What do you excuse because of youth in your partner?

I would be very interested in everyone's ideas on this topic. Do you think that very young partners, say 18-23 yo should be given any leniency in terms of an Older partner's expectations of them? If so, what areas of your relationship do you consider flexible due to age, and which are inflexible?

Regardless of age one should expect a sense of responsibility (sharing the load), honesty, respect, compassion and sensitivity. I'm no expert, but it seems that at any age, these expectations are a manifestation of the 'love' declared.

With my ym, I've found that if he biffs it in one of these areas (e.g. taking things out of the fridge and not putting them away) I need to find a way to explain my expectation concerning this issue without sounding like I'm his mother. I usually wait until he is not focused on something important and we're just chillin' and use a lead-in phrase like "Baby, I was cleaning today and xyz was all out on the table. I felt kinda disrespected, like I'm the maid or something. Could you put the xyz away when your done?" It worked on the fridge stuff and its slowly working on dirty clothes as well. You're probably looking for deeper issues, but I find that its the little everyday things that really add up. They're young and may not know what we expect like an older guy with more mature relationship experience may.

We need patience, sensitivity and a good sense of when the best time to bring up the issue is.

I've known my guy online since he was 17. Well, my guy was 18 when we decided to meet, 19 when we finally met and 20 now after we've been together for 10 months.

We are in a long distance relationship so a lot of what will apply to others may not apply to me at this point.

When we are together it's only for two weeks at a time so he goes out of his way to do things for me and take care of me, set the table and make my breakfast, clean up and take me out, spending money on me.

If we lived together that would all change because he has no job, lives with his grandmother for free and his mother comes over every day to do his laundry and buy groceries for him.

It's going to be a long time before he outgrows the expectations of being cared for, if he ever does, so I'm realistically expecting to deal with that challenge when we are finally together.

Also, due to his inexperience with people, work and having to compromise, he has a lot of stubborned ideas that aren't going to get him far in life. I try to let it ride and just enjoy being together with him but sometimes I have to speak up and tell him that his attitude is going to be a source for much grief when he has to look after himself.

I don't think age as much as experience will help him out there. I guess they go hand in hand.

He's really a wonderful man, I just wish he wasn't so scared to be more responsible for himself. I know it's not easy, I was there when I was 17 and I'm there now at 33 again.

I just sent out my first resumé to a mortgage broker after a friend put a good word in for me.

To summarize, I excuse ignorance and lack of responsibility because I know he'll learn in his own time as necessity dictates.

I would be very interested in everyone's ideas on this topic. Do you think that very young partners, say 18-23 yo should be given any leniency in terms of an Older partner's expectations of them? If so, what areas of your relationship do you consider flexible due to age, and which are inflexible?

LOL...I don't excuse anything..I hold him accountable for everything..particularly innate personality traits. If I could think of one thing I would let pass...it would probably be the intent of certain things he does...often I feel the "intent" is there...when on his part..it was just "not knowing"...but that's about it...not much leniency from me..I've been through way to much in life to raise another child at this point..I expect total responsiblity from my partner..the same thing he expects from me.

I asked my OM if there was anything he excused in me because of my age....and he couldn't come up with any.

I would hope there wasn't any...I think that if there's something I'm not doing right...or something like that....that he would just tell me....the same as I would do for him.

I don't excuse things because he's older. :)

Nadine.

I excuse that he would rather watch cartoons than Good Morning America. :)

To me it has nothing to do with age. You find older guys (and women) who leave dirty clothes, shoes and dirty dishes everywhere. You find people of all ages who cannot handle anger and frustration and who rather watch cartoons. Same could be said with managing a budget or helping out with house chores.

To me tolerance has to do more with the give and take of every relationship. There has to be a balance. If I am showered with love and affection I can certainly do more than my half of housekeeping and sitting and watchin a football game (which I hate). Also it has to do with how he responds to my requests for help around the house or when I want to do something I like and he does not particularly cares for. If he is not selfish I am apt to be more generous too.

I am in a LDR and when we are together the last thing I want is to fight over that stuff.

I don't have a young boyfriend right now and my ex ym was only 6 years younger. However there has been mutual attraction between young men and myself during the past year and I tend to think about it this way:

I remember when I was young and remember my friends when they were young and realise how much we have changed. So when I interact with young men, I totally respect their age and perfectly understand that they act their age, otherwise I would have dumped the idea of considering the possibility of being with a young man and would have preferred to be surrounded by men who are my own age.

This is something I've said here before, if I go to a Korean restaurant expecting to have Italian food, I'd spare myself the frustration and go straight to an Italian restaurant instead.

The hard part of it all is that I would like to think long-term in any possible relationship but I do keep in mind that the risk involved with a young man is that he might change his mind as years pass. He might not find me attractive anymore or he might want to have biological children. I try to remain open for the possibility of having to let go with understanding and serenity. Easier said than done of course.

