What to do?

Hi
Got a girlfriend 42yo I'm 30. she's been married three times, separated with the last one. I'm separated myself. Been living with her for three years and find her an interesting person with which we share very many things. receantly been arguing alot. we work together and she wants to go open about our relationship. i'm too frightened to admit it as i worry of people's reaction. now at the point where i'm thinking of moving away as not sure of our future. there're two aspects of it: age and characters. age problem worries me as i'm not sure what the difference will be in 5, 10 years. characters is another story as she's got quite a strong one and i can't cope with it when being told how, what and when to do things. also as she's been married so many times that the track record makes me think of the possibility of being left at some point. I'd rather do it before her else i'll struggle to overcome the pain as i'm a very sensitive person. think i love her though she claims i don't care about her. I don't like showing my feelings as am affraid for them not to be used against me as my weaknesses.
Shall i carry on hanging in uncertainty or shall i move away and give her a chance as her biological clock is ticking away?
thanks.

You may not like this response...but it sounds like both of you are living in terror of the bogeyman. You are both being run by your fears of what might happen instead of living in the reality of now. If you gained awareness of these fears and how to get rid of them, maybe there would be a chance - but it sounds like any good in the relationship is being overpowered by your fear. If you'd rather give it up for fear of what "might" happen...you're better off apart, because you are not ready to be a partner.

Until you decide to really look at yourselves, you'll just keep running from person to person, constantly afraid of hurt and unable to enjoy love. Ironic isn't it. In many cases only one half of a couple suffers like this, but it's clear that both are in your case. A journey of self-discovery for each of you will be necessary before you are ever happy in life.

Best and welcome to ageless.

Maybe that's the reason she's been married 3x, no man is willing enough to put up with her b/s and her character. She doesn't sound like she's much respectful towards you...and you sound just as afraid, it shows in the way you write, and if you have to be cautious about how to display your feelings because she's going to use them aganist you...well, this isn't love buddy.

I would move away...gives you both time to regroup. This is why we here in this website encourage those who are married (regardless of whether you're separated or not), to take time to live on your own and regroup. When you've been married for a long time you get used to being with someone that once you separate, you don't give yourself time to heal and find your authentic self again. You immediately go into another relationship, afraid of being alone, and pick people who are in the same situation. If you were at a healthy place, I guarantee ya, you wouldn't pick this woman and you would recognize low self esteem when you see it. Sometimes it just sucks the air out of a room.

This isn't love most times, its rebound love, it takes care of your immediate needs but does not have room it needs to grow and stabilize into a love built on the foundation of charity, kindness, unconditional love. You really have to decide what is best for you and not waste another minute being in an unhealthy relationship. You need to get your self worth to a place of believing in yourself and what you deserve, and then going about finding that person who YOU deserve. As long as you stay in this relationship, your authentic self is being stifled by insecurities and I sense a man who really wants to be well loved.

paris

the most difficult part in this is that i am afraid to make the first step into the unknown. having done so and feeling hard ground under my feet i'd carry on then. another fact is that i agree with the suggestions that there's little hope for any good coming of this relationship. the thing is i don't talk to anyone about it and need some encouragement and support. also i agree with the fact that people usually hang on until they find someone else and then they break up which gives them no chance to reflect and analyse. don't want to make similar mistakes. i need to find myself first of all and then look for someone else to complete the picture.

green

Will someone, ANYONE, please explain to me why there are posts after posts about people who are hiding their relationships and are unsure if they want to make a commitment, yet they are ALREADY LIVING TOGETHER?? :confused: I'm confused-I thought moving in together WAS making a commitment. Is moving in together becoming as casual of a decision as what to wear each day? And WHY are people moving in with people who are NOT EVEN DIVORCED YET?

I think so many of the conflicts in the relationships I read about on this forum could be avoided by simply defining these relationships BEFORE making big decisions and serious commitments. Instead, it seems to be happening the opposite way: "Hey let's move in together/get married/have a baby and THEN decide what kind of relationship this is"

"Hey let's move in together/get married/have a baby and THEN decide what kind of relationship this is"
unfortunately...this is becoming more and more the social norm...people aren't taught to think and to feel critically anymore...it's all about instant gratification...to hell with the consequences...there's no respect for the institution of marriage...or even the institution of relationship/love, if i may...i'm sure lotta people see marriage as "going steady" "do you like me...mark yes or no"....things we did as kids...unfortunately...some never grew out of that...it just boils me...

this is not directed at you green...perhaps i should have done it in another thread...just wanted to pop off...thanks...

i can't cope with it when being told how, what and when to do things.

