ow 25/ym 20

hiya everyone, i live in london and it is so nice to read things like this, as i am not the only one at there that is dating someone younger than me. I met j last year in october 04 it has been a very bumpy ride and i have finished with him a few times during that time, cos listening to other people and family friends saying, what can he offer you and he isnt financially stable etc etc and he is only 20. so i kept on having cold feet. 10 months later we are still together, we do argue a little bit cos sometimes he does silly things that annoy me, i do think that we have a slight trust issue, as you all said going out with the younger girls that are friends of 21 and 22 and feeling old, even thou i am only 25 makes me feel uncomfortable, can anyone tell me, do you ever feel lonely in love because you dont want to scoalise with your ym friends as they want to do different things and do you ever feel bringing your ym out with your friends they may think he is immature, maybe i am just being paranoid. my dad dosent really like j and my brotehr is only 21 and dosent like the sitautuon either. my mum and both grans are fine with it and his family are fine 2. i have so many other issues i just want to talk about, but i feel silly talking about them...can anyone relate to me

like to spk to somone soon

n x

5 yrs is not a big gap, even at your age. Just remember that men tend to mature emotionally alot more slowly than women. Just take it as a normal relationship. There will be ups and downs and you will have to expect that, but when they happen, try not to blame it on age differences. You are both in the same 'generation'. And if you have questions or issues, then ask :)

Oh and your dad and your brother will probably never be happy with whatever guy you pick out at first. It's a natural thing for them, as 1: your dad knows what HE was doing at that age, and 2: you brother probably IS doing those things ;) So take it easy and don't worry too much. Youth is too short to waste on worrying about who likes to go out with who. If you want to take him out with your friends, then do so and don't be embarassed, be proud. He is your boyfriend! If you go out with him just realize that all those younger girls are probably just jealous of what they think you know/have that they dont. Just hold that thought in your mind and enjoy your time out.

The ages are not that big, there are bigger here, believe me. you might have different taste and that's what might be the issue but not much of an age gap.

With your father and brother or friends...if you don't make it an issue they won't make it an issue. As long as you continue to lament about the ages, they won't be comfortable either. In other words misery loves company, so don't invite it. Even if you have to fake it, before long you will find that you've fake it so well you won't even think much about it.

Don't waste your time on this, enjoy this ym company and his worthwhile heart he is offering. Once you find joy in that, those things that annoy you, will just be part of his silliness and his character and it won't matter a twit in the end.

Paris

Thank you so much for your replies, you have both made me feel so much better about it all......... i am trying not to look so much in to the future, i think the bigger picture scares me really cos, i want to get married and have kids and he is definitly not ready...i have alot of problems with a very close friend of mine which i find her to be terribly jelous of my relationship with jamie, she makes it hard for me to bring him out and i am meant to be going out to a pub tonight with the girls, and said can he come along..one of my friends said of course and when i told her, she replied oh...i thought it was a girls night...meanwhile jamie is my boyf and its a pub and lots of people are going to be there, i hardly bring him out wiht my friends, and i make so much time for my mates....why is she like that, i feel that she wants me for herself and hates it when i am happy.......... i feel like having it out with her but i guess i will loose a friendship.........jamie is very threatened by my mates because he feels i am easily influenced which i am, i need to start stuckin up for my self a bit more...they all know my weaknesses i guess.......my best f and another girl keep on tyring to tell me jamie is a nice guy but not for me..why do they like to belittle me like that??? they say u need somone older with money and finacially stable...can anyone help?

i want to get married and have kids and he is definitly not ready...


I think you should focus more on where you two are emotionally and mentally and less on the "age gap." In reality this problem isn't age related. It's where you two are in life. You may find someone who's your exact age and have the same problem or you may meet someone who's older or younger than you who's on the same path as you. Don't focus on the age, b/c that's not the real problem.

Christina

sometimes i do get embarrased to say my boyf is 20....why is that? your very right on saying that i may find a guy who is the same age or older who also wont be on the same path as me.......sometimes i get scared to think that i am gonna be in love with j with no friends cos my friends dont make an effort and his friends are going to clubs and each others houses and i have been there and done that, should i make more of an effort with his mates????? sometimes i feel i too old to be socialing with them...mayb i am just scared cos otherpeople will think what am i doing going out with 20 year olds...i guess im more worried about my future with him and socialing than enjoying myself..i spend more time anxious than anything else...mayb i should enjoy myself a bit more...the problem is me and j do wanna get out ouf our family homes as we are both unhappy at home, so it puts more of a strain on our relationship cos we wanna buy a property and cant afford it at the moment, maybe we need to stay in more together and save

wot is anyones comments? :confused:

i am trying not to look so much in to the future, i think the bigger picture scares me really cos, i want to get married and have kids and he is definitly not ready

I would suggest then to really think this out...he is 20, if he's not ready, he may not be ready until he's your age and then you'll be 30 or 35 to his 30, are you ok with that. Because what tends to happen is that...you don't want to hear what's he's telling you because its nice to have a b/f isn't it. I mean its great to go out with the girls and stuff but for whatever reason we convince ourselves that we don't feel whole unless we're connected at the hip with a man. And once we connect to every area but this marriage and kids thing, we don't go off and find someone who's really on our page (by the way he doesn't have to be older to be financially ready to want a family). We stay in the relationship wasting time and hoping for change...think this out well in advance of where your goal is to be.

