he said it as a joke but.......

is there any truth in a comment like this? me and my ym where at home last night and i cooked dinner (as i do) and handed him his plate. he looked at me and said wistfully 'i have to marry you someday!" and maybe too quickly i said "yup ok!" he replied with a giggle "that didnt take long to think about" and i said " no i know it didnt, didnt have to think"
is there any truth in a comment like that from my ym? does that mean he really has considered 'marrying' me or is that just a flippant guy comment that means nothing? just curious..........

It's been my experience that guys don't really joke about stuff like this.

There may be some truth to what he said but the time frame he's talking about is a completely different story...

you mean when he said 'someday'?

Yes. Someday could mean anywhere from next month to 20 years from now...

yeah i see your point. i guess i just feel good that he even dared to say something like that! i guess it just makes me think that at least he has maybe considered a life with me which is music to my ears :)

If someone said that to me (A boyfriend) I'd take it seriously and be happy and excited, but I would wait for the bended knee proposal another time...it was kind of like a good sign or something. I wouldn't bring it up with him though; just wait 4 him!

thanks skater :) yup, think ill just walk around with a stupid grin and hope that it happens someday sooner rather than later :)

thanks skater :) yup, think ill just walk around with a stupid grin and hope that it happens someday sooner rather than later :)

Perhaps if you walk around with the grin, he'll ask you why you're so happy, and when you tell him, he may give you more concrete insight.

Just to throw a gents point of view in, some guys like to know where they stand, and they'll say things to evoke a response that will answer that question. A guy who likes to know where he stands will appreciate finding out.

Now there are other guys who care less about knowing where they stand and more about just living life as it comes. A guy like that may make such a comment simply because he was trying to compliment you on your cooking, and nothing more.

You know better which kind your man is, but regardless of which, there is a time for such discussions. Rather than simply hope that he does, when an appropriate moment arises, engage him regarding the subject. Don't try to pin him or go overboard, but keep in mind that you are in a dating relationship, and people don't date indefinitely; eventually, there has to be an answer of stay or go. He may wish to stay and date you for the rest of his life. Not quite a marriage proposal, but if he makes good on that, it's just about the same. He may not be sure where it's going. But at some point, and you know your relationship well enough to know when, you should both discuss the subject.

Dan Echo

thanks for the advice. i guess im a bit scared to go there. we have only been together for 8 months (living together for 5) but i already know that this is a special guy i have and im in no hurry to lose him, AT ALL!! so when the time is right i may ask him if there was any truth to his comment. if all i get is a puff of smoke ill know he's run to the hills! lol :) still, is a nice thing to hear the man you love say. put a smile on my face

Sure sounds like his head has been wrapped around the future. I think throwing it out as a joke was a safe way of getting it out there on the table and the giggle says he was happy with your response. :) Now ya wait! lol

Oh, he's serious about it deep down I think....Guys don't kid about marrying. I suspect that he feels the feelings so strongly that he is having trouble getting them out (you know, that words getting in the way stuff)...If he speaks jokingly, the gravity of his feelings won't make him red in the face...

He is probably happy to be with you at the moment so you might want to joke with him the same way telling him "yup, we should marry some day" and see what he says. ;)

If he is from Wellington then chances are ahm a bit slim but if he is from Auckland then then you set your barometer high!!!

Serious, does that proposal mean that much to you???

Perhaps if you walk around with the grin, he'll ask you why you're so happy, and when you tell him, he may give you more concrete insight.

Just to throw a gents point of view in, some guys like to know where they stand, and they'll say things to evoke a response that will answer that question. A guy who likes to know where he stands will appreciate finding out.

Aye I know what you mean. Men aren't always the best communicaters so sometimes they say something very direct to see what response it gets. Subtly is lost on me personally, so I can understand why he would say something like that.

He also most certainly catalogued your reaction in his mind.

why not assummed that he is just teasing you or joking with you. Dont think too much of it. Let things come naturally... :) Wish you happy always.

[COLOR=Blue]If he is from Wellington then chances are ahm a bit slim but if he is from Auckland then then you set your barometer high!!!

Serious, does that proposal mean that much to you???

Good point Aram..and if it does meant that much, why does it? I guess I just don't think in terms of "when will he ask me to marry him" very often since I've been in an OW/YM relationship..I did when I was in my early 20's...perhaps that's the difference I dunno...far to many variables here...I would have to know more about your situation to give an honest opinion.

Each situation is certainly different.

After an off again/on again long relationship with someone I knew I could have fallen hard for - he came to me and said "I should have married you, shouldn't I?".

