new - and really need advice

Hi Im new here and hope some of you can give me some advise Since having 4 children (2 to first husband and two with current husband) I feel totally embaressed of my body. I have severe stretch marks abd loose skin and my breasts sag. I also have excess weight of around 10 kilos which I am working on losing. I seemed to feel ok about myself right up until the last few years which is strange because all the things I described were there before then.(My youngest is 7, eldest 16) This is not helped by the fact that my husband makes negative comments and compares me negatively to other women in porn and real life. I have gotten to the point where I cant undress in front of him. I know this is about self esteem but I just dont know where to start. My husband and I have attended marriage counselling and the counselor suggested that it is perfectly normal for him to complain about my excess weight. Also didnt seem to think it was any big issue that he complains about breasts, stretch marks etc. She did suggest that he leaves the porn alone though as its not sharing his sexuality with me. He has been very kind and apologised for these remarks, saying that they are his issues.But the truth is I feel like its all back on me to change to meet expectations or accept that my husband would find me unattractive.Another part of me is resisting this and feels that his ideals are socially constructed therefore hes the one who needs to change.? ie if I had plastic surgery wouldnt he just raise the bar further? and we're all getting older so I feel like I can never win anyway because I will not be accepted as I am. I feel guilty for allowing how he sees me to affect me so deeply. Any advise appreciated.

How one takes coments about a need to lose weight depends a lot on how tactful those comments are. I think that if he is rude or hurtful you should let him know that he is hurting you. I also think that if you are not happy with your looks and you can lose weight, you should try to lose it just so you can be happy with your looks. If plastic surgery is an option, consider it. I had it and wow, it does make a difference.

By your post I assume your husband is a model-quality hunk of man because otherwise I dont know why YOU have not bought a Playgirl and started comparing HIM to the male models in the magazine.

Off the top of my head I think I'd suggest trying a new therapist! :confused:

Not that any partner in a relationship cant mention something about the other's physical appearance that could use some sprucing up (we had a thread about this a while back I think...where hubby refused wife sex until she lost weight. I believe she began losing and going to the gym but I think her newfound confidence had her responding to other mens' interest once she realized she wasnt the revolting hog her husband made her out to be!).

I dont think the therapist telling you its perfectly fine for hubby to complain about weight and sagging breasts and stretchmarks is normal.
Perhaps its normal for him to say that he'd prefer if you lost some weight and come up with ideas to do so together or make it easier for you to accomplish---however complaining about the physical effects of childbirth on your body? Unacceptable!!!!!! And ESPECIALLY unacceptable for the fact that you have had HIS children.

Men who do this dont seem to realize that a confident woman = sexy, strong/uninhibited woman who feels her power/beauty/sexuality and is more likely to be a dynamo in the bedroom.
One who feels ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with her own body as a result of his comments is not going to make a good sexual partner, or life partner. Its like cutting their noses off to spite their faces if you ask me even without going into the detriment on YOUR self esteeem and psyche.

Shelia, I love your suggestion---lorel buy that magazine with tanned, buff/ripped and hung gorgeous young hunks in it and begin complaining about your husband's body. After all, thats perfectly normal! ;)

Oh and WELCOME!

Hi Lorel,
I must say... that I know you are a beautiful woman, inside as well as out! I am sorry that your husband has made you feel that you are not beautiful :( I am, a BBW, big beautiful woman my self. Yes, I have done all the diets in the world and I am still too plump. To tell you that I would never want to be thinner is a lie, but I accept my self as I am today. I am very lucky to have a young man who loves larger ladies, and loves every inch of me. I have never felt beautiful untill I became involved with him 16 months ago. My other husbands have use words to me like "fat, too fat, ugly. saying that I am a turn off, and the ever popular.."you look like a fat hog". Now I hear phrases like, "you are so soft and beautiful, and you have a womans body"..my man believes women should be soft and round, and thinks I am very sexy. The first time we were intimate, I felt I needed to appoligize to him for my size...and said something about being "big"...He just looked at me, with such wonder in his face.. and said "big?? who told you you were big... You are NOT big!"I thought to my self.."ahhhh yes I am..." but to him, I am beautiful...we shower together, and I am free to be nude with him and not feel like I should be hiding. My boyfriend is from Africa, granted many men from that country see beauty differently from many americans, but being with a man such as he has made believe I am sexy and desireable, as well as increasing my self esteem. I find I am much more out going in my daily routines in life. We all want to be lean and thin.....but I have always had weight issues, and do find that I am more acceptance of my self at this time in my life. I am a Nurse, I know health risks that come with being over weight, but I am what I am.
My friend, I dont know how to advise you...just be healthy in eating and exercise, but above all...love your self for who you are. You have the same loving heart now as a BBW, as you did when you were of a lesser weight. Your husband needs a reality check, I am sure he is not the all American pin up boy either! Learn to accept your self as you are today! If the pounds drop off, fine, if not fine too! There is an organization called NAFTA, national acceptance of fat americans. I am not a member, and never heard of the organization..infact, my boyfriend knew of it and told me about it..They have a web site, and even a look through will help you to understand what I am talking about. Love you self, your soft curvy body, and know you have value! God loves you... no matter how you look.

