The ex is single again........

he came home and told me that him (my YM) and his ex were in touch again yesterday. he found out she had split up from her bf (my ex!!??) and so he wanted to find out the goss? she told him that she was living on her own now and that he would love her new place!

him and i have talked about moving to the same city she lives in (for different reason as we were both thinking of moving there before we even met) anyway, she asked him when he was going to move because he talks about it but never does it. he told her that once he gets a bit of money together that he will probably move then. she asked about me and if i was going to move to and he answered that 'not sure if she wants to go yet but we will suss that out later'

once again, he told me he is totally over her (and i have nothing to worry about - and he did tell me that they had been in touch) but is pleased to have her as a friend again as they had a long and quite close relationship before getting together

what do i do here? should i get angry and not accept that he still has contact? tell him its her or me? she is a liar and i know she is trying to work her way back in to his heart! im scared and want to do the right thing here. i dont want to stop him from being true to himself but it hurts that he still has the time of day for someone who hurt him so much?

i am so happy that he is honest with me but i am a little insecure as his feelings for me are still not completely clear......... im trying to be positive here but im hurting and confused??

Listen, you can only control you and how you feel about yourself.

No you don't want to tell him not to write to her again, because the truth of it is, its his choice, and he can convince himself to just chat with her at work so as not to hurt you. And you're right she may be trying to get back with him, but as painful as it may seem, let him know how it makes you feel and the vibes you are getting off the whole situation.

I'm a pretty no nonsense person when it comes to relationships and I never go back to old ones no matter what. So I say the below statement because its something that I did last year with a guy online that I was writing to for 3 years. During the last year he didn't write for 8 months and then it was to tell me he was getting married but he still wanted to be friends. I basically told him to kiss my arse. Yes, it hurts alot, but at that point its all about me.

So, let him understand that at times friendships cannot be built on previous relationships because of the level of intimacy that was shared before. He may not feel anything for her right now, but all those previous feelings may rise to the surface and blind him to the pain he suffered before if he continues to stay in contact w/her. Let him understand, that should that happen, he needs to be honest with you about it and before he decides to "lay his troubles on your shoulder", he better be darn sure that this is exactly what he wants because YOU will shut the door on him and move on. Emphasize that should he choose her, YOU have to look after you and his feelings will not matter as he doesn't deserve to have YOU.

In this way, he will know exactly where you stand and hopefully really think about any future decisions he makes in regards to this girl, pros and cons. Most times we're all for instant gratification and we really don't put much thought into how it will affect other people in our lives because we're constantly bombarded with the "its your life and you can do anything you want with it" and in this case it is not so.

But do have that talk with him and let him know where you stand, what you're willing to put with and not.

Paris

I've been in a similar situation to this... (similar, but not exactly the same). I told him how much it hurt me that she was in touch with him and how I KNEW she still loved him and I couldn't possible handle it. (I couldn't!!!)

Honesty is always the best route. I was being hurt. I can't live with hurt... I've lived with enough of it that I simply won't accept being hurt consistently in a situation like this where I CAN be placed in a place of importance.

Be honest with him and let him be honest with you and ACCEPT that if you cannot reach a compromise you're BOTH happy with, then it isn't meant to be. But, you should not accept being miserable and he should place YOUR needs here above HERS. Period.

If you can't handle him being friends with her, TELL HIM. Let the cards fall where they may. But hiding it and letting it go on will only slowly kill you...

My guy understood how I felt and told her... honestly... when everyone is honest with each other, its amazing how good things can be.

~phos

I pretty much handle things the same way as Fos and Paris...if something my partner is doing hurts, I try to process my feelings and if they do not change then I will communicate them. Luckily, my partner is the type of guy who doesn't try to talk me out of my feelings. He thinks the way I feel is important to him and he does everything he can to minimise pain for me, if he can (which is why he's my fiance:)

In your situation, my feelings would depend a lot on the girl. Some women have integrity & empathy, and I have made some great friends who were my partner's ex's. But if I felt that she was messing with my relationship, I would feel off about the whole thing. I just don't like being in competitive situations with other women...it feels bad and I have all these competing feelings...like my empathy for her, my desire to preserve the life I have created with my man, guilt about my insecurites. Its just too draining and scarey.

She is one of these girls that lives her life by manipulating people and telling untruths to make her look better in other peoples eyes. She cheated on my YM twice and cut his heart to little bits.....i don't trust her for a second and don't trust her motives She makes me nervous!!
The guy she has just split from is my ex (we all met weirdly and in different cities) and i would love to contact him to ask him a few questions in relation to some comments made by this girl, as i have trouble believing her.
I just figured that if i find out she has been lying again, and i tell my YM the real story, that it may just solidify his doubts and make him stay away from her?
I have told him I want to do this and he just said fair enough? Is this a good idea?

I'd say New Zealand is too small! That's so weird that your ex is her ex, and her ex is your b/f. Geez-o peezo.

