He left...again

Hi there,

First i want to apologize for any spelling mistakes (English is not my language)
I don't know if anyone remembers me, i joined this site few months ago, got so much support for few days and all was ok with me and my y/m, but i didn't use the site for a while and feel sorry for that.
I am 36 d+1 and my (ex) y/m is 23. We broke up last nigh (3rd time now), and it came from him (again). I know he loves me very much, i feel it and he told me so many times, he says he loves me, is crazy about me, thinks about me all day, he told me all the beautiful things we all love to hear from our loved one, I feel great with him, very loved, and I love him just the same!! We have been together for 6 month.
Last night he got cold feet again and we ended up breaking up, I asked him to leave my apartment because I wanted to cry, and didn't want him to see me crying. I feel angry, because I don’t have doubts about us, it is always him. My heart is broken and I want some advice. I miss him already and I know he does, but I also know that I can't let him come and go as he wishes, it kills me when he leaves...

Dear Veredush,

Our thoughts and prayers are with you. I know you are hurting; but be strong and have faith. Love can endure many problems.

What are your quarrels over? Six months is not very long ; but just about the time differences begin to surface. Is he seeing someone else? Are you trying to pressure him into a commitment? Are you living together?

Sometimes, a womans need for security and commitment can cause a man to bolt.
There are so many on this site that offer good counsel. Give some more details and God bless you! PLS

HI again,

Thank u peggylsyder.

He is not seeing someone else, I know it for sure, and I could trust him more then any man in my life. I never pressured him into a commitment, and we are not living together, but he used to stay over very often. Money was never a problem, I never asked him to give me any support, and I look after myself.

I know he wants me and loves me more then I can ask, but...the age is a problem (and more for him), but he can't play with my emotions, he doesn't want to heart me but he is doing so,for a couple of months he is ok, and then he is not and we end up breaking up.

I don't know if he will change his mind, and if he does, what do I do? I don't want to feel the way I do now, it is so awful, two days it was so different, the breakup happens all of a sudden, when it's all ok-no warnings before! It makes it even harder.

Veredush, I would bet the age issue is just a convenient thing to blame for his real issues. Sounds like this guy has some emotional problems and unresolved fears that make him unable to sustain a relationship, even a good one. Until he can dig those out and get them treated, it won't matter how good things are or how much he loves you, something ELSE is running the show and it needs to be taken care of. This will just keep frustrating you even though to you it's not logical that he does this. It is SURE unfair to you.

Please suggest that he see some sort of counselor about his approach-avoidance problem.

Best wishes. :)

Dear Vereduch,

I think you are very wise not to want a repeat performance. Should he change his mind, I would use that time to talk with him about how he handles problems in general. You just can't walk away and then return with no regard for the other persons feellings.

How many years difference in your ages?

This sounds harsh; but men often confuse sex with love. They can " fall in love" when they are wanting sex and then leave when the pressure is relieved.

You deserve some stability, as emotional turmoil is not a healthy enviornment to live in.

I think I would keep the relationship non-sexual until he knew what was troubling him. Let him know you love him and are not withholding to punish etc...

Do something nice for yourself, surround yourself with beautiful music or whatever you enjoy! I wish you much happiness.

This sounds harsh; but men often confuse sex with love. They can " fall in love" when they are wanting sex and then leave when the pressure is relieved.

You took the words right out of my mouth. If this is the 3rd breakup, then its time to kick his butt to the curb and power up your self worth. You know, love doesn't mean that you have to put up with bad behaviour...and since you continue to let him back in, he knows he can get away with it when his southern nuts are itching to be in a hole somewhere.

Remember that you teach people how to treat you. Your partner is doing what he is doing because they can. If you're allowing the behavior to continue by making excuses for your partner and blaming yourself, stop. If you want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require it.

He is not seeing someone else, I know it for sure, and I could trust him more then any man in my life.