Am I making sense ?

Probably the only things my OM excuses me from is paying for our dates b/c of my age/student status. I think it is a nice thing for him to do.

Are you all telling me when you were 21 and a full time student that you were rolling in the dough??

LOL, shame on me In Your Eyes, when I was 21 I used earn more than my father and the older I got, the less I earned

I've had some glorious days looooong time ago :D

LOL, shame on me In Your Eyes, when I was 21 I used earn more than my father and the older I got, the less I earned

I've had some glorious days looooong time ago :D


That's great for you, but I am not going to feel guility about not having a lot of money b/c right now my education is my priority. Next year it will be different. I am not a mooch this is temporary situation and I am beyond thankful when my parents or boyfriend give me things that I could never afford on my own.

My guy is 20 and I'm 31 and there are times when you can tell he's only 20 but that can also be very sweet.Especially when you can recall the times and things you said and done when you were 20.

There are times when I have to speak my mind because he sees things a bit naive.I let him make his own mistakes but still feel that sometimes I have to guide him.

And there are other sides to him that makes him act like for example a 38 year old guy.He's so honest about his feelings that sometimes he can surprise me by things he's saying.For a 20 year old he sure knows how to make a girl feel good about herself,loved,respected and wanted.

I think respect,tolerance,honesty etc has got nothing to do with age.It's just there or isn't.

I'm fully aware of the risk involved with being with a younger man.I still have a problem with being with someone who's 11 years younger.I would like to have kids in a few years time(I haven't got any)and he does know that even though we haven't discussed it seriously.But I'm so scrared that when it comes to that point that he's going to run like hell.I know that if I was 18,having childeren isn't something that is brought up very soon because why should you if you've got I don't know how many years ahead.But for me the time is ticking.

We have a long distance relationship and he works in the tourist industry which means that he lives with his parents for 6 months and 6 months he shares a room with colleagues.So no ideal situation.He does know how to take care of himself(wash,iron etc)but I have no idea how things will go when we're finally together.

So Charlotte,I can relate to your situation.

I don't have a young boyfriend right now and my ex ym was only 6 years younger. However there has been mutual attraction between young men and myself during the past year and I tend to think about it this way:

I remember when I was young and remember my friends when they were young and realise how much we have changed. So when I interact with young men, I totally respect their age and perfectly understand that they act their age, otherwise I would have dumped the idea of considering the possibility of being with a young man and would have preferred to be surrounded by men who are my own age.

This is something I've said here before, if I go to a Korean restaurant expecting to have Italian food, I'd spare myself the frustration and go straight to an Italian restaurant instead.

The hard part of it all is that I would like to think long-term in any possible relationship but I do keep in mind that the risk involved with a young man is that he might change his mind as years pass. He might not find me attractive anymore or he might want to have biological children. I try to remain open for the possibility of having to let go with understanding and serenity. Easier said than done of course.

Am I making sense ?

Yep...makes perfect sense to me Loucine...adding that..you may decide that you don't find him attractive anymore for whatever reason and he also needs to leave himself open to the same possibility, just like in any other non age gap relationship, that you might change your mind. :) ;)

I used to excuse more out of his problems than his age but now I don't do either. I hold him accountable for everything too. If he does something stupid, I'm going to call him on it. If he says something that hurts my feelings or is totally uncompassionate I chew him a new one.

I find having too many expectations at all is a MAJOR cause of rifts and problems. And when I eliminate "expectations," I'm very rarely disappointed.

I do not "expect" my YM to be on the same level financially, emotionally, educationally or anything else. I expect him to fall on his face a few times and learn from his mistakes. I do not make decisions for him or excuses for him. He is his own man. I will advise him, if he asks and I don't get pissed if he does his own thing anyway.

Expectations, in and of themselves, lead to more disappointment and anxiety than they are worth.

Of course, with all that said, if he were the type of person who was incapable of living a complimentary lifestyle to mine (as in, similar views on the world, how to maintain a home, how to discipline kids, etc., etc..) we wouldn't have made it a week, let alone a year and a half. LOL.

But, I didn't expect him to BE complimentary... all I did was hope it would work out and if it didn't, it didn't... I never expected it to and I just want him to be him and happy and happy with me ~ I'll leave the expectations out of the equation. I've learned from my past "expectation equations" that they don't work.

Either you compliment each other or you don't.

