I'm Too Old

Well, i dont really feel it, or act it... but i guess its the reason i cant have a REAL relationship with my "S/O".

I'm 46 ... the guy i'm seeing is 27. It was friendship, and then sexual, and now its both, and i'm getting more feelings for him.

We had a talk last nite, and he said he REALLY wants a relationship with someone closer to his age...he wants to have kids eventually...etc.

So, i guess i go on with it until i either get TOO deep of feelings, or am able to distance myself enough to just enjoy him, and the fun we have. We have ALOT of fun together.

He didnt end it or anything...it was just a talk that came up...because i said that MAYBE women take these "sexual friendships" with more responsibility than the guys do. (I dont want to see other people, IOW.)

I guess i'm just venting... i appreciate his honesty and i guess its up to me to hold back as much as i can...which sucks, but i'll never regret our (2-yr so far) relationship.

I am sorry you must be feeling sad about that Jellybean. My question is how come you had a 2 year relationship an just now he tells you he wants a relationship with people his own age. What did he tell you before of is it that you two never talked about it.

If I were you I would stop all contact with him until my heart mends.

((((((((hugs Jellybean))))))

vent away gal

Trace

If you have already invested 2 years and now he says he wants someone younger, why hasn't this come up before? Why wasn't all of this discussed before? Or is it that he has recently changed his way of thinking when it comes to having children, etc?

If he is adamant that he wants children and you are not able to give him that, then I would not stay in the relationship any longer. The longer you are in it, the stonger your feelings become.

Is there any possiblity that he has already met someone younger he is interested in and that is why this topic came up?

Girl, there are men out there who would not make you feel this way. I mean, it's fine to have fun with you etc., but when the question of real love comes up he turns a little fair weather...as long as things are the way he wants them he's down but as soon as you want to speak on matters of the heart...well...
THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE OLD! 47, in my opinion is a fabulous time for women. I think that's awesome that you've had a wonderful relationship with him for 2 years...yay! But now that you've had this heads up, maybe it's time to reassess. Personally, I would rather be alone (I have a blast alone...probably because I'm nuts! ;)) Then compromise my chance to find true love by hanging with someone who is not going to give you what you dream of. Don't accept the mediocre, believe in the impossible becoming possible...that's what life is about!

I think we always thought we were gonna be "F"*** buddies...

He had just broken up with his g/f (his age) when it all started. Yeah, i knew he wanted kids, but it never seemed to matter in our relationship. I guess i thought it was gonna stay all fun and games. Or maybe i hoped he'd fall for me and forget the kids?? LOL :confused: (I dont have any, and dont want any at this age.)

We havent been seeing each other "exclusively" for all this time. I had another guy i dated, and he has another girl he dates. Shes 35, but he said she wants to have more kids. She has a 15-yr old daughter.

I just dont want to see other people anymore, because i like just having ONE person. But, i see hes not the one. Better i stop it now, i guess, before i really fall in love.

Girl, there are men out there who would not make you feel this way. I mean, it's fine to have fun with you etc., but when the question of real love comes up he turns a little fair weather...as long as things are the way he wants them he's down but as soon as you want to speak on matters of the heart...well...
THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE OLD! 47, in my opinion is a fabulous time for women. I think that's awesome that you've had a wonderful relationship with him for 2 years...yay! But now that you've had this heads up, maybe it's time to reassess. Personally, I would rather be alone (I have a blast alone...probably because I'm nuts! ;)) Then compromise my chance to find true love by hanging with someone who is not going to give you what you dream of. Don't accept the mediocre, believe in the impossible becoming possible...that's what life is about!


I agree! If you are wanting love, romance, committment, etc. then staying with this guy is a waste of time when there are men out there who would truly appreciate you because of your maturity, your life experiences, etc that comes with the age 47! And 47 is definitely not old!! I will 49 next Sunday and there is no way I would classify myself as old! I am a goddess! LOL...And so are you! Don't settle for anything less than being treated like one!