Come on, you're not really that clueless are you, you have no clue what he's doing during those break up periods. What is it that Greg Behrendt said, he's the author of 'He's just not THAT into you'. Its all about break up sex. He comes into your life because he's feeling needy, you fill the physical void, ya'll have sex and then he becomes confuse again and leave. Girlfriend, he was never unconfuse, but he was sure of the sex and for many, many men who don't have to be IN love with you to have sex, its a 'good thing' for the here and now.

"I don't understand why women don't understand that, particularly in this age—not in your grandparents' age, but in this age—you can have what you want. You can have exactly your life. You can have your life exactly as you want it."
— Oprah

Oprah also said that considering the empowerment that women have reach to in the last 100 years or so, in this one area (love/men and relationships) we just don't get it.

I agree.

Will Smith made some interesting quotes when he was on Oprah...about implementing the 3 date rule...1st date: illuminate the best parts of yourself...from a great smile, to eye contact, to communication and listening...2nd date...exchange coupled with range...give a deeper side of yourself, the range, You want to be able to quote [rapper] Kanye West and [German philosopher Friedrich] Nietzsche and 3rd Date...you want to make it real, show your habits, why...you don't want to waste your time dating," Will says. "You don't want to have five months with somebody, and…you find out you're not vibing after five months. In 10/12 days you show know if you're into this person or if he's into you. The mistake we make is in making excuses and hoping that it will go away or work itself out.

I think your 5 months are up.
You are supposed to feel good in a relationship. If you don't feel good, there is something wrong. No matter how you play it in your mind or try to spin it because you want to come out on top, anything that has you questioning this much isn't good for you. And you know what, newflash, you do have choices to do something about it, although I recognize that you may need to be booted a few more times before you actually really get it. Let's hope your self esteem doesn't get battered in the process because all that does is put you in the bottom of the pail just scratching. Don't ruin your manicure...he's just not THAT into you.


Paris

Okay, rather than just presuming that this ym is a 'typical' man that confuses sex with love (????) and will only commit and get married if you literally drag him into the church or force him....

maybe, just maybe he is struggling with the age gap. See, the OP says this:

but...the age is a problem (and more for him), but he can't play with my emotions, he doesn't want to heart me but he is doing so,for a couple of months he is ok, and then he is not and we end up breaking up.

and I would tend to think that maybe she knows this guy better than we do, since we haven't met him. She SAYS the age is a problem. Maybe they've talked about it and he has TOLD her that he struggles with it. Maybe they've had many in-depth, heart to heart discussions about it, but he still struggles?

Maybe he is an *** that is using it as an excuse, but isn't it a bit harsh to assue he is without any real information.

To the OP... All I can suggest i that you have a talk with him and find out EXACTLY how he feels. If he REALLY struggles with the age gap so much, then mabe he isn't the one for you. You might have to let him go because he might just do this over and over.

And it might be what I said, an emotional problem. That opinion got snowed under with all the focus on sex, which was not even MENTIONED by the OP. Got off the subject did we? :rolleyes:

And it might be what I said, an emotional problem. That opinion got snowed under with all the focus on sex, which was not even MENTIONED by the OP. Got off the subject did we?

It is obviously emtional, but come on... what YM doesn't think with his other head 90% of the time, it's just a question of whether or not they let that control their actions.

My 2 cents worth: He is probably 'in love' with you just like my YM was 'in love' with me, but when the going gets more serious... he runs. Then he probably goes around, maybe even gets lucky (or not) then starts to remember the nice lady who probably gave him lots of nice attention and sex. (yes there is the sex again) But then once he is there again, the same fear hits him as before... then he runs... again. "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

I would suggest not 'taking him back'. Maybe a few casual dates, but nothing intimate till he figures out WTH his problem is, and it IS his problem, not yours. There are tons of men out there, young or old who you can choose from. Remember, no matter your age, you are still female and unless you change that :p men will ALWAYS be interested in you. ;)

Hi everybody!!

I was away from home for few hours, I only got in now, checking what you guys wrote. I am glad I have your att. it's so helping me..

"...want to be treated with dignity and respect, stand up and require ite back to me.."

