Confused on Physical Affection issue

My OW is confusing me greatly these days. We spend a tremendous amount of time together, go to movies, eat together, etc...Frequently, I cook while SHe relaxes. We've been seeing each other daily for the past couple of weeks. Before that, we had SUndays together, but only SUndays due to me living two hours away. We had spent every SUnday together for six months.

I am getting frustrated with her on the issue of physical affection. We are best friends, have developed a solid friendship. SHe knows that I am intensely attracted to her, and that I am in love. She says that she feels the same way, but only in response to me telling her these things. I have given her countless cards and love letters. She always reads them, and seems to like them. SHe knows that I am a Christian and that I believe sex should wait for at least engagement and until the relationship has lasted for a solid length of time. At this point in our relationship, though, I am ready for more kisses, hand holding and would like to French kiss with her. Right now, we do kiss on the lips a couple of times a day and she does let me hold her hand a little. She gets irritated with me if I want to kiss her more than maybe twice a day, though, and gets upset at the movies if I put my arm around her for too long. She says that she likes my affection, but claims to not be "in" to being very affectionate. She has initiated affection with me, but it was only when I was depressed about something and SHe was worried about my feelings. Otherwise, She just sits there unless I initiate, doesn't give any cues, and sometimes says "Oh, not again. We've kissed enough for now". What is going on here??

What is going on here??

Not much! Have you talked to her about your feelingsof frustration? Clearly you think you have a friendship that is ready to go to the next level. Sounds like maybe she isn't as convinced. Sounds like a very one sided relationship, for whatever the reason. All I can tell you is that this business of love needs to be give and take and until you get some really good input on the matter from her, all the rest of us can do is speculate. Remind us of your age difference.

It could be a matter of just two people having different needs in that regard. In which case, some kind of compromise needs to be made. Perhaps you can start with a discussion where you tell her you're interested in understanding her feelings about affection. Ask questions like how were your parents. Did you see them hold or kiss each other? Did they hug you often? And perhaps you can ask her to listen to your feelings. If you begin without expressing frustration, but seeking understanding......you may both be better able to live with each others differing needs and each will be moved to change. You can never change anybody...they have to be motivated to do it themselves. Pressure never works.

Or....maybe she is used to having sex at this point in a relationship and she wants to respect your desire to wait. Perhaps a lot of physical contact makes it hard for her to do that so she avoids it.

It could be many things. We cannot figure out what is wrong....only give a few ideas and suggestions. The rest comes from communicating with each other in a way that makes it safe to express feelings.

My bf is very similar. He came from a family who rarely touched, never said "I love you" but he says they just knew they loved each other. He is very uncomfortable holding hands, being touched. Fortunately, he is affectionate during sex. It is hard though to want more and not get it, but understanding his background helps me to accept his behavior and avoid feeling like there is something wrong with me, or wrong with us.

Back in my college days I dated a guy who was not overtly affectionate, and absolutely physically distant in public (not even hand holding :confused: ).
I knew he liked me (said he loved me), was attracted to me (because, well, the other touchy-touchy arena was just fine between us in private), but I couldn't take his need for physical distance.

Some people are just "colder" in the physical affection department for some reason. I totally don't get that because I am AFFECTION-OBSESSED !! Even my teenage sons have to push me off of them or I'll kiss them in front of their friends at school :eek:

When I'm with someone I am totally into, I can't keep my hands off of him, and vice versa. The only experiences I've had where I've backed away from affection are when I have "lost that lovin feeling"..in other words, the relationship is at an end in my mind and affection turns into an annoyance. Not good.

Either your ow is just one of those who does not need/want a lot of physical connection....or she is dealing with other issues right now that make it "annoying". Perhaps it's the switch from just being able to be with each other once a week to every day...you know the saying, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Does she also personally embrace the conviction to wait until marriage to make love, etc.? Or is that simply your conviction and she is respecting it?

Big hugs on this one....

My experience with this has been pretty clear. If a person does not want to at least hug/kiss/touch another person with whom they are spending such time -
normally it means they are just not feeling the vibe. (if you know what I mean)

I've got a situation like this now. A close friend, someone I care very much for, is making it pretty clear that he would like to take it to the next level. I'm very careful with his feelings because I consider him a dear friend. He is a remarkable person indeed but I can't make myself feel something I do not feel. That would be dishonest to me and to him.

Even if a person is inexperienced, of strong Christian (or religious) vaues regarding sexual situations; it is still normal and human that one would have those kinds of feelings if they were drawn to a person in this way.

You might want to examine the situation more closely.

Jas

Yes....it would be best to examine the situation. Is she like this with everyone she's been involved with.... or just you?

Finding that out would help you to see if she is a cool type by nature. And if she is, you would have to evaluate if you could live with it.

Or...if this is how she acts only with you....then maybe she is not feeling the "vibe."

Another thing to consider.....if this is unusual for her, and she does care for you....could menopause be a factor? I've heard that some women go through a period of time when they are uncomfortable with lots of physical touch.

Yes....it would be best to examine the situation. Is she like this with everyone she's been involved with.... or just you?
Finding that out would help you to see if she is a cool type by nature. And if she is, you would have to evaluate if you could live with it.
Or...if this is how she acts only with you....then maybe she is not feeling the "vibe."
Another thing to consider.....if this is unusual for her, and she does care for you....could menopause be a factor? I've heard that some women go through a period of time when they are uncomfortable with lots of physical touch.

I'm wondering if the menapause is a fairly strong factor. She is 53, and is just now going through that fairly strongly, the hot flashes and all.

I also wonder about the sex issue. As far as I can tell, She is with me on this issue. I am not totally sure, though, as She has never initiated any discussion about this. I have stated my values on this issue clearly a number of times, so She knows just where I stand. She says She is with me on this issue, but only in response to me saying "Do you know what I mean?" after I have been forthright with her, and She has not given me any clue as to what her feelings and thoughts are.

An important detail which I think may be of vital importance to my situation: The last relationship She was in was a very bad one. The man was alcoholic, and was apparently very abusive to her. She's known for a pretty long time now that I'm ready to listen if She needs to talk about what She went through. She knows that I worry about the pain She may be feeling from this. The most She has ever told me, though, is that her break-up with him had all the classic earmarkings of an abused woman. She speaks about in such a detached way, though, that it is almost as if She is speaking about another person. This She told me recently, and was a first step, I think, because previously, my concern was met with a wall. She'd say "I don't want to talk about it", and in a rather defensive tone which told me not to dare approach the issue, or I would be in her doghouse.

OVerall, there are definite communication problems in my relationship with this woman. I have been very open and honest with her. She tells me that I have been, and that She values it. I don't feel like She has reciprocated this, though, and am not sure what to do. She is great about listening to my feelings. Ironically, this was the thing that attracted me to her. Yet, my key frustration with her has been that She is so withdrawn. She says She cares and listens like She does and says She'd be very sad if I left her. What is up with this woman?? I want to love her, but I feel like I'm breaking down granite!!