I agree! If you are wanting love, romance, committment, etc. then staying with this guy is a waste of time when there are men out there who would truly appreciate you because of your maturity, your life experiences, etc that comes with the age 47! And 47 is definitely not old!! I will 49 next Sunday and there is no way I would classify myself as old! I am a goddess! LOL...And so are you! Don't settle for anything less than being treated like one!

So true! Check out the thread I posted in chit chat about Demi Moore modeling for Versace in her 40's!! Here's to enjoying your 40's and expecting the best!

Honey, it doesn't mean you're too old it just means that in this case, your s/o is just too young and not open to the possibilities a relationship with an older woman can open up. True, the whole having children thing can be an issue, but to that end it doesn't reflect on you whatsoever. . .{{hugs}}

Thanks to everyone.

And, i must take some of the blame myself.

He knew i was independent and happy with my life, when we started out. We kinda agreed that i was looking for "fun," and not a relationship. Which i did believe at the time.

He used to say how women always SAY that, and then they end up having feelings for the guy. Man, i hate to let him know he's right :(

Thanks to everyone.

And, i must take some of the blame myself.

He knew i was independent and happy with my life, when we started out. We kinda agreed that i was looking for "fun," and not a relationship. Which i did believe at the time.

He used to say how women always SAY that, and then they end up having feelings for the guy. Man, i hate to let him know he's right :(

Yeah but whatever, that's kinda mean for him to say that. Excuse you for having feelings and not just using him!!! :) I wonder what he would do if you said it's time for you to move on and that your not interested in being f buddies. I could never deal with that with guys; I felt it was demeaning. Hang tough girl! I remember reading something about Gena Davis getting married at 46 to a much younger man and having kids! Excuse me but WHATever to this guy! ;) (Sorry I get riled up and I can't help it I'm a girls girl!)

It sounds like there was no deception here at all....that you two started out as friends with bene's knowing each other's intentioned investment level......at that time. Now, you want to invest more, he does not. It's not cruel of him, or dishonest, you've had an open-dating relationship from the start, so it's just the reality of the situation.

The fact that you want him to be yours alone says that you have already fallen in love with him. If you don't back out now, you will grow to love him more as time goes on, and then resent the years you "wasted" after he leaves to be with someone younger and start his family.

46 is not old (I'm 48 and lovin it!)....you are in a great place to have a meaningful, loving relationship with a man who adores ONLY you, doesn't want to have kids, etc. At the same time, you're not getting any younger....staying somewhere that doesn't fit now is just not worth it. Use your best years (these you are in now) to have what you truly want rather than a fantasy that can never be yours.

Walk away... it will be hard, but so worth it in the end.
Best,
Karen

Thanks. I think youre right. yeah it will be hard :(

Been there done that...best to go ahead and get out now. It will hurt, but it will hurt more later. Don't waste any more of your time...the right one is out there.. :)

it seems that women do mostly feel that way if the F buddy system often times is more than once... I it is funny but as my students read the line from Arthur Miller's play, The Crucible, I always stop to discuss it as I think overall it does ring true no matter what century or decade or how liberated we have become. The line is : "Spoken or silent, a promise is made in any bed." And sometimes we do learn the hard way...

My best to you and hope you do find someone who can give you that "promise".

it seems that women do mostly feel that way if the F buddy system often times is more than once... I it is funny but as my students read the line from Arthur Miller's play, The Crucible, I always stop to discuss it as I think overall it does ring true no matter what century or decade or how liberated we have become. The line is : "Spoken or silent, a promise is made in any bed." And sometimes we do learn the hard way...

My best to you and hope you do find someone who can give you that "promise".

A promise is made and should not be broken. The F buddy system, or my preferred term, Friends with benefits, really doesn't work because one party always winds up getting hurt or let down in the end.

Dan Echo

Dans right there....

there IS no 'friends with benefits'.....Its just an excuse to.....f

It is Inevitable that sooner or later....someone falls for the 'other'....

and it just ends in tears....

Sorry to hear about your plight....but as the others have said....best to look at it now...and start thinking of hitting the road....

Unless you want to look at adoption, but....is the love strong enough???

Yeah, i do like "friends with benefits" better...

No, i dont love him that strong yet to even think of marriage or children...plus i've never wanted children my whole life. I cant see myself changing that for someone else, even if i loved them ALOT.