Very true.. He thinks only about what he feels, that what I am realizing now, and it is so unfair....
.
Dear Peggy!!

I am not going to repeat performance at the moment that is for sure!! I am angry now more then I am heart.

"...And since you continue to let him back in, he knows he can get away with it when his southern nuts are itching to be in a hole somewhere..."

It is so right, and that is why I said-next time it will be under some rules
(if..) am I right?? So far he did what he wanted, loves me or not, he cared about himself more then me, he didn't think about my broken heart as long as I kept taking him back again...

But I have to say something:

It is all great to say things and have planes, but when it's real time to do or say things face to face, we all (most of us) make mistakes and ending up asking ourselves: "why"...


".....You have no clue what he's doing during those break up periods..."'

About that dear Irparis... that is what I felt, and maybe I am wrong, but we used to spend most days&nights together, and I never had a reason to suspect, but if he did have another women then he can go to hell, it will not make me want him more, but you are right, you can never be 100% sure.

Curly,

".. There are tons of men out there, young or old who you can choose from. Remember.."

true and sometimes I forget it is true, because after every breakup, my confidence is quite low for a while and I hate it. People always compliments me for my look, and I really don't look very much older then my y/m. I told him last night, and I don't know if I did right: "... you go and look for a 25 years old girl who will have one or two wrinkles 5 years later then me, you says you love me so much, but you are giving up again, not because you want, it is because people think you should...but you forget that 5 minute after what they are suggesting, they forget what they said and are moving on to the next subject, and you?? You are stuck with their opinion which is never the same as your wish..."

I am really so glad to hear what you guys have to say, I so need it, god bless you all

Okay, rather than just presuming that this ym is a 'typical' man that confuses sex with love (????) and will only commit and get married if you literally drag him into the church or force him....

I didn't think the OP was suggesting marriage, they've only been dating 6 months and every 2 months on average he was breaking up with her, she was suggesting that he define this relationship. At 6 months he should know, let's face it, casual sex is casual sex, and its ok when both parties have knowingly entered into that contract to define the relationship as such. But I didn't get the impression that casual sex was what she was seeking.

when he keeps breaking it off a relationship for which she has an understanding that it is more than casual sex...that hurts big time and it continues to hurt until you do something about it and clean house. As Goldie said, this is an emotional problem for him, well let him deal with it, but she has the right to know that she doesn't have to. he keeps himself from investing any worthwhile time and he knows it, but she has invested emotional time and for her the pain is much too real.

If he's struggling with the age gap, than he shouldn't be involve in an agr and Vere a man only breaks up with me once (maybe twice if he's truly repentant), most of the time I can't go back...going back to be kick in the teeth again and again, just means I have no self worth. I can't afford to lose something so vital to my existence, that helps me to cope and surf out unacceptable behaviour. If you relax that, then you become game for every bloody nut case that comes along because they will see your vulnerablity and use it against you.

So really consider it, and if he does come back and for whatever reason you feel "inspire" to take him back...let him earn his way back for a time. Since every 2 months seems to be the norm for him...As Rob stated, that means no sex, no staying over and an aids test because you just never know. If he bolts, well there's your answer, if he stays then its workable, but be advise even after all you can do, he still might bolt. Its just not worth it as he is untrustworthy, but you have to decide that for yourself. Good luck.

Paris

Hi Veres

But I was in practically 'exactly' the same position as you, and our ages were even the same...Im 37 now, but at the time I was 36 and he was 23....

We ended up breaking up 5 times...and each time it was ME that did the breaking up but he would somehow manage to weedle his way back in again....

It really hurt Veres, because I put up with 'all sorts of nonsense' from him....and right at the very end....'breakup number 5' he finally actually admitted (1 year later) that he couldn't handle the age difference....Now, if he had told me that at the beginning....Well, Im sure things would have been different....But he kind of left that detail out....

And it was that particular detail that finally broke us up completely....

I look very young for my age as well...but my self-confidence DID suffer all through that relationship, because I never felt like he really accepted me....

