New and In Need of Support

Hello all..What a find this site is! I am 53 year of age and am involved with a married man 35 yrs of age. We met innocently enough...each having challenges in life;s transitions (work, marriage, deaths in family) and over 5 years an intimacy has developed that has now become sexual.

My husband had an affair(s) and confessed his infidelity five years ago. So, I am sure much of this is not happening by pure accident.

Nevertheless, I am sure I belong on more than an Ageless Love.com website. He has been married for 12 years and has known his wife since junior high. I have known my husband since the age of 16 (although) we did go our separate ways for four years and married at age 23..I have one 24 year old daughter.

I am at a crossroads for sure. I've renivented myself. I worked for 20 years. I have returned to college and am soon to complete my degree. I excel academically -- for someone so smart -- I certainly am using less than good sense!

I've been in therapy for about 4 years..couple counseling and individual counseling.

I know I was a fool to think that my relationship with MYM would stay strictly platonic.

He revealed his feelings for me first, and it is true this could be total infatuation or disillusionment on both of our parts.

Anyway, go ahead "hit me with your best shot."

Why on earth would anybody want to hit you? :confused: Its obvious that you're feeling quite vulnerable because of the infidelity of your husband (which anyone has a right to be) but becoming intimate with another woman's husband is not only wrong, but immoral, especially on your part. You had your fun, now I think its time to make some distance between yourself and him. Becoming more intimate with him will cause you nothing but more pain

Thank you for your logical insight. Vulnerable - I would guess so. But I accept my part in the failure of my marriage.

My actions are immoral = you are correct.

Because of my personal experience with a similar situation, I prefer to look at things in terms of facts and feelings rather than morality. So there are 2 couples involved here, your husband has cheated and he might cheat again and your ym is married and cheating so he might cheat again (with someone else if you break up or on you if you decide to live together). So in short you are lost (vulnarable) and therefore in a way innocent in this situation and the two men with whom you are involved are not. Are you sure you want to end your story with one cheater in order to get involved with another one ?

Anyway, go ahead "hit me with your best shot."

Are you seeking punishment and judgement? That will be easy to find.

I suspect (posts so far make this point) you will not find a lot of support for continuing your current situation... What do you want to do and what do you want support with?

This is not a justice court, and nobody should judge another member...

I remember the words of a GREAT WOMAN here on Ageless...


"Everyone has the right to express their opinion on this site, within the rules, whatever that opinion may be. We may not like it. We may disagree with it, we may debate it...but in the end it is that person's opinion and they have the right to express it.

For example, the issue of the extramarital affairs. Personally, the best advice I feel I can give to someone involved in an extramarital affair is to deal with the primary relationship first before continuing on in a secondary relationship. That will always be my opinion, and that will always be the advice I will give...."

I agree with these words and with this advice...

Best wishes

BTW...the GREAT WOMAN is JODY...Jo-admin :)

Maybe I'm so idealist as to believe that women are so much powerful than the basicness that men exhibit, but its our emotions that get us into just as much trouble.

you see, you were hurt by your husband's infidelity and yet you think nothing of the hurt some other woman is going to feel once she realizes that the man she's come to trust is as much a cheater as your husband. Do you really think this ym has as much honour as your husband? He does not. He fed you a load of manure and you emotionally fell for it. I mean where is it written that you have a right to hurt this woman and this family in such a manner.

You're right about one thing...this is just as much your fault as it is his. I know, the word NO is in your vocabulary...I'm sure you've said it many a time to possibly drugs, too much alchohol, stealing something, or just plain over tired and you can can't do much esle when someone calls you up and ask you to volunteer at your kid's school play.

And in this one area you can't say NO, I will not hurt this woman, NO, I will not be a party to the disintegration of this family, NO, I will not compromise my integrity.
Because the ym is not thinking this, which shows where his integrity is. But even worst, it shows a strong flaw in his character that he cannot put someone else first before his penis.

But you can, because you know what it was like to be cheated on. If the affair your husband has had is still affecting you, then you have no right to encourage another person to commit the same wrong. I hope you can really think on this very hard. Life is complicated enough as it is without adding more challenges. But find out what is most important to you right now and work from there...take care of your marriage before beginning another. Take care of you, before you hand you again to another human being who may not have your best interest at heart. It will show that you're just not another woman who can make lying your back a hot commodity, take your power back.

Paris

I thank you all for taking your time to post. There is not one element of advice that I have not already told myself.

I picked myself up after his affair and have tried ever logical scenario in getting my power back. I've succeeded in different areas of my life. I live a full, giving life in many, many ways. That may sound defensive - but I have failed miserably in saying "not" to this YM.

You know what it's like to be cheated on, to have the trust broken with a man you cared about and was supposed to be faithful to you in marriage.

Now you are doing this to another woman. Does this YM have children? Doesn't his wife and children deserve to be considered in this? Are you the first affair he has had? I doubt it. And I can almost guarantee you won't be the last. But I personally would want no responsibility in the breakup of his marriage and his family. I would not want to be the enemy of this man's wife nor his children (if he has children). They deserve better. If his marriage is that bad, then he should get out of it, instead of using you as a bandaid. And remember, all you have is his side of the story anyway on the condition of his marriage.

My best advice is to stop seeing this YM. Work on getting your life in some order. Work on yourself and heal from the breakup of your own marriage and the resentment you must still carry as a result of being cheated on. Once you are healed and healthy, then you can think about being in a relationship. But stay away from the married men.

go ahead "hit me with your best shot."

Pat Benatar rocks! Love can indeed be a battlefield.

Seriously, I think that your man hasa decision to make. If he initiated the intimacy which led to sexual activity, he apparently is not happy in his marriage. THe important question that I hope you can find an answer to, though, is why he would cheat on his wife. If his wife is a monster of a human being, maybe his infidelity was understandable. If such is not true, I'd wonder if you will be opening yourself up to being cheated on again if you place your trust in this guy.