Just Friend Trouble

There's a thread about just friends, but I thought I'd post my concern here.

When my man and I first started dating his friend Susan called, and he mentioned to me that she must be having man problems because she normally calls him when she does. He has known Susan for several years, they were coworkers and were "just friends".

About four months ago Susan calls him again and wants to meet for drinks after work. He goes he tells her about me and she tells him that she's about to divorce her current husband.
A couple weeks after that he's going to happy hour with work guys. Well Susan shows up at the same place. She knows everyone there, so she joins their table and chats with everyone.
A month later on a Friday she invites him out, he says ok and tells her that I'm coming along. She calls him an hour later and says that she's not going after all. That Monday a coworker tells him that he saw her out on Friday night and she asked about him and wanted to know what I looked like. hmmmm...

Up to this point I'm keeping pretty quiet about what I'm really thinking about Susan.....

A week after that, she calls his cell phone and chats with him, we're in the grocery store preparing for a cook-out for friends, some of which she knows. I tell him to invite her over. He gives her directions she agrees to come. She never shows up. Later she calls the house and I answer the phone and she hangs up.(caller id) She calls his cell phone and talks to him. He ask why she hung up, she says that she didnt think that I let him talk to other women. He laughed and asked why do you think that, she said "because if you were my man, I wouldnt"....he laughed and said girl you're crazy.

I tell him that I think Susan likes him. He says no, but now since she's single she likes to flirt. I asked if she normally flirts with him and he said no. I tell him that I want to meet this Susan woman.

Well weeks go by, no word from Susan. He and coworkers are going out to happy hour. While he's out, he calls me and tells me that Susan just came in the bar. I tell him that I'm coming for a drink. He tells Susan that we'll finally meet because I'm on the way. A minute later he looks up and she's walking out of the door. When I got there she was gone, so we just had a good time.

Later that week, she calls and he asked her why she left. She said that she had something else to do. He told her that I was beginning to think that she didnt want to meet me. She told him that she really had no reason to meet me. He asked why.....She told him that she had heard how nice I am and cute I am, but she just didnt want to get to know me.

In this case whats the real reason that Susan does not want to meet me?

If she is "just his friend", why would she see me as a problem?

Why has she avoided me?

hee hee, you KNOW what's going thru her head gal.

go back and re-read your post, lol, you'll see it. plain as the nose on ya face.

Wow, she sounds a bit crazy to me. :eek: But seriously, it really seems like she likes your BF and wants to pretend that you don't exist. I'm guessing she'd find it harder to pursue your BF if she actually saw you in the flesh.

I think you've handled it all really well and it seems like the two of you have a solid, trusting relationship. I actually feel a bit sorry for her - I mean she is sort of making a fool of herself since her avoidance of you is so obvious. I'd think that eventually she'll figure out that she's not going to get anywhere with your BF and she'll move on to some other prey. :rolleyes:

Incidentally, it would be interesting though to actually meet her. I wonder how she would react to you?

Pretty obvious. I think you already know the answer to this one.

A woman who truly doesn't want more than a friendship would go out of her way to make a guy's woman feel comfortable that she isn't a threat.

A woman who acts the way you describe is making a play.

See this is my point in the other thread. People don't actively pursue a "friendship" with a member of the opposite sex. A friendship may happen by chance, but something keeps them from forming a romantic relationship. If someone is going out of their way to be "friendly" than there are alterior motives.

Your bf needs to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that he is not interested in her romantically and he is in a committed relationship with you. Otherwise, she'll keep trying. She may keep trying anyhow and at that point, the only fair thing for your bf to do would be to cut her off and avoid her. No true friend would want to jeoprodize their friend's love life.

Sheeesh ! what A Susan ! It's so sad that it's almost funny. I feel sorry for people like her.

In the beginning I wanted to meet her just to be nice and get to know her. I have to admit now I want to meet her to see whats up with her avoiding me and yet still wanting to be friends with him.
I havent pressed the issue with my Y/M because he's being really open with me in regards to his conversations with her as well as now he's beginning to wonder whats wrong with her since she's so determined not to meet me.


He has another female friend that I've met and we get along very well.

Hi missb,

I don't know if you've read any of my posts on this topic.... Stu had a friend who behaved just like Susan does when we met. It caused a strain on our relationship and a lot of anxiety on my part.

Anyway, I did end up calling the woman on her behaviour..... I sent her a letter via email which Stu read and approved of. I basically told her that her actions seemed ambiguous and that I was keen to clear things up and be friends. Her response was disproportionately rude and vindictive, and we never heard from her again.

I can see some wisdom in sitting back and letting your bf take care of the situation though...I would think that it would build trust between you.

I chose to intervene because frankly, I saw this woman as a superior manipulator and Stu as very naive and trusting. If things had have played out according how she wanted.....getting Stu drunk, being alone together at her parents house (ie her bedroom), spending many days alone together drinking each week......well I believe that she was determined to sabotage our relationship so Stu would be at her beck and call.