~phos

I agree with Sheila4Pd. You really can't predict how a person at 18, 19, or even 20 will mature. Slovenly habits may never disappear, We all hope and wish that irresponsibility is something that young people will grow out of but we all know many will not. As a high school teacher, I can already spot teenagers who are without a doubt going to be responsible adults because they are responsible now. On the other hand, just because they are irresponsible now does not mean they will continue to be so. My S/O was very financially irresponsible in his early 20's. He even had to move back in with his parents. Thank God, his mother took control of his finances, got him out of debt, helped him buy his own place, and now he is very responsible in all ways. That's the gamble you take with a young man just out of his teens--he's likely not who he's going to be yet.

I let him laugh at his own burps & sleep late. I just roll my eyes after he burps, & I tease him affectionately about how he sleeps as much as my children do, & that he'll probably outgrow these types of behaviors.

Other than behaviors like this, he is amazingly responsible, goal oriented & respectful, which are the important things as the rest of you have posted as well.

My OM at times enjoys what he calls my "innocence." But that mostly has to do with my personality. I lack focus, I don't understand people, their motives, their ideas, etc. I also just don't notice a lot that goes on in the world. I went to my OM's garage in his apartment building five times before I ever noticed the dumpsters right off to the side of the entrance... and it wasn't until we had to throw something away that I saw them. I forget where I park all the time and wander around the lot until I find it. I lose stuff, forget stuff, but that's who I am not an age issue. I mean, he forgets stuff too. But that's because he's old. ;)

Just kidding. :D

My OM at times enjoys what he calls my "innocence." But that mostly has to do with my personality. I lack focus, I don't understand people, their motives, their ideas, etc. I also just don't notice a lot that goes on in the world. I went to my OM's garage in his apartment building five times before I ever noticed the dumpsters right off to the side of the entrance... and it wasn't until we had to throw something away that I saw them. I forget where I park all the time and wander around the lot until I find it. I lose stuff, forget stuff, but that's who I am not an age issue. I mean, he forgets stuff too. But that's because he's old. ;)

Just kidding. :D

I agree Redskirt....I'm 47 and all of the things you just mentioned happen to me on a regular basis...lol so has nothing to do with age....cos that's how I've always been..and probably always will be. :D

My YM was 23 when I met him (just barely) and he's now well into 27. He's matured dramatically in those 4+ years. I tolerated a lot back then that I wouldn't now....because life experience is just that, and you don't have a lot when you're in your late teens or early 20's.

When I met him, he seemed like a boy. Now, he seems like a man.

I still eat Froot Loops, watch cartoons, and drink straight from the milk jug, so I'm not in any position to snark on the maturity level of my ym. :D

I don't think I have anything to excuse Joel for... he and me are at the same level when it comes to most things... I may have some more experionce in some things, but he has a good head on his shoulders... :D

Well, he's 25 going on 26 now, so it''s not as much of an issue, but when we started, he was 19 1/2 and yes, I gave him a lot of flexibility. Mostly about long-term plans, because I honestly thought that he was so good and caring and mature that he might feel locked in to stuff he had said even though he wanted and needed to change his mind. So I told him I was taking a lot of what he said with a grain of salt.

When we went to Chicago for a year (and then back to the Bay Area as it turned out, that was the mind change I was figuring on) - I gave up much more of "my life", then I probably would have for an older guy, because I believed his education was important and needed to be prioritized as you can only do it once and I didn't want him making any geographic sacrifices for me.

I'm not sure that I would have made that choice for anybody over 30, for sure.

Hi all I'm new here and I saw this so I thought I would post.

I feel that age shouldn't matter at all. I would want to be held in the same light as a older man. I'm 24 and when I was with my ex-gf we split everything right down the middle. I should get the heat when I do something wrong, that way I know what I need to do.

If you're smart, you don't excuse a dang thing.


I had an English degree and don't expect to make major money with it ever. My ex, who is now 23, is such a total player that I expect him to play himself into millionaire status by the time he's 33. I'm not kidding you in the least.
But I won't be around to see it!

Ali

I am very curious about how I will be feeling regarding the topic of this thread in a couple of months. My YM and I are moving in together and i am a little scared.. He has been taken care of by ultra-domineering mum all his life, told repeatedly how useless he is ("come, let me do that, you can't do it!"), so I guess this is not going to be easy... He really wants to be independant though and the only reason he waited so long to move out was that he was buying his appartment and only now it is ready for ocupation. Instead of moving there though, he is moving in with me for a while (I am leaving the country next december) so we can enjoy this time together.

I believe some things can be excused due to lack of experience THE FIRST TIME AROUND and a compromise can always be reached. If the offenses become repetitive, then it is another story. Life is stressful sometimes and we do not need to have a (nother) kid in our lives that needs to be told again and again how basic stuff is handled!

As was told here many times, age and maturity don't go together sometimes, but other times do. If he is immature and wants to be with a sexy OW that adores him, he has two choices: grow up or else :)

Let's see if i sound so self-assured in one month! :D
Maria