Feeling like a bank

My husband (21) and I (30) have a few major issues. My issue is trust, his is financial responsibility. Over the course of a year (five months of unemployment on his end), he has had four different jobs. He currently works as a waiter in a well-known five star hotel. In a country like Jordan, the hours are long and the money is very, very low..around 300US/mo. Rent alone is 500US/mo. and we currently don't live together. I am a teacher in Saudi and I still have another year left on my contract. We were using this time to get our financial situation in order, but its feeling impossible.

I'm feeling very tired and frustrated with the amount I am needing to give financially. In the past, he has taken money from me for one thing (ie. rent or food) and used it to pay off a debt he owed or bought DVDs because he was 'bored' at night while he was unemployed! :eek: When I got upset about this he was angry and said that he never would have taken the money if he knew that I would get upset. It seems to me that if you ask for money for a specific reason, you should use it for that reason. When he borrowed for rent and then used it to pay off a loan, he still had the issue of 'how to cover rent'. Stupidly, I gave him another chance with sending him money and he loaned half of it to a friend who promised to pay him back in time for 'rent payment day'. Well, that never happened and again the rent needed to be paid. I was furious and just felt stupid and used. When I voiced my frustration, he said that all I cared about was money and that I talked about it all the time. That was when I felt that I couldn't trust him with money.

Despite that, I did share medical bills with his family when he was admitted to the hospital. I honestly just wanted to get started on our 'life' and I felt like I could not get off of square one. Once he got out of the hospital, he did find a job, but left it. Then another, that he left, then another, that he was fired from, then his current job. Each time, i've had to come up with job requirement costs. Before this current job, I made it very clear that this was it. If he left this job or got fired from it, I would not help him start up again. In addition, I needed some kind of agreement as to what he would be financially responsible for. I understand that his wages are low, but I just don't want to carry him like this. I can't respect someone who uses what little he makes on things he doesn't need (cigarettes) and then takes from his wife, mother and sisters for the things he needs (rent, food, phone bills) and secretly some things that he doesn't need (DVD players, videos).

We agreed on how much I would share on rent and he would cover the rest as well as his food, phone and transportation. Its been three weeks since we made this agreement, and he is due to send his share of the rent in a few days. I really don't know if he'll follow through. I'm scared he's gonna mess up as he has in the past.

Has anyone had a similiar financial responsibility/trust issue with their YM? Any constructive advice? :confused:

Has anyone had a similiar financial responsibility/trust issue with their YM?

Nope. But I did with my ex-OM. :P

In any case, as for constructive advice...this is a tough one. There will be advice coming along that will aim at the symptoms, and maybe some advice that will aim at the underlying problem. Practical solutions can help temporarily, but this is clearly a pattern with your YM and if things are EVER to work, he will have to deal with what's causing him to act like this eventually or else.

I must say...and this may be hard to hear...one of the first things to do is stop enabling him.

You aren't in a spot (like I was with my ex-h) where if you don't pay it will affect your own living situation. This boy needs to learn to take responsibility for himself and the only way he will is if he has to. There are certain types of therapy/counseling/seminars that could snap him out of this game, but I fear it will be hard to get him to do anything like that. People who think they're getting what they want will fight changing any of it. So your first move should be to remove the rewards for this awful behavior.

Sorry you have to deal with this. I got rid of my ex because of his slacker ways and misspending habits. I didn't give him money, but it amounted to such because he would never pay the bills before buying some toy or other. I am SOOOOO glad I don't have to deal with that BS anymore!

Best wishes, and welcome to ageless. :)

Hope,
Yeah, I've been through a similar stage in my relationship with Stu, my fiance.....absolutely!

Its strange, looking back I think the problem was that I wasn't happy in my job. I felt trapped, like I couldn't give it up because of our dependence on my income....and it was sucking the life out of me. I used to take it out on Stu.....like getting frustrated with him for not having a decent income so that I could quit my job....which, in hindsight, wasn't fair or rational.

Over the last 12 months, I made some changes and I'm happier and much more chilled out. I haven't had one of those irrational PMS fight with Stu in quite a while, which is a big relief for Stu hehe:))

Could this perhaps have anything to do with it, or are you more worried about getting out of Jordan?

Hope, I'm sorry you are going through this. I know what the stress feels like of having a dishonest SO who spends money in ways you have not agreed, leaving you two strapped financially. My ex OM husband had secret credit cards, and secret mailing addresses where those cards could send his statements so I wouldn't ever find out. His spending without telling me was out of control for 10 years, and virtually destroyed our marriage (it escalated over the years and eventually he even forged checks on my account and stole $100's of personal cash I had in a drawer).

