Omigosh—the gay thing?

After reading the Terry McMillan thread, I decided to go ahead and put this one out there to see what y'all think.

I'm inclined to wonder if my YM has, ahem, gay tendencies. (I'm not homophobic, nor upset or worried about these things—BUT sometimes I'm oblivious to the signs of someone being gay because I kind of don't care. HOWEVER, I've never knowingly dated anyone who isn't quite straight. Or a beautiful YM, ha ha :rolleyes: )

So. Here's this sexy, masculine (not a gay-exclusive trait I know) guy, 27. He clearly likes women. He's a swell lover and he's very attentive. He's divorced, married not very long to a woman 5 years younger than he and divorced for about a year and a half I think. I've known him from work for about a year, we've dated about 5 months, from right before my divorce to now very frequently. It's getting more intense (I'm p-o'd at him at the moment because he hasn't called in two days but that's a different story.)

He looks good and he's very vain, with a kind of edgy look. A few tattoos, nipple rings, the usual. ;) He seems to get hit on a lot by men. Not a sign of anything, but... we were talking about a gay issue once and he said, "Yeah, I thought about being gay once but you can't [biologically] have children with them and men are a pain." Ha ha (no offense guys, cause he's a guy). This guy will also say anything; he usually means it but he doesn't care what anybody thinks. I like this about him, particularly since he's 13 years younger than I.

OK, no kidding—his favorite possession is his firemen calendar. He lifts weights and is in great shape and obviously admires men's physiques. Because he wants to be like them, or... he LIKES them? :rolleyes: At work (a new job), he says the other guys look at him funny because he'll make a remark about a guy, but then in the next minute he'll make a remark about a woman. I do know he's not satisfied enough with his physique and works on building himself up more. Perhaps it's not unlike the models with great figures that some of us women put on our mirrors for incentive or inspiration.

He's very open obviously. But here's the million-dollar question for me: how open is he?? I don't expect anyone to give me answers about a guy they don't know. But, how does this sound to you? Also, I'll add I've never noticed anything about him, in his interactions with other people at work etc that would ever make me think he was gay. But as I'm sleeping with him I know he's sexually open. A thrill-seeker?

welllllllllll, we live in a different time than these days, i noticed that in the twenty something generation there has been alot of experimentation with bi sexuality, for me, its not my thing, yet some how it did get more acceptable. i have had long term relationships with men who admitted in experimenting when they were younger, it did not turn me off or scare me, in fact i felt more comfortable with their honesty then the ones who reacted so strongly with the very mention of a gay encounter.

what i did notice is that they guys who did experiment went on to say it was NOT for them but lived thru the experience and were fine with it, they also were comfortable around gay people, less judgemental.

my husband is also a bit edgy and has had guys come on to him, he does not over react and either makes a joke or ignores it, its not a real big deal to us, i also have had young women make passes at my husband, he jokes less with them and lets them know first hand that he is with me, the younger women are more likely to make a comment on our relationship then a gay man making a pass at my husband, the men who did make a pass at him, worked with him so they already knew he was straight, but he played along and teased back and it was fine. no big deal.

bottom line we are in a committed relationship, there is no room for other people regardless of their sexual preference.

My husband has admitted to finding other men attractive, (he notices attractive people in general ) and even once kissed a man friend of his (just to see what it was like ..the fellow had a moustache), but he would not ever be in a gay relationship because he really likes women better. Pretty much ditto to what Kitty said. As long as you are in a comitted relationship I wouldn't worry too much.

Uh HE'S GAY!! Is that so wrong?!! :p Super!! :eek: :rolleyes:

It is possible he's bisexual. I've known a LOT of bisexual men. Seems to be a trend or something. *shrug*

But, if he's with you ~ meh. Leave it alone, unless he brings up wanting a threesome with another dude. Then ya got problems.
~phos

He could be bi-courious.

From what I understand the sexual orentation of a person is something that cant be detected. Gay-Vision, normally does work....but in a lot of cases it does not.

Have you asked if he's had a bi-sexual relationship before?.

You're having a sexual relationship with him so when you asked him about his past sexual experiences .......what did he say ???

You did ask...........didnt you?

