New member needs support

Hi. I just wanted to briefly introduce myself. I have been viewing this site for several months (I was so happy to find it) but have never added a thread of my own until today. My situation is as follows: I am 35 and my young man is 21. We've been married 2 years this coming November. Which makes both of us very happy. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship I guess. The problem is actually with me a lot of the time. I find that I am the self-conscious one that cares about what everyone thinks when we're out, etc... He doesn't seem to have any problem with it.
Some days it is quite difficult for me. It's not that I look so much older than him. I actually look young for my age. And he''s not the first yound man I've been with. I think much of this is in my head. Any advice.?

What can I say?I know this is a support forum and I wish I could give you advice but I'm in the same situation.My guy is 20,I'm 31(not married).
I find it difficult to deal with the fact that he's young but he has no problem with it.

But you've married him so why should it bother you now what people think?Before you married him what were your thoughts then?Did you also care about what people were thinking?

....Some days it is quite difficult for me. It's not that I look so much older than him. I actually look young for my age. And he''s not the first yound man I've been with. I think much of this is in my head. Any advice.?

Hi, blondechick....

This is a pyschological issue, obviously. I agree with you that much of it probably IS in your head.

I would suggest having a heart-to-heart talk with your husband about the way he carries himself. If you're not comfortable with his demeanor or appearance, that might be why you're posting.

Is he dressing like a typical "cool kid," ie. baggy pants, baseball cap, scruffy facial hair? I would be embarrassed by that if I were the older partner who looked like a 30-something adult, and my younger mate had clothes/style that said "Hey, Everybody! Look at my cool kid style! Yo, checkit!!" :D

You can tell that I think "kids" and their fads are silly. ;)

But maybe he's NOT dressing like that. If so, what's the problem? Why would you feel "quite uncomfortable?"

If it's just his physically youthful appearance (babyface) that embarrasses you, that is a bigotry/prejudice issue because he can't help that. I would advise you to just try and relax and repeat to yourself "Prejudice is wrong! Prejudice is wrong! Prejudice is wrong!"

Maybe when you truly believe it, then you won't as feel uncomfortable in public.

Hey that's interesting about the 'dressing' Harrison. For some reason I never considered any ym in an age-gap relationship as wearing the 'hip' stuff. LOL. I guess because my ym never has and doesn't give a fig for it. And neither does my friends ym (18 yr difference with them).

It just seems to me that anyone who would dress in the baggy 'cool' clothing has a bit different mentality than one who is involved in an age gap relationship.

blondechick, I'm in a 28 yr ag relationship... there are still times when we get looks, and I'm sure we always will, but for some reason it doesn't seem to be as often anymore. I think our attitudes talk louder than we realize when we are in public. If you're worried what others will think it somehow shows... maybe in the way we're 'looking' at others to see what their reactions are. Once you drop it and let go of it, and begin to enjoy who you're with, then others either ignore your age gap, if it's even noticeable, or they can 'feel' your happiness, contentment, whatever. Besides, I'm getting to the point where I really couldn't give a fig what strangers think of me.

:)

....Once you drop it and let go of it, and begin to enjoy who you're with, then others either ignore your age gap, if it's even noticeable, or they can 'feel' your happiness, contentment, whatever. Besides, I'm getting to the point where I really couldn't give a fig what strangers think of me.

:)

Bravo, Lynn!

I think this is the healthiest attitude. You gotta live for YOU and not for what other people think. Especially, not stupid or prejudiced people. ;)

That's my take on it, anyway!

Thanks for all the great feedback from everyone. In response to what Dolphin 1974 asked regarding did I have these kind of thoughts before? Actually no. I think my self-esteem issues are coming from me and my current life situation/career and not as a result of my marriage/relationship. Because I didn't have these fears in the beginning of our 2 year relationship. And as I mentioned earlier, I have dated younger men before. However, it didn't seem as big of a deal then. The age difference was less with previous younger men and we weren't married. And in reponse to Harrison who brought up a good point, my husband does dress very young and has a baby face. I never thought about that making me uncomfortable, but, that could be part of it. But, the most important thing is that he is a good and responsible husband that just happens to be 21. So, maybe it's time I relax and not worry so much about what others think? On another note, I'm still learning how to make threads on this site and use a signature etc.. So, please be patient with me.

Funny, me and my g/f were just up near Allentown this weekend. She was brought up there and her brothers still live there!