I don't know if I did the right thing, but shes gone from our lives now, and it has been peaceful without her. I still think Stu is too naive for his, and our, good sometimes. But maybe we're a good match in that way. He stops me from getting bitter and twisted and I help him from getting manipulated by everyone who crosses his path.

Hi missb,

I don't know if you've read any of my posts on this topic.... Stu had a friend who behaved just like Susan does when we met. It caused a strain on our relationship and a lot of anxiety on my part.

Anyway, I did end up calling the woman on her behaviour..... I sent her a letter via email which Stu read and approved of. I basically told her that her actions seemed ambiguous and that I was keen to clear things up and be friends. Her response was disproportionately rude and vindictive, and we never heard from her again.

I can see some wisdom in sitting back and letting your bf take care of the situation though...I would think that it would build trust between you.

I chose to intervene because frankly, I saw this woman as a superior manipulator and Stu as very naive and trusting. If things had have played out according how she wanted.....getting Stu drunk, being alone together at her parents house (ie her bedroom), spending many days alone together drinking each week......well I believe that she was determined to sabotage our relationship so Stu would be at her beck and call.

I don't know if I did the right thing, but shes gone from our lives now, and it has been peaceful without her. I still think Stu is too naive for his, and our, good sometimes. But maybe we're a good match in that way. He stops me from getting bitter and twisted and I help him from getting manipulated by everyone who crosses his path.

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Bella.......Sounds like you guys found a way to work things out and thats just what I'm looking to do in this situation.

I'm not too concerned about this Susan woman, as she has been his friend for years, and I feel that he should be the one to put her in her place so to speak. By me taking the approach of wanting to meet your friend role, he now see's her as acting strange and showing rude behavior towards me. I think he also see's her as having another motive, but he has not come out and mentioned that to me yet, he's frustrated that she does not want to meet me or have anything to do with me.
I have not told him that I would prefer that he not see her anymore, and I'm waiting for his next conversation with her. He's not heard from her in some time now, and he mentioned the other day that she must be trying to work things out with her ex or she would have called him by now. She normally uses him as a sounding ground for her marital problems, but no word from her lately.
I did tell him that the next time she calls and they go for drinks, that he should let me know and not tell her so that I can just show up. I really want to see her face when I show up and I want to get a feel for what she's really thinking myself. :)

Thanks for responding.

I did tell him that the next time she calls and they go for drinks, that he should let me know and not tell her so that I can just show up. I really want to see her face when I show up and I want to get a feel for what she's really thinking myself.

I was going to suggest the same thing.

Have they always been friends or did they have a 'thing' at one time?

I wonder if its more like, she really doesn't want to be your friend, and of cause its more about him than you. Which is fine, not everyone is going to be your friend or an acquaintance for that matter. But I do agree that he should continue to handled it as he has, it shows he's honourable...

Paris

Hey miss b, I think you're handling this really well, and so is your man. :)

This other gal, I'm with those who feel sorry for her, because MAN she's just a pile of insecurity. Whether she was ever into your guy before or not, it sounds like she just wants male attention and he looks like a convenient target for her to use to build herself up. If she's that disrespectful of his relationship and his clear loyalty to you, then really this is All About Her and filling a bottomless pit of negative self-image. She has no clue how to get what she really needs so she acts out like an immature little brat.

Bet you she'll find some other guy to latch onto soon enough, and he won't be any good for her...it's just about filling a void. I think it will be some time after her divorce that she might heal up enough to not be so childish about things. "Current" husband you said? Probably she has never yet studied herself well enough to understand the mistakes she's making and will keep making them...

Missb, I think you're handling things well, too. And Goldie's probably right...susan is probably just looking for an easy target right now for gaining male attention or whatever else she wants. As soon as she finds an easier one, she'll be off both your backs. Stu's friend Lisa used to be like that....he'd hardly hear a peep from her if she had a guy, but when she was single, she'd practically stalk him.

I see girls like Lisa, and perhaps Susan too, as way too Narcissistic for my liking. I worked pretty hard to rid myself of such people when i was single, and I don't appreciate having them close to me through my partner. Narcissists are always bad news and they are NOT true friends.....they're more like needy, life-sucking vampires and extremely selfish. Hopefully Susan will leave your bf alone once she gets frustrated with his lack of devotion.

There have been several times with different guys in my life where I have had distinct gut feelings that a girl likes him/is coming on to him....where he says (innocently) "naw, she doesn't like me, we're just friends". Every time, I've been RIGHT !!!!

One time the girl in question called ME (she didn't know we were together yet because we were still trying to figure out how to "come out of the closet" with our huge age gap publicly) and asked ME if I thought K liked her and if she should tell him she liked him !!! :eek: This was two weeks after I picked up on her flirting "vibe" and told K she had the hots for him...his reply, "That's lame....we're just friends, she doesn't like me!"

