Booty call?

I have been reading a lot of the threads and was struck by one posted by a jluc2141. He stated that YM are with OW for the sex. The "ease" of it, that it is "good". I was wondering if anyone else out there felt this might be the case with their ym? The booty call - I know at the beginning that is what it was with my ym and me. But I feel this has changed since he wants to spend time talking or sharing something on tv with me now when I am there. (Before it was just the sex and I would leave). Now he said we need to "bond" more often. If it's just for the sex do the guys start to tell you they love you and want to spend more time with you? I mean, there was no reason for him to say that. I was sleeping with him as often as he (and I) wanted. I gave him no reason to think that unless he got in deeper I would not see him anymore. I get very confused about this.

Concerning my marriage...I told my husband that he deserved to be free to find someone who would make him happy....things got very ugly.

I cant answer your question personally regarding the booty call. But I do know that relationships develop in many ways.

For me it was a progression of things that led to a relationship. We spent time together and got to know each other prior to having sexual relations. So when I had sex with my y/m I already had strong feelings for him. I wasnt in love, but we did have a strong friendship and close bond.

I do know of other relationships that have developed from "booty calls". One found that they had such a great time sexually that they both wanted to see each other on a daily basis. This added more to the relationship and years later this couple is still together.

You mention that you are confused. Do you want the relationship to be more than just sexual? What are your response when he wants to do more than have sex?
Are you prepared for that type of relationship, since you mentioned a husband?

Good luck :)

To me it sounds like the ym is falling in love with you (if he hasn't already). The hooking up thing doesn't work that way if there are no deeper feelings involved—sounds like he's wanting more out of the relationship. So this is good, if you feel the same way.

Whenever I start to think my relationship with my ym is just sex, or at least sex-based, we do something together and have a really good time and it makes me think there's more potential. We go on dates but the sex is the highlight, beyond a doubt. Like you though, I can go with it either way. :rolleyes:

He could just feel like he's supposed to say those things. There's no guarantee he actually feels that way.

But, certainly not all YM want to be with their OW just for a "booty call." Jeremy was the exact opposite of that. He told me the last thing he wanted was a one night stand.

Are you certain that you have done all that is possible to save your marriage? You have to be sure of this because after the divorce, when problems start (financial, with your YM, and others) there are days when you will ask yourself this very same question.

Just make sure that the only reason to leave your husband is not the YM, specially since you do not know how things stand regarding commitment.

BTW - the guy who wrote that is 40 years old. Not exactly in touch with our YM generation. Heck, he'd be an OM on the other side of the boards! Not only that, he even stated that they were jerks.

But, still, I don't agree that his idea fits in with our YM. Most of the YM here, in relationships, I would say are exceptional. They pursued the OW in spite of the age, not because she was older and an easy mark. I hope that was what happened with you and your YM. If not, he may be one of those players. But I don't know your whole story, so it's hard to comment.

In other words you made it clear that you enjoy having sex with him and it doesn't bother you if your relationship is only sexual. So it means that you made it clear that he doesn't have to walk upside down, stick colourful feathers in his butt and kneel in front of you with false promises of a long and flowery future together in order for you to have sex with him, which is wonderful.

But this ym ended up liking you on different levels and is surely getting attached (in love I don't know that's a big word) so now the question is: do you want more than just sex with this ym ? and if not, are you going to tell him before he gets even more attached ? Or you need some time to think things over ?

ps: I will not comment on the hubby situation out of respect for the general attitude about this subject on Ageless

Strangely after two failed marriages and having men who took me completely for granted, all I wanted from my YM was sex.(Something I never enjoyed with my ex) That was five years and three months ago and here we are still together and very much in love.

As others have mentioned, each relationship progresses in different ways and time frames. I realized quickly into mine that my SO wanted love and I didn't. But he became part of my heart before I knew what hit me, and his patience in allowing me to go through the process of being "sure", helped to push me even further into his arms.

Loucine - Yes, since we have been having sex for several years and I never pressed him for anymore than he wanted to give, I was fine with the relationship just being sexual....until he started asking me if I loved him. He asked me what I thought people would say if they knew about us....what his dad would say...what my daughters would say...etc. Those things started messing with my head and I realized that I had stronger feelings for him than I thought I did. And yes, I do want more than just sex with him. I would LIKE to see where this will go.

Thank you for being sensitive to the marriage situation. I have been all over this on another thread and was convinced that the time was way passed to let it all go. Sad, but necessary.

Kristin - I thought maybe he felt he had to say those things, too, but I can't think of any reason why. He never had to do anything special to get me to sleep with him other than make me feel pretty and sexy. He wasn't required to be in love with me. I know there is no guarantee he actually feels the things he says, but I have learned there is no guarantee about anything. ps. Your Jeremy sounds like a very special guy.