My ex-husband used to accuse me of the above. He used to say I was dominant. I had to walk as if on egg-shells to avoid hurting his ego. If you ask my bf, he will say I am submissive. The reality is that I am the same person, it is just that people who are not sure of themselves think that others are out to enslave them. If you feel you are being told what to do, well, you just have to be more assertive.

What you are experiencing with this woman will happen to you with others until you can find a way to define your space and defend it in a firm but friendly manner.

Well spotted sheila4pd. I'm not not sure of myself. I avoid talking about problems hoping they'll go away because i feel i'd hurt someone's feelings by doing so. i presume too much expecting people to figure it out for themselves that something's wrong or isn't pleasant for me, which way too often leads me into trouble as they proceed doing what they did before, meeting no resistance on their way. having said that i begin to realize that the forum is a great tool to begin to understand oneself though one other problem remains: how to take it into practice?

Been living with her for three years and find her an interesting person with which we share very many things. receantly been arguing alot. we work together and she wants to go open about our relationship. i'm too frightened to admit it as i worry of people's reaction. now at the point where i'm thinking of moving away as not sure of our future. there're two aspects of it: age and characters.

I'm completely confused about your situation. So, you've been living together for three years, but keeping it secret from everyone all this time? And now that she wants to go public with your relationship, suddenly you are developing these concerns about her age and her character?

I'm just confused as to why you have stayed with her all this time if you had these concerns and why suddenly they are surfacing at the time when she wants to go public about the relationship. And even more confused how someone can keep a relationship secret for three years when living together. :confused:

Dear Green,

You do realize your age gap is the same now as it was at the beginning of your relationship? Was this just a convenience for you both? Is she aware of this? Do you love her? It is very easy to talk to a woman and request change. We really do want to please, you know. Perhaps say, "I just love it when you ask me to do something, without demanding." Sometimes with work, house responsibilities, and other duties, we just begin to take each other for granted. What is she asking you to do? Is the workload equal? Why have you kept the relationship secret?

Two people who see each other daily and remain together three years must have some very strong points in the relationship. List the pros and cons of the relatioship.

Whenever I am trying to make a decision, I ask myself, "What, would I want to see happen?" It's a simple solution, but it gives insight.

Imagine your perfect day. Who would you be with,? Where would you go? What would you do?

You're at the stage when the honeymoon is over and the real work begins. It's very easy to bail our and start over. However, you will just gain a new set of problems. Hope this helps. pls

I think you are wonderful and thoughtful person. As both of you lived three years together sharing mutual interests tells me that few things.
Living together three years, secretly…. I believe your partner right about it. Have you thought about her? Do you know her feelings and that she might feel being awkward in such position. Maybe she looks for some kind of security, although it is not guaranteed if you announce it. Security is within you, which you must show her by your actions and words.

I believe you need to put more thought on this situation and define yourself. You, pardon me, and it’s sound to me, not ready for such relationships. You are not true to yourself and you must first understand what you want from such relationships. Despite of being three years with this person, basically cohabitation, you had a chance to make a decision. Instead, you have concentrated on only bad things, which finally will drive you apart. The problem is escalating between you both and it will go to final stage – break! You need to act here.

Mine advice to you is, if this woman means to you a lot and you don’t want loose her, please, speak up with her. Voice your concerns and explain this to her in the way she will understand.
Now, you are keeping this woman in uncertainty as well. Maybe this is the cause of your recent fights and her behavior. Love makes great transformation in people and brings all the best of them. Show your love to her. Have you thought what going on in her heart and mind? You mentioned age difference, this one more proof that you must resolve your fears. Be true to yourself and do not hold someone in uncertainty.

You have issues with people’s perception viewing you with this woman. (Looks like you embarrassed to show up publicly with her and she feels that). This barrier you have to cross in your mind in order to enter in healthy and long lasting relationships. If you loved her truly, this would not matter to you. Some literature about physiology will give you some knowledge, otherwise women in current society taking care very well about them self. I do not want offend young women but sometime it looks opposite.

Moving away ……., maybe on new place, where there are not many familiar people will help you to adjust. However, I must warn you, it is matter of your mind and thought, you must overcome them, otherwise doubt will chase you and this relationships will end.

Married many times….. Yes, it tells me that she is not going stand to false relationships. Learn little bit about her previous marriages and there is the answer on your question.

Most of all you need to overcome your fears, define yourself, and have confidence as a Man. You love her and it is seen through sentences, but for full happiness with her, you need to stop being intimidated by her strength. Accept her as a strong woman, but accept yourself as strong Man. An attitude, is the answer her. I would like to mention, it really helps. Mine great and brilliant friend helped me to overcome some issue I had in past and I feel much better now of mine self. I still have much to learn, but I am happy with the beginning. From mine own experience, love brings all the best from you and you discover things, which you thought will never do and was not capable of it.