I am at the beginning of the "attachment" feelings...missing him after he leaves, wondering what he's doing...which after almost two years i think is damn good! (I mean that i could stay "un-attached" to him for that long) For quite a while we saw each other about once a month...now its almost once a week...

I can say that i do CARE about him...and i can see the next feeling will be love. I guess thats why i'm trying to nip it in the bud. I can already imagine how much i'll miss him...its so hard to be the one to end something, but it's bad when it ends, either way...

Thanks again for all the replies. I really appreciate it!

Well, i ended it :(

Well, i ended it :(

What happend...r u ok?
You are brave
You are strong
You are walking into your future
To the love waiting there
You don't know what the future will hold
He may change
He may not
But you are growing
And asking for more
Asking for what is yours
You are believing in yourself
In your life
In respecting yourself

Thanks SO MUCH...

aside from the pain...and feeling like i wanna puke...how am I? i'll be OK eventually. i'll write more about what happened tomororw. thank you again, J

Thanks SO MUCH...

aside from the pain...and feeling like i wanna puke...how am I? i'll be OK eventually. i'll write more about what happened tomororw. thank you again, J

It does hurt. Been there myself, but you did the right thing. One electronic hug sent your way.

Dan Echo

Hey JB...so sorry you are going through this. I went through much the same thing. I had dated a younger man for 2 years (17 years younger) from age 45 to 47. I broke up with him for the same reasons. I had accepted that my love life was over and was trying to make the best of enjoying my grandkids and my mom and dad, when out of the blue I met my now husband. Just goes to show, you can still find love after age 50 (when most of the YM no longer consider us "hott"). :) So don't give up....he's out there somewhere.

Jellybean , i am sort of in the same boat ,so i know how you feel . my man i and i have been seeing each other for a year and both really liked each other . however he said from the very start , he did not want any fall , that he did not want me to get hurt etc and yet we went ahead and over the year , we did talk honestly about the age gap and he wanting children , I am 51 , he is 33 and i am seperated and have a family age range 17- 29 .
this week we chatted it out again and have decided to call it quits , the big thing being he wants to get married and have children. i can see he would make a great father , how could i begrudge him ? in some way i do think hes right to want this at 33 and if he were my son i would be happy with this decision . so i am letting him go with a full heart .
thats not to say somewhere deep inside , where i dont want to admit it to myself, i have a little fantasy that maybe hell be back with all this sorted in his head ! meanwhile , i am not going to be contacting him .
good luck , isnt it great to hear everyone insisting you WILL meet someone !!

Jellybean,
(((HUGS))) Only wish found this post sooner.Yes it very sad to hear what you are going thur.When I read,when you said you were too old....NON-SENSE!!
As we all know here,age is only a number and meaningless number at that.Age has nothing to do with it.Maturity is the most important,here.It's just that your guy wasnt ready.Yes,there are some that are.Have always been told when you aint"looking" is when the right one will come along.Stay strong...Sis,your knight is out there.
Take this time to heal.Please stay,as you are with friends,here.I've been helped many times here.


The Shadow

Girl, there are men out there who would not make you feel this way. I mean, it's fine to have fun with you etc., but when the question of real love comes up he turns a little fair weather...as long as things are the way he wants them he's down but as soon as you want to speak on matters of the heart...well...
THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE OLD! 47, in my opinion is a fabulous time for women. I think that's awesome that you've had a wonderful relationship with him for 2 years...yay! But now that you've had this heads up, maybe it's time to reassess. Personally, I would rather be alone (I have a blast alone...probably because I'm nuts! ;)) Then compromise my chance to find true love by hanging with someone who is not going to give you what you dream of. Don't accept the mediocre, believe in the impossible becoming possible...that's what life is about!



Right on girl! specially "believe in the impossible becoming possible". :D

I will always be a dreamer. I will never settle for less than what I want. I prefer being alone than being with someone because I might end up alone. sooooo what if I do because I didnt find the right man for me? I dont care. I truly dont! So Annie, I must be nuts too cause I too enjoy being alone :p

Thanks so much for the posts and advice.