Sit down with this ym and really take a look at where he is emotionally, intellectually, economically and socially. ask yourself if there's room for compromising or are you set in a timetable for marriage and kids for which he may not catch up to. who the heck in their right mind would want a wife and kids at 20 or 25 for that matter...but that's just me.

she makes it hard for me to bring him out and i am meant to be going out to a pub tonight with the girls, and said can he come along..one of my friends said of course and when i told her, she replied oh...i thought it was a girls night

There should always be a balance and boundaries...if its a girls night out, then leave it...Jaime should not be invited...it just puts him on the spot, especially knowing that he's a sore spot for these 'friends' and it puts them on the spot to have to entertain him and be nice for which they may not be in the mood to be or they're uncomfortable as of yet. They also may be afraid, moreso than jealous...haven't you ever been dump by a girl who has gotten so into her b/f's butt that nothing esle matters, it hurts, of cause she'll come crying back to you when they break up. This might be their fear. Do they have b/fs? Maybe you could double date with one of them at a time and arrange a more cozier one on one date where they can get to know jaime on a more personal level instead of a rat pack mode. Does Jaime have a guy friend he can bring along for one of your more cool friends. Believe me, most times its not jealousy, it fear of being left behind.

jamie is very threatened by my mates because he feels i am easily influenced which i am, i need to start stuckin up for my self a bit more...they all know my weaknesses i guess

Jaime should have no say in what influences you because your friends could say the same about him. You have to empower yourself to create a balance and boundaries between the two. Yes, you will say no to alot of activities with friends, and you will say no to alot activities with jaime, through all this find time for staying home by yourself and pamper you as you are as important as any of these people.

i feel like having it out with her but i guess i will loose a friendship

And what happens if jaime leaves you within the week, was it worth losing a friend. Sit down with her and talk to her about her comments and really listen, not listen for what you want to hear, but listen to her side of the page and how she views you and your relationship...you might just learn something useful in which to help her deal with your relationship, that is, if you care at all about maintaining the relationship, if you don't...well, ba humbug.

Please understand that your friends may feel like this with any other guy you date, whether he's younger or older. Sometimes people don't know how to wish us well and although I'm an incurable optimist, I believe we can help them to give us what we need, just as we communicate with our b/fs into giving us what we need. Why is it more important to steer and encourage what we want from the men in our life and not the woman, because we're boinking one and not the other, that's kind of lame considering that we go through quite a few men in our lifetime and those friends who matter, at times, see us through it all.

Paris

Everyone goes thru this when they have a serious relationship. When I first got with my husband, all of his friends, male and female, (I was new in town) HATED me, and told him that. They also refused to do things with 'us' together and mainly it was because most of them were single and jealous that he wasn't anymore.

I would suspect the same is happening with your friends. They are jealous of YOU, (not him) and your time with them has been reduced or altered. I think you ought to sit down and have a girl-to-girl chat and find out what the real issue they have is. Also, it is normal for a couple to go thru a period of self-imposed isolation when they first get together and it is normal for the friends on both sides to feel slighted. This will pass.

As for your other issues, it sounds to me like you are 'husband' shopping and have latched onto this boyrfriend as 'the one for you'. Don't get me wrong, he might be, but it is foolish to sit there and spend all your time thinking about or worrying about getting married, having kids etc... If you are not careful, you may drive him away because lets be honest, very few 20 yr old males are looking to get married and settle down AT THAT AGE. They probably have ideas and plans for that 'someday' but not necessarily now. Just relax and enjoy your boyfriend and stop worrying so much about life the universe and everything.

sometimes i do get embarrased to say my boyf is 20

:S I would find that insulting if I were him. My boyfriend is 20 and if I was embarrassed of him I wouldn't be together with him (I am 33).

From reading your posts I get the idea that as the others said, you two have more of an issue with different general interests than with age gap related issues.

My ex was only 3 years older than I was and he and I had completely different friends because he grew up in a secure family in the burbs and went to university and was an introvert, whereas I grew up in poverty and then lived on my own since 17 and made a lot of bad choices, finally graduated high school and am an extrovert.

Our whole views of the world were completely different. Even if we were raised in the same home we'd be different. It sounds like you are more afraid of having to take the lead in making a life for yourself. I say, do it, with or without him, and you'll be thanking yourself later :)

thank you for your advice, me and jamie have lots in common, we are so much alike, he knows what i am thinking, i actaully went out with jamie and my friend kt last night and had a really nice eve, we went to a pub the only thing is when i look around when i am out and make any eye contact with another man he gets very jealous....is that cos he dosent trust me and he is insecure, how do i make him trust me and be soo secure with me??? i just want him to be chilled with me...sometimes i feel i cant talk to antoher man without him feeling i am cheating on him, i guess i told jamie too mcuh about my past and that i used to play around with men and chuck them.....

i lvoe jamie and i think we will make our next step soon too live together, i will feel alot happier..i hate living at home with my mum and dad, who make it clear that he is a lovely guy but not for me, they say meet a man with money it helps and it pays the bills, i see it that jamie will be successfull in time, he is very ambtious

any ideas?

All 'new' guys get jealous if you look at other men when out with them. Do you like it when he checks out some babe in the pub when you are with him?? Eventually the insecurity will pass (hopefully) on both your parts and it wont matter anymore. Like with me and my husband, for the longest time (till last year of course) it was.. hey look all you want... I know who you are going home with ;)

As for the family and the 'find a man with money' tell them to piss off. If money is your motivating force then you wouldn't worry at all about the things you have mentioned here. Yeah its nice to have a guy already with money, but usually when you first hook up he wont have alot yet, specially when they are in their early 20s. My husband when we were married at the ages of 23, was still in school, had a part time job that paid 7$ an hour... I did not marry him for his money... Yet now, 9 years later, he now makes almost 60k a year, we have a big house, nice car, lots of 'stuff'. So tell the family to stuff it. If ya can't be with a person because of their income, then you can't be with them at all. (I tried to explain all this to my YM, but that was one of his 'reasons' for leaving me... "I cant give you a nice house and stuff for a long time" Like I cared about that... but anyway I digress lol!

Good luck to you though, whether it is with or without your guy. :)