Could be gay, could be bi, could be just edgy. One thing seems clear; he doesn't seem very satisfied with his appearance and I think that could be a real downer in a relationship. Sort of like us OW complaining about our wrinkles and cellulite. Have a friend who is a drummer in a punk band. He is uber-edgy and does a lot of gender bending stuff on stage. People who don't know him well, including his mother, are not quite sure and he LOVES tweeking their curiosity. The fact of the matter is, he is exclusively hetero. But he'll be the first to gloat that some guy pinched his ***. To him it simply means he's pushing the envelope and that's his job. :)

Jeremy gets hit on by gay men and has been told by ex girlfriends that he has a lot of "feminine" traits. He goofs around with buddies in a "gay" way, but he has NO interest in men that way. He wants to increase his physical appearance as well. He's not homophobic and very open.
With all that, I'd wonder about him if he had a calendar with firemen and frequently made comments on how "hot" another guy was. However, he gets the "heebee geebees" if the "gay play" goes too far, so he's definitely a man who loves women only.

Young gay men are notoriously non-committal & promiscuious. So, without a declaration of undying love and committment from him, yes, personnally I'd be worried that I'd get dumped so he could go play.

:eek: :eek: :eek:

Have you asked him if he's bi or bi-curious?

You should just be prepared for what you are going to feel and say if he says yes before you go that route ....

I hope that it goes without saying that you are diligent about using protection, right?

I work in the commercial contemporary dance industry, and have several gay friends and associates ( just as a side note....there are an equal number of male hetero professional dancers in the industry- maybe even a few more. Contrary to the common stereotyping, male dancers are NOT all gay. My exym was a prefessional dancer and straight as a board. Let me tell ya, you can't beat being loved by an artistic, emotionally-in-touch, loves-to-talk-AND LISTEN, handsome, fit, guy who DANCES and "gets it" about us women, who is also 100% testosterone-driven hunky, hetero MAN! :D ).

Anyway....I read your original post to my two gay friends (partners) and they laughed responding, "Honey, the guy is GAY! Do you want to see our firemen calendar, it's hanging in the kitchen :D ...."

They're so cute...
But, seriously, you do know that gay men LOVE women, right?...many have relationships with women before they come to grips with their sexuality, and some even after. They are fascinated by our femininity, our curves, our beauty, etc....So, to just experience great love making with a man who obviously "loves women" does not rule out that he may be gay (or bi, or undecided at this point).
I would just be careful to guard your heart if you think you are falling for him, ALWAYS practice safe sex...and seriously? Just ask him where he stands...I don't think he'll be offended since he's already talked to you openly about all of his seemingly gay-like behaviors, etc.
Best!

Thanks guys, for your replies, insights, advice, etc. They were great responses and I got more help than I even expected.

I think since I've known him for a good while before getting involved with him, and knowing he was divorced and dated women etc in the past, it never dawned on me he might be "bi-curious," bi, gay, or whatever the case may be. And so these things about him come later in the acquaintance, if that makes sense, so just now am I sifting through them. But I'm glad this comes relatively early in the romantic relationship, because whether he has gay leanings or not, this is a romantic relationship.

Yes, we're careful about protection etc, and yes, we've talked about history, which for both of us have mainly been marriage, but yes, I really do just need to ask him if he's had a homosexual relationship before. Just to know—and the person who suggested he's been open thus far and should have no problem answering such a question, is right on the money. I'm a bit shy coming out with stuff like that, but he's opened the door to ask and it's silly not to. Not to mention, I'm just downright dying to know!

If he is "bi-curious" — which makes some sense to me — then I can live with that so long as he's not seeking male, or female!, company.... however, yep, y'all are right again in protecting the heart will be that much more important. It is also true we are in an exclusive relationship —haven't said "committed" yet because it's rather too early — and that his feelings for me are real I've no reason to doubt (sure knows how to please a woman, no matter which way is really up!), but if there's still room for stuff — any stuff — on the side, then that'll be cause for trouble.

Can't wait to have a little conversation with him tonight. :D

If he is "bi-curious" — which makes some sense to me — then I can live with that so long as he's not seeking male, or female!, company.... however, yep, y'all are right again in protecting the heart will be that much more important. It is also true we are in an exclusive relationship —haven't said "committed" yet because it's rather too early — and that his feelings for me are real I've no reason to doubt (sure knows how to please a woman, no matter which way is really up!), but if there's still room for stuff — any stuff — on the side, then that'll be cause for trouble.

Can't wait to have a little conversation with him tonight. :D

I hope you two communicate well and manage to put your mind at ease. I just wanted t say that whether your partner is straight, gay, bisexual or a Martian you should always use protection anyhow.