Everyone always thinks infidelity is the major destroyer of marriages....but I read (and KNOW through experience) that it's financial trouble/distrust that wages a greater war on intimacy in many respects. There's the lack of trust in the offending partner (the spender), the fear of being perpetually broke/going bankrupt (causing deep insecurities about your very viability to live/survive/ eat, etc.).

His obsessive, selfish, secret spending habits were the base of our divorce.

AND...I also know what it feels like to "share" expenses with a ym you love, who eventually begins to take your "half" for granted and abuses the system to meet his own needs/wants, etc.
Immaturity sucks, and it sounds like you have a major dose of it in your young husband. He sounds very self-needs-focused, almost narcissistic without regarding your need for truth and gratitude, etc.

If you were not married, I would say to walk away and find someone with a greater sense of respect for what you bring to the collective purse....one who is driven to carry his half by remaining gainfully employed and contributing as much as possible to your financial needs as a couple.
But, since you ARE married, I suggest counseling....and soon. This is a pattern that-believe me- does not go away. It only increases with time, and you need to nip it now if you hope to regain the mutual respect and love for one another that is essential for the long haul.
I truly hope the best for you...do not let him make excuses or redirections for his misuse of money in the future; and set counseling as a priority that you expect him to be a part of .

This seems to be a very big issue in AGR's. It's the one constant thing I've seen happening over & over.

Thanks so much for the replies to my original message. Its a little embarrassing to be in this situation, and I appreciate the fact that no one in this community has judged me or given hurtful comments.

As far as my situation goes, I'm just waiting to see if he gives me his share of the rent this week. In the past, some kind of 'emergency' has always come up that made it 'impossible' for him to contribute. In fact, it usually involved me covering the 'emergency' as well as our normal costs of living.

Its difficult to stay strong and insist on what he owes in the light of his financial situation. Seeing the gap between what he makes and what is needed to stay afloat (rent, food, transportation, phone) makes it difficult to not 'enable' him or allow excuses when something like injuries or special occasions (sister's wedding, holidays) come up that require extra money. The reasons usually sound reasonable, but the pattern is making our marriage a nightmare.

I really hope we can find a reasonable solution to this problem. I do love him, but this situation and the way he always has an excuse is beginning to seem almost pathological. When I first began to see the pattern, I labeled it as immaturity and a lack of life experience/family raising issues, but now I don't know.

Quote: excuse is beginning to seem almost pathological. Hey, the more you make excuses, the better you get at it!! ;)

Frustrating, isn't it? I was just there last month !!

I was paying for everything while my ym kept having "emergencies" ......come to find out, his emergencies were going out w/friends, eating out, movies, clothes for him, etc. .......all this while I was paying all the bills.

Several times, we came up with several different solutions .....he would give ME money every month and I would handle the bills .........that never happened, so then he would just be responsible for paying the utilities .....that never happened .........it just never happened !!

I hope things work out for you and that your ym follows through this time .....if he doesn't ............stop sending him money and see if he steps up to take care of it himself.

well i have had the same sort of situation with my man, i dont live with im yet but thinking about it,, and we are trying to save but then he does stupid things and goes out with his mates for dinners, goes to clubs, goes on holiday, and he gets himself im to debt, i said to him either he can sort his debt out and want the same things as i do, or he can move on, i want to be going the same direction as him, he says he wants to but he is only 20 my ym and does he really know what he wants? or just he just say the things i wanna hear cos he is scared of loosing me.......i would tell urhusbandto either sort himself out and stop spending ur money and pay some bills or its over, simple as that, otherwise he will conrtinue to walk over u, what happens if u want a child together...will he be selfish then?

Do u find it immaturity cos he is only 21 and dosent know any better? you have to sit him down and express ur concerns about ur marriage........he obviously dosent care too much cos ur upset and hurt and if he loved u, he wouldnt do what he is doing...

Just getting around to answering this. Boy does it hit home. My YM calls it the "mooch factor" and I think he really tries not to go there, but, when they make so much less than we do, it happens. :( I have decided not to let it bother me as long as what he contributes financially to the relationship is in proportion to his income. Right now he is between jobs...lol....so that would be zero, but we live half a continent apart, so the issue isn't right under my nose. He also has a decent track record with employment, so it makes it easier for me to accept that this is temporary. Nevertheless, it is an issue.

