Another confused ym with ow!

Well this is only my second post on here and the responses on the first were awesome but now there is a new situation.
Let me start by saying I love this woman with all my heart and have never ever had these feelings for any other female ever.
Well friday was not a good day at all for me period with all these things happening i just wanted to go and hide out somewhere and forget about everything. Thursday night my older woman goes out with some friends of hers which i also happen to know and shes knows most of them through me-I dont get an invite to go not a big deal at all at least i thought at first it wasnt.
However i do try and include her in most of the things i do but, we do need to do certain things alone with friends and go out and have a good time-i dont have a problem with this at all and in fact i think its a great thing that we do after all if you dont have friends and family you dont have jack crap.

So she goes out has a good time whatever, ends up that one of her guy friends she hasnt talked to in a while went out with them that night and ended up staying the night at her house-of course im gonna have questions and im going to confront her about this especially when im insecure in that manner which i have no reason to be but for whatever reason i am(one of my faults). so we have dinner friday night, watch a movie at her house and cuddle on teh couch and kiss etc. after the movie we decide to get an ice cream.

Well this friend staying at her house really bothered me since they were together most of the afternoon thursday and had dinner that evening and then they end up going out and he stays the night(he slept in a different room)and she told me straight up that they would never do anything at all period they r just friends.

Fine and thats great but when i confront her about this situation since i was bothered by it she lost it and went off which just ended up pissing me off that much more. I probably went about asking her the wrong way but it came out like this "so you have some explaining to do about thursday night" she looked at me like i was crazy-i only asked her this becasue i care about her so much and Love her with all my heart and then this gets thrown in my face.
She says thats one of the reasons we need to just be friends is because i cant handle these other things that might happen from time to time-so not true as i stayed with her through her physcho ex b/f that screwed alot of things up and cost me money as well due to slashing my tires on my truck($600 for that episode)but i still love her and want to be with her. Im just so freakin confused and have no clue what the hell is going on.
She also says that my mom babies me which she far from does however i am an only child and yes i am close to my mother as well. I think she is a bit jealous of me and my mom being so close but yet again that is one of my so called "faults" i cant control that i come from a close tight family and without family you dont have crap.
This is the woman though that i want to spend the rest of my life with whether we get married or not doesnt matter i just want to be with her and see past these other things because its not fair to me that she says thats why we cant be together.

Another thing is that we do couple stuff but we are not a couple or together-like dinner and a movie then back to her place-she says its not me but her that the problems lie in but man it sure sounds like she can tell me my faults but when it comes my turn to tell her hers im in the wrong and this is after she says all this about my mom-its got to be jealously becasue she isnt close to her mom at all hardly even talks to her.
Can you guys please help me out here and lead me in the right direction and give me some much needed advice in this situation. I really do appreciate it as i can barely even function properly and im a loan officer so not being able to keep my head in it is a very bad thing.

Kyle

First you say:

Well this friend staying at her house really bothered me since they were together most of the afternoon thursday and had dinner that evening and then they end up going out and he stays the night(he slept in a different room)and she told me straight up that they would never do anything at all period they r just friends.

then you say:

Fine and thats great but when i confront her about this situation since i was bothered by it she lost it and went off which just ended up pissing me off that much more.

Why, if you were fine with it, did you bring up the situation again. What are you not getting. I expect that the reason she exploded is not because you asked, but how you asked and proably she's gotten the feeling that you do not trust her or believe in her. Why about the situation could you not believe in?

you claim to love her...yada, yada, yada...but you don't back up your words with better communication and/or action.

As for the mother thingy...I love men who carely deeply for their mothers, it shows strength of character and a skill of loving a woman to the exlusion of all esle. I would think in showing this attitude to your mother, this woman, would appreciate how much more you could love her. As long as you're not letting your mother make any determinations in your personal life, showing her respect and acknowledgement can only be a good thing. But you know what, neither mom or this woman may be in your life forever (although mom will always love you), I don't see what her problem is with your mother. Disrepecting my mother is not an option.

She also could've handled this issue differently, and could have comfort you and supported you in what you felt. I don't know why she did not, if she hasn't talk to her own mother in a while, she may have issues communicating when the manure hits the fan...believe me, it may not be just she who won't talk to her mother, her mother may be glad this child doesn't talk to her much, who knows what issues they are brewing about.

In the meantime, give her some time to cool off and try again to talk to her, about how you feel. Let her know you were fine with it at first, but your insecurities got the better of you and you let yourself think too much. Sometimes we talk, just to hear our voices, but we don't talk about the real foundation of what prompted us to talk to begin with. Good luck.

Paris

Please put paragraphs in your post...this was difficult to read to follow the story line.

Thank you,
paris

Please put paragraphs in your post...this was difficult to read to follow the story line.

Thank you,
paris


stepped ahead of ya gal, lol. i talked with him and he gave me his permission to help out.

:D

the group she went out with....was it guys and gals or just gals?

how old are the two of you again?