Love is patient and kind, it is not jealous, conceited, or proud, love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable, love does not keep records of wrongs, love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up, love is eternal.
Corinthians 13:4-8.

Have courage.

I think so many of the conflicts in the relationships I read about on this forum could be avoided by simply defining these relationships BEFORE making big decisions and serious commitments.

unfortunately...this is becoming more and more the social norm...people aren't taught to think and to feel critically anymore...it's all about instant gratification

And as we relax our morals and values we lose our compass to be able to discern who we are, whom we should be and to who we should be loyal to first...our sense of self becomes wrapped up in all the emotions of love and sex and feelings, that we become blinded to the faults and make excuses for the twinges our gut is telling us about this other person. We settle for a crumb of happiness, not seeing ahead to the whole feast that awaits if we but exercise some patience.

Being 'alone' has become a dirty 5 letter word that we cannot cope with. And as we grow, marry, move away from family and friends...we can become overwhelm with being 'alone' and relying on our own constitution. Personally I really think one should take at least a year to get to know someone really well. We need to get past the 'I'm getting to know you stage' to the 'honeymoon' stage to the 'lets define this' stage to the 'comfortable' stage. Its the comfortable stage that tells you loads about the other person.

I had a friend who after 3 months of dating, would intentionally instigate an arguement with the guy she was dating at that time. She would always say, you know alot about a guy by the way he fights, the words he uses in fighting and if he was using them to make a point or to bust your chops or just be hurtful and spiteful. She remembers alot of fighting with her parents and the cruelty was more than she could bear...obviously she's happy with the one she married, its been some 15 years now.

the most difficult part in this is that i am afraid to make the first step into the unknown. having done so and feeling hard ground under my feet i'd carry on then.

You start, green, by taking baby steps. Start by sitting down and writing down what your thoughts are about your situation and your life thus far. Explain to your lady that you want both to do this and then later in the evening compare notes. Then sit down together and compare notes. Sometimes its just a matter of changing expectations, or unfulfill expectations. That can clutter our self worth and makes us believe that what we have is not all worthwhile. And your lady may just find her own self worth and the real reason she's with you. You have to be prepare thought to hear some hard truths as she sees them and not get bend out of shape. You need to hear this to make any necessary changes and so does she.

once you both decide on writing about your feelings, the next step will be open to you and you will go from there. You may find that there are things to be worked on or it is better to separate and take care of yourselves and other relationships that are hanging in limbo. There's no way for this relationship to go forward when there's other baggage. 12 years is not much, green, at least it isn't if you don't make it so.

You should also be prepare financially to move out if its not what you or she can live with. Alone is better than being miserable and knowing you're making someone esle miserable, as you are both now, don't you think. good luck.

Paris

what a nice bunch of people you are here. see myself from a completely different angle now. realize how much work one has to do on themselves rather than sitting and waiting for happiness to be delivered to them by others. great thank you for your advice.

i'm too frightened to admit it as i worry of people's reaction. now at the point where i'm thinking of moving away as not sure of our future. I don't mean to hammer on ya, but at 30 years of age, you need to work that first. I almost think you are coming up with reasons to leave her so you will not have to face what you think will be other people's reactions. Good luck in sorting it out.

You're right Yellow/R...but I think its more that her strong personality is causing an imbalance of power and a rift and she's whipping him good and she knows it. A friend's mother is like this with her own ym.

After awhile, one cannot grow or want to live in the negative all the time. His own self worth is telling him to leave as a means of self perservation or he'll be no good to himself, this woman or anyone else. I would hate to see him get angry enough to push back as it will not go well for him and will land him in a heap of trouble. So he's right in either letting her know what's going on with him, work together to make changes or if it cannot be worked out, he should leave.

characters is another story as she's got quite a strong one and i can't cope with it when being told how, what and when to do things.

Paris

decided to talk today. such a big step for me. to be honest, never felt so pleased and relieved. most of the problems seem to have existed only in my head. inability(or unwillingness) to talk about them was a virus which was slowly but surely destroying the relationship. talking about what worried me helped me to find the way out. it's true that it take a courage to make a decision and the rest is just work. once again thank you all for the support.

Don't think there's any future for us. All is good and well in words but the personalities are not flexible enough to change, waiting for another one to adjust to their way of life and please their ego. Best to move apart and chill out from it. Don't see any point in waisting time.