Maybe some of what you're feeling is because it is quite a small place and you're worried about being judged by others? I would say don't worry about it too much. I'm noticibly younger than my g/f, after all she is 18 years older and I don't look my age really, probably a couple of years younger. I kind of feel a lot more comfortable and don't worry about people giving us 'looks' here in Philly than when we're somewhere a bit smaller. We went to a small bar in Seemsville over the weekend, the kind of bar where everyone knows everyone else who is in there. I did kind of look around wondering if everyone was looking at us, but I didn't really notice anything. A couple of weeks ago we went to a bar in Philly and someone actually commented on our age gap, but in a positive way. Last year we went out with some of my g/f's friends and were in a gay martini bar. My g/f says that the guy at the door gave her a nod of approval, like he was checking me out!!! Thing is, people might look twice because they're not used to seeing o/w with y/m, but that dosn't necessarily mean that they are thinking it's wrong. I can't remember having a bad experience where someone noticed the age gap.

Is he dressing like a typical "cool kid," ie. baggy pants, baseball cap, scruffy facial hair? I would be embarrassed by that if I were the older partner who looked like a 30-something adult, and my younger mate had clothes/style that said "Hey, Everybody! Look at my cool kid style! Yo, checkit!!" :D


Hey! my bf dresses like that! I do not mind, he looks cool. He gets carded everywhere. He is 25 but looks 19, I am soon to be 47. I look younger than my age but I do look older than him. On top of that, we are interracial. And I suspect I have an accent. :p .

At one point you just have to forget about what other people think and enjoy your life.

[QUOTE=Harrison]Hi, blondechick....

Is he dressing like a typical "cool kid," ie. baggy pants, baseball cap, scruffy facial hair? I would be embarrassed by that if I were the older partner who looked like a 30-something adult, and my younger mate had clothes/style that said "Hey, Everybody! Look at my cool kid style! Yo, checkit!!" :D

Very good point. I've noticed a strong generational difference developing between those of us that grew up in the '80s, and the younger kids regarding clothing. The hip-hop, inner city way of dressing (I'm not even sure if I'm using the right terminology) seems to be a real subculture. At his age, I was walking around in RUSH and AC/DC t-shirts and black blue jeans and t-shirts, playing air guitar in public. Now, I only play air guitar in the car alone, where no one can see.....Ah, those college days.....

How funny...J and I were just talking about this tonight....we have decided to take a break as a couple (at my initiation) because after a year of dating neither of us is sure that we are headed toward a long term commitment.... Although we REALLY care about each other, love each other, and have some real components that make a great connection, there are a couple of things that set us on different planets, so to speak. But we'll see, it may evolve back sometime...

The facts about my experience with this issue...

He is 26 (I'm 48), and he dresses in that kind of baggy/ghetto/bad boy style being talked about here!!. Actually, I think it's cute, and it's his style...the stretched earrings are a bit much :rolleyes: , but it's just him. The problem is that whenever he dresses "up" (no baseball cap, conservative earrings, shoes instead of sneakers, etc.) no one even gives us a second glance. He wears glasses and his hairline is receding a bit already, so he could pass for about 30-32...and I've been told I can pass for about 35-38. BUT...whenever we'd meet for lunch, and he'd pull up on his chopper wearing a bandana and those huge earrings, EVERYONE stared (probably at his custom chopper...but it always felt like they were staring at ME and wondering why a guy like that would have lunch with his MOM!!). We live in a small town, and as was mentioned whenever we went out of town I never felt the same scrutiny.

So, I think the small town thing coupled with the ym REALLY looking or dressing younger CAN make the OW feel a little uncomfortable.

Rather than an exclusive committed relationship we are downsizing to dating-friends-with-affection for now, and it suits us.

So, in light of the new "mood" I joked, "So, the next time you ask me out, wear those conservative earrings of yours and leave the baseball cap at home....that is, if you want to hold my hand in public or anything:D ." He laughed but said, "Hey, wait a minute....are you embarrassed of the way I dress??"

"No, I actually think it's pretty cute, and I like your individuality there...but it just makes us SO obvious. I want to enjoy our time together rather than be stared at like we are in a fish bowl."

He still didn't get it so I gave a reverse analogy...

"What if I dressed really old so that it looked like you were out with your grandma in like a mumu (sp?) with keds or something, people would stare and you'd feel uncomfortable being seen with me, right?.."