It didn't take him long to find some one else,,,someone 10 years younger than me....but he has since broken up with her as well....

You know what Veres....I look back and often wonder if it really WAS the age thing, or the fact that he just couldn't handle any sort of commitment...

Who knows....

Anyway....I wish you luck in your healing process.....I know how hard it it, I really do.....But when I look back on it all I am Glad that it all happened.....It forced me to take a good look at myself, and I realised that I was Crazy to be accepting this type of treatment.....I deserve so much better, and I would rather be alone, than settle for any less....

Hugs and stuff.....

Rob, if it came across in my post that I feel the "typical" male is as you described, please accept an apology.

Men typically don't have to be "drug to the alter". However, this ym's actions said something was definitely wrong and confusing love with the desire to have sex was just one possibility.

I'm working around 3500 men and let me tell you sex is a priority with you guys. I was talking with a marine at lunch yesterday and thought we were having a friendly conversation. I thanked him and said, "I so enjoyed this conversation, you're such a gentleman.' He said, "Don't think I'm a gentleman. It wasn't your intelligence than made me sit next to you.(the curse of the boobs) I've already made love to you three times during our conversation in my mind." Who said something about thinking with the other head?

I've gotten an education here and I'm eating lunch in my office!

Goldie,

"..Please suggest that he see some sort of counselor about his approach-avoidance problem.."
I thought about ןא all the time, but was never able to ask him do that. I am not sure if I was careful to not scare him, or was not confidence to talk about it. Don't get me wrong on this one, I am confidence, he didn't lead our relationship, and was in tears when we broke up last time. I am thinking now he might had some talk with few friends or family (I only know few of his friends and his brother). Any way I don't think he was fair on me because from day 1 he knew we would have to ignore what people say if we want to be together.

Iparis..

"...I can't afford to lose something so vital to my existence, that helps me to cope and surf out unacceptable behaviour.."

Sure right!!, that was my feeling-am I loosing it?? I can't let him do that, you know yesterday I talking to my sister about me and my y/m and she said: He is a great guy and I like him very much, but how can you let him come and go as he wishes?? It is now 3rd time he does that, why do you think he will not do that again?? Unless you stop it here and now, he is not in front of you because he is younger-don't loose your confidence, kick him out when/if he comes back.

I don’t want to let him comeback just like that (if he does), and to be honest-I love him very much, but I wish I could feel different, I wish I didn’t love him anymore, because I believe if you love someone you will do anything if you are getting love back, and he gave up 3 times now-it is 3 times too many isn’t it?

All i want now is to feel good, and i don't, i go to bed with tears and wake up the same, i hate it..i feel like a big baby.

All i want now is to feel good, and i don't, i go to bed with tears and wake up the same, i hate it..i feel like a big baby.

Better to feel like this now....because if you keep going back, you will be feeling much worse than just a big baby....;)

Rob, if it came across in my post that I feel the "typical" male is as you described, please accept an apology.

Men typically don't have to be "drug to the alter". However, this ym's actions said something was definitely wrong and confusing love with the desire to have sex was just one possibility.

Well, I just get tired of everyone jumping to the conclusion that men are just after sex, cheating, or whatever, when an ow posts with concerns about their relationship. If this was a man posting and saying his g/f kept leaving him and said that she had a bigger problem than her with the ag, then I think I know what the vast majority of posts would be saying...

In this case she actually mentioned that he has a bigger problem with the ag than her, so why couldn't that be the problem, that he just can't handle it. As Goldie mentioned, it might not be just that but he might have underlying emotional problems. That IS a good point.



The marine example would ring true. You're talking about a guy that spends a huge amount of time with a workforce that consists mainly of men. He's in a very 'macho' environment.
But... how many women would you think I've come across that drool all over good-looking guys that walk into a bar or pub? Some of the situations I've witnessed with my female friends...
Plus, I know plenty of guys that don't just objectify women like that.

As an aside, I mentioned having to drag men to the alter from another thread entirely because I read it on the same day as this, it wasn't directly related. Two examples of men being stereotyped... in a bad way.