I am new here, but i really feel like i learned so much, and got so much GOOD advice and support. I see that there are people going thru almost the exact situation that i am.

I knew when i came here, that i was going to have to end it. Maybe i just needed to see that it really WAS the right thing to do.

I did not "choose" him because he was young...but the relationship did end because of our age difference. We had different goals, and different paths to take in life. I think thats what hurts the most. We had often discussed "if only we were a little closer in age," and i had said to him, maybe in a few years we will meet again, and somehow it will work.

I know he has his life to live. I am in the middle of mine already. Its very sad, and it hurts, and i will miss him SO BAD. We never even really had a "fight" in two years.

I really wanted to be by his side, while he experienced everything he's going to experience...

But, I knew last nite was the nite to do it, because i was last on his weekend "to do" list once again...

He doesnt understand, and asks what he did wrong. Yet he had told me all along that our relationship would go on until i didnt want it to anymore...

Its hard to turn off the phone, the Messenger, everything...knowing he's out there...I want to see him so bad.

I know it gets better, i've been thru breakups before. Hes just such a good match for me in so many ways...thanks again for listening... J

Congratulations! You are very strong to have ended it yourself. I know it really hurts. I broke off my 4 year relationship last spring and am just bouncing back now. Take the time you need to recover before you start dating. Take it from me, the best remedy for you at this point is...SHOPPING!

Patricia (running off to pay for the latest eBay purchase)

Well, i re-read this thread for some support, and to give an update.

He came up to me tonite at work, as he's been coming up to me for the last few nites, all nice and friendly and flirty, making sure our bodies touch. You dont know what torture this is for me...and he knows how attracted to him i am. I was trying not to look into his eyes.

He knows now that i'm changing shifts. When i was trying to act standoffish, i guess he finally got the hint. He said something like, "I guess you wont have time for me anymore," in regards to the new shift. I have already told him it was over. My mouth was so dry i could hardly say anything. Plus i was getting tears in my eyes. I finally just said that we could talk later, because i dont like anything like that going on at work. I end up in the ladies room crying (and i did).

Then i turned my phone off. I hate this so much. I want things to be good. I dont want to miss him every single day and want to hold him so bad. I dont even want to read any sex posts anymore because i think about him. :(

Sorry...needed to vent. Thanks again for this site.

Well, i re-read this thread for some support, and to give an update.

He came up to me tonite at work, as he's been coming up to me for the last few nites, all nice and friendly and flirty, making sure our bodies touch. You dont know what torture this is for me...and he knows how attracted to him i am. I was trying not to look into his eyes.

He knows now that i'm changing shifts. When i was trying to act standoffish, i guess he finally got the hint. He said something like, "I guess you wont have time for me anymore," in regards to the new shift. I have already told him it was over. My mouth was so dry i could hardly say anything. Plus i was getting tears in my eyes. I finally just said that we could talk later, because i dont like anything like that going on at work. I end up in the ladies room crying (and i did).

Then i turned my phone off. I hate this so much. I want things to be good. I dont want to miss him every single day and want to hold him so bad. I dont even want to read any sex posts anymore because i think about him. :(

Sorry...needed to vent. Thanks again for this site.


You work together? I don't remember seeing anywhere that you work together. That would make it even more difficult to deal with the breakup if you are both in the same workplace! One of the reasons I never got involved with anyone I worked with!

Yes, we work together. That's how we met. Yes its hard, and i will listen to good advice from now on, like "dont date someone at work!"

Our building is large, with about 400 workers, and hes at the other end, but we're still too close for comfort. In a couple weeks i will be on a totally different shift than him.

Jelly Bean I'm so sorry!!! Be glad you found out now instead of later...I know 2 years is a long time but unfortunatly he was to immature to be upfront before.... I would cut off all ties and move on!! whether you find someone younger, older, or same age... you'll find happiness!!

Actually she has known all along. It was what they both agreed upon then. As Special K says, he did nothing wrong. Her needs changed and he has remained as when they began their relationship.

Of course, it is remotely possible that her having ended it will make him aware that he maybe has changed, too. He may love her. But if he does want kids and she does not...there is no place to go for them. So it is best she keep it ended as she is doing.

