of the conversation boyfriend mentioned that he was waiting for a time apart (a week or so) so he could feel the romance again. I don't like this comment either. I told him he can have a whole month. I also told him that now I know how he feels I need to make some adjustments.. such as loving him less. I know it sounds cruel.. but I think I get hurt and feel sensitive because I love him too much. I figure if I love him less, I will be needing less and expect less from him.

I've considered breaking up with him too last night. I couldn't sleep.... am I being fair? Maybe it's really because of his age. It's really hard to believe that he truly care and love me when he can't commit to me. Is this wrong? What is true love ..."

Are YOU being fair? Oh please while he's sitting up in there taking full advantage of the situation and calling the shots on top of that? (No disrespec intended :)) He needs a week or so? Hmmmm....HOW DOES FOR-FRIKKEN-EVER SOUND? Please know that this is just my personal opinion but if it were me, I'd be so turned off. It sounds like your self esteem has taken a beating. You are very young, 36 according to your profile, so how about getting excited about the prospect of SOMETHING NEW!!! If it were me, I would bail and start over! You'll have fun and get yourself back.

Cocodie, I have a question. Is he aware that you want marriage or are you just wanting a long term commitment. Which one is he bucking on?

You see, for me I want a commitment, but I'm not ready for marriage or even ready to call it long term. This doesn't mean I don't love my YM, much to the contrary.....I positively adore him and I think about the future lots, but I'm not ready to commit to marriage. See where I'm coming from? But, I've only been separated/divorced from my ex-husband for almost two years now, so that may explain my hesitation.

What I really want to say is that even if he's not ready for long-term/marriage type commitment doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he doesn't think about it and to be perfectly honest, you don't want him to commit until he's ready because it will never work.

I'm not advocating leaving or staying because you need to decide what's acceptable for you. What you can and cannot live with. Good luck and God bless.

In your last post you said about four worriesome things. Mainly, to me when I see a guy and girl sleeping together and not being comfortable at other times during the day and nite together it's usually a good sign that this is basically, AT LEAST FOR ONE PARTNER, a physical thing. Not that there's anything wrong with the purely physical, but we all know how easy it is to wind up confused because inevitably one partner feels more for the other and hurt feelings happen. Your guy should not want to escape from you! I wish you would write AdviceAmy@aol.com about this with your email addy and see what she says to you! People here hold on a lot longer sometimes than really healthy. Honestly, despite other advice, I'm standing my ground and saying that a year and a half is enough to know if your ym is emotionally available!

I'm sad for your situation, because I can see you holding on too long and wasting precious time.

Ali

Hey girl. I'm going thru the same thing! But we were not together as long. Hey, to me it boils down 2 if you're giving your body soul & heart 2 this guy and he's not sure about the future it's insulting. Why should you give him your love if he's not sure about you? I have seen examples of men who fall in love with women and don't sit around and go "Well, I'm not sure..."
1. Candace Bushnell the author of Sex and The City was unmarried at 43, met 33 year old Charles Askegard, principle dancer of the New York ballet, he fell madly in love with her and they were married around 9 months later on the beach. Look it up, it will cheer u up.
2. Juliet Mills around 39 met 20 something Maxwell Caulfield and they've been married ever since! (Just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary!) Check it out!
http://www.ehrensteinland.com/htmls/g005/julietmillsandmaxwellcaulfield.html
These guys didn't have problems figuring out if they wanted to!!
So, for me personally, I would rather free myself from negative toxic energy like that and keep myself open to true love! Trust yourself!

"Anyway towards the end of the conversation boyfriend mentioned that he was waiting for a time apart (a week or so) so he could feel the romance again. I don't like this comment either. I told him he can have a whole month. I also told him that now I know how he feels I need to make some adjustments.. such as loving him less. I know it sounds cruel.. but I think I get hurt and feel sensitive because I love him too much. I figure if I love him less, I will be needing less and expect less from him.

I've considered breaking up with him too last night. I couldn't sleep.... am I being fair? Maybe it's really because of his age. It's really hard to believe that he truly care and love me when he can't commit to me. Is this wrong? What is true love ..."

Are YOU being fair? Oh please while he's sitting up in there taking full advantage of the situation and calling the shots on top of that? (No disrespec intended :)) He needs a week or so? Hmmmm....HOW DOES FOR-FRIKKEN-EVER SOUND? Please know that this is just my personal opinion but if it were me, I'd be so turned off. It sounds like your self esteem has taken a beating. You are very young, 36 according to your profile, so how about getting excited about the prospect of SOMETHING NEW!!! If it were me, I would bail and start over! You'll have fun and get yourself back.


Cheers!!!!!

Ali

What I would do:
1. Accept the time-out
2. Tell him that during the time out you are going to go out with other people and that he has the same option should he want to.
3. Go out with the older man and see if you like him (just go out, no intimacy)
4. Play it by ear from this point on.

There are so many things that could happen like he could decide he misses you a lot and wants you more, or maybe he could decide he is better of without you, or you could feel these same things.

The meeting with the other man may work or not.

So many options, nobody here has a cristal ball.

Just be honest about everything you do, including not giving false hope to this new person you are meeting.

I remember my bf and I decided we were going to have a one week time out and it did not even last 24 hours. Actually it was the funniest thing when we were honestly trying to have the time out and we were just drawn to each other like magnets. It was so hot my bf ended up saying "Oh I love these time outs".

Another little anecdote. One of my best friends had a 15 year relationship with her now husband. He would just not commit. She waited patiently and now they are the proud parents of twins (she was 43 when she had them).

If he knows that you want a long-term relationship that leads to marriage, then 18 months is long enough for him to know if he wants the same thing. I dont see wasting time with someone thats not able to give you what you're looking for.

