Newbie -- I'm a little nervous...

Hello all -- I'm really glad I found this community -- it's great!

I'm writing because I'm a bit nervous about a potential relationship. He's 22, I'm 34. We met on a personals website; he lives across the country and we've been IM-ing and talking on the phone for about a month now. He's convinced that he's in love with me, but I feel that it's impossible to know until we meet in person. So we've been talking about having him visit me, and that will probably happen next week -- !

I've had online responses from guys his age before, and usually I don't respond, or I say "Thanks, I'm flattered, I'm old enough to be your mom, take care!" But something about his initial message really moved me. For one thing, he's very clear that he wants to get married within the next couple of years -- which is more than I can say for most of the 30- and 40-somethings I've dated before. He also wants kids, as do I. I only recently came to feel this way, and I'm going to be 35 in September, so I feel that if I want to be a mom, I need to get on it soon!

I made it clear to him from the start that I didn't consider us to be exclusive. It didn't make sense to me to limit myself to a long-distance, never-met-in-person situation. So I am seeing someone local as well; I don't yet know where that relationship could go. This other guy 31 and really into me, but doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get serious.

You're all welcome to laugh at me for this, but, I'm freaking out about how OLD I am. I really want to get married, and I don't want to wait much longer. As much as I've enjoyed "playing the field," I'm ready to get down to the business of loving someone and building a life together.

As for my 22-year-old suitor, I have the usual concerns: is he really mature and responsible enough to be my husband and father to my kid(s)? Will I still be able to satisfy him sexually someday when I'm menopausal and he's still a horny 30-something? Will our families accept us? Will we be able to understand each other?

I look forward to your thoughts. :)

p.s. the phone sex is fabulous! :D

At 34 and 22, you are hardly old enough to be his mom. It sounds a bit soon to be considering marriage with either of these dudes. Slow down... take your time..

Umm.. you're NOT old enough to be his mom. LOL. :eek:

But, firstly I should welcome you! WELCOME! I'm 33 and have been dating/living with my YM (Litical around these parts) for over a year now and he just turned 20. So, it CAN work.

And, if he's the right guy and loves you and is mature and WANTS a commited relationship and family, absolutely he can be a good husband/father to your kids. I have two children who love and adore Litical and its the best "family" situation I've lived in as a grown adult. ;)

BUT, just like marcy said.. SLOW DOWN. One month is WAY too soon to know if this is a forever thing! LOL.

The thing is: for me... when Litical first wanted to be with me, I honestly didn't see why. I was consumed with doubt and thought I was too old and he too young and it would never work, but decided to take it one day at a time and see where it went. So far, its getting stronger and better everyday (1.5 years later dating, 1 year later living together)... you never know!!

But, don't rush it either!
~phosphorescent

virgomusic~

Welcome... not many people have children at the age of 12... so relax, as the other girls said, you are NOT old enough to be his mom. You are not OLD in any sense of the word. As someone said on here (very wise words) before... age is only a measure of how long you have been on this Earth. So, there ya go....I also think it's an attitude. If you think you are old, you will be. If you think you are young, you will be. So, give yourself an attitude adjustment, first of all! ;) Like marce and Fos said.... take your time, go slow. That is the best advice. Keep us posted! :)

I would have to say take it slow, for the matter of jumping into this quickly and finding out who ever you marry (older younger or the same birthdate as you) then have kids with can be a person that doesnt cope well with it all. I understand that you feel you may need to rush in some extent, but still love only works so fast, communication is key. When rushing love you can wind up being blind to things you wouldnt have done before. And like said before age is a number, the maturity level is of what the person has experianced in there life time, things they have learned and lived through so a hermit at age 70 can act like a 16 year old, while a 18 year old can have graduated early from hs, and allmost finished with collage and be one of the best people you have meet. People have friends of all ages, A significant other should be your best friend, so in that do you just make friends of your own age ?

Thank you for your responses everyone...you're right, I do tend to think ahead and over-think things! I'm just not yet used to this clock-is-ticking feeling!

So as for more immediate, short-term concerns...My YM is hesitant to visit, because he's worried that he won't be what I expect and that I won't like him. I have a similar concern, of course -- it's a risk that goes with the territory. But I want to find out one way or the other as soon as possible. I've found in my experience with online dating that it's best to meet in person quickly, otherwise you go too far in imagining what the other person is like and it can't help but be inaccurate. I've never been in a long-distance situation before, though, so it's a bigger risk, flying cross-country and all. I just don't know how long I can carry on this phone and IM thing -- it's fun, but it just seems like make-believe to me and I want real life.

He says he loves me, and every time he says it, I say, "That's really sweet, but how can you possibly know that yet?" And I don't say it back, and he's okay with that, but I still worry a little that he's way more into this than I am. I would like to meet him, but I don't want to hurt him. I know he's an adult and all, but still I worry.

Thanks again for responding!

Just meet him. You both need to know. It's irrelevant to my current relationship, but I once flew to Thailand to meet an on-line correspondent (A Brit working there). He wasn't my Prince Charming, but we're still good friends and I *had* to do it. Just take the trip with an open mind and see what happens. The sooner, the better IMHO.

Good advice... from all... but one comment FROM a menopausal woman.... the sex and my sex drive is better and higher than ever.... and we tend to match those drives of younger men! And I bet most of the women my age here can corroborate my story! It is a myth, for the most part, that we become dried up ole prunes! In fact, when I was your age, I had less of a sex drive due to 3 kids, being a teacher and having a husband who did not want to grow up! I was tooo tired and like YIKES... DO NOT TOUCH ME!!!!
Best of luck to you!

PS Desert... Everyone should take a chance like that....how exciting!