I am interested that you do not live together and it occurred to me that this could be a factor in this dilemma. Is this a marriage that is not sanctioned by his family/culture? Might have a huge impact on how he views his responsibility toward you. Having asked that, I would agree with you whole heartedly, that he should spend the money you give him on whatever he has requested it for. That is only fair! :eek:

I am interested that you do not live together and it occurred to me that this could be a factor in this dilemma. Is this a marriage that is not sanctioned by his family/culture? Might have a huge impact on how he views his responsibility toward you.

I've given this some thought and I think you have a point. When we were first married, his father was furious because I wasn't muslim. His mother was also concerned, but I'm not sure what her issues of concern were. However, his father was like, "You are on your own. If you think your old enough to marry then you're old enough to live independant of your family's support." I agree with his father on that. What kills me is the fact that his father wants to know why my ym doesn't send a portion of his salary to him like his older brothers do. He hasn't lived in his family's home for a while and his father is still asking for rent. Also, they expect him to contribute financially when a family member is in the hospital or having a financial emergency. My ym knows he can't afford it, and he knows that he needs to share the load WE carry, but he hates being the 'loser' son who can't bring home presents for the little nephews or the son who can't help financially when a member is sick or in a bind. His family knows that he can't do it, but they still want to know where his 'share' is. Instead of sitting down with them and showing them his financial responsibilites to our marriage and explaining that our relationship comes first, he pressures me to send the in-laws money or he borrows from others to meet family/cultural expectations. When its time to get our stuff done, he can't because he's borrowed himself into the ground and not only needs rent, food and transportation help, but he needs help paying off his debts. Alot of the time, he borrows for things that aren't bad (like family stuff) but they shouldn't take precedent over what we are trying to build.

Why can't he just tell them that his marriage/provider responsibilities come first and he just can't contribute to the family the way his 'richer' brothers can? I know. He doesn't want to look like the loser son, but....ya know?!

AND his family just pisses me off. They invite me to their house, smile in my face, tell me they love me and are now happy that I'm in the family, that I'm a 'good girl', but then they put my husband in a position where he must choose between his responsibilities to me or 'responsibilities' to them. AHHH!

This family finance-sucking thing is on top of his propensity to spend or borrow on things that are just UNNECESSARY!! I just want to start building, and he says he wants that too, but when its time to walk his talk, he folds.

Man I hope it gets better.

That explains a lot Hope. Let me join you in saying "ARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!" My YM also contributes to his family's income. They were immigrants from Central America and he is the only male child and the youngest. I'm doomed...lol. His mother doesn't even speak English. But we can take solace in the idea that despite these obstacles our young men chose us and connect with us on a level that makes them choose to battle the family pressures, as impossible as they are.

I don't have the answer for you, but I am also curious as to why you don't live together. If the problem is that because of your profession and religion it would be publicly detrimental, then my heart goes out to you. You are really between a rock and a hard place! :( If these are not factors then I would say live together as man and wife and maybe the family and your YM will start to view this marriage differently. Its kind of that old 'self fulfilling prophecy" thing. It will save you both some money and send a very different message to his world.

Hope, I am a firm believer that most people when faced with problems already know the solution to their problems. They either just need to hear it from others to confirm what they already know they have to do or they're hoping for some solution that they have somehow overlooked or just didn't know about. Your husband comes from a culture that has very different values than our western culture. If he tries to straddle the fence, you will always have conflict. If he picks yours over his, he will most likely be disowned or cut-off from his family. If he picks his family, then there will always be conflict with you. My background is in anthropology and your husband is bi-cultural, in between two different cultures. This is a tough spot to be in and always leads to conflict. I was in the same position being born into a traditional Mexican family. When I chose to be educated and married outside of my culture and religion, I was cut-off from my extended family. Thank God my mother and siblings stuck with me. Eventually, my grandmother who always adored me, came around and finally accepted my husband. But, the other relatives, aunts, uncles, counsins, never did. As regards the financial irresponsibility of your husband, I doubt that has all that much to do with his culture. Another words, if he didn't have the family obligations he has, would he still be financially irresponsible, or would he be the mature and wise individual that you hope is in there somewhere. Think long and hard on what is just situational and environmental. Where will you live and how will things change when you live together? You could be jumping into the fire from the frying pan. Before you go live with him in his country be fully aware of your rights or lack of before putting yourself into that situation. Hope, please don't let love blind you to the truth in your situation. Many years ago, I was in love with a 19 year old who knew just what to say to me to get me to give him money. The last time I saw him was when I gave him money to buy a car. I feel so stupid and silly now not to mention embarrassed about my expectations. I thought he loved me. Be realistic about your situation, I'm sorry to say, but I am not a believer in love conquers all. My best wishes that all turns out well in your situation.