Also, there could still be room for "stuff on the side" no matter WHAT his sexual preference is.

I hope when you have that conversation it ends up being more about the two of you as partners and not so much about him as a victim of stereotypes. Good luck!

OK, no kidding—his favorite possession is his firemen calendar.

oh...haha...that made me laugh Jetstream:))

I like guys like this. They are not too caught up in adhereing to gender stereotypes and are they are willing to think outside the box. Also, if he's dating you, he's probably just tuned into that thing a lot of women know already...that giving and receiving sexual validation and compliments are fun and theres no need to limit those to just one gender. Girls compliment each other all the time and call each other `gorgeous'....so I think its cool that guys can do that too.

I dunno...I think he's just cool. Who cares if he could potentially be with another guy, or potentially be with a another girl....he's with you now. We all could be with someone else, but when you dig someone you stop looking. He has stopped looking right:)

OK, no kidding—his favorite possession is his firemen calendar.

I dunno...I think he's just cool. Who cares if he could potentially be with another guy, or potentially be with a another girl....he's with you now. We all could be with someone else, but when you dig someone you stop looking. He has stopped looking right:)

Right on, Bella! Thanks for that. Your post was really heartening. I think he's just cool too. I think you're absolutely right in that people's attraction to either sex can be limited to an openness about admiring other people physically... Last night my YM and I truly happened to be on a subject of someone who is bi (comedienne Margaret Cho, who just totally cracks me up) and I just asked him if he'd had any experiences with men. Because given the way we talk, it seemed natural. He actually seemed surprised and said, "Well, if I went that way I wouldn't be here, would I..." and we kind of shrugged and moved on in the same direction we usually end up moving in. I just think that he's so upfront about everything all the time, and says some things for shock value, he just would've told me the truth.

But I also agree, regardless of who else he could be with right now, by all appearances, actions and words, and a basic trust in him that I have, he's stopped looking.

Thanks all of you for your support. Oh, I know.. probably some of you will think, "What a ditz! A fireman calendar! References to men! He's a flamer and she's just not seeing it!" Haha. But, I'm going to keep on keeping on in the direction we've been going in and see what happens. ;) Because this is good.

Hey there again jetstream!

Well today a couple of the female students at the uni explained that the term for this new type of guy who has all the traits of a cool gay guy but prefers women is `meterosexual'.

What a relief...I was getting tired of all the tidy, good looking, guys who can cook, dress well and listen empathetically switching camps:))

Hey there again jetstream!

Well today a couple of the female students at the uni explained that the term for this new type of guy who has all the traits of a cool gay guy but prefers women is `meterosexual'.

What a relief...I was getting tired of all the tidy, good looking, guys who can cook, dress well and listen empathetically switching camps:))

meterosexual? lol r u serious? thats new to me :p

Actually, we're talking about "metrosexual" in another thread, too.

It's not a bad thing, Scott. Just cause a guy is straight doesn't mean he can only like "manly" sports, can't see a playonly eat buffolo wings and have a personal hygene regiment consisting only brushing his teeth and rinsing the cheap shampoo out of his hair.

For years women have been telling their straight men how sexy gay men are. Why do you think that is?

Cause a man who has clear skin, shining hair, white teeth, smells great, doesn't have extra hair all over and can dress himself without matching little animals is SEXY.

Are they all that way naturally? NO! They use products to look that good. They aren't afraid to use face cream and whitening strips. They are afraid to look at fashion mags for ideas. They aren't afraid to wax or pluck that hair.

Not only that, these guys like culture - they like plays or musicals and art museums and alternative films. They like fine food and a classy atmosphere. They like a lot of those things that are attributed to being "gay" but they are 100% heterosexual man. And they get women by the droves.

But many guys would rather do what is acceptable to their buddies, so they don't get called a "flamer" cause everyone knows that women always prefer flannel to silk, football to broadway, hairy backs to smooth skin, underarm deodorant to fine cologne, fast food to a nice dinner...well, you get the point.

(PS. This whole post is tongue in cheek and not meant to insult anyone. :p )

only eat buffolo wings

MmmmmmMMmMMmMmmmm....buffalo wings!

Man I could just live on those. :D

LOL! Ironically, so could I! :p (Lately I'm into a local place's Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ wings) I guess I thought of Buffalo wings 'cause of "Hooters".

hehehe:)...good post Krisitin!