I see it this way....you guys are together, sleeping together, loving each other and playing the role as a couple. But he's not ready to commit to something permanet. So why should you continue if you know you're not going to get the type of relationship that leads to marriage? Its like playing house but with the option of only playing when he wants to play.

I would let him know how you feel about the situation.
Take some time off and see other people, do other things.
Keep in casual contact with him and if he wants you in his life the way you want him, he'll let you know. If not, then it wasnt meant to be.

just my 2 cents

Some really good adivces. I really appreciate it. My cultural background is asian. He is Australian. To make matters worse my younger brother dated a girl 9 years younger and they plan to get married next year and they've only been dating 6 months. I guess that makes me kind of jealous.

You see I am not trying to get him to commit to me long term or marriage. I just want to know whether his lack of commitment is due to lack of love. It's confusing because he tells me he loves me and he says that he will tell me if there is never a future for us.. but whenever I ask him about the future it doesn't seem optimistic.

It is true that in previous relatinships I have always felt confident but I also did not fall for the guys. I was always the aloof one. In this case I fell too quickly big physical attraction... and the fact that he is 7 years younger makes me question my attractiveness and because he is a gentle passive type of guy I have to do alot of work.. I guess this all adds upto whether I am with the right person. When I don't worry things are wonderful we are affectionate and easy to get along with. Sometimes I don't think we have fun or laugh unless I make alot of effort. I also sometimes wonder whether I need someone who is wise and emotionally mature becuase relationships are hard isn't it? It can't take just one person to work through issues.

I guess I hold on to this because I haven't fallen in love in like 16 years and he does have alot of the qualities I look for in a man. I am really fussy about guys I like.

arghh.. frustrating.. it's so hard to break up in this case. I am afraid that I'll regret it.

Oh I mentioned that maybe I should keep my options open and he said that wouldn't work. So I guess it's about either breaking up or put up with it.

Is alot of love about being patient and putting up with it?

Is it normal to feel anger towards someone you love? Like acutally wishing harm sometimes??? Like breaking up with him in the middle of the exam so he suffers... I'm not this kind of a person. it worries me.

So you're head over hills in love with this guy and even though he says he loves you, you're unsure if he's head over hills in love with you. You see his not wanting to make a long term commitment as he's not in love with you, the way you are with him...........

In the past you've been the person that pretty much called the shots in the relationships, meaning guys felt for you as you feel for this guy, but you didnt feel the same for them.

If this is true ......sounds like you're somewhat insecure about his feelings and this relationship. You should explain your feelings to him and see where it goes from there.

What was his reason for not agreeing to keeping the options open?

I've never loved someone yet wanted to see harm come to them. Yes, I've been mad as heck......but I wouldnt want anything to go wrong in persons life.

Cheers!!!!!

Ali

Thank you so much...I know I got a little carried away...:rolleyes: but I'm a girls girl...Just looking out for a sister! (My best friend and I talk this way 2 each other all the time!) XO

Hey girl! I'm rooting 4 you here! :)

It's confusing because he tells me he loves me and he says that he will tell me if there is never a future for us.. but whenever I ask him about the future it doesn't seem optimistic.

He will tell you?
Ah, that's nice.

and the fact that he is 7 years younger makes me question my attractiveness

Girl you can forget about this one, there are PLENTY of guys who find older women very attractive...look at my first post! 7 years is not such a huge gap anyway!!

and because he is a gentle passive type of guy I have to do alot of work..

No wonder you're frustrated! You need someone to take you in his arms take control, make you giggle and laugh like you deserve! I'm going to come over there right now and we're going out girl! ;)

Sometimes I don't think we have fun or laugh unless I make alot of effort.

Sigh...now you're making me sad...that just aint right.

Oh I mentioned that maybe I should keep my options open and he said that wouldn't work. So I guess it's about either breaking up or put up with it.

He said that wouldn't work?
Oh, I'm sorry, well I'll just be a good girl and wait over here 4 you for a week or so while you do whatever. (I know that's not what you're doing...it's like that's what he's asking!)

Is alot of love about being patient and putting up with it?

When you have a loving wonderful relationship of course we go thru ups and downs but this one seems very one sided so why should you put up with it?


Is it normal to feel anger towards someone you love? Like acutally wishing harm sometimes??? Like breaking up with him in the middle of the exam so he suffers... I'm not this kind of a person. it worries me.

This is because you're repressing your unhappiness and it's turning into anger. In my opinion you have to stand up for yourself and move on. Why would you regret breaking up with someone who makes you feel like that? Don’t you think you could meet anyone else? Someone wonderful? I hope you do. Wish him well, don't resent him, forgive him and move on. (Just what I would do.)

It sounds to me like he just dunno yet. Which is OK. What isn't OK is you not being allowed to explore other options while he dunno. Doubt goes two ways. Either you're in a committed relationship in which you are seriously considering a future together or you're not. If you are, then he needs to tell you so. If you're not, then you can see other people. Tell him it's one or the other.

Your decision to see others will allow you the freedom to let someone else into your life who might love you as you wish to be loved. Letting go is not all bad!
Ali
:p

I saw my BF last night and he asked what I meant by seing other people and I said that it would be having a coffee going on a date. Not having 2 physical relationships at the same time. In this case, he said it would be fine.

I asked whether he would be jealous but he said that if i met a nice guy he would be happy for me as he loves me. I asked whether he would be interested in using this opportunity to see someone else too and he said that if our relationship ended he would need a break.

I talked to him tonight and he seemed a little annoyed of the whole idea and thought I wasn't committed to him.. but I explained that he wasn't committed to me either. He nodded to that. Anyway I don't plan to act on it right away. We will discuss this further after a week.

Wish us luck. thanks for all the feedback