I guess why it gets to me is that if this is how a lot of women think men are and we're immediately judged like this, then I WILL be too, regardless of what I'm actually like. What if I said that women were nagging, whinging, needy and over-emotional (another gender stereotype)??? I certainly know of women that are like that, but not 'that' many.

Hows about we take the approach many people advocate here when giving advice on actually finding a partner... treat everyone as individuals.

Sorry for the rant. :)

and I would tend to think that maybe she knows this guy better than we do, since we haven't met him.

And what does she know about him:

1. He has a problem with the age gap
2. He's good at not committing, even to a friendship
3. He's good at the relationship for awhile, for which I'm sure she's taking good care of him, emotionally and physically
4. He's good at disappearing, and not just for a day or so but for a month or two
5. he's good at crawling back on his knees if need be...anything to rally up any sympathy on his side
6. He's good at starting the process all over again

Is this emotional or someone who knows exactly what he's doing, either way he needs to be accountable for the pain and hurt he leave behind. These are 6 cons...Vere, be my guest at posting the pros and making comparisons. Maybe this will help you to see things clearly or add anything I might've miss, since I really do not know this guy.

I don’t want to let him comeback just like that (if he does), and to be honest-I love him very much, but I wish I could feel different

If you want to feel differently than you're going to have to let time help you and not see him. Being in love is wonderful...fills the heart and empties the brain etc. but when the someone you're in love with is not being the good steward over that love, it sends shock waves to our self worth.

Maybe the grass does always look greener on the other side of the fence, but someone once observed that it stays greener where you water it and at this point, he's not even spitting on it.

Paris

Maybe the grass does always look greener on the other side of the fence, but someone once observed that it stays greener where you water it and at this point, he's not even spitting on it.
Paris

You hit the nail on the head Paris! She needs to send him packing for good!

Rob, in the context of this poster's problem, I understand where you are coming from. Remember though, we try to think of EVERYTHING that could be the reason for his disappearance.

I don't see that pointing out how sexual guys are, as a negative. Men think about sex much more than women. Here is just one of many surveys that show this:

Sex and the Gender Gap
-----------------------------------Men-------Women

Think about sex every day---70%---- 34

Enjoy sex a "great deal"---- 83------- 59

Women produce testosterone also but not as much as men. It gives us energy as well as our sexual desire. When we get older it is also one of the hormones that sometimes needs to be replaced. My doctor gave me a prescription for testosterone and let me tell you... when I was first on it, I was RAVENOUS FOR SEX!!! :p

So it is entirely possible that without realizing it, the guy gets horny and lonesome and wants his woman back. I think that is entirely plausible.

Whether the poster brought it up or not, we more often than not, see things that the OP's don't see. So I don't think that there is anything wrong with suggesting that the OP consider it.

And you STAY the same person with INTEGRITY that you ARE! OKAY?? :)

Well ...


1. He has a problem with the age gap - he does!!

2. He's good at not committing, even to a friendship - he is good at not commotting to me!

3. He's good at the relationship for awhile, for which I'm sure she's taking good care of him, emotionally and physically - i do!!

4. He's good at disappearing, and not just for a day or so but for a month or two
5. He's good at crawling back on his knees if need be...anything to rally up any sympathy on his side - it usually takes him 1-2 weeks to comeback!

6. He's good at starting the process all over again- he is perfect in doing that!


I don't want to sound rude, but I am opening my eyes now to things I couldn't or didn't want to see before, and you know, what hurts me most the day he left last time was that he asked for a shirt he left at my house, couldn't he wait a day or two? Couldn't he just forget about the shirt? So I gave him the shirt and another one he didn't remember I had.
I am sorry I have to tell you things like that but it is small things that hurt more then a slap on the face..
One day he says I am the women of his life, he was in tears that day we broke up, when he comes back he tells me how awful were the days without me and everything he was doing, anywhere he goes he thinks about me and see my face in front of him...

He confuses me-maybe I don't know my y/m, maybe I was too good to him, I don't know.