exactly what these other women said!

and that therapist should be replaced, my god you go there to address these issues and they say those remarks are ok????

Hi again,thanks for you knid support yes, I think a new therapist is a good starting point. He has basically made it clear that even if I lose the excess 20pounds Im carrying he will still find me less than physically attractive as the strtech marks and breast sagging (which is mild at this stage but now Im worried as it will probably increase) will remain.
So I guess its up to me to work out whether I can live with that knowledge .........


BTW Ravenglow: they say everyone has a double somewhere in the world? Are you mine? I had to do a double take as I though someone had somehow added my picture.......we look very similar by the looks of your picture lol

BTW Ravenglow: they say everyone has a double somewhere in the world? Are you mine? I had to do a double take as I though someone had somehow added my picture.......we look very similar by the looks of your picture lol

Well lorel!!! Thats fabulous news hehehe...Listen, I have stretch marks and all the rest from having my son, AND more than 20 lbs to lose; but have no problem attracting men (finding a good one may be like finding a needle in a haystack)!
I too had a relationship in which my SO would tell me horrible things about my body--each part in detail and give reasons why no other man would touch me with a 10 ft. pole.
Guess what? After I kicked him out and got thru the mourning and personal growth I realized he was DEAD WRONG!

Get a new therapist and find what makes you strong whatever that may be...and work it girl! :p

I recall my grandmother being proud of her grey hair and wrinkles, she saw them as an earned badge of honor (she probably had stretch marks too but nice ladies didn't talk about things like that).
The youth worship in todays culture is just plain silly. We have gained a bit in that 'nice ladies' can talk about sex but lost much in a quest for never ending youth.
The man who has to pick on physical imperfections, especially those that come with age, is most likely very insecure himself and is really trying to bring you down to his level of insecurity and low self esteem.

I agree with Raven I think you need a new therapist.....

I know I have gained a lot of weight since I had my son.... My husband does tell me he's concerned with the weight I've gained due to health reasons but he NEVER insults me or is negative towards me he loves me and HE helps me. and it's Support and LOve that gets me thru my diet!!!! so I do think you need to see a new counselor because love is not skin deep......

I know how you feel because it happened to me 3 times, & I think you should dump the husband because he will never accept you, even if you get surgery. He is obsessed & greedy. Some people look for flawless, but in doing so they are looking for flaws.

Mister Rogers was the only person who told me every day that I'm a valuable human being on the inside. After I grew up I was nearly physically flawless & that is the worst thing that can happen to a person. Men threw themselves at me & I figured the most persistent one must love me the most. In truth he was the most obsessed & greedy.

I married at 21 & had a baby at 22, gained 60 pounds & my husband was telling people that turned him off, flirting with my female friends, & renting mass quantities of porn videos. Even though I lost most of the weight by age 23 the damage was done & we split up. Incidentally I lost all the rest of the weight.

Take 2: I married again at 26, had my 2nd baby at 28 & that husband wouldn't shut up about the hot chicks that were after him at work & college (he went to college after we had our baby), he used porn, he told me I looked like a box, he masturbated more than we had sex & he avoided my sexual advances. We split up when I was 30. By then I had lost 80% of the pregnancy weight & was still extremely attractive.