I really don't think my ym is a player. His father is a childhood friend of mine and I have known him for years. He has been in several long term relationships and to my knowledge, was faithful to them all. He started talking to me about his last relationship when it was falling apart...asking me for a woman's point of view and so on and so forth. He found out after she left that she had another guy all lined up. I think he was much more hurt than he let on. Anyway, things just seemed to heat up between us after a few months. He told me this was not a relationship, it was just for sex. I understood that. That was years ago. It's been the last six months that he has been saying things that make me feel he is getting deeper into this.

booty call or "sex" is not exclusively sexual or physcial gratification...there are always feelings involved...how deep or authentic they are is another matter...

you're walking in a mine field...although you've stated that you and the ym have been together as often as you both want...guys are very territorial...i suspect he wants you all to himself...be it superficially...purely sexual...or in a "real" relationship for a lack of a better term...i suspect consciously or subconsciously...he doesn't like the fact that after y'all are done...you go back to your husband... and i'm sure that eats at him...to him you're a conquest who's not fully conquered...you're still another man's wife...so i woudln't necessarily confuse his words or questions as a genuine attempt to develope something deeper with you...this may sound harsh but...once he has you...then the thrill of the chase is over...the challenge accomplished...and you might be left to pick up the pieces...

so i'm rambling...the whole situation is not healthy as you very well know...you need to close one door before you step into another...

Kyrie, I don't know about your age difference or about your surroundings. Are you in some kind of a 'forbidden love' situation ?
You've been seeing this man for years and if both of you want this 'liason' to turn into a serious relationship, it's maybe time for you to reassure him that you will get your armour out and the two of you will fight against all odds. Do you think it's possible ?

Missb - When my ym asks me to do something other than have sex, I like it. I enjoy spending time with him and making him laugh. He can be moody and I like to kid him out of it. He is an avid bass fisherman and wants to share the comical aspects of the tournaments that he records with me. He can talk for hours about his job and the people there. I think he likes that I listen. I am interested. I guess what has me so confused is that , and maybe I am completely off base on this, I would think that he would want to see me every day. When I was still with my husband that wasn't possible, of course. I think that he (YM) likes that he can go and do all the things he likes to do (fishng) and see me when he wants to. That is ok with me, but I start to wonder when I haven't heard anything from him for a few days. I guess I wonder if he misses me. I am trying to go forward and get myself organized since I am on my own for the very first time. I guess I should appreciate the space.

DSpring and I posted at the same time so I read his post after I had already posted mine. It's interesting what he's saying from a man's perspective.

I lived a simmilar situation 10 years ago and the rivalry between my first and second husband still continues even though I'm no longer with either one of them.

[QUOTE=DSpring] you're a conquest who's not fully conquered...you're still another man's wife...so i woudln't necessarily confuse his words or questions as a genuine attempt to develope something deeper with you...this may sound harsh but...once he has you...then the thrill of the chase is over...the challenge accomplished...and you might be left to pick up the pieces...

Dspring - Don't think I haven't thought this myself. I have torn this whole thing apart and put it back together so many times trying to figure out why he wants to do this. I have a hard time believing that he would just walk away because the "chase" is over. I guess I feel there is more between us than that. Maybe I just don't understand the male ego, I don't know. This is was scares me. But...I know if that happened, it would break my heart, but I would survive non the less. I will be ok.

kyrie...what is the status with you and your husband? did you move out? i must have missed that...

Loucine - The age difference is 23 yrs. He is 33 and I am 56. I don't know if it would be considered "forbidden love". I am friends with his dad and we all hang out with the same people. It would be a shock to everyone, that's for sure. My ym has never been married and doess't seem interested in ever being married or having kids. I don't know if I am up for an "all out battle" just yet. I'm not sure he ever would be. I'm just trying to figure out if he is really as interested in me as he says he is. I hate the idea of being anyone's "conquest"!

Getting reay to move this weekend. He is still stinging ane ranting and very angry. I know he wasn't happy, either. Maybe your "possession" idea has some merit.......

Well, maybe it was just that he didn't feel free to express any emotions or even develop any emotions with you before, because you were to the point where you were ready to leave your husband?

You are preparing to do so now, and I have to assume you have discussed this with your y/m...Maybe not he feels more free to develop and or express emotions because you are NOT going to be someone else's wife.

Just a thought.

Well...like others here, I find it hard to assess whether your guy really wants more than just the booty call or if it's just words. It might work out, like others have said too, things can develop out of many different types of beginnings.

It was very important what Kristin pointed out, that the guy who said that YM are only after sex was probably doing it as a jealous putdown and is not a representative YM himself! Just grab for the nearest nasty stereotype...you know the kind!

My relationship didn't start out as a booty call, we were truly interested in far more of each other than just that, which is why we are still together (and buying a house right now) although for sure the physical fun has been a nice part of everything. :D

You know...we are all familiar with the whole "men just want sex" thing. A lot of this attitude comes from the deepest of fears. Guys are generally taught all their lives not to be vulnerable, not to show emotion, not to get involved, that we are snares and traps to be avoided. You mentioned, kyrie, that this booty call thing started up after your guy got really hurt by someone else. So what was his solution? Avoid getting involved in order to avoid getting hurt. Men are far tenderer creatures than they want us to realize (so is EVERY human being, but they are taught they don't have that luxury). So much of this avoidance behavior is aimed at protecting themselves, and it keeps them away from experiencing the love that only comes when you DO risk yourself. (Some of the WORST players are reactionaries of the first order because they are SO afraid of getting hurt - so they hurt others first.)

