I dont want to loose her love, not now

Hi everybody,

This is my first post in this forum but I have been checking this
forum for about a month now.

Well, let me start off by explaining my current love situation.
I’m a male(23) and I'm in love with a woman(32).
I’ve always had a attraction towards older women, mainly because
mature woman know what they want in life and aren't afraid to
go for it. Also as a somewhat inexperienced male I feel very
comfortable around mature woman because the don’t play games
like younger women tend to do. And yes the sex is fantastic!

Now, two months ago while attending a dancing lesson I met this
gorgeous energetic girl, I immediately felt a strange attraction the first
time I danced with her. Since I haven’t been the same anymore. I knew
from the start she was older then me, I thought she was 26/27.
I even asked some of my mates and even they thought after meeting her
she could not be older then 27. But to be honest I didn’t even care for
her age that much, that’s why I didn’t even ask her about her age.
For I already had a terrible crush for her. After some hard weeks I
finally had the courage to ask her out on a date. The date turned
out to be so much more then I could possible hoped for.
That night we explained our deep feelings for each other and
spend the whole weekend together. :) The following weeks we’ve been
together a lot and doing all kinds of fun and romantic things. I never met
someone before I could connect so perfectly with on all levels.

And now the problem part kicks in. :( She just came out a of long-term
relationship were she was dumped by her ex and have been feeling lonely
for the past 6 months. She’s a very independent and strong woman but
she’s also very concerned about her future. She wants to settle down, have
kids and grow old with the man she loves. I’m however in different phase of
life. I’m not yet thinking about having kids and being stuck. Please don’t get
me wrong. I feel very deeply for this woman and I see myself growing old
with her. She knows this, but she also knows she cannot ask me to settle
down at such a young age. I still live with my parents but I’m moving out on
my own in six months. So I’m currently progression into uncharted territory.
I could ask her to wait for me, but how long can she wait?
Her biological clock is ticking and what would happen is she waited to long
and is unable to have kids anymore? We wouldn’t be able to have biological
children just because I feel a silly need for delaying.

We talked about this a lot and she’s certain that our relation has little to none
long-term potential. First because she doesn’t know if her feeling for me are
just simply to satisfy her sexual and romantic needs. Second, she’s uncertain
how long she can wait to settle down. Third, she afraid of what her family and
friends might think about our relationship. Fourth, she’s uncertain what
would happen when she turns 40 and hits the menopause. While I still would
be a young energetic man in my 30’s, who might loose interest in her when
noticing younger females.

Well, I say F#ck it! Life is uncertain all the way. And it doesn’t matter if your
man is 23 or 33, because he can still back out from the though of settling down
and he can still leave you for a much younger woman. I’m a man and man tends
to worry a lot less about these matters. We tend to keep things as simple as
possible and life our lives from moment to moment. I say anything is possible.
I don’t need any approval from my family or friends to be with the one I love.
I choose her, because she’s everything I need in a woman and I can give her
anything she’s desires in a man. We have been together for about a month
now and that’s way to short for making any solid future plans. hell, we could
be broken up by next week already and everything ends there. That’s why I
told her to take things slowly and see what happens the next months.
She agreed with me on this, but I can sense she’s still remains troubled.

I was hoping you could help me out on this, since most of you have already
dealt with these matter so many times.
What can I say to her to make her feel comfortable while dealing with this
fragile relationship?

I’m afraid of loosing her to some other man who is ready to settle down with her.

Thank you very much for taking time and effort by reading about
my troubled love life (and putting up with my poor English writing skills).

a male fox. in love

Welcome to ageless.

Quite honestly I think you're fighting an uphill battle. If you want an older woman, it is much easier to have one who doesn't have every one of the listed typical doubts, on top of the fact that very FEW of ANY age are good gambles when they have just been broken up with. The cards are stacked against you, no matter how you look at it. Really...I would not hang onto hope too hard. (And turning 40 is not like you suddenly hit an expiration date... :rolleyes:...and we don't just hit menopause like that. Your lady sounds like she has too much of her self-worth rolled up in what age she is and in her view she's declining in value. What's the big attraction to someone who is a walking "NO"?)

So..that's my take. (And I apologize for the appalling bad habit of my countrymen who cannot spell the word LOSE. The wrong spelling is ALL over the internet, more than the correct one, so now even other countries are picking it up! *sigh*)

Fox, you would do better in a situation where you don't have to work so hard to get someone to partner with you.