He paused for a minute, grinned, and nodded saying, "okay, I get it now." :p

Your husband is your gem, and you HAVE made that commitment....don't worry what other people think now, it's time to just look at him and smile for the blessing you have in this wonderful ym, the love of your life.
Best,
Karen

My y/m 28 dresses in the hip-hop style on weekends(but without the baggy pants), while at work he dresses in polo's and dockers. He like atheletic gear and wears it often. His dress style is part of what I like about him..

I'm 44, on most days I dress trendy since my daughters and I share a lot of our clothes.

With this being said people are still going to look at us because there is an age difference. No matter what our dress choices are I cant change the fact that us being together still makes some people uncomfortable.

What I can change is the way feel. I just dont let it bother me.

You sound like you have good man and it is time that you relax and enjoy what you have. :)

Welcome to ageless

He is 26 (I'm 48), and he dresses in that kind of baggy/ghetto/bad boy style being talked about here!!. Actually, I think it's cute, and it's his style...the stretched earrings are a bit much , but it's just him. The problem is that whenever he dresses "up" (no baseball cap, conservative earrings, shoes instead of sneakers, etc.) no one even gives us a second glance. He wears glasses and his hairline....."
--- Special K


Thanks for validating this. I think it's a bit funny --- but only from a distance. I think my wife and I have closed our 16 year gap very nicely in terms of appearance precisely because we dress like we're from the same generation.

I'm 36, and although I'm a raging liberal, I see no need to broadcast it to the world through my clothing. So, no earrings or ear-studs, no tattoos, piercings, gold chains, retro-70s Afros, "sagging"/baggy pants with exposed boxers or any of that hip-hop mess. I just call my style "simple and unadorned."

If the situation were reversed and I were a 50-something guy going out with a 30-something YW, I wouldn't really want her trying to keep up with "the kids" by wearing "exposed-belly" shirts and low-rise jeans.

Just my preference!

Hey everyone! I can't thank you all enough for all the wonderful feedback you provided. And thanks Karen and Miss B, for the special thoughts you included at the end of your entry. It's nice to communicate with people who understand where I'm coming from, etc... It's funny, I love my husband so much, but, even still, the 14 year age difference can wear on a relationship. As responsible as he is, there are still moments that I feel like we are on different planets. Regarding music, movies, and such.
Even though I may look and act like a younger person than what I am, it really comes down to how my husband and I relate and not what others think. I need to re-center myself beucase due to this relationship I feel like I have started living for others first and myself second. Almost as if I am trying to make myself younger and "hipper" than I would normally care to be to make this relationship less of an "issue" for all. However, no one likes people who seem insincere or fake. I feel as if I have become that. I am also a recovering addict with 8 months clean and that needs to always come first. Staying clean. Being "someone else" who cares too much what others think will lead me back to the wrong path. Of that I am sure. Thanks again for all you help. This site is wonderful. :)

I'd like to good-humoredly chime in on the "hip dress" thing... I'm 41 and try to dress fashionably (in a way that doesn't look flat-out silly for my age; like no excruciatingly tiny baby T-s with all the bra straps falling down :p ) but my YM definitely dresses like other guys his age (almost 27). A few tattoos, nipple rings, very short hair... an occasional piece of jewelry that makes him look like a surfer. But he looks good, he is fashionable, and nope, a man my age probably wouldn't dress in a T-shirt and beaded necklace but hey, that's why I'm "shopping" where I shop. (I've never dated a YM and tend to think I'm with this one because of a connection we have, which is the basis of it—but I so see the appeal for YM. It's at least in part the very youthfulness, a lack of cynicism and an ability to appreciate things for their own sakes.)

if you're worried about what others think, you should leave him. You should do what others think is right and be happy that way. Just my opinion.

Would you stop being so darn sarcastic?! :rolleyes:
Its funny...sometimes!