Now, after a while of feeling safe with you, maybe your guy feels ok to come out of his shell and risk vulnerability and interdependency again. It does happen. :)

Thank you so much, Goldie Cat. I don't know what to think or what is really going through his mind. Like you said, maybe he is reacting to the pain he experienced when his last "real" relationship broke up. But he opens up with me. His dad and his brother live in the same condo complex and he has expressed a jealousy that they spend time together and don't come to his place and hang out. I think he is hurt by this, but too "macho" to say it hurts him. He says it makes him mad. I don't think he has shared these feelings with anyone else. He has told me before that I know him better than anyone else. I think this is true. He is a pretty closed up kind of guy. Sometimes it bothers me that this relationship started with sex, but I guess they all have to start somewhere. I would like to think that he had feelings for me before, but I know that isn't true. If feelings have emerged, that is great, but it DID start out as just sex. I hope that he feels he can trust me with his feelings and thoughts. I certainly care a great deal about how he feels. I am just so scared of putting my heart on the line again. I got really crushed doing that.

Jo-admin - I have told my YM that I am, indeed, planning on leaving my husband. Since we have been married for 37 years, this is how my YM reacted. "Do I think you want to leave him? Yes. Do I think that you WILL, No. " I have been so stressed about telling my husband that I want to end it, (added to the fact that I have not heard from my YM in a few days (his mom is in town) that I haven't actually TOLD my YM about the separation. I am kind of nervous how he will react. Will he think that I now want him to REPLACE my husband? (I don't). Will he think he owes me something because I "left my husband for him"? ( I didn't. The marriage died a long time ago.) I just want to find some peace and enjoy the fact that I don't have to "answer to anyone but myself" now.

There isn't any way to tell what's going on in somebody else's mind. None at all. You can ask them, but they may or may not tell you the truth. If the question is whether a casual relationship *can* turn into something deeper, of course it can. Can it also continue for a long time without getting deeper? Of course.

The issue seems to be that you aren't actually free to pursue a committed relationship were one offered. And in reality, you have to base that decision on what is best for you, regardless of whether this guy is in or out of the picture.

When the possibility is real, then you get to see if he stays or walks and that will answer the question. Until then, you can't know for sure :<

And, Desertspring...that sucks. I would like to know what is going on with him, but like you said, that's impossible. You are right, and I have known that all along. When I am actually free, whether he still wants to see me will tell me what he feels. I wish people would just be up front about what they want. It would make everything so much easier. If he hangs in there, I will like that. If not, I will survive.

Kyrie,

I read your' first thread in which you discussed the situation with your' soon to be ex and your ym. I am glad that you were able to find the courage to express your feelings to him and that he was apparently not violent.

On to the question at hand. I know that you addressed the question to the ladies, but as a YM myself, I may be able to add some useful input. I cannot speak for younger men in general; I am the only person in my circle of friends with a lady friend eighteen years older than I. I have two good friends who are married, he's 27, she's 37, but that is the closest that I know of. I know that he is certainly in the marriage for his wife as a person and not just for sex.

As for myself, I am head over heals in love, and my lady and I havn't even gotten to a physical relationship. Two years of a nonphysical relationship and I can definitely say that it isn't about the sex. I have found in her so much depth of character and such a beautiful and gentle spirit, the age really isn't an issue. Just my thoughts.

I give you my best wishes, Kyrie.

Dan Echo

In other words you made it clear that you enjoy having sex with him and it doesn't bother you if your relationship is only sexual. So it means that you made it clear that he doesn't have to walk upside down, stick colourful feathers in his butt and kneel in front of you with false promises of a long and flowery future together in order for you to have sex with him, which is wonderful.

But this ym ended up liking you on different levels and is surely getting attached (in love I don't know that's a big word) so now the question is: do you want more than just sex with this ym ? and if not, are you going to tell him before he gets even more attached ? Or you need some time to think things over ?

ps: I will not comment on the hubby situation out of respect for the general attitude about this subject on Ageless

Great post Loucine! (You are so hilarious!!) Nice to see your lovely avatar! XOXO

My feeling on this is...it's a Booty Call if that's what you want it to be..doesn't sound like he looks at it that way...but then again I'm not a mind reader. If you are both seeking a committed relationship then NO it's not a booty call..if one or both of you is in it for sex only then YES it is a booty call.

Thanks, Kathyw, you cut through all the emotional stuff and got right to the point. I want it to be more than a booty call. It started out being a booty call, but we both seem to have become more attached than that. It's too early for a committed relationship since I am not out of my marriage yet. If it turns out that we both want that, I will certainly do a better job this time than I did in my marriage. I am learning to speak up and say what I want. This has been hard for me to do in the past.

Dan Echo - Thank you for the ym's perspective. I know all ym aren't alike but I certainly hope mine is as considerate and loving as you are.

Doesn't really matter, I guess. An old girlfriend (10 yrs. younger than he is) called him and stopped by to see him. I haven't heard from him for 3 wks. I can't compete with her.