I quickly told her that I didn't think he had a thing for her and that it wouldn't be wise to approach him.

My point.....poor guys (God love em)....they just can't pick up the signals from women like we can.

Susan is prowling. Tell your bf that WE all see it that way and he needs to continue to be careful and wonderful with the way he handles things.
Sometimes great guys start out innocent, but then begin to get flattered by the attention...that's not a good line to cross. Flattery is too tempting.

Trust your instincts, honey.....they are right on!

From what you wrote, it is obvious to me that She wants your guy big time. If your guy is interested in you and not her, I think he needs to tell her to stop flirting with him, and tell her to back off. If he likes her flirting, you two have issues.....

I was going to suggest the same thing.

Have they always been friends or did they have a 'thing' at one time?

I wonder if its more like, she really doesn't want to be your friend, and of cause its more about him than you. Which is fine, not everyone is going to be your friend or an acquaintance for that matter. But I do agree that he should continue to handled it as he has, it shows he's honourable...

Paris
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Paris...They worked together years ago. She quit the job and has continued to have contact with him over the years.

They've never had anything other than just a friendship.

I dont mind that she does not want a friendship with me, but it is strange that she refuses to meet me and left when she knew that I was coming.

Missb, I think you're handling things well, too. And Goldie's probably right...susan is probably just looking for an easy target right now for gaining male attention or whatever else she wants. As soon as she finds an easier one, she'll be off both your backs. Stu's friend Lisa used to be like that....he'd hardly hear a peep from her if she had a guy, but when she was single, she'd practically stalk him.

I see girls like Lisa, and perhaps Susan too, as way too Narcissistic for my liking. I worked pretty hard to rid myself of such people when i was single, and I don't appreciate having them close to me through my partner. Narcissists are always bad news and they are NOT true friends.....they're more like needy, life-sucking vampires and extremely selfish. Hopefully Susan will leave your bf alone once she gets frustrated with his lack of devotion.
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I agree Bella.......she's always called him when she's having financial problems or man problems. She tells him all of her personal business and expects him to give her advice on how to handle situations. When everything is fine in her life, he wont hear from her. We both figure she's trying to get back with the ex so things may be going well for her. From what I've heard about her she's very good at getting others to feel sorry for her. Playing ther poor Susan role.

From what you wrote, it is obvious to me that She wants your guy big time. If your guy is interested in you and not her, I think he needs to tell her to stop flirting with him, and tell her to back off. If he likes her flirting, you two have issues.....
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According to him this is the first time that she really flirted with him.

She's always kept the relationship as just friends. Its now that she knows that he's in a serious relationship that she decides to flirts.

hehe:) missb.....I've seen that sort of thing happen before too. Its as though when a guy-friend gets seriously attached to someone cool, his female friends suddenly see him as `boyfriend material'.

When I turned 25, I lost a new bf this way. Although I didn't know it, he had a massive crush on one of our female friends, but she was in an another relationship and had demonstrated no romantic interest in him. Well, 4 weeks into our romance, she called up my bf, and told him that being with me made her realise that she wanted him. So she dumped her bf, and he dumped me. Boy did that hurt for a long, long time! They had a torrid relationship which ended bitterly when she cheated on him many times. My heart bleeds for him :))

But anyway....perhaps for some women, weirdness towards a friend's gf is also about fear of losing their friend's attention and closeness? Single people don't have anyone else to put first in their lives, and they can be devoted in ways an attached friend can't.

hehe:) missb.....I've seen that sort of thing happen before too. Its as though when a guy-friend gets seriously attached to someone cool, his female friends suddenly see him as `boyfriend material'.

When I turned 25, I lost a new bf this way. Although I didn't know it, he had a massive crush on one of our female friends, but she was in an another relationship and had demonstrated no romantic interest in him. Well, 4 weeks into our romance, she called up my bf, and told him that being with me made her realise that she wanted him. So she dumped her bf, and he dumped me. Boy did that hurt for a long, long time! They had a torrid relationship which ended bitterly when she cheated on him many times. My heart bleeds for him :))

But anyway....perhaps for some women, weirdness towards a friend's gf is also about fear of losing their friend's attention and closeness? Single people don't have anyone else to put first in their lives, and they can be devoted in ways an attached friend can't.
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I think she's afraid of losing her friend. Normally he's been just dating women and she met several of them. Susan was the married one. But now that we're in a relationship I think she fears losing him and is using flirting as her way of expressing her concern. I dont know if she thought by not meeting me this would make him closer to her. If this is what she thought it actually went the other way. He's thinking she's strange as all of his other friends that I've met (couples and single males & females) we've gotten along and have had good times.

He claims that I should have been a party planner because I can plan then work a room as he says...lol. So in Susan's case he feels she's being unreasonable and she really has no reason to be.

I asked him last nite if he heard from her, he said no, and no news is good news in her case. So he may be waking up in regards to her.