I don't have any wise advice except to agree with GoldieCat; 40 most definitely isn't some expiration date; I'm 45, no sign of menopause and life is better than ever in so many ways. It does sound as if she has some preconceived notion of what life's timetable should be, but one size doesn't fit all and you have to go with your own reality.

I agree with Goldie.

i'm 45 and still haven't gone through menopause. Are women in the Netherlands different in that or something? Tell her, she's misinform and to go to any women's clinic and pick up some information on menopause or maybe you could do it for her.

First of all, dont' always assume that ow are the pillars of knowing what they're about...not always true and when you weigh in other factors like a ym or being left by an ex or going through a divorce, we're at a point where our self worth has taken a beating and we're trying to recover. As you can see, with your girl, she is very much unsure of what she wants or where she's going. Maturity has nothing to do with, sometimes we are blindside by events, we deal with it (some better than others) and move on.

Eventually when we get past all our insecurities of the agr we do fine, but its a long road because at times some ym feel the same way you do and don't tell their ow, afraid of losing the ow. I think its great of you to at least let her know where you stand right now. Always, always have those levels of communication open. Alot of ym will tell the ow, he doesn't want kids and than 4/5 yrs down the road dump their ow for a yw because now the need to reproduce becomes the call of the wild.

In stating where you stand she can then make an inform decision as to where she wants to go with this. As much as you would like a long term relationship with her, you may have to come to the conclusion that you both are not on the same page in life. And the one thing you don't want to do is accommodate the other just to keep a romantic or sexual relationship going because that would be just plain dishonest. One or the other will soon be living a lie and that's not good for any relationship.

Paris

Thank you all for your insight about my issues.
Fighting a uphill battle? I don’t know about that, but what I do know is
that she really has strong feelings for me and those feelings are growing
the more time we spend together. Yes, I believe this is just a temporary
thing and by time those issues will become less important to her and me.
We have been seeing each other a lot lately and this might be to pressuring
for her. I have been thinking about trying to see her less frequently for
the coming weeks, by filling my schedule with work and sport instead
of keeping it open for potential dates. Do you think that’s a good idea?

Two weeks ago we talked openly about our issues and made some hard
agreements:
1. We should always be open and honest to each other no matter what happens.
2. We both keep our former lives intact, by sticking with our hobby’s
and spending social time with other people also.
3. We take this relationship slowly and try not to rush things.
4. We try not to have too high expectations of this relationship

She often told me while she’s with me, she doesn’t feel like 32 old and
that our age gap isn’t apparent anymore. I feel the same way.
I make her feel happy and beautiful again. I know what you’re thinking.
She could be using me as a “toy boy”. Well if that’s the case then I’m fine
with that. At least we’ll be together and having a good time.
And when our relationship ends we just have to be grateful for all the time
we got to spend with each other and move on with our lives.

I still believe its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all.
But what do I know? I’m just a fool in love. :rolleyes:

I disagree with a lot that has been said, & I'm saying a lot, so you will need to put it together.

9 years is on the outer limit of same-generation. Her reasons for thinking there is no long-term potential have no real basis in your age gap. Your only challenge as far as age goes is that it takes a little longer for friends to accept an ow/ym relationship. All the rest are personal issues that need time & communication. She will need time with ANY man, not just you. She's not having kids next week unless she's either crazy or has secretly been dating another man for 2 years.

If you are both medically normal, you have about 13 years. I had kids at 22, 28, 35 & 37. ALL my pregnancies were the same & I am still fertile. I know a couple who had kids when the woman was 42 & 44. I can go on & on; older pregnant women are common. If you think that is your issue, you are very wrong. You both need to discuss when you want kids & how many, & get to know your partner & get married, so I think you have plenty of time whether you have kids with each other or with completely new people.

I do agree that older women don't always have everything figured out. In her case, she sounds even more insecure & confused than ME! (issues I'm working very hard to resolve) I even suspect the other ladies in the group giggle that your lady thinks she's old. The only way to overcome her hurt & insecurities is to slow down & force yourselves to let it grow, not MAKE it grow.

As for ym leaving their ow for a yw, I keep worrying that is a risk & I keep finding evidence that a man who has little concern for age is LESS likely to leave his ow for a yw, probably because if he were very obsessed with the "young stuff" appeal he would never even consider an ow in the first place.

Everyone should consider whether a relationship is loving or only sexual, which is another reason you need to slow down. I doubt she's using you as a toy but maybe SHE worries about it; again, that can happen in any relationship, so slow down & let love grow. Yes, I think you should plan other activities & try not to see her every chance you get. That can burn out a relationship.