Please don't judge me, I need help and at the moment I am very fragile. I want to be able to stop him from coming back and break my heart - again, and hope I can write and tell you guys what I did and feel good about it.

he was in tears that day we broke up, when he comes back he tells me how awful were the days without me and everything he was doing, anywhere he goes he thinks about me and see my face in front of him...

Sounds like my YM :mad: Same crap except that when he finally decided to leave for good (2 months ago, while I was 7 months pregnant) he didn't even give me the benefit of talking to me or telling me why he finally decided to bolt. Instead when I showed up at his house he had his DAD talk to me instead. So I feel your pain and I have a damn good idea of how much it hurts for you right now, and I wish I could say something to make it better. God I wish I could. Hell I am still having nightly 'nightmares' with my YM in them and in my dreams he tells me things like.. hey meet my new GF, I love her more than you, or hey, Im gonna have a baby with this other girl now, but your child is not really mine and I don't love you anymore etc...

So I hope that you are better able to deal with this than I am. It's a harsh truth to swallow when we realize that our men are not necessarily what we thought they would be and it has taken me 2 months now, as well as some harsh criticism here on this site, to accept the fact that men have their reasons for doing things and sadly all we can do is accept that. We don't have to like it, or understand, but we just have to remember, that WE ARE WOMEN and there are plenty of other men out there looking for us, and we just have to remember how to be happy with ourselves again.

Thanks Curly :) enjoy your new baby-how wonderful!!, sorry he is not there for you.

I know time will make it right and i will find happiness somewhere else, but at the moment it looks far away. I am still waiting for the phone to ring, and i know i shouldn't.

One day he told me: "... i wish you were pregnant-it was easier..." god knows why he said that.

Today it is harder then yesterday, i miss him so, i am very down and i know it will not be easy for a while.

I hope with some support here i will be much better.

Thanks :) Although the baby isn't here yet :eek: I got 6 more days till she is given her eviction notice (Thank GOD!)

I personally dread going to bed every night because of the dreams. I understand about waiting for that phone call too... I keep hoping that mine will show up at the hospital next week and fall in love with his daughter. (talk about your most unlikely fanatasy) *sigh* Realistically it aint gonna happen and I am deeply afraid of the post partum depression I know I am going to go thru.

Tell ya what. I'll pray for you and you pray for me and maybe some God/Goddess or Cosmic Creature of Justice, somewhere will hear us, help us heal and MAYBE even send our (ex)YMs their just rewards. :p

I wish I could make your pain disappear too, you don't deserve this and as Curly says, when you get to a better place, you will become more empowered to see that he doesn't deserve you as you WERE the best thing he's ever had.

He confuses me-maybe I don't know my y/m, maybe I was too good to him, I don't know

Hush now, you can never be too good to someone. That's just part of your beautiful personality in the way of showing love to another. Never lose that, I promise there will be a guy who will acknowledge and appreciate this great attribute about you.

In the meantime, do you have friends you can hang out with, go shopping with...take a class, to the library...call someone up and just chit chat about anything. Get a journal, write your feelings, get as raw as you can until you can let it go and be strong again. Of cause, come here often, write what you feel...let us know how we can help you...

Paris

Just remember:

THEY WILL NEVER FIND ANOTHER ONE AS GOOD AS US! ;)

Hi everyone,

It is Friday night, and right now i am going out with few friends to have a drink and forget about my y/m, i had a hard week and i hope tonight will be A nice break for me.

Thank you Paris for your last reply, good luck Curly if you give birth did weekend, you are all helping me so. :)

"I don't understand why women don't understand that, particularly in this age—not in your grandparents' age, but in this age—you can have what you want. You can have exactly your life. You can have your life exactly as you want it."
— Oprah

Oprah also said that considering the empowerment that women have reach to in the last 100 years or so, in this one area (love/men and relationships) we just don't get it.

I agree.


Paris

Paris...will you be my therapist? Or my relationship personal trainer? :)

I dont mean to hijack this thread, but that is SO TRUE (the Oprah quotes).