Hi everyone. Just wanted to write a quick reponse. I'm not really sure why Passionate decided to respond to my original thread from a few days ago the way that she did. Telling me to leave my husband if I care about what others think so much. I am relatively new to this site and was simply voicing my opinion about certain issues that may accompany being with younger men. There may be days that any one of us may feel overly insecure about ourselves or our relationships. If I am not able to turn to a website such as this, then where would be appropriate? I received a lot of positive and helpful feedback from other members. It's a real shame not everyone is so helpful. Thank you to those that were.

hi, im from london

i am 25 with a 20 year old, no one acepted it at first and it has taken me 10months to get used to the idea with being with a guy 5 years younger than me. Where i live no one goes out with younger men and it is frowned upon, but u know what girls, i dont care.....dont live for anyone buy yourself, if your happy and your man is happy stuff everyone else...cos life is way too short to be miserable. i thnk we spend so much time worrying about things and spend time with all this energy worrying about our relationships, and if he dresses young or looks young or does immatuire things, well u know what....as long as you happy then stuff any friends family etc, cos if they really loved u then they will stay by u and will be happy for you and respect what u are doing with a younger man. I ahev had so much grief from being with a younger man even when i have been out, poeple saying craddle snatcher etc and i look at those poeple like, well u know what i think i have done well to get a younger man.....i will be the one who is laughing when my friends go for these older men, who will turm boring and miserable and my younger man is still up for having fun.....yipeeeeeeeeeeee

any way anyone wants to talk, please post me .........


love u all xxxxxx

have fun with your YOUNGER MAN.......

I've had to moderate this thread and will be addressing the issue with the individuals involved in PM. Please, out of respect to the OP, try to keep this thread devoted to offering her advice and support.

Thank you,
Whiterose
Moderator

I am a recovering "people pleaser". It is a sad way to live. I think that I lived that way so many years because I felt beneath others. I wanted everyone's approval to boast my self esteem.

It is great to have approval but not at the cost of my serenity. If I believe that what I do is right, and RIGHT FOR ME, then I must be a grown up and not worry about the nay sayers. Do they come to me for permission to do the things they do? Nope, not at all.

We are all different and all have different opinions (like Passon. said). Listen to all of it and then take what you need... leave the rest here. Good luck! :)

Hi. I just wanted to briefly introduce myself. I have been viewing this site for several months (I was so happy to find it) but have never added a thread of my own until today. My situation is as follows: I am 35 and my young man is 21. We've been married 2 years this coming November. Which makes both of us very happy. We've had our ups and downs like any relationship I guess. The problem is actually with me a lot of the time. I find that I am the self-conscious one that cares about what everyone thinks when we're out, etc... He doesn't seem to have any problem with it.
Some days it is quite difficult for me. It's not that I look so much older than him. I actually look young for my age. And he''s not the first yound man I've been with. I think much of this is in my head. Any advice.?

I can tell you from personal experience that this is normal to feel that way. Social discremination is not only about AG relationships. There is also race, religion. Does your happiness with him truly depends on what other might perceive of your relationship? I say "perceive" because its not everyone that have considerations on AG relationships. You know, some probably envy you! And some probably envy him. There always will be someone who dont agree with what you want out of life. The thing is to decide what really matters to you.

And dont pay attention to those that try tomake you feel like what you are feeling about this is stupid. It is NOT. Its normal cause our society has stereotypes. People in relationships that are not the "norm" goes through that.

You know that quote from a Sheryl Crow song "its not wanting what you want, its wanting what you got".
;)

blondechick - - -

Ok, I'll admit I haven't read all of the responses, but that never stops me from giving my two cents. :D

You are only 35 and I don't know how old your husband is, but I'm thinking you can't have more than a 15 year gap. Right? I think somehow younger women do let what other people think bother them more than older women do. When you reach my age, you start to realize you don't give a rat's *** what other people think. You realize you have earned the right to be happy regardless what others think. I decided I only had so many days left in my life and I was going to do what made me happy as long as it wasn't illegal and didn't hurt anyone.

Oddly enough, Joe and I have over a 25 year age gap and we don't get any strange looks or any negative remarks. And yes, he dresses like the cool guys his age because he looks hot that way and it doesn't bother me at all. He is hot and he is young . . . why should he dress like an old man??

You had stated early on in this thread that you thought your feelings might be influenced by things regarding your career, etc. If that is the case, a trip to a counselor to discuss those things, might relieve you of this feeling about your relationship.

Listen to age speaking here: If you and your husband love each other, cherish each other and can't imagine being without each other, then you should revel in that each and every day. Deep, true and undying love is a rare gift that is a once in a lifetime thing and some people don't ever find it. It took me 51 years!!

Read the thread I started called "The One" in Chit Chat. If that describes your husband, consider yourself one of the luckiest women alive and go out there and show him off to the world and tell them "HE'S MINE!!!!"