It was after the fact but we were both single and could have acted on that. Why did he never actually ask? Why did he not ask then? Who knows...

He had never been married. I looked him up several years after this and he was married - to someone else and still is...

So.. how does this relate? Perhaps a distant cousin but I thought I would throw it in the ~food for thought~ category here.

I guess since he ended up married; if he had wanted to marry me he would have actually asked me!

Good luck with your situation truly..

Jas

Good point Aram..and if it does meant that much, why does it? I guess I just don't think in terms of "when will he ask me to marry him" very often since I've been in an OW/YM relationship..I did when I was in my early 20's...perhaps that's the difference I dunno...far to many variables here...I would have to know more about your situation to give an honest opinion.


well, it is important because i have never considered marrying anyone else before. i have dated some great guys and have even been proposed to twice but this one is in a league of his own. im not thinking 'when will he marry me' but its still beautiful to me that he even dared mention the word marry!! i love him in so many ways and would be proud to be his wife someday. just to look at him is a joy, let alone all the other great qualities he has. cant imagine not having him in my life :)
also, thanx for all of you opinions. keeps my feet on the ground :)

Aye I know what you mean. Men aren't always the best communicaters so sometimes they say something very direct to see what response it gets. Subtly is lost on me personally, so I can understand why he would say something like that.

He also most certainly catalogued your reaction in his mind.

I did that very thing with my lady regarding dating, and finally, I just decided to tell her how I felt. Most people don't like rejection, and a negative to a marriage proposal is a biggie. By making the comment, running it up the flagpole and seeing if it gets a salute, he doesn't face an outright no, and therefore doesn't face rejection. Telling my lady how I actually felt was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, simply because of how special she had become to me and how badly I fell for her.

Dan Echo

we have had a couple of ups and downs (very minor) and as he was very hurt in his last relationship, he had been holding back. but, in the last few weeks he has changed? been more 'open' in a lot of ways. hard to explain because we have always had a good relationship, but somehow it has got better?
i got annoyed with him (very rare for me) because his ex was still effecting our relationship and i finally grew a back bone and said i wasnt happy about it and that i felt as though sometimes she was still more important than me and i was not happy to accept coming in second behind someone who so obviously had no respect for him to hav treated him so badly. well, i think it gave him a wake up call because since then he has changed and told me he is not interested in continuing the contact with his ex. i didnt tell him not to, just that i expect to be more important to him than her, and i guess he made the choice?! :)

i know he is afraid to tell me how he truly feels because he doesnt want to be hurt again. but, i love him and would never intentionally hurt him. so dan, i hope you are right and that he was just putting his feelers out to see how i would react. do i bring up the subject of marriage with him? or is it best to just leave it and let him bring it up?

Rougharrow, I know how you feel. My ym did the same thing. He would say things like, "Would you leave your husband and marry me?" (when I was still with my husband) and then he would say he was just kidding. Then he turned around and said "Would you leave your husband and move IN with me?" and again said he was just kidding. Well, I have left my husband but have no intention of moving in with him until I have been on my own for awhile, but I still want to think that he WANTS me to move in. Once he said, "Do you love me? Not love me, love me...but love me?" What the heck does THAT mean? Another time, this time during sex, I was saying how much I loved what he was doing and loved the way he kissed me, etc. He looked up and me and said, "Do you love ME?" I was surprised because he has severed several relationships because the women told him they were falling in love with him and he didn't feel the same way. I have been really careful not to say it even when I was feeling it. So do you guys think that guys aren't "kidding" when they say these things?

Rougharrow, I know how you feel. My ym did the same thing. He would say things like, "Would you leave your husband and marry me?" (when I was still with my husband) and then he would say he was just kidding. Then he turned around and said "Would you leave your husband and move IN with me?" and again said he was just kidding. Well, I have left my husband but have no intention of moving in with him until I have been on my own for awhile, but I still want to think that he WANTS me to move in. Once he said, "Do you love me? Not love me, love me...but love me?" What the heck does THAT mean? Another time, this time during sex, I was saying how much I loved what he was doing and loved the way he kissed me, etc. He looked up and me and said, "Do you love ME?" I was surprised because he has severed several relationships because the women told him they were falling in love with him and he didn't feel the same way. I have been really careful not to say it even when I was feeling it. So do you guys think that guys aren't "kidding" when they say these things?

Kyrie...I have to say that it SOUNDS like what your guy is asking has more to do with his self-esteem than truly asking about love. There are people who have an insatiable need to be told they are loved but because of their low self-esteem, they actually run after being told they are - this is because they lose respect for that other person for loving a bum like them! Yes...it is backward and twisted and hurtful, but there are people who think that way.