WHY did this old 'guy friend' end up staying at her house?

and why HER house?

she looked at you like you were crazy because you asked why a guy spent the night at her house?

was that the FIRST time you'd asked her about it?

how did you find out in the first place?

if SHE told you, how did she explain it? flippantly or 'oh honey please don't be mad'?

she says ya'll need to be friends because 'you can't handle things like this' that happen from time to time? can't handle things? did you freak out or simply ask about it as you implied?

how is it that she believes your mother 'baby's' you?

you do couple stuff but are not a couple or together?

she's giving you the 'it's not you, it's me' line?

i get the answers to these questions.....i can maybe tell you what i THINK i see.

Tracy

the group she went out with....was it guys and gals or just gals?

how old are the two of you again?

WHY did this old 'guy friend' end up staying at her house?

and why HER house?

she looked at you like you were crazy because you asked why a guy spent the night at her house?

was that the FIRST time you'd asked her about it?

how did you find out in the first place?

if SHE told you, how did she explain it? flippantly or 'oh honey please don't be mad'?

she says ya'll need to be friends because 'you can't handle things like this' that happen from time to time? can't handle things? did you freak out or simply ask about it as you implied?

how is it that she believes your mother 'baby's' you?

you do couple stuff but are not a couple or together?

she's giving you the 'it's not you, it's me' line?

i get the answers to these questions.....i can maybe tell you what i THINK i see.

TracyWhat do u think u see here?? Im wanting to know and get details on this please!

i answered ya pm kyle, dunno if you've got your automatic pm alert activated or not.

I'm a 34 year old guy with a 53 year old ladyfriend. Welcome to ageless!

Here's what I think about your situation: You had every right to worry about this guy staying with her. You worried because us guys know how guys think. We protect the women we care about from what we see as potential catastrophes the women just don't see coming because they don't understand what we do about other men.

Here's where I think you went wrong: "So, you have some explaining to do". This was defensive language you used. We must be gentle with the woman we love. You could have said the same thing in a much more loving fashion, such as: "I'm concerned about ____ wanting to spend the night at your place. Did he press this issue with you?" If she feels that he was forceful about staying over, you must tell her that he sees her as more than a friend, and that She must be careful with him. If he pressed the issue in any way, he has an ill motive which you, as a guy, are well aware of. This puts him in the wrong. You must make sure she knows that you don't want him to hurt her in any way, and the two of you need to try to reach a meeting of the minds on this situation.

If She agrees to it, you may need to law down the law with this character in order to protect her from him. If he is an old dude and you know you can kick his butt, you may have to put him in his place. The aging baby boomer guys can be real butt holes and first class male chauvinists. Sometimes, they need to be taken down a notch by a younger guy. Be careful about her view on you doing this, though......

I'm a 34 year old guy with a 53 year old ladyfriend. Welcome to ageless!

Here's what I think about your situation: You had every right to worry about this guy staying with her. You worried because us guys know how guys think. We protect the women we care about from what we see as potential catastrophes the women just don't see coming because they don't understand what we do about other men.

Here's where I think you went wrong: "So, you have some explaining to do". This was defensive language you used. We must be gentle with the woman we love. You could have said the same thing in a much more loving fashion, such as: "I'm concerned about ____ wanting to spend the night at your place. Did he press this issue with you?" If she feels that he was forceful about staying over, you must tell her that he sees her as more than a friend, and that She must be careful with him. If he pressed the issue in any way, he has an ill motive which you, as a guy, are well aware of. This puts him in the wrong. You must make sure she knows that you don't want him to hurt her in any way, and the two of you need to try to reach a meeting of the minds on this situation.

If She agrees to it, you may need to law down the law with this character in order to protect her from him. If he is an old dude and you know you can kick his butt, you may have to put him in his place. The aging baby boomer guys can be real butt holes and first class male chauvinists. Sometimes, they need to be taken down a notch by a younger guy. Be careful about her view on you doing this, though......Yeah i agree it did come out wrong by me saying you have some explaining to do. This was my bad though. We have talked through this several different times since last week and i think we r cool with everytign now.

It looks like a case of mistaken identity. You think that she is your girlfriend and she doesn't think she is!

She went on a date with another man :o

I don't buy the "friends" deal here.

The bottom line is simple, you two do not communicate well. If you two are a couple then you should sit down together and lovingly discuss the boundaries of what's acceptable in your relationship, together, compromising and being understanding of each other's expectations and needs.

It doesn't sound like she's very committed to being together with you, I'm sorry :(

Welcome to Ageless.

the group she went out with....was it guys and gals or just gals?

how old are the two of you again?

WHY did this old 'guy friend' end up staying at her house?

and why HER house?

she looked at you like you were crazy because you asked why a guy spent the night at her house?

was that the FIRST time you'd asked her about it?

how did you find out in the first place?

if SHE told you, how did she explain it? flippantly or 'oh honey please don't be mad'?

she says ya'll need to be friends because 'you can't handle things like this' that happen from time to time? can't handle things? did you freak out or simply ask about it as you implied?

how is it that she believes your mother 'baby's' you?

you do couple stuff but are not a couple or together?

she's giving you the 'it's not you, it's me' line?

i get the answers to these questions.....i can maybe tell you what i THINK i see.

