Emotional Repression Issues

Want to get some thoughts from others on the following:

The last relationship my OW was in was a very bad one. The man was alcoholic, and was apparently very abusive to her. I knew her as a casual friend at the time that She was going through this, and was pretty worried about her.

While we have developed a very solid friendship over the past several months, I worry that SHe is still suffering inside from what She went through. She seems very heavy hearted. She rarely laughs, even when we see funny movies and T.V. programs. When we see romantic movies, She does seem to feel good. She starts smiling, and just seems to feel much better.

She's known for a pretty long time now that I'm ready to listen if She needs to talk about what She went through. The most She has ever told me, though, is that her break-up with him had all the classic earmarkings of an abused woman. She speaks about it in a detached way, almost as if She is speaking about another person. This She told me recently, and was a first step. Previously, She was borderline hostile regarding my concern. She'd say "I don't want to talk about it", and in a rather defensive tone which told me not to dare approach the issue.

OVerall, there seem to be communication problems in my relationship with this woman. I have been very open and honest with her. She tells me that I have been, and that She values it. I don't feel like She has reciprocated this, though, resulting in me feeling as if I don't really know her. I have told her that I want to know what is on her heart because I love her. She has been great about listening to my feelings, and I want to do for her what SHe has done for me. Seeing her deprive herself of happiness is something I don't wnat to see. I want to see her come to terms with her emotions so She can feel great, and so we can take our friendship to the level of dating. SHe knows that I love her, and I am ready for dating. We can't go on to this level, though, when She has chains around her heart. I want to see her break free of the memories and any feelings of personal failure she is holding inside. It is so difficult ot know She is hurting, to want to feel her pain when She is emotionally inside a shell. If She can just break free and let her feelings out, I know She will feel great. If She stays inside this shell, though, I don't see how I can ever fully reach her. We will lose our chance at true love.

Buffeaut, I feel with you, cause this is a very difficult situation for both you and your lady.
I don't know how long it is since the break between her and that other man, but I know that I used years to heal from the abuse I went through with the dad of my youngest kid.
I keep some of it locked up inside me, and I refused to acknowledge to myself that this had even happened to me. I used to say that this was a closed book.
The break between me and him was in 1998 and I didn't open up and talk about all that stuff before I met my husband, so it took me 7 years to talk about all of it.

So my advice to you is to ofer to listen to her when she is read to talk and not force the issue, cause that will most likely just close her up even more :(
There is also one more thing about abused women you have to consider, most of them feel that they were to blame for a lot of the abuse they went through, and that also make them ashamed to tell anyone what really went on.
That was the case with the stuff I locked up inside myself, case I went along with the abuse, I allowed it to happen :mad: I know now that the case was that he was the one that used his "power" to make it happen, and I couldn't fight back.
Just like a STRONG man beating up someone weaker, he was beating me up emotional.

Buffeaut, I feel with you, cause this is a very difficult situation for both you and your lady.
I don't know how long it is since the break between her and that other man, but I know that I used years to heal from the abuse I went through with the dad of my youngest kid.
I keep some of it locked up inside me, and I refused to acknowledge to myself that this had even happened to me. I used to say that this was a closed book.
The break between me and him was in 1998 and I didn't open up and talk about all that stuff before I met my husband, so it took me 7 years to talk about all of it.

So my advice to you is to ofer to listen to her when she is read to talk and not force the issue, cause that will most likely just close her up even more :(
There is also one more thing about abused women you have to consider, most of them feel that they were to blame for a lot of the abuse they went through, and that also make them ashamed to tell anyone what really went on.
That was the case with the stuff I locked up inside myself, case I went along with the abuse, I allowed it to happen :mad: I know now that the case was that he was the one that used his "power" to make it happen, and I couldn't fight back.
Just like a STRONG man beating up someone weaker, he was beating me up emotional.

What Joelstrouble says is so true, you cannot force the issue. The more you try and force it the more it feels, to someone that is trying to deal with it, like heading down the same road again ............. I know that it is not fair, however if you care about someone that has been through bad stuff, you have to give them the time and space to feel safe enough to tell you about it, which can take a very long time.

In my case, I am a lot like your Lady, Buffeaut, I get very defensive when anyone asks me about the abuse I suffered during my 1st and 3rd marriages (was divorced by my 3rd husband over 13 years ago now). Part of the reason I get so defensive is that I know that people have a hard time even believing what went on in those marriages and I know, from experiance, that it changes the way people view me.


My advice to you is to stop dwelling on it, let her know you are there to listen if she wants/needs to talk about it ........ Also bear in mind that it takes a long time to heal and she may not be ready for a relationship...... Past abuse, of any kind, makes it very hard to fully trust another person again :(

Buffy the (Emotional) Vampire slayer!

Your intentions are noble sir,...but...

Go with extreme caution Sir Knight, ...time heals all wounds, don't try to re-open half-healed wounds with wellmeaning but inept hands...it wd make it raw...

Mind-Healing is often a long-drawn process...

Buffeaut I want to see her break free of the memories and any feelings of personal failure she is holding inside. It is so difficult ot know She is hurting, to want to feel her pain when She is emotionally inside a shell. If She can just break free and let her feelings out, I know She will feel great. If She stays inside this shell, though, I don't see how I can ever fully reach her. We will lose our chance at true love.

What you want to happen quickly....is not always such an instant situation for others....

Its always easier to see what 'other' people should do, and how THEY should break out of their shell or whatever the case may be....

But you are not her Buffs.....and everyone needs the amount of time that it just 'takes'....you can't rush it....and she will heal when she allows herself to....