I tried to be more selective & take more time the 3rd time. I thought he was a good catch because he was more upwardly mobile than the others. We had a baby when I was 35 but before I could lose the weight I had another at 36. Plus, a 4-baby mom's body is nothing like a 2-baby mom's body. It was more than he could tolerate. He turned out to be the cruelest of them all, & he reminds me of what you say about YOUR husband.

In the beginning he did make comments about what flaws I had, but I was able to blow it off because there wasn't much he could pick on. Toward the end the comments got excessive & expanded into other aspects like my personality, my cooking & my hobbies. He had expanded his dissatisfaction of my imperfect physique into dissatisfaction with my imperfect inner-person. I became depressed so he told me to take anti-depressants. I did, but the sadness & the cause of it were still there. So I became angry because he was so condescending that he was literally shutting me down & I was actually GAINING more weight & losing my personal strength, skills & wit. So he told me to take mood stabilizers or we'd get divorced.

I was 100% convinced I could never attract a man again - 100% convinced, I kid you not - but the heartbreak was more painful than loneliness so I agreed to divorce. That was October 2004. Old, fat & saggy on the outside now, the baggage of 4 kids & 3 ex-husbands. Once I didn't expect men to be interested I was free to be me. To my utter shock more men have been interested in me than ever before in my life, & most of them are extremely attractive &/or upwardly mobile.

I wish things could've worked with my husband, but being married to the father of your child(ren) isn't the end-all-be-all. It's simply unconventional. We are very effective at co-parenting. My kids are happier now that I don't live with someone who puts me down. My boyfriend is nicer to me than any man I've ever dated, gorgeous & the most industrious, goal-oriented upwardly mobile person I've ever met. Of course he doesn't compliment me on my droopy, squishy belly, but he likes my pretty face & he loves ME, & I'm sure you have something physical your husband COULD appreciate, if he would bother to notice. He doesn't appreciate your inner or outer beauty. Appreciating a lack of flaws (internal as well as physical) is not the same as appreciating beauty.

You know the truth, otherwise you wouldn't have asked us about this. Don't let those people dupe you anymore. They are small people living in their small world.

Well, if he's turned off by saggs or stretch marks, he will always be dissappointed. No matter who he is with, they will eventually sag too. You might also remind him that porn is cheating on you in his mind and that those bimbos are airbrushed to look the way they do anyway, so they aren't even real. By the time he's old enough to not have to worry about a gal getting sags or stretch marks, he'll be so saggy that no gal will have him, so you may also wish to point out his double standard.

My lady certainly isn't sag free, not at 56, nor is she wrinkle free, but she is a beautiful lady. She can sag all she wants, it won't matter to me. The lady I love is not an airbrushed picture, but a real lady. Yes, as time goes on, she will look older. But so what? I will too. When we are together and sharing our thoughts and dreams, looks are never on the list. As for her sagging a bit here and there, well, that can be sexy too :D !

Dan Echo

Bad bad therapist - must replace this one immediately!

Hugs to you on this.. it's a tough place to be in and such an unkind situation.
It always pains me to hear a person putting another person in such a place
by speaking ill of one's physical state (most assuredly when it is largely due
to bearing children!).

If you should consider plastic surgery ~ do it only for yourself~
This is something that is a personal choice and can never be done
for someone else or to achieve a goal outside of your own personal
feelings for your body and well being.

As to what his attitude would be if you had plastic surgery... I've
seen a number of those situations. Most often, the person who had
so much to say becomes jealous and insecure when the other
persons' image changes.

It's a sad situation when a relationship goes in this direction.

Please keep confidence in yourself, your beauty inside and out and
stay strong and positive. It can be the hardest thing in the world to
deal with another person who is causing you to think less of yourself.

No comment on men who do this to women in general. Women are
truly like fine wine.. we just get better and better. Praise be to those
men who realize this and love/appreciate us for it.

Remember, prayer is a miracle worker..

Jas

Women are
truly like fine wine.. we just get better and better. Praise be to those
men who realize this and love/appreciate us for it.
Jas

How true, how true!! I keep telling my lady this when she wonders why I don't dig a younger gal. I look at her and know that the best is yet to come :D

Dan Echo