These are the ones who leave as soon as they win their "conquests" and very frequently they target married people because "I'll know I'm REALLY lovable if I can get her to leave her husband for me!" Then as soon as the woman does...he's gone, because he has to keep putting himself in a situation of anticipating love and never getting it.

This sounds terribly pessimistic I know...but I have seen that pattern happen a number of times. Therefore, what ONE guy's motives are for joking about this subject can be very different from some OTHER guy's.

I'm just calling this as I see it and I could be totally wrong...but in case this information is useful to you I just had to say it.

:)

These are the ones who leave as soon as they win their "conquests" and very frequently they target married people because "I'll know I'm REALLY lovable if I can get her to leave her husband for me!" Then as soon as the woman does...he's gone, because he has to keep putting himself in a situation of anticipating love and never getting it.

JUST had to say, I've known women who do this, too. In fact, my first husband got roped into a very, very, eeeeerily similar situation with a young woman who did the EXACT same thing. As soon as he left me, she dumped him flat.

Of course, I wasn't going to take him back... :eek: But, I have forgiven him (long ago) and we're quite good friends now. :D

But, yeah... women play this game, too.
~phos

JUST had to say, I've known women who do this, too. In fact, my first husband got roped into a very, very, eeeeerily similar situation with a young woman who did the EXACT same thing. As soon as he left me, she dumped him flat.

Of course, I wasn't going to take him back... :eek: But, I have forgiven him (long ago) and we're quite good friends now. :D

But, yeah... women play this game, too.
~phos

Oh absolutely. I did say "people" to begin with, but the context was with a guy. But yes, you're right. There is this type of psychology out there, I just wanted to highlight that in case it was useful.

:)

Thank you Goldie for your insight about this. Maybe you are right, maybe he just needs to HEAR it and then he will be gone. I have been saying it for several months, very sparingly, and only when he says it first. Since my "availability" is so new, I guess time will tell. It's just that I don't think he says that to very many people. I have know another ym like you are descriibing and he always tells the girl he is seeing that he loves her.... always. There are times when I feel that my ym doesn't have much self esteem and then other times that he seems to think he is "all that". This whole thing gives me a headache :confused:

Thank you Goldie for your insight about this. Maybe you are right, maybe he just needs to HEAR it and then he will be gone. I have been saying it for several months, very sparingly, and only when he says it first. Since my "availability" is so new, I guess time will tell. It's just that I don't think he says that to very many people. I have know another ym like you are descriibing and he always tells the girl he is seeing that he loves her.... always. There are times when I feel that my ym doesn't have much self esteem and then other times that he seems to think he is "all that". This whole thing gives me a headache :confused:

Sure kyrie. I didn't mention what *they* tend to say, because it wasn't relevant...I don't think you can tell them apart by what they say TO you - because the main thing is that they get the other person to fall in love with them and they can use any means necessary.

If someone goes back and forth between low and what looks like too much self-esteem...the second is just an overcompensation for the first. That's the truth about ego-trippers, they do it *because* they feel unworthy underneath, and don't want anyone else to know.

Anyway...best of luck with whatever your situation turns out to be. :)

well, my ym has no self esteem issues and if anything he could get another gf with out a prob if he wanted. he's not big on "i love you's" but his actions do show how much he cares. i have told on many occassions to be careful what he says as i will believe him and take him seriously, and he also knows that i mean that. being a taurus he is slow to act and i kinda like the 'slow and steady wins the race' thing. once he makes his mind up it is not changed easily. so, i hope that when he 'joked' about it. it was his way of geeting info :)

Just to throw a gents point of view in, some guys like to know where they stand, and they'll say things to evoke a response that will answer that question. A guy who likes to know where he stands will appreciate finding out.

Now there are other guys who care less about knowing where they stand and more about just living life as it comes. A guy like that may make such a comment simply because he was trying to compliment you on your cooking, and nothing more.




These were the two main ideas that I had, as well.

I think that some guys will use the M-situation to see where you stand. I also think that some guys will use the M-word in the second situation that Dan mentions, not necessarily in a selfish or malicious way, it's just sort of their way of saying that they really appreciate you and they really like your cooking. Some guys might even find it easier to 'kid' with a woman about getting married than they would to say the L-word!

Ok guys, I am feeling kind of bleak about my YM now.....ha. Maybe this has all been a "conquest" on his part, or to stroke his ego, but if so, he is very patient. This has been going on for 6 years! It's just the "I love you" part that has been the last year or so.

explain? you mean only in the last year has he started to say "i love you". after 6 years you think you are just a conquest? have you asked him if he see's a long term future with you? do you love him?
i need to know more of your story...........