I know you want to help her....,but all you can do it be patient.....

You cannot lose a chance at true love....when you never had it in the first place....

If you lose this one, for what~ever reason....then that was just how it was meant to be....Im sorry that is such a 'cop~out' response....But thats just how it IS sometimes....

You have to take this one for what it is....and hope that it improves....Other than that....there is little more you can do....

If She can just break free and let her feelings out, I know She will feel great. If She stays inside this shell, though, I don't see how I can ever fully reach her. We will lose our chance at true love.

Ditto on what the others said! You sound like a wonderful compassionate person, but try to realize that these wounds of hers will take time to heal. No one person, or event will suddenly make them disappear... it's a gradual process.

If you love her, you have accept she "is where she is" and be patient. I can see where it would be tempting to try and drag her into "accelerated recovery" so that your needs might be more fully met, but trust me...... focusing too much on her pain can be the equivalent of what happens when you shine a magnifying glass on something, and the warm healing sun keeps beating down on it. What happens? It starts to burn.

A therapist is trained to drag people into the light and help them work thru it, and possibly that would help her. Just be there as you've been and don't push. If true love was meant to be for you two..... it'll happen. If at some point, she isnt willing to help herself thru the process of getting better, you may have to move on. Don't "lose yourself" trying to fix her. Good luck to you.

Gypsy

And frequently, people who have been in abusive relationships have experienced prior abuse going back to childhood. So this might be a much bigger problem in her life than it looks to you, and may affect her ability to relate at a far deeper level than you think. Gypsy is so right (welcome back Gypsy!) that it is the job of a professional to handle a deep-seated issue of this type.

I have to say that it may be your values of not being intimate before marriage that may have made her feel safe enough to go even this far in a relationship. Some people seek out situations (usually subconsciously) that will remain on a limited basis because they are not ready for the whole enchilada (people who are attracted to those who are married or otherwise unavailable sometimes fall into this category). Many will stay at that level, going from limited situation to limited situation, and it is often the threat that something could become deeper than they are able to handle that prompts them to seek the next limited (safe) situation.

Frankly I think putting artificial brakes on things can invite just such problems as you are having because they disallow a full investigation of what people get themselves into, I will refrain from saying more on that subject unless asked.

My heart goes out to you, but I agree with those who are telling you that can't force the issue. I think also you need to really examine your motives here. Is this desire to heal her/free her for you? Or her? I don't want you to take this as an accusation; its not meant that way at all. Its just that if you are pushing because you have a rosey vision of what might be, you are likely to be disappointed. My sense from your very first post was that she wasn't and isn't looking for what you are looking for. If she is operating from any sort of a traditional religious perspective, she may deep down just feel this is all wrong!

If as suggested, there are previous life issues that are currently limiting her openess, they are probably more than you can tackle. I am reminded here of the posts by Fuscarelli. I think patience and friendship are what are required of you here. I think you do need to talk about this, but there is a fine line between opening lines of communication and obsessing to the point of driving her further into her shell. If you are trying to clear a path after a storm, you are probably better off moving the debris by hand. If you move in there with dynamite, you just might blow up the whole road. If you find there are obstacles that are too big to clear by hand, ya let the professionals handle them.

I want to say "Thank You" to each and every one of you for your helpful advice. A multiplicity of opinions is awesome when one is searching for answers such as I have been searching for. Your opinions have helped me to pour metaphorical cement into my decision to do the following:


I will remain the best friend of my OW, and I will not waiver in this. She is a sweet, dear person, and I will continue to be her best friend. She needs me to do this. Her best friend is all She is ready for, though, so I am not going to even expect our friendship to go to the next level. If that starts to happen at some point, awesome!! I am not going to even hope for it, though, or even expect it to ever happen. She knows how I feel, and has kept my cards. When She is ready is ready to be more than friends, it will be up to her to let me know. I have expended enough emotional energy on this. If She wants more than friendship, from here on, She needs to make the move.

Hiya Buffy,

I feel for you, and I hope that this relationship works out for you. I have been through some abusive relationships myself, and I hope that what I have to share with you will help in some way.

Abused people often experience great betrayal and pain due to opening up in the way you want your friend to open up to you. I can see why she would find these kinds of inquisitions quite threatening, like an attack of sorts, even though you don't mean it taht way of course. The sort of information you are seeking.....about her deepest feelings, vulnerabilites, and fears...is a weapon that can be used against her, and she knows from experience what that feels like; how it can destroy you.

You may think that knowing all your lady's weak points is `bonding', but an abuser uses such information to emotionally cripple the victim. Its is an indescribable pain to experience this betrayal, especially from someone you trust. Once you've experienced this, you don't go around confiding in people. You take time to work them out, and even then you'll think twice before giving anyone the power to hurt you like that again, especially the people who are close to you.

I think you'd have more success with dating this lady if you just chilled out and stopped the inquisitions for a while. I would be turned off by such behaviour myself, and I have been free of abuse for many years now.


.

Buffeaut

I will remain the best friend of my OW, and I will not waiver in this. She is a sweet, dear person, and I will continue to be her best friend. She needs me to do this. Her best friend is all She is ready for, though, so I am not going to even expect our friendship to go to the next level. If that starts to happen at some point, awesome!! I am not going to even hope for it, though, or even expect it to ever happen. She knows how I feel, and has kept my cards. When She is ready is ready to be more than friends, it will be up to her to let me know. I have expended enough emotional energy on this. If She wants more than friendship, from here on, She needs to make the move.

Your doing the right thing there Buffs....;) I really do hope it all works out for you in the end :)

Thanks. I hope it does too. I'm just letting go and letting God from now on.