I think that i dont see it that way. i really DO feel that i'm a strong, independent woman, a good job, my own house, my own interests...but somewhere down inside, i think i'm tired of being alone. i never thought i'd want to live with someone again.

And to the OP, all those who are in love let "them" get away with too much sometimes, IMO. I think its a basic need to want to be loved by someone. I wish i could fight it. I have to get to the end of the thread, and see how your situation is going...

Yeah, theres lots of men out there, but i dont have "the look." (And i do have self-esteem, i'm just stating a fact.) I meet alot of guys at work, because they get to know me. But no one so far to have a serious relationship with. I really wouldnt know where to go to meet a good man.

I think reading posts here will help me realize that my YM is really getting more than he's giving. Sorry for the hijack.

Paris...will you be my therapist? Or my relationship personal trainer?

:D I don't mind giving out advice, although I'm not sure I would be a good therapist...I get too involve with my patients and when they let stubbornness and stupidity get in the way of being exceptional people, that's where I would lose my patience.

Life to me is a matter of using common sense. I'm all for relationships when both partners are pulling their weight in sustaining relationships and making them better. Both partners should be selfless, in what they're giving to themselves and in what they're giving to their partners. Bad behaviour is not selfless, its selfish...its taking the lower ground because you don't want to work on it especially if the other person is giving all she's got anyway...he convinces himself its what she wants to do and she will do it regardless of what he feels or he's done, so why not take advantage of it.

I think someone on here had a quote under their name that said something along the lines of doing the same thing expecting different results. Well, we know it just ain't gonna happen, first you have to change the approach (or your mindset) to get a different result. This is the what needs to happen in this case.

I understand about being alone...I'm alone in a 5 room apartment, but if I dwell on the fact that I'm alone, well you know what, any ym who may not be honourable will see that vulnerablity and take advantage of it. Let's face it, anyone can walk the walk and talk the talk...but what I'm afraid of is that the talk will be b/s and I won't recognize it as b/s because I'm alone in a 5 room apartment. So I choose to dwell more on the fact that I'm well loved by family and friends and any guy that comes along is an added bonus and not someone I can't live without, because I think I've done quite a bang up job so far... by believing in myself first.

Paris

Veredush-

I certainly don't think you should put up with this kind of treatment, but I had a couple of questions:

Is it possible your YM could be suffering from depression? My ex (not a YM) suffered from depression and would go through periods where he would withdraw and want little or no contact with me or anyone else and then periods where he realized he wanted to mend his relationships with me and everyone else. His doctor prsecribed an antidepressant med for him and he did great on that until he didnt think he needed it anymore and stopped taking it. Then the cycle would resume again.

What does your ym do for work? Is he doing well in his job or having similar issues there? What about his friends and family? Any withdrawal issues there?

Is drug abuse a possibility? I also dated a man years ago who, without my knowledge of it, began using drugs and exhibited similar behavior patterns.

I'm just wondering if the issues might be related to something else entirely and not age gap related at all.

What country are you in Veredush?

I understand about being alone...I'm alone in a 5 room apartment, but if I dwell on the fact that I'm alone, well you know what, any ym who may not be honourable will see that vulnerablity and take advantage of it. Let's face it, anyone can walk the walk and talk the talk...but what I'm afraid of is that the talk will be b/s and I won't recognize it as b/s because I'm alone in a 5 room apartment. So I choose to dwell more on the fact that I'm well loved by family and friends and any guy that comes along is an added bonus and not someone I can't live without, because I think I've done quite a bang up job so far... by believing in myself first.

Paris

Great post...again :)

I have actually enjoyed being alone up until i was seeing my YM. I've been alone for about 5 1/2 years.

I just need to figure out...am i wanting him to be here because i love him, or because i see that it would be nice to just have somebody here!

I am very careful not to show any neediness with him, and i have been all along. Its too bad we feel like we have to hide things, but i didnt want to feel like he was taking advantage of me.

Thanks again for your advice.

Veredush - I hope things are going better for you.