You don't like the woman, and don't trust her. But he may feel that his relationship with her is valuable to him in ways that you don't understand. Do you feel that way about her because of what she did to your ex? Because he's clearly not holding anything against her. I say that if she didn't do anything to you directly, you don't have any reason to not like her until shown otherwise. She didn't cheat on you, she didn't mess with your head. Things happen in relationships. You're not your b/f's mother, so maybe let it go a bit....let her show you who she really is.....she might not be as bad as you suspect.

When I was married, I became friends with my husband's ex g/f of three years. We ended up being good friends. We were all comfortable with each other because those two had resolved their feelings towards each other.

I would try to be a bit more secure in my relationship with this guy. He's with you because he cares about you. He's not with her. That would be good enough for me.

rougharrow,

Why do you think he wants to be friends with a girl who betrayed him.......more than once?

i have friends who stay friends with their ex's... i could not do that, afterall if we find our guy attractive enough to love and cherish, how can we wrap our minds around the fact that some other woman threw him away.

of course, we are going to see every reason to be in love with them and cannot understand the person who walked out of the relationship.

if this hurts you, you must be honest and tell him and explain to him you feelings.

it may just set up boundries for the future that will make you life alot easier.

rougharrow,

Why do you think he wants to be friends with a girl who betrayed him.......more than once?


Well, they were very close friends for 5 years before they got together as a couple. That is what he said was the hardest thing to lose. When he saw her a few weeks ago he said to me that he saw a different person and noticed things he never had before and is not blind to her ways any more. but at the same time, he does still care about her wellbeing as she has dealt with depression issues in the past. i have sat back and given him room to get some issues out of the way with her but now i think that he needs to start putting my needs above hers. she is coming back to town in a while and if he wants to see her again i will expect to go along, as he tells me he would never go back to her. so if he cant take me along i will have to assume that she is more important and i will end it.
also, i tried the 'hold back a little' tactic last nite (not showering him with affection etc) and it seemed to work. he was more attentive and asked for cuddles etc and i actually felt more of the 'i need you' coming through. i started to think about me a little more and what i need instead. a good feeling!

but, i am wanting to text my ex and ask him a few things to get a little clarity and to see how different his version of events is to hers? can someone tell me if they think this is a good idea or not. i would like to do this in the next hour or so......

Hi rougharrow. For what my 2 cents is worth, I don't see anything wrong with texting your ex to find out what his version of events is. But, as we all know, everyone typically has their own version of what is going on. Also, I would be careful about trying to show or prove that your boyfriend's ex is a bad person. To me, this is the sort of decision that one needs to make on their own about the people they choose as friends. And, and uncomfortable as this situation is for you, I wouldn't stand in the way of a friendship. I know - easier said than done. I guess in my opinion, the best thing to do is to avoid using tactics and just be honest with your boyfriend. I'd tell him how I felt and why I felt it, but also say that ultimately I trust him and his judgement. Good luck.

i have just text my ex and it seems that they are trying to work things out. turns out that the reason they split up was because she couldnt handle him still being in touch with his ex!!! so, she thinks its fine to get in touch with her ex (my bf) but cant handle it the other way round!? do i tell my bf that is why her and her bf split? will it make him think about her being in touch with him?
i jus told my ex that i just wondered if she tells him when her and my bf are in touch, and he said he knows they keep in contact, which i feel abit better about.

one thing...........the last lot of texting her and my bf had, she asked him when he was moving. we have talked about it at various times but not for the last month or so. anyway, he told her he would be when he gets a bit more money. she asked what about me and his reply was i dont know if she wants to go yet but we will suss that later.

wat does that mean? the fact that he told her that he didnt know about me, and didnt mention that was part of their discussion, should i be concerned?

wat does that mean? the fact that he told her that he didnt know about me, and didnt mention that was part of their discussion, should i be concerned?

First of all, you need to take a deep breathe and calm yourself down. You're running faster than you are able.

Secondly, we can't tell you what he meant because we don't know your b/f. One of the worst things to do within a relationship is start to play at e.s.p or what could he possibly mean....we'll fail miserable and/or we'll give your information that's badly screwed up.

If you want to know what he meant, go to the source, asked HIM...only he can give you the answers you seek. Because as you said, you have not discussed it in a month, therefore, what answer could he give except the truth, he does not know about you.

So, turn off the phones, prepare a special dinner and communicate, ask what's going on with the move. And then you'll get your answers, stop second guessing yourself (or even worst, us doing it for you) and dive in and ask...this way you can get back to the business of breathing normal again. Hopefully you'll have some good news to share.

paris

I feel for you, rougharrow; the sense of having your relationship messed with is very stressful.

I'd say for now, just chill out a bit. She's in a different town, if I read your posts correctly. She is off and on with the other guy, your ex.....it doesn't sound like they've finished with each other yet. But I suspect she is looking for someone to latch onto next, and thats why she's contacted your bf and asked him all those questions about moving close to her again.

I don't know what the best thing to do in the long run is, but I can tell you what has worked for me. There was girl who was a very close friend of Stu's when we met....attractive, 20, self obsessed, and always after sex and attention from men. I think Stu's relationship with me sparked off feelings of jealousy and envy in her....it was if she didn't really want him until someone else did...and then she became very possessive and made things uncomfortable for me..