I've reread and pondered a few of the new entries made in response to my original thread. And I wanted to extend a special thanks to Yellowrose, Faith47, and Peachy for their thoughtful and helpful words. My general impression from their entries is just not to care about what others think so much. I think since this is my first (and hopefully only) marriage and I hope to spend my life with my husband/ym, I've been putting added pressures on myself and our marriage. Whereas, the younger men I dated before I met my husband 2 years ago, well, I knew they would be short term relationships, so I just went with the flow. I need to practice more of that in my marriage. There will always be "haters" out there in the world who may disagree with or even envy what others have. And there is no changing that. I will just learn to rise above it. Thanks again.

My experience on the "leave him" suggestion: I say leave well enough alone. When I was 19 I dated a 33 year old man. My family & friends told me to leave him simply because he was too old. They didn't have anything else negative to say; he was simply too old for me. He was a really nice guy, one of the best boyfriends I ever had. But they kept pressuring me & I finally left him. After that I got hooked by a real bad guy who made my life miserable. So, I made everyone else happy, but I made myself miserable.

As for the self-consciousness, I have it, too. I don't have a problem with the AG per se, but the clues that say "I'm almost 40" & "he's a young guy" bug me more than with same-age or older men. My weight is my biggest peeve. Most people gain weight with age, so I feel like that says "I'm older." I want to lose weight anyway, even with my last husband (same age), then I dated a guy 9 years older. During those relationships I wanted to lose weight, but I felt like my weight was more acceptable.

Now that I'm with a young, lean guy I feel like we're not compatible. I feel like we don't "match," not because of our ages but because of the way we present our ages. I want to be a "young 38" instead of a typical 38-year-old overweight mom. Does anyone think this makes sense? I mean, if we were the same age & I were all fit I wouldn't feel compatible with a dumpy guy. Maybe it's the thing everyone says, "it's not the age, it's the compatibility level," & physical appearance is one area of compatibility, whether it be clothing style, facial age appearance or physical condition.

Hi, Blondechick. I hear where you are coming from. There are times when our 14 year age gap bothers me and I feel self conscious about my looks and sometimes, people will make indirect comments which are aimed at us (like," my daughter met this guy but I told her he is too young for her"--knowing that there is an age difference between my YM and myself. These comments are hurtful and I know they are purposely meant to be hurtful. But then I think about how wonderful the last 7 years have been and how wonderful he is to me and the hell with what others think. They are envious of our great relationship and how well he treats me. Life is so short so I'm going to enjoy every minute of it. Mean, unhappy people will talk about others no matter what they are doing, so don't let them get to you. Enjoy your husband and be happy.

To Mama and May 50:

I really enjoy returning to this site to keep finding more and more helpful advice.
Thanks for the advice. And I know what you're both saying is right. Sometimes in my daily life, I just forget to relax and enjoy my marriage. It's going on 2 years already. I can't believe it!
Like, I mentioned earlier, when I simply "dated" younger men, I didn't ever let the age difference bother me. But, at the time, I was caught up in a destructive lifestyle (for several years) so the age of who I was dating didn't seem to matter. Now that I am living a responsible life, with my husband, it feels like a "real" choice. A lifelong choice that may scare me at times.
But I am learning to stop caring about what others think. Slowly but surely. We've also worked together for the past year and a half at that complicates things even more at times. Thanks again.

Quick question: How do you pull quotes from entries to refer to?

To Mama and May 50:

I really enjoy returning to this site to keep finding more and more helpful advice.
Thanks for the advice. And I know what you're both saying is right. Sometimes in my daily life, I just forget to relax and enjoy my marriage. It's going on 2 years already. I can't believe it!
Like, I mentioned earlier, when I simply "dated" younger men, I didn't ever let the age difference bother me. But, at the time, I was caught up in a destructive lifestyle (for several years) so the age of who I was dating didn't seem to matter. Now that I am living a responsible life, with my husband, it feels like a "real" choice. A lifelong choice that may scare me at times.
But I am learning to stop caring about what others think. Slowly but surely. We've also worked together for the past year and a half at that complicates things even more at times. Thanks again.

Quick question: How do you pull quotes from entries to refer to?

You click on quote at the bottom of the post and it goes right into the reply to thread box. The quote is at the top and you can just space down and add your reply.

You click on quote at the bottom of the post and it goes right into the reply to thread box. The quote is at the top and you can just space down and add your reply.


Hey great. Thanks May 50!