Well....I am just getting out of a long marriage...it died years and years ago. No intimacy or affection (or sex) for a very long time. It just took me a long time, and a lot of support from people in here, to have the courage to do that. I have been seeing my ym for 6 years. It started out a "just for sex" thing. That was fine with me since I was married. It was sporatic, a couple of times every couple of months or so. Then when he and his girlfriend broke up a few years ago, he started calling me, mostly for support. Things heated up and for the last 2 years we have been together regularly at least once a week and it isn't just for sex anymore. He asked a couple of other girls out a couple of years ago, but he broke up with both of them because they were not what he was looking for. The younger ones are too immature and the older ones are looking for a "daddy" for their kids. The last year he has not been with anyone but me and has started to say "I love you". And that kind of stuff. But....we have never really discussed if this could be a long term thing because there is a lot of family involved. To be honest, sometimes I feel like it is just the "easy sex" and that he doesn't have to spend money on me or take me out or anything since this is a "secret". Yes, I am falling in love with him. I know I have to ask him the hard questions, but I am not ready to hear the answers if they are negative. I am such a coward (as most of you who have read my posts already know.....)

I wanted to clarify the "family" issues my ym is concerned about dealing with. I have known his father since we were 7 years old. We went all the way through school together. He (the father) has shown interest in me (sexually only) from time to time through the years, but we have never been intimate. My ym also has a older brother that we lived next door to for a few years. My former husband and I hung out with him (the older brother) and his then girlfriend and we have also socialized with the older brother and his present girlfriend. The older brother even hits on me when he has had too much to drink. My ym has told me that both his dad and his brother tell him he should "get some" (referring to me). He says he just plays that down so as not to arouse suspicion. As far as I know, no one is aware of the relationship between my ym and I except 3 of his friends. My ym doesn't think his father or brother would be offended by it, but his step-mom and mother would most likely be. My ym and I are occasionally out at the same place with these family members and we act as though we are just friends. In fact, sometimes I get upset because at times he gives little signals that he is thinking of us but then other times he seems to ignore me more or less. I don't really know what all this means, but I thought it might clarify the situation.

is there any truth in a comment like this? me and my ym where at home last night and i cooked dinner (as i do) and handed him his plate. he looked at me and said wistfully 'i have to marry you someday!" and maybe too quickly i said "yup ok!" he replied with a giggle "that didnt take long to think about" and i said " no i know it didnt, didnt have to think"
is there any truth in a comment like that from my ym? does that mean he really has considered 'marrying' me or is that just a flippant guy comment that means nothing? just curious..........

Truly tough to say. I think you should ask him directly. Delicate I admit but thats the only thing that comes to mind.

Hi roughharrow...

You are getting both sides of the coin here, which is good.

It makes me think of a friend of mine who was once telling me he had moved in with some roommates and one of them (the owner of the home) would always cook, clean and she would even do his laundry and iron all of it as well. He said "I think I'm gonna have to marry her" and then laughed. He was appreciative of the things she did, but they were not even in a relationship, AND he then said that she was very anal and couldn't stand for his laundry to just be sitting there undone, so that is why she would do it. Just to give you an idea of how a guy may joke around about such a thing. It's hard to know in which way he meant it, unless you ask him directly. Good luck! :)

i see your point. i guess people say things for all sorts of reasons and maybe i just wanted to imagine that he meant more than he did? never considered marrying anyone until now, so i do hope there is at least the thought in his mind. he always says things like 'wat a good team we are' and things about being old together and stuff. maybe he just says those things? still, i like it all the same.

kyrie, have to run so will reply tomorrow to your post k.

thanks everyone for your input :)

he always says things like 'wat a good team we are' and things about being old together and stuff.

Well, now that you mention this, I think your guy may well be thinking very long-term. Just let him come to the decision on marriage, if he does, in his own time. My honey has said these types of things too (involving "rocking chairs on the porch" and such) - and just asked me to marry him. :) We've known we've been a great team for over 2 years, so it sure makes sense, but who knew when that decision would get made, or why now. All the same, we've come far since knowing how good we would be together. Every relationship ripens naturally in its own time. :)

congrats goldie :) yeah well i hope he is thinking that long term. i have a feeling he is but i will just have to wait and see what happens i guess. we are a great team so yeah, nothing would make me feel happier than to become his wife. kinda early days tho so will just take it as it comes. have a nice day. will pop back a bit later :)