The trouble was that I could see absolutely clearly that she was courting Stu, and he couldn't. When she broke up with her boyfriend she pretty much started stalking Stu. ....like texting him and emailing him (many times a day sometimes), and trying to get him to go drinking with her or visit her alone during the day to `get drunk' when I was at work. I told Stu that i was nervous and that it would be good if we could all have dinner together, but she evaded such invitations and kept on trying to get him alone and keeping all their communiations private.

I didn't know what to do; but it was causing me a big strain. I sometimes doubted myself, and other times it seemed all very clear what was going on. Stu even lied to me about her having a boyfriend....I later found out that she was single by reading one of her emails to Stu. This made me more stressed out than ever!

Eventually what I did was ask her outright what her intentions were. I wrote a letter, which I got Stu to read, and sent it to her using Stu's email address so she'd know that everything was out in the open. I told her that I was sorry that I didn't know well enough to understand her intentions with Stu, but that her constant invitations that Stu go out with her alone came across as ambiguous, and that i wanted to clear up what was going on. Stu said that the letter was polite, open, honest, and non-accusatory. He thought it was very good, in fact, so we sent it together via email.

The reponse we received was very, very nasty. Its was disproportionately so. She cussed and called me all sorts of names, and was mean to Stu too. She didn't even try to answer the question regarding her intentions. It seemed pretty clear that we had exposed her intentions, and that she was angry and humilated that we had thwarted he covert attempts to get at Stu. Thats how Stu saw it too.
We haven't heard from her since:)

BTW, i have also heard really good stories from other women who dealt with similar situations successfullly.....but in a completely different way. My way worked for us, but chilling out could have worked too, who knows?

thanx bella. i really think that is not a bad idea. i think i only feel uncomfortable as i am not sure of her motives? maybe i need to meet up with her and find out what her intentions are? the fact that her and her current boyfriend (call him D) are having issues because she cant accept that he is still friends with his ex, is something i find hard to understand!? does she not realise that is waht she is doing?
i am going to tell my bf that that is why they (her and D) are having trouble, and will be interested in his reaction. if he thinks that its ok then i will be a little confused. my bf told me that he understands why i feel uncomfortable about them being in touch and told me that if me and my previous long term ex - call him C (we were together for 7 years) were texting each other that he would feel a bit uncomfortable too?
i am just not in to double standards and if she doesnt like it done to her why does she feel it is ok to do it to me?

any advice about telling the bf about her double standard??

Like Paris said, just go ahead and say what you mean. The whole double standard thing....thats an argument I used with Stu too, to help him understand where I was coming from. He agreed that if a very attractive guy he didn't know were calling me up every day and asking me to get drunk with him, he'd go nuts too. So I'd say, yes....try to get him to see things you way.

Its scarey getting deep with your bf...really letting him in on the way you feel. Some guys just don't want to hear, nor consider your feelings. But if it works out, like it did with Stu and I, its a great feeling. you start to feel safe with that person......completely yourself. And the relationship gets better and better because you don't have to hold things back or feel on edge.

Good luck!

Bella, i thank you for your support, and you have helped me to make the decision to tell my bf about his ex having double standards.

and i am going to ask him about the fact that he told his ex he was going to move but wasn't sure about me going, as we have talked about it before and he knows i want to move with him. he didnt mention that part of their conversation to me and im not sure what to think about that? is he planning on leaving when he gets a bit of money together and not taking me with him, but leading me to believe it will be both of us?!

ok, i do admit that i tend to stress about little things but this is my future and i have spent most of my past caring to much about looking after other peoples well-being and happiness. i just love him so much, and apart from the ex issue, everything else is so good. oh well, we'll see..............

LOL, you cheeky!!! She's not my type and he has trouble keeping up with me let alone adding someone else to the mix............especially the ex R U CRAZY!!

and i dont want a new bf but thanks for the tip ;)

What a convoluted story of "exes". :eek:

This is what I would have done

I would tell my current bf (in the sweetest terms possible) that he is not going to continue the relationship with this woman for the time being. It is not a matter of insecurity but out of respect and clarity.

I would not have written to my own ex because, how can I expect my bf not to talk to his ex if I talk to my ex... words gets around.

Good luck.

Hi Sheila. Yea, well at the end of the day, i dont hide anything and i told him i contacted the ex and it was only as i needed to see if her story added up. as it was it didnt and my bf has decided that she is not worth it and i made sure that i let him kno that i thought it was unacceptable to have her contact my bf when she doesnt accept the same happening to her.
i will stick to my guns when it comes to their contact. maybe a text every few months is ok? and if i know about it! i have had a change of thinking and have realised that if he didnt want to be with me he wouldnt and he is not a weak man and has a strong mind of his own. i have to have a little more faith in myself and in doing that i am projecting a less 'needy' me and its a good feeling. we have been together long enough to know we have a good thing going so i have to trust that. i think my expressing my opinion in a assertive manner and letting him know i was pissed, was the first time i have overcome my fear of rejection for speaking my mind, and i am better off for it. and it has done something good for us too. its almost like he needed me to do that?