Need help with older woman

Hi, my older girlfriend broke up with me. This whole summber has been strained. She wants to push me out of her life. She really won't tell me why. It started when I said something about not ready to get married and that when things turned bad. We used to fight every once and a while but now it's every time we talk. I don't know whether she has found someone else or just disappointed that she didn't get married by the time she was 40. All this stuff started happening about 2 weeks before her birthday. I was going to proposed on her 40 birthday but she tried to break up with me before I could propose. I proposed after our first big fight. But then she said I was forced to propose or I was afraid i was going to loose her. So we got back togheter and we went out but there was just a lot of tension. She broke up with me last time because I said some about her spending time with the ex boyfriends kids. We still went out after that. I said something about feeling like I was in limbo. So, she quit going out with me and said she is going to help me get out of limbo. So, I show up at her house one morning after recieving a email about us never getting a back togheter. How she wanted me to find that special person, etc. Sad thing She is that special person. She want tell me what I can do to fix this. I'll do anything. Or at least tell me why? To me it seems like it would be wiser to stick with someone that loves you that to go back out and try again. Never said I wouldn't marry her or have kids. I thought it was just a phase because she was turning 40 and not having kids yet. But she won't talk to me. I don't even know if she is going back with her old boyfriend or dating someone new. I'm trying really hard not to do anything stupid. Like show up at the gym or house un invited. But I can't get her to talk. She want email me back. Sad thing about this whole mess. Is that in my heart I had plan to spend the rest of my days with her to have children with her, the things we both wanted. She just doesn't believe me because I said I wasn't ready now. Any suggesstion before I make matters worst. If they can be worst.

I said something about not ready to get married and that when things turned bad. We used to fight every once and a while but now it's every time we talk. I don't know whether she has found someone else or just disappointed that she didn't get married by the time she was 40.

From your post your gf seems one "I-want-to-get-married-at-all-costs" type of woman. She had no patience to wait until you were ready. Then she had no trust in your love to accept your proposal. If she only wanted to marry you to make sure she was married before she turned 40, I would say you are better off without her.

For some women turning 40 is the transition between youth and middle-age. It is a very difficult stage. Wait a bit until she adjusts and see what happens. If she does not come back, then you will have to move on.

Good luck.

It's just killing me now. She doesn't realize how much faith I put in. I do love her. It's just hard to stay away from her or not to call her. Even thought she has quit returning my phone calls. Its one of those things if I knew what I did wrong it would be easier to let go. To me it's just so stupid to play the game of not communicating. If your going to push me out of your life give me a reason why. Other than "your not ready to get married"

May be she needs to be sure of your love and devotion to her and she is testing you... She may be efraid of the relationship not working because you are younger. Did you talk to her about this ?How long were you together before she decided to push you away?

We have been going together since oct. We meet in aug of last year. I just wanted us to be together at least two years before getting married. I don't know how the whole thing came out wrong. She also said she is too old for me. Sad thing about it is that there is so much I want to say to her. But now she thinks everything I say is a lie. Just because of that one little remark about not being ready for marriage. Only reason I said that is because I wanted to be able to take care of her. I'm self employed. And sometimes I just have my doubts. Even though everything is going fine now. I have 2 apts and 1 house. She thinks I want someone to take care of me and that's not the case I can take care of myself. But she won't listen. She is so stubborn. I know a lot of this has to do with the fact is that she wanted to have children. When I came into her life I was hope. And i let her down when I said that. I didn't know. Or wasn't thinking at the time. I feel so stupid for loosing her. She had really become the one bright thing of my day. I would talk to her in the morning on the way to work, during her planning period and then at night. I know a lot of stress was put on the relationship because I worked all the time. But the crazy thing about it is that she does the same thing. I thougt we were perfect for each other. I guess her desire for children has become so great she has no more time to waste on me. I just don't understand. When she was talking me me last she said she just wants to be friends. But that just hurts to much. Because I am still in love with her. She doesn't even realize I was coming to her side of the fence it just took me a while. I consider marriage a forever thing. Has anyone else been though anything like this? I know it has got to be scary for her. She was adopted, her parents are getting older, and she wants something to carry on. But like I said now. she wont talk to me or believe anything I have to say. She doesn't trust me. Of course I'm sacred of loosing her but anything I say I will have to back up.