The only thing that i can say he did "wrong" was to send me mixed signals. But that may be just the way i took things.

He was pissed whenever i dated someone else, or told him i had "company" when he wanted to come over. I took it as jealousy...i now feel that it was just his ego suffering, or the fact that he was inconvenienced by not being able to come over every time he wanted to...

He always told me about his "dates" and people he was seeing...i just never showed that it bothered me.

He had also mentioned several times about how great it would be to live here with me.

But now, if he keeps coming by my job and trying to "tempt" me, i will let him know that its unacceptable.

it seems that women do mostly feel that way if the F buddy system often times is more than once... I it is funny but as my students read the line from Arthur Miller's play, The Crucible, I always stop to discuss it as I think overall it does ring true no matter what century or decade or how liberated we have become. The line is : "Spoken or silent, a promise is made in any bed." And sometimes we do learn the hard way...

My best to you and hope you do find someone who can give you that "promise".


What a great quote!

:confused: so its good to know that there are other woman out there dealing with the same things that I am dealing with.. I am not sure how to post yet so I am going to tell my story in my reply. Please forgive my ignorance...

I am in my 30's and I am dating a guy 13 yrs younger. We worked together for several years and then we had a briefe encounter that lasted 3 months and he got scared and ran away. I let him run without and even A thought of stopping him even though i was hurt because we had an amazing connection..

He starting seeing someone else in our company right away, in fact I believe he was interested in her while we were dating.. anyway their relationship within a few months was totally crazy and destructive and the only reason i know is because people felt the need to tell me even though i really didn't want to know...

I saw him one last time and it felt like the end for me and so I never called him or made any attempts to contact him, that was a first for me. Usually i want to know why and so on .. He on the other hand would send me emails every 3 weeks or so, just saying little things like " Hi, or Congrats on the house I bought, etc. " my responses were usually one liners, like " thanks" and Im fine thanks".

anyway we both get promoted in our company and we are working closely together again and it was so clear that we had something very strong and very intense. we began seeing eachother again and he was the first to say " I love you and I can't believe i ever let you go", he was raised in the church and has some pretty conservative feelings about relationships at the same time he drinks everynight that he's with his friends (when we are not together and has crazy adventures due to drugs and alcohol..

By the way I am a single mother, he loves my kid but i have not encourage that relationship because I don't want my son to get hurt.. This young Man says things like I want to marry you, he tells me I am his future and he is going to make me his wife, I could go on but I think you get the idea.

As an older woman ready to settle down, how do I deal with someone who still needs to spend 75% of his time with his friends getting drunk??? he always says hes not like me, that when I was his age I was wild and crazy that he just hangs with his buddies and gets drunk at someones house and i shouldn't worry..

I don't trust it, and then theres the issue of not being able to reach him at times.. like tonight, he went camping over night with a group of Guy's supposedley and was out of range and could not call me. Ok thats resonable i guess and then this morning he send me a text telling me how much he misses me and loves and how I am the love of his life buy the time I got around to calling and texting him he doesn't answer. I think I am loosing my mind, I don't know what to do except run aways as fast as possible. I need serious help???

Beautiful

Maybe he is spending his time that way because there is nothing else to do because you won't allow him to spend it with you?? The reason I say this is because before me and my ym moved in with eachother he spent most of his time with his friends....however they stayed at his house play world of warcraft and drinking there :) No bars unless I was with him. He didn't like going without me. :p

So...you know your situation better than I. Could it be out of boredom or is he running the bars like crazy? Bars are bad news in my opinion.

This is an ancient thread and while I appreciate that people can reread these old things and benefit from them, I'm not sure the OP benefits from having an issue that is years old dredged up. Just a thought. She's not "too old", but this thread is!

Yep. You're right. Old thread. But I'm new :) Fogive me. Good subject tho.

But...a very painful one to our friend Jill!
BTW.......JILL...............where the hell are you???????????
I miss you lady!
Love, J

Is there a way to close old threads from new posts, yet leave them open for people to read? Might be more kind to all?

That is a GREAT idea!!!!!!