And Curly - good luck! :)

Hi there,

First i want to apologize for any spelling mistakes (English is not my language)
I don't know if anyone remembers me, i joined this site few months ago, got so much support for few days and all was ok with me and my y/m, but i didn't use the site for a while and feel sorry for that.
I am 36 d+1 and my (ex) y/m is 23. We broke up last nigh (3rd time now), and it came from him (again). I know he loves me very much, i feel it and he told me so many times, he says he loves me, is crazy about me, thinks about me all day, he told me all the beautiful things we all love to hear from our loved one, I feel great with him, very loved, and I love him just the same!! We have been together for 6 month.
Last night he got cold feet again and we ended up breaking up, I asked him to leave my apartment because I wanted to cry, and didn't want him to see me crying. I feel angry, because I don’t have doubts about us, it is always him. My heart is broken and I want some advice. I miss him already and I know he does, but I also know that I can't let him come and go as he wishes, it kills me when he leaves...

I'm sorry for what you are going through! The problem with dating a VYM is that they are inexperienced and indecisive and often simply don't know what they truly want. Also, his breaking up three times with you, while keeping on telling you how much he loves you, makes me wonder just what is on his mind! Could it be that your age gap bothers him? It's not a big one actually. Or could it be that he wants to play the field? That could be it, in fact, many guys his age do just that! I feel that he's doing some emotional *cycling* here. He is loving you one day, and then he starts to have doubts about the whole thing the next, which eventually lead him to coming back to you with: "I'm sorry but I think we should break up."

I know this is hard for you, really I do. I think the answer here is that he's not really ready to be a full time partner for any woman! I'm sorry. Some guys are simply not ready at this age to be with a woman. Do you really want to force the issue and MAKE HIM HOLD ON to you? Reading between the lines of your post, I can see that even though you are doing the right thing *smile* in making him respect your space and not letting him just walk in and out of your life when he wants to, you miss him bad and I guess that you might even compromise your standards to have him back. DON'T!!!!!!!! Just keep YOUR life on track, your job, your home, and your education! There are too many men out there to let one 23 year old baby make your life miserable. Do whatever you need to do to let go of this VYM emotionally and then get out there and date again!!!!

Hugs

Ali

Hi..

I am at work now, only reading replys, can't wait to get home this evening and write back...(have a lot to say, can't do it here) thanks everybody, see you tonight :)

It is a week now since we broke up and we didn't talk at all. I feel a little bit better, but not enough, I miss him, I cry and my mood shows, but I know that I will never make this move to contact him in anyway-no matter what!!

To you qs Star:

First, I am from Israel, but we all feel the same world wide.
My y/m had his own business up to 5 months ago when he closed it down and now is checking few options, but didn't put up his mind to what he is doing next yet.
The week we broke up, he had an argument with his mother, he says it was nothing to do with me. His parents doesn't know about us (so he says), his old brother does and I met him once at my place. He often meets up with his friends and I don't join him so I do not know what they do or what they are talking about. I know the fact he is not working now, effects him, but I never asked him for any support what so ever. I work and earn my money and get by without his help.
I am thinking about our relationship none stop since he left, and I honestly don't know what to think anymore. For an example: I was reading txt messages he sent me few days before he left, like: I am still with Yohay (his friend), I am crazy about you, or: You are my life, and I think: does he love me? Does he not? I could feel his love, I don't have to tell you-you have to feel it, the way he touched me, the things he told me, the way he looked into my eyes…you can't go wrong, my friends could see that, my family, not only me. So what is it? I believe if love is strong-nothing can take it away from you-you will fight everything-that is what I believe!! And the way he say or do things and then leaves, makes me think he is two people.
I miss him so much, and my evenings & nights are the worst, but I know for sure I've done my best for him and I am not going to try and make him comeback to me.
Paris is so right:
..First you have to change the approach (or your mindset) to get a different result.."
I realized that only after our last break.
It is, and will be hard for me, and I hope to forget all about him.
I loved to love him, i hate to love him now.