I really feel for you. I am the OW, and my YM does those crazy things you describe, running hot/cold, not sure what he wants. We didn't see each other for 3 months, but I kept calling because I didn't know how not to call - it just feels like he is so much a part of me now. I try, but I can't imagine life without him. We have a huge age gap - 26 years. But I look really pretty young, so it doesn't seem like as much - probably more like 10 to 15 years, to look at us. But honestly, I don't thing age is so much the issue, in my situation or yours. I think my YM doesn't care about my age, nor me about him. But we both care about what the world thinks. Making a decision means turning down other possible lives, and that takes time to decide. I don't think you were wrong to want to wait 2 years. You showed maturity that is probably how you interested your OW in the first place. She loves you for that maturity, so don't worry about that.

I think the issues she is dealing with are her own, not because of what you did or didn't do. She is adopted, and is afraid of being abandoned by someone she loves. It is simple. She has been hurt in the past. She is afraid, maybe more because you are young, that you will lose interest later. She knows you are sincere about wanting to marry her. That is what is scaring her. That and the fact that she loves you, and wants you to marry her, and to have your children. That scares her most - her own wishes. For some people, having your dream come true is more scary that living forever in loneliness. Because at least when you are alone, you have nothing to lose.

My YM has similar problems. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, though it is hard for him to say it. Nor that I love him. But he is always pulling back, then coming back to me again. We have been seeing each other off and on since January -- pretty rocky. But I am 47, and have been married before, and never really expected to feel for anybody like I feel for him, so maybe for me, though it has been a shock to my system and life, it is easier for him, because I actually know that this relationship is superprecious, and shouldn't be lost because it might not come again to either of us. I have a feeling that yours is the same kind, for both of you. Because I know how valuable it is, I just keep going. I know my YM is afraid. So when he pushes me away, I call him again, somehow through my own hurt, and I tell him how I really feel, how great he makes me feel, how lucky I am to have met him, how he has changed my life, how I can't imagine my life without him now. I just keep on reassuring him, even though I feel like a jackass sometimes, because at times it looks like he isn't even that interested. He even has dated someone else during this time, which really hurts. But when you are in this world, you have to listen to the heart, and in my heart I know that he and I are meant to be together.

I just proceed from the assumption that he is afraid of how much he loves me, and that I can trust my intuition about us. I just keep trying. And I keep getting rewarded every time he lets his guard down and comes back to me. And each time, he gives me a little more of himself, trusts me a little more. Your OW is the one who needs more time, not you, because she has to learn to trust you, and trust life, for giving her the gift of you. You are her hope, not just of having children, but of having incredible devotion and love. She is very lucky, and you are the one who will show her. It seems to me that in your relationship, just like in mine, it is falling on your shoulders to keep the relationship moving forward. I would ignore her "I want to be friends" - my YM has gone there also, and I think you know too how "friends" feel, versus how you feel for your lady. Friendship it aint, right? If it were me, I would reassure her in every possible way. I would find something I could do regularly for her, like call her at the same time every day, so she knows that you are always thinking of her, and making her such a priority that you call her every day - maybe during the times you used to call. If she doesn't take your call, even better. Just leave her a sweet message - that you are thinking of her, that you miss her, and maybe sometime you too can get together for coffee of something. Just keep talking, don't let her forget her own heart. It is so important to both of you.

Two weeks ago, my YM ran away completely, and it really hurt me. He wanted to be friends, returned to a girlfriend, it looked really bleak for me. So I let him go, and said maybe being apart would help him decide what he wanted. But then, after my hurt passed a little, I missed him so much that I called again, we talked forever, I just told him everything I am feeling, and even told him the hard things you are talking about, ways that we might be able to change our lives to live together. So I ignore the friend thing, when I talk future. Then finally I asked when I come next, maybe we could have coffee (we live in different countries also), and he agreed, and then I asked if he wants to go ahead and spend the full 4 days with me, just as a "friend" (because that feels safer for him), and he was happy to say yes. I know we will see each other, because for all his words and doubts, in my heart I feel his love for me. So I figure that we need to see each other, to remember, to keep everything alive inside. And believe me, once we are together, I will be happy to revise that "friends" thing. It seems that he has now broken with the girlfriend, and I know that since our "breakup" of sorts, there has been nothing on his mind but us, because of things he says. I am sure it is the same for your OW. She thinks about you all the time - don't doubt it. Even if she is dating, it is only to forget you, and it makes her miss you more. So send her cards, call her, stop by politely sometime, uninvited to the gym, but don't stay long. Just help her remember - say hello, and then say "I'd better go, I'd love to see you sometime" and leave. She will see the rest in your eyes.