I would say maybe just for this forum, in case people don't want old problems resurrected. Allow old Chit Chat, Sexually Speaking, et al., threads to be dusted off and brought out, without any restrictions. I enjoy seeing new light on old threads, and I've brought out a couple myself.

As for threads in the Relationship Support sections, how about having a mod PM the OP after the thread has been inactive for a while. Ask if the OP wishes it closed, or is happy to leave the thread open for further discussion.

A big part of the benefit of this format is to be able to learn from the multitude of posts. People can learn from other's expriences.If a member is uncomfortable with an old thread, the can always delete it or request that it be closed. But there are just too many threads to have to contact each member and ask if they want it closed.

Sorry Jellybean!

My 2 cents:

None of us here could truely give a decisive opinion one way or another without more information.

Maybe its the scientist in me. Do an experiment. Wait a week or so and talk to him again about long term relationship. Do it 3-5 times, and if you continue to get the cold shoulder then you'll have your answer. It very well could be that he is scared of the possibility of falling in deep true love.

In my case:

Our relationship started off fast and furious. Then arguements started because she wanted a partner in life. At the time it was like a hammer to the head. A shock value that stunned me, and it caused me to have doubts in myself. Once I evaluated the pros/cons for myself, and how I was beginning to feel for her. I took the next step, and we moved in together. The age gap has came up several, and I mean several times. Because, she is worried about long term value. I'm not to worried about it, because I know myself, and I'm the type of person whom never gives up.

:D

I dated a guy, it was just 2 times, but I knew when we first met he was a great guy, a keeper, the only thing, I was 53 at the time, he was 26, a big age gap. On our last date we went to the park, there is an amphitheater there, we had stopped at McDonalds for some picnic food, brought some chairs, we went and listed to the bands. It was a fun date, even he thought so, on the way back to my place he was talking about how he wants to find someone around his age to get married to and have kids. I'm not one to hold anyone back, but it made me feel so old since I can't have children, and it also made me feel so sad. Here was a great guy, another great guy that was out of reach for me just because of the age thing and the fact he wanted a family which I was unable to give him. I used to think about that alot as I had dated alot of younger men, some didn't want kids, and others who were on the fence about it and I would say to them that I was willing to adopt, which of course is not the same as having your own baby, your own flesh and blood.

Sometimes when a man is younger than you, you just have to let him go. If you want to just have fun together as friends, then that's all it can be. It's not fair to the guy if he is young and wants to settle down with a family of his own. I know, makes me feel old too, also inadequate to a point not being able to ever give him what he wants (a family) that is. We have to do the mature thing.

Have your fun with your bf, but you have to eventually let him go. Believe me, I've been there.

What I don't understand is how can ANY human being Male or Female not have feelings for someone they are having sex with ?? It is such an intimate, personal and beautiful thing. I just don't want to believe that any man can just F*** a woman even if they have entered into a Friends with benefits relationship?? and not feel ANYTHING for them. I really don't want to believe that the male species is so cold and callous??
Am I living in a fantasy world here or what??
Even if the relationship goes no where, you have shared something special and how can you not CARE!!!

That guy I dated I never had sex with, I didn't want it to get to that point since he wanted someone younger for a ltr, why get myself in that situation. But when I was in longer term relationships, yes, the sex came into play, and sometimes those relationships did not work out. I don't think it's because of the sex, it's just that the two of us were so different, or the guy was less mature and didn't know how to get in touch with his feelings.

It is a bit baffling why a guy would sleep with someone and then just be able to say, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, or....I just don't feel the same way you do. It happens all too often.

That guy I dated I never had sex with, I didn't want it to get to that point since he wanted someone younger for a ltr, why get myself in that situation. But when I was in longer term relationships, yes, the sex came into play, and sometimes those relationships did not work out. I don't think it's because of the sex, it's just that the two of us were so different, or the guy was less mature and didn't know how to get in touch with his feelings.

It is a bit baffling why a guy would sleep with someone and then just be able to say, oh, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, or....I just don't feel the same way you do. It happens all too often.

It happens no matter what the mans age I have had it happen to me...
BUT I also know some women who do it to as if a man was like a piece of candy...had you did you I am done type of thing...sad but true