TracyShe went out with guys and gals

Im 22 she is 35

The guy friend stayed at her house because they were out drinking and she rode with some other friends there. And her house because it was closer to where they were.

Yep she looked at me crazy because of the way i asked her "you have some explaining to do" that was my bad but its just how it came out.

It was the first time i had asked her about it but she did tell me that morning they slept in different rooms etc.

I found when i asked her what i she was doing today? She proceeded to tell me she had to take this guy friend home after he woke up. Thats how i found out about it.

She just told me the only reason he stayed the night was due to being drunk and it was just easier than driving across town or someone else driving across town to take him home.

No she means cant handle things like if she goes with friends and one of the guy friends is to drunk or doesnt need to be driving they can stay at her house or vise versa.

I have no idea where the mother babing me came in to play. I am very close to my mom but thats it she doesnt do certain things or whatever for me-i come from a very close family!

Yes we do couple stuff such as going places with other friends as couples or going to family events etc. but we are not in a committed reltionship.

Yeah she says im perfect and its not me its her with all this stuff -in other words al the stuff she is saying its just to find somethign wrong becasue she will never be happy with anyone period.

What do ya'll think im so dang confused its not even funny. I know what is between us now but i told her i want to work towards a committed reltionship-Is it worth it by having to put up with this stuff now?

I do love her and care about her but im 22 and dont need the added pressure of all this crap going on right now. Obviously if she wanted to be with me she would i guess or is this just all one big unnecessary test im having to go through?

given your answers Kyle, i stick with what i told you in our pm's. ((((hugs))))

This is by far the worst thing that i have ever had to deal with. How can you love someone so much do anything for them and then all of a sudden BAM its totally opposite and unexpected. Guess im to nice of a guy to women or something.

This is by far the worst thing that i have ever had to deal with. How can you love someone so much do anything for them and then all of a sudden BAM its totally opposite and unexpected. Guess im to nice of a guy to women or something.
no such thing as being 'too nice' to women, lol. now being too nice to a cop, yeah, or a hooker, oh yeah! lol

you keep being you........she's out there. waiting and looking for you, too.

Im not to sure about all that anymore. This is the one i want to be with but im not getting a chance to right now.

You know some people aren't looking for a nice guy/gal. They may think that's what they want, but if they weren't treated well when they were young then they may feel comfort in being mistreated or taken for granted. This behavior doesn't change until THEY get a handle on it. In your case, she may not be comfortable or feel "home" because you being a nice guy could be opposite what she's used to. If that's the case....you can't change her. Look for a woman who deserves you and wants to be treated with kindness and respect. Being young, you have plenty of time to find the right woman.

Karen

Yeah her last b/f was physcho and wanted to kill her and I both-and he did mistreat her and do certain things to her. Im sure this has some affect on it as well.

Kyle,
I married a guy who is 23 (I am 41). However, even if we weren't married and I had a guy friend spend the night at my house, he would flip. I would do the same with him. And I don't think I would ask him kindly, either--sorry. We are quite possessive of each other and want to spend as much time together as we can--even more since we got married.

It sounds like your OW doesn't want to be exclusive with you and have a commited relationship like you do. You sound quite mature to me. I would move on, and if she loves you and wants a relationship with you, she will respond.

If not, find someone who loves and appreciates you. I find it great that you have a close relationship with your Mom. Because of your close relationship, you probably appreciate older women much more. Don't give up on them!

Well just an update things between us are alot better now for the moment. I am actually moving in to her house and goning to pay rent!! I think maybe she is realizing that she doesnt have it so bad and that good hearted kind guys willing to do anything for her are hard to find. And i do truely LOVE her in every possible way no doubt. Im not trying to be possive over her are anything like that at all i just want to take care of her and do the right things. With my job doing pretty well i also look at taking over her bills-what do ya'll think about that??

"""With my job doing pretty well i also look at taking over her bills-what do ya'll think about that??"""""


THis is not the way to get her affection!! It sounds almost like you are trying to buy her!! There was another fella on here not too long ago who got into a situation where he paid her bills, but she was not really looking to be in a committed relationship. He was devastated.....I hope this is not the case with you, but as a single woman and not in a relationship, I can tell you this frightens me!!! I am frightened for YOU!!

No she means cant handle things like if she goes with friends and one of the guy friends is to drunk or doesnt need to be driving they can stay at her house or vise versa.

I see, so instead of you commending her for taking this guy off the streets, who obviously was drunk and could've kill someone or she could've kill someone after she drop him off and driving home herself, if she got tired enough to fall asleep at the wheel, you got on her case about him sleeping in her house. I hope you better at trusting her than choosing your words carefully because you know what...she didn't have to tell you he had stayed the night.

And what happens is that that the look she gave you was one of having to prove herself to your all the time. It can get exhausting having to hold someone up. And now you're moving in with her, how convenient. Do you really want to move in with her or are you making sure it doesn't happen again.

And if you're paying rent, why do you have to pay HER bills as well. How long have you known this woman and how much of that time have you dated? Just wondering, I think you should give the relationship a bit more time before you move in. Find out first what kind of relationship you have first instead of defining it after you've move your life into her home.

Paris