This is love, and alot is at stake. Be the safest and most steadfast thing she has ever found in her life. Everytime she turns around, be there no matter what she does, says, or how hard she tries to push you away. It is what you want to do, so follow your heart. You know not to act like a stalker, and hang out outside her place, or call 15 times a day. But once a day, remind her that you love her, every day. And she will come around. I am seeing it happening for me. With people like our two loves, fear is the first thing that comes after they feel love. We need to become something unlike anything they had before. They have to trust us more than they trust themselves. And then they will come to us. But it takes time.

So most of all - don't lose faith. Don't lose hope. And if you believe in a god inside of you that is love, and wants love, don't be afraid to thank god for bringing her to you, and thank him for making it all work out, and then rest easy knowing your prayer (your heart's desire) is already taken care of. Then just do your part, and wait for her to come back. She will. I am sure of it.

I too believe there isn't anything you did to cause this. For alot of women, turning 40 can be an ephiany of sorts or a fall into despair. Its as sheila said, its a cross between, actually leaving behind young adulthood, with your fertile years, your health at its peak and your vibrant skin and approaching the onset of your middle years. Its when you realize 50 is not that far from 40 and then 60 and so on.

Although, I like puzzleD suggestion of calling her everyday...it sounds too much to me like guilting someone into being with you and not giving the other person any time to miss you, wanting to be with you since you're always in their face. No one belongs with anyone else for the long term, loyalty is what the long term needs in order to be committed to another person. Consider you've met her in august and she keeps jumping ship...she's alittle iffy on loyalty, but I would imagine that she is scared of the magnitude of what that loyalty is requiring her to do. Its asking her to step outside of her box, take control of her life as she IS the only one who can change it for better or worse.

With all this technology at our fingertips, it erases a real old fashion passionate courtship. Try sending her favorite flowers...write her love letters, pour out your feelings and your passion. Not email. Let her see your handwriting. Let it spiritually touch her. You can't quite get that in email or IM.

You want her to focus on her feelings, not you and how she feels about you, about not having you in her life or being able to touch you or smell you...hopefully as she reads your letters a different image will emerge. As stronger, more caring, more nurturing person will bond with her. I think she's had plenty of time to regroup, now totally court her. Hopefully, she will become stronger in her feelings for you and realize what a fantastic life she could have and there's a blessing in being love so well.

Paris

I've tried the flowers and the cards. She said it's a waste of money. I've probably spent about $1500 on flowers, cards, etc. Trust me I'm trying. Her whole attitude toward me change after the "wait" comment. I'm really at the bottom of the barral. She is confusing sometimes. Before our last little fight she used to email me that she missed me and loved me. We went to see the movie sleath and I made the comment about feeling like I am in "limbo". Well she decided she would fix the limbo thing by not answering the phone or going out with me. I guess she thinks she is being mercyful. Out of sight, out of mind. She has spoken to me twice in 4 days. I guess is a start. I'm just trying to convince her I'm not a waste of time.

I'm so sorry you are going through this emotional mire right now, jaz...

Wow, I really disagree (respectfully of course ;) )with those who suggest that you keep showering her with love, flowers, attention, phone calls, letters, etc. They could very well be right, but my gut feeling when someone says they want "no contact" is that they have come to the final conclusion that they want to move on in their lives without the relationship you had.

It is freakin hard to do (not call, email, write) and I failed a few times when I was under a no-contact stiuation with my exbf. All I can say is that if she is REALLY the one for you, honoring her no contact request will only make her want you back. And, if she truly wants to be out of a relationship with you, then honoring her no contact request gives you dignity and her respect. That is the high road...but, oh, so hard to do.

I say find other things to occupy your time...get together with friends, family, write in a journal, go to the gym and sweat out the emotions....when your hand reaches for that phone, just remember that your are loving her best by honoring her wishes and hoping the best for her and her future.

Hang in there....keep venting here on the boards if you need to...it definitely helped me when I needed to in the past.
Sending you strength and hope for a better day tomorrow.
Karen :)

This woman sounds to me like a real sheep. If She is that worried about marrying before turning 40, something which should be just an abritrary number, and is that wrapped up in turning 40, She obviously lacks a sense of self. While many people do become more mature as they get older and gain a greater sense of self, some folks become fossilized teenagers; immature, insipid and petty minded souls inhabiting old bodies.

Wow, what a sweetheart. I was in a similar situation; I'm a girl 42, he's 25...I pushed him away after a very similar conversation as your first post (I wasn't talking marriage tho...just "boyfriend")...but the big difference is...he stayed away!!! :(
I truly truly hope it works out 4 you! If you've let her know that you will be ready soon and that you love her and you're her boyfriend...she should know how lucky she is!!!!!