Rebound- Dumb idea?

I have been with a YM that i met at work for 7-months now. Initially he pursued me, not knowing age difference. He had a GF at the time (3yrs), but after fighting off the mutual tension for a couple months, we hooked up about 3 times knowing that it was just for fun; he said he was committed to his GF and sorry to have behaved badly, so we stopped for about a month and i figured it was fine with me.

Well his GF later broke up with him and he was devastated. She left him for solely financial reasons, thought he did not have career potential and she resented being the breadwinner. (She actually makes less money but had family money in her savings accout).

Acting as the consoler, we ended up together. I changed positions and transferred to another office (with promotion) so Co-worker issue no longer a problem.

But....

He has been clear about not being ready for relationship. Very honest. He is 29 I am 38, though I still occasionally get carded and look young for my age.

We hang out a lot, sleep together, go clubbing, movies etc...sometimes alone, sometimes with his friends (about 6 great guys). He is very close to his friends.

Anyway. I mentally tell myself not to get attached. But should I just end it?

Last weekend we went to a club. It was too crowded to dance. As we stood there a girl started talking to him. She spoke to him twice, but they did not dance etc. Later I saw his friend hi-five him about it. I can't help but feel jealous.

But if i am jealous he gets very annoyed. Says that he is not ready for realtionship, but not to worry he is not trying to hook-up with anyone else and would not. I say go ahead and go out without me, because I'm sorry I can't see that and not feel bad even if I trust him.

I guess it is because he is not affectionate and can not reassure me. I think because he does not want to lead me down that path.... ie. PDA = relationship.

He is only affectionate when we are alone and sometimes chooses to play basketball with friends rather than see me (which i am okay with, but surprised guys would give up sex for sports-- since we live about 45 minutes apart and are not together that frequently). When we hook up we have great chemistry (awesome sex), and he makes real effort to spend time with me--movies etc., but I feel I might get too attached unless I stop seeing him soon.

Any thoughts?

For a 38 year old woman, you're acting very childish.

Grow up, don't encourage men in committed relationships to be unfaithful, and maybe seek some counseling along the way to figure out why you would end up in a situation like this to begin with.

I would follow your gut instinct (to flee, it sounds like) and protect yourself here. He's very clear in that he doesn't want a relationship. Stop being his booty call. You CAN do better.

Good luck.
~phos

Well, I am going to take a different approach.

It sounds like you have a good time together when you are together....and that he does make a genuine effort to spend time with you, etc.

However, you say he has been really clear that he is not ready for a relationship, so unless what you are wanting is a friend with benefits type situation.....and that is something you can handle with a minimal amount of distress, I would say it's time to back off.

If, over time you develop feelings for him (and I think maybe you already have?), and you want something more, he may not want anything more and you won't hardly have the right to be upset...being as he has been so clear about it.

So I definitely would assume he is being totally honest about not being ready for a relationship, and decide if that is something that you are okay with...and go on from there.

Also, something to take into consideration....he was cheating on his girlfriend when he was first with you, so even though he says he is not going to see someone else, etc.....well you know, right? :o Even though you may not realize it, this could be contributing to your jealousy issues.

I realize i am being irrational. But would like to point out that I did not pursue this guy at all.

He said it was crazy, but he was very attracted to me and after a few months of that I abandoned my rational self. But we have strong physical attachment. Still do and that is the problem.

Would point out that we ended it pretty fast and completely. His ex. never found out, but broke up with him in a very cold and vicious manner about money.

Really told him he just did not make enough money and that she never thought he would, so she would be looking for someone more successful. She then refused to pay debts she owed him for furniture etc. and left with everything of value, cameras etc....

I encouraged him to reenroll in college and finish his last year and he is doing so.

I have a master's degree and professional job and believe he will do well with some support instead of criticism.

Still think I should end it, but I will miss all the fun. We don't just do booty.

****If, over time you develop feelings for him (and I think maybe you already have?), and you want something more, he may not want anything more and you won't hardly have the right to be upset...being as he has been so clear about it.

So I definitely would assume he is being totally honest about not being ready for a relationship, and decide if that is something that you are okay with...and go on from there.****

Thanks. This is exactly the discussion I have with myself. I can't blame him at all.

myp,

It sounds like you already have some answers; its just a pain acting on them huh? I feel for you because I know its so hard to give up the comfort and excitement of a lover, and the hope that it could be more.

Whatever his issues are with committment, they're not yours and you don't need to be taking them onboard. This is a guy who can't stay faithful to woman, and can't commit to his lover....not someone in whom you want to invest your precious heart.

There are some really great guys out there. I think the key to finding love these days ilies in not trying to understand & change the guys who disappoint us, but to wait patiently for the gems to come along; to stay strong in your faith that they exist.

There are some really great guys out there. I think the key to finding love these days ilies in not trying to understand & change the guys who disappoint us, but to wait patiently for the gems to come along; to stay strong in your faith that they exist.

Absolutely agree...after all there's really no one that's to die for, and the ones who think so are absolutely off their rockers, so why waste your time when another guy could be just around the corner. Give yourself a break and be available for him.

Paris

Bella D-
I really like what you said about not trying to change a guy. Pretty well sums everything up in my opinion. Gosh, if we just used that simple phrase to live by...spare a lot of hurt feelings.

K

Public Displays of Affection = Relationship? Huh? This makes absolutely no sense. ANY DISPLAY of affection means a relationship of some sort and I think this is where he is really giving you mixed messages. He says he is not interested in a relationship at this time but is willing to sleep with you; I would find this confusing too. I think the two of you need to have a real heart to heart and decide what this relationship is. Then both of you need to behave accordingly. If what it is is a friendship with benefits then you pretty well have to accept his present behavior. If its more, then you are owed some public affection. Geez, I can commisurate with you! :(

I am in a different situation with my ym, but I share the dilemma that his friends don't know how involved we really are. As we look toward the months to come, we are planning some get togethers that will have to involve his friends. They are going to have to know. His best friend has been told, but he is sooo ADD there is a real question about whether he really absorbed the information. This is sooo important to me. The difference with us is we are absolutely on the same page and trying to figure out how its going to happen. I just cannot advocate more for communication about these relationship things! :eek: