Humor/ jokes

post your jokes here people!

I'll go first,

Q: How do you embaress an Archaeologist?

A: give em a used tampon and ask them which period it came from!

:eek: Good one, Scott.

How about...

A man walks into a bar and goes, "Ouch."

and

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Cuz he heard the ref was blowing fowls.

:eek:
~phos

LOL

*ahem* i'd post, but the only ones i know from memory are all errrrrummmm dirty.

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.''

The first priest says, ''No, son, you're not Jesus Christ.''

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ''No, son, you're not Jesus Christ.''

The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?'' :eek: :p :D

Why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?




Because he didn't have the guts.

:)

My sister just sent me this one and it CRACKED ME UP. *disclaimer: the poster does not necessarily AGREE with the sentiment, just finds enormous humor in it...

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy......

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And... Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

post your jokes here people!

I'll go first,

Q: How do you embaress an Archaeologist?

A: give em a used tampon and ask them which period it came from!

HA HA HA :rolleyes:

Two men walked into a bar....the third one ducked!

Two guys are walking down the street and one of them spots a dog licking himself.

He turns to his friend and says "Gee, wish I could do that"

And his friend responds "Well, maybe if you pet him first..."

Q: What goes "clip-clop-clip-clop-clip-clop...BANG"?

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Ok...Ive got a couple. Im a huge fan of pirate jokes. Feel free to groan. *grin*

Have you heard about that new pirate movie?

-Its rated AAAARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!! :D



What's it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

-A Buck-an-ear


So...a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey mate....you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate looks at him and says "Yeah...and she's driving me nuts!"

How did Helen Keller burn her face?



she answered the iron.


How'd she burn the other side of her face?







they called back.

What cheese isn't yours????




NACHO cheese!!!!!

Ok...Ive got a couple. Im a huge fan of pirate jokes. Feel free to groan. *grin*

Have you heard about that new pirate movie?

-Its rated AAAARRRRRRGGGGG!!!!! :D



What's it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?

-A Buck-an-ear


So...a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey mate....you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?

The pirate looks at him and says "Yeah...and she's driving me nuts!"

Ooh, ooh. I love those ones, and I have a couple too:

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they yaaaarrrgh!




What's a pirates favourite rock band?

The yaaaarrrghdbirds.

(okay, I made the 2nd one up myself :rolleyes: )

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00

Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.


Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter,
kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it
back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up mess.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard
along with drain plug.

27. Drink beer.

28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

29. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

30. Drink beer.

31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw wrench.

35. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992
in the left b00b.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
step 23.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Make bail.

50. Get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts - $50.00

DUI - $2500.00

Impound fee - $75.00

Bail - $1500.00

Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00

But you know the job was done right!

did you guys hear about that 'mad cow' that was in the news a while back?

I actually cut out the articles and hung them up on my fridge.

They were all I had to remember my ex by! :D

HA HA HA :rolleyes:

oh wow ur gonna be an Archaeologist? Thats cool
hope my joke wasn't out of line for you. :) hehe

The Top 5 reasons why singer songwriter 'R Kelly' was found unconscience

#5. To much Crack macaroni and weed

#4. Ruben Studdard sat on him

#3. Black republicans are growing in number

#2. To many FreakEnd WeekEnds

#1. R Kelly believed he could fly :p

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"?

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, Liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more
time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After
her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you
said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path
of the ambulance?"

God replied, Giiiiiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

Q: How do you embaress an Archaeologist?

A: give em a used tampon and ask them which period it came from!

Oh, God, I have to send that one to some arch friends of mine!




http://img281.imageshack.us/img281/7007/830051383808ju.png

The results of a poll made by United Nations came out.

The question was:

"Please, tell us honestly what is your opinion about the abundance vs scarcity of food in the rest of the world."

The results were as follows:


- The Europeans did not understand what was meant by "scarcity".

- The Africans did not understand “abundance.”

- The Americans asked the meaning of the "rest of the world".

- The Chinese, puzzled, asked for an explanation of "opinion".

- Meanwhile, in the Italian Parliament, they are still debating the meaning
of "honestly". :eek:


:p :D

Classic Europen Heaven & Hell


Heaven : Where cooks are French, mechanics are German, police is English, lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell: Where cooks are English, mechanics are French, police is Germans, lovers are Swiss and everything is organized by the Italians.


:D :eek: :p

Nationalities:


- A cruise ship captain has to convince the passengers of his sinking ship to jump overboard. He has to use a different approach with each European.

- He tells the English it would be unsporting of them not to jump.

- He tells the French it would be the smart thing to do.

- He tells the Germans that it is an order.

- And he tells the Italians that jumping overboard is forbidden.


:p ;) :D

True story from 10-7.com..




WOMBLED JURDS....I MEAN JUMBLED WORDS...


A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A Fu(k-UP!"

For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large.

In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fu(k-up!"

How did Helen Keller burn her face?



she answered the iron.


How'd she burn the other side of her face?





they called back.

lol :p

thats pretty darn funny trace

lol :p

thats pretty darn funny trace


Scott!!!! (lol, i think of the mom evil scientist on Austin Powers every time i say your name)

why are you bald?

By following the simple advice of friend who recently watched a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around the place to see what things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.



You have no idea how awesome I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

By following the simple advice of friend who recently watched a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around the place to see what things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.



You have no idea how awesome I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

ROFL! good one Des ;)

By following the simple advice of friend who recently watched a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around the place to see what things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.



You have no idea how awesome I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

ROFLMAO !!!

By following the simple advice of friend who recently watched a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around the place to see what things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.



You have no idea how awesome I feel.

Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

LOL Hilariousssssss!

--------

Regarding the Movie 'Napoleon Dynamite'

Q: what did pedro say to his Girlfriend before they were gonna do the deed?

A: little pedro offers you his protection (condom) hehe

"It was the best Thanksgiving EVER! Not emotionally, of course. But the turkey was soooo moist." ~ Homer Simpson

A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.

He wanted a truck.

She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale......

Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were aghast, amazed, astonished, astounded, bemused, benumbed, bewildered, confounded, confused, dazed, dazzled, disconcerted, disoriented, dumbstruck, electrified, flabbergasted, horrified, immobilized, incredulous, nonplussed, overwhelmed, paralyzed, perplexed, scared, shocked, startled, stunned, stupified, surprised, taken aback, traumatized, upset. . . .

— joke circulated on the Internet, December 2003

Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were aghast, amazed, astonished, astounded, bemused, benumbed, bewildered, confounded, confused, dazed, dazzled, disconcerted, disoriented, dumbstruck, electrified, flabbergasted, horrified, immobilized, incredulous, nonplussed, overwhelmed, paralyzed, perplexed, scared, shocked, startled, stunned, stupified, surprised, taken aback, traumatized, upset. . . .

— joke circulated on the Internet, December 2003


ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Man....I am crying out of laugh!
Thanks Chatter... :D

I think this one was in a different thread, but it still cracks me up -

A cop pulls over a car that has been swerving side to side in the road.

He walks up to the car and a blonde rolls down the window.

"Miss," he asks, "are you driving under the influence? Why are you driving side to side like that?"

"I'm trying to avoid hitting all the pine trees, Officer!" she replies.

The officer rolls his eyes and says, "Miss, that's your car freshener!"

dirty joke, may I mods ?

Two women discussing:

(1) "do you smoke after making love ?"
(2) " I don't know.. I've never looked"

ok. a blonde joke :eek:


A guy took a blonde out on a date.

Eventually they ended up parked at lover's point where they started making out.

After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"No!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"No!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.

"Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again.

"No!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands, "Well why not?"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

Youngest son asked his father: "Daddy what is the difference
between "potential" and "reality"?
*
Dad: I will show you, Dad turned to his wife and ask her: "Would you
sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 Million Dollars?
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity
to be a millionaire"

Then Dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Will Smith for 2
million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will, that's my fantasy"
*
So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him: Son, will you sleep with
Denzel Washington for 1 Million dollars?
Elder Son replied: " Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1
Million dollars, I would never hesitate!"
*
So the Father turns to his younger son and said: "You see
son, "POTENTIALLY" we are sitting on 4 Million dollars, But
in "REALITY" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay! :eek:

That's funny Faith, which reminds me...

You know in the States you have the jokes about the Polish , in France the Belgians in Lebanon it's about the Syrians.

So, why do the busses drive horizontally in Syria ?
Because everybody wants to sit next to the driver.

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh!" said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What
are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh!" said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that he told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

LOL...good one! :D

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce."


The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out
of it,"he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more
tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 mph.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to
60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards
and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there
anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No,
I've got
everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to
him and smiles.


...."The airbag."....

Never underestimate how a woman thinks.

A man sees an ad in the newspaper, "2005 Porsche Cabriolet, 20,000 miles, $50.00." Now he knows this has got to be a typo, but it would still be an excellent buy at $50,000 so he calls and gets directions.

He gets to the house and the lady shows him the car, lets him test drive it, and finds it to be in perfect condition. "Okay," he says, "I'm interested. What's the asking price?" "$50.00," she says. "$50.00????," he yells, "Are you crazy?" "$50.00," she responds calmly. Exasperated he said, "Look lady, I don't want to take advantage of you, when will your husband be home?""Oh," she said, "he's not coming home. He sent a message that he had moved to Belize with his secretary and asked me to sell his car and send him the money."

The man handed her $50.00 and drove away with his new Porshe!

A red neck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the
man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38! "
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in,he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

ROFLMAO Trace! Those 2 are SOOO funny!
Keep em coming girlie :D

Three Feelings :

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic ?

Stress is when wife is pregnant

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant

And Panic is when both are pregnant.


================================================

Chinese Adam and Eve :

If Adam and Eve were Chinese
We would still be in paradise because we Chinese would have ignored the
apple and eaten the snake !

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

http://www.comics.com/creators/bc/archive/images/bc2002713250928.gif

http://www.comics.com/comics/brevity/archive/images/brevity2732580051003.jpg

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's a$$ came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story. When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's a$$.

..... and you thought being a HORSE'S A$$ wasn't important! :eek:

Several Years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canadians didn't really trust the British or German studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Canadian study was complete, and came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

Roflmao !!!!!

Anger Management: It can work for you too!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call to a business associate that I'd forgotten to make. I found her number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f***in' number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I checked Robyn's number again before redialing, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word "a**hole" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a**hole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telstar. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window that included his phone number, so I wrote it down.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a**hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called A**hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Come on over, A**hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole," and hung up.

Then I called A**hole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a**hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down on Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly




A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

1. Men are like ... Laxatives...They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .Bananas ...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like ...Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ..Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ...Parking Spots.. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

:p

Still living at home and expecting to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over $20 million dollars." The woman went home with Robert that night. And four days later she became his stepmother.

Men will never learn...

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders,
using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of
lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and
flavor.

The children began:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.......orange."

Then the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored lifesaver.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the
taste. "Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,
"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.*

Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



(Not me. The weirdness is the best part!)

ROFL, SoraNoYume!!!! I copied it to e-mail with a note: "Laugh because it's funny, cry because it's true."

Science Goddess, you reminded me of this one but you'll have to be of a certain age to get it:

At Woodstock 2000 an announcement was made from the stage by a middle-aged hippie to the middle-aged crowd: "People! Peeeeooooople! Listen up! We just got word that there's some bad antacid going around."

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The >mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots

**(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.**


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has NEVER had an
accident.

*wiping the tears...*

best i've heard in a while geg! thanks for the laugh!!

*wiping the tears...*

best i've heard in a while geg! thanks for the laugh!!


....:D....

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he

turned over to his wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and

she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the

kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting

up, John called his little boy into the room and asked

him to take this note to your beautiful Mommy."

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,

The Canvas Is Spread,

The Hell With Breakfast,

Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked

her son to take this to Daddy.

Her note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,

Put The Canvas Away,

The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,

No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.

Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in

the kitchen."

His note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,

And The Canvas Still Spread,

So Drop What You're Doing,

And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her

son to take this to the poor dude upstairs."

Her note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's

The Best In The Land.

But I'm Busy Right Now,

Do It By Hand!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

Redneck Thanksgiving :D



You Might Be A Redneck If:

You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

You've ever re-used a paper plate.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
Cool Whip on the side.

If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

Your stuffings secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

You serve Vienna Sausage as an appetizer.


Anyone Qualify?

Rejected Hallmark Cards

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:...
-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...
-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...
-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Enoch, that was hysterical!!! Man, I need those cards.....hahaha

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!

Please let me have this much of a sense of humour when I'm 96!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman. 'Atta Girl!!!)

Four mothers were sitting around the table, drinking coffee, and bragging about their sons.

The first women says, "My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, out of respect , everyone says,"Hello, Father."

The second women says, " My son is a bishop and when he walks into a room, out of respect, everyone says, Hello, My Emmenence."

The third women says, " My son is a cardinal and when he walks into a room, out of respect everyone says," Hello, Mon Seigneur."

Now the fourth women sat quietly for a few minutes after the others had finished bragging about their sons. So impatiently the other three ask, "Well?!!!"

The fourth women says, "My son is a male stripper. He stands 6'2" has blond hair, is built like an Adonus, and is hung like a horse, and when he walks into a room all the women out of respect say," OH MY GOD!!!! " :p

gtsnapper that is priceless!! I LOVE that 96 year old lady, God bless her!


Okay, now here's one that was sent to me in an email. Sorry about the caps but that's the way it was sent to me.

Hillbilly Love Poem


SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YOR MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YOR HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOR MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MORE
I KNOW ARE YOR HALF BROTHERS

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
'CAUSE YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY

Famous last words.....

Noo these windows are ok to lean on.

Don’t worry it has airbags.

Hey what’s that buzzing noise?

Don’t worry its not that deep.

One time at band camp.

No, he doesn’t bite?.

Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can pass this guy.

My brakes are fine.

Nice doggy.

I think it's trying to communicate...

"Homicidal Tendencies"?

Hey, you're Eminem, aren't you?

"Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital."

"It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du...".

"Don't touch the red button!"

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

Are you sure the power is off?

Pull the pin and count to what?

Which wire was I supposed to cut?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms. .

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson

Let it down slowly.

OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

This doesn't taste right.

I can make this light before it changes

I can do that with my eyes closed

look ma! no hands!

Hey that's not a violin.

Don't be so superstitious.

Now watch this.

More famous last words....

"Gotti, Schmotti -- Get the Hell off my lawn!"

Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now.

Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.

I dunno, press the button and find out.

Hello, is anyone home?

Oops.

Don't worry, it's not contagious.

Awright, let's see, how do we work this thing?

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

He can't hear us, he's miles away

I'll be right back.

I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.

Don't worry, we outnumber them.

Hey, what the hell??!

Hey, what's that beeping sound?

I'm sure it's just the wind.

Of course it's safe!

No, this tribe is peaceful!

No, this cannot be, I am invincible!

So, you're sure this isn't loaded?

Calm down, of course I disarmed it!

What, I never signed any organ donor papers!

Well, it can't get any worse!

C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!

Don't worry, they'll never find us in here!

William, is that you?

They can't hit us at this range!

All you have to do is connect these two wires.

There's only one way to find out...

Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best there is.

These pills are awfully small.. I'll take a few more to be sure they work.

Stupid safety labels...

No, no, these are safe, I've seen birds eat them all the time.

Watch, I'll prove it!

Blast off!

Nah, they're blanks.

Speaking of lost, where are we?

Wheeeeeeeeee!

I know this great shortcut we can take.

Is that what I think it is?

What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable.

No, no, no, let me fix it!

Those are good Enoch, I know a few of them firsthand. ;) But....

this one confuses me >>> Hey that's not a violin I don't get it.

Those are good Enoch, I know a few of them firsthand. ;) But....

this one confuses me >>> I don't get it.


Maybe its referring to how in movies guns and such are sometimes hidden in guitar and violin cases.

Hmm, I didn't know that. That's a new one on me, LOL. Thanks!! :D

Here's one my brother just sent me, just in time for the Thanksgiving hollerday.


Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Hmm, I didn't know that. That's a new one on me, LOL. Thanks!! :D

Here's one my brother just sent me, just in time for the Thanksgiving hollerday.


Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."


Thats was good. :D

On a carton of Silk (brand) Soy Milk:

"IT'S FREE! Silk Soymilk is free of lactose, dairy, cholesterol, gluten, eggs, casein, peanuts MSG and worries. You still have to pay for it though."

Hey gang,

I thought this was cute. I got a good chuckle out of it . Enjoy!!






What Word Starts With "F" and Ends With "K"?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!

I think I sho uld be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish
liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong. :p

Things that make you go Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm





Here are a few things to think about that you probably
have never thought about;

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. .
but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra
penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured
out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when
babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're
going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME
crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks
his head out the window?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in
the first place? :p

A Mexican crossed the border to give his family a better life.
He could not find work anywhere and his family was hungry.
He went to the bottom of a nearby hill, fell to his knees and
prayed; "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the Black man coming
over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery
sack and who loses a wheel of cheese.

When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar
cheese from the Black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and
lands at the Mexican's feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese,
and runs straight home.

Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs
her to make nachos.

"But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and
other things?" she inquires.

No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message...as I
ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling,

"THAT'S NACHO CHEESE !!!" :p

very cute, very cute :p

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

Larry gets home late one night, and his wife Linda says, where in the hell
have you been?

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"Whattt!!!!?? A tattoo!!?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you
get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking???" she said, shaking her head in
disdain.
"Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your dick?"

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money

Three, I like how money feels in my hand, and last,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." :p

I WANT A RAISE


I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:


* I do physical labor I work at great depths
* I plunge head first into everything i do
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off
* I work in a damp environment
*I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures


My work exposes me to contagious diseases.





Dear Penis,

After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:


* you do not work 8 hours straight
* you fall asleep after brief work periods
*you don't always follow the orders of the management team
* you do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations
* you do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* you leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift
* you don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such
as wearing protective clothing
* you will retire well before you are 65

* you are unable to work double shifts
* you sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task

And if all this is not enough, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious-looking bags.


Sincerely,


The Management

The perfect test for your husband-to-be

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. And my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."




The moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in your car.

http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/3553/121057180705gv.png

http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/3553/121057180705gv.png


This is cute SG...lol
:) ;)

Mother's Milk

Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term. The last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers mile", worth 70 points or non at all.

One student who had also partied the night before , was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He finally wrote:

1. It is a perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always available as needed.

4. It is always at the right temperature.

5. It is inexpensive.

6. It bond the child to the mother, and vice versa.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote..........


7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A"

;)

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she
told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.



Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

5 SECRETS TO A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time,
cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT THESE FOUR WOMAN DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle. The Queen pushes a button on her
intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, [censored] Cheney.
"[censored], answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child.
It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one." [censored] Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can
give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

[censored] shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

[censored] Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's
Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to [censored] Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

True Friendship

Are you tired of those sissy-*** "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry *****/bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember.......
A good friend will help you move.....
A REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......
let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

CHRISTMAS GREETINGS :D
>
>
>He laid her on the table,
>
>
>So white clean and bare,
>His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
>
>He rubbed her here and there.
>
>He touched her neck,
>Then felt her breast,
>Then drooling, felt her thigh.
>
>The slit was wet and all was set,
>He gave a joyous cry,
>The hole was wide........
>He looked inside,
>All was dark and murky,
>He rubbed his hands,
>
>And stretched his arms.........
>And then he stuffed the turkey.
>May I be the first to wish your dirty little mind a merry Christmas

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my a** with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my bu**?".

She said "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

Amen.




MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. This doesn't
rhyme and I don't give a s**!.

Amen.

A man goes into a ****tail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself....


Man: "May I buy you a ****tail?"

Lady: "No thank you; alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"

(From the Reader's Digest)

A Mom and her little girl are at the zoo and a male turtle procceds to mount a female turtle. The mother cringes when the little girl begins her question, "Mommie," but laughs and breaths a sigh of relief when she finishes her question, "Why doesn't he just go around?"

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck", he says with admiration. "Thanks!" The girl says. The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the dog's collar and the cat's testicles. The firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

:p

New Year's Resolutions:

be different
be unique
not repeat things other people say
be true to myself
be true to my own principles
be stranger than fiction
be larger than life
be actual size
except in rear-view mirrors
think for myself
think happy thoughts
think or thwim
act as I like
dress as I like
dress in drag and do the hula
vote for the candidate of my choice
whether or not they have a chance
especially if they don't have a chance
be spontanous
be spontaeneous
be spontooneous
learn how to spell that word that means doing things on the spur of the moment

http://www.geocities.com/naesezs/funny.jpg

http://images.ucomics.com/comics/bo/2006/bo060126.gif

From a movie. Man to woman: "Oh yeah, your boobs are okay, but her boobs were BIG. You could see her before she came around the corner. Had time to comb your hair."

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our
boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.


oh, okay...i know....not funny... :( hehe

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.


oh, okay...i know....not funny... :( hehe

Wrong! FUNNY!!!!! Gonna place me a personal ad, "Midget Wanted"!!!!!!!
Oooops, I mean "little person." If I could get one interested in my boobs where they are naturally, I could fire the two I have holding them up where they belong!

:eek:
Used Car
:eek:

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought ! it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

:eek:
Used Car
:eek:

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought ! it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.


OMG!!!!!!! THIS IS FUNNY!!!! (Furiously hitting "copy" and "paste" to send this to everyone I know!!!)

http://www.acclaimphotography.com/_gallery/_TN/0078-0505-1813-0145_TN.jpg http://www.acclaimphotography.com/_gallery/_TN/0078-0505-1812-5837_TN.jpg http://www.acclaimphotography.com/_gallery/_TN/0078-0505-1812-5740_TN.jpg






__________________________________________________ ______________

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.

Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'

Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a
drive-in
movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter." :p

A man wanted to get married but he was having trouble choosing among three equally lovely candidates.

To help him make a decision, he decided to give each one $5,000 to see what they did with the money.

The first has a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up, and buys several new outfits and dresses very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second went shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000 he gave her, gives him back his $5,000, and reinvests the rest in a joint account. She tells him that she's saving for their future together because she loves him so much.

Again, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. He thought long and hard, weighing each aspect of their personalities and trying to decide which one would add the most to his life. Which one would he be the most proud to have by his side? Which one did he feel he could love the most? Which one had the attributes that he most admired?
.....
.....
.....
.....
He married the one with the biggest boobs.

I'll get a world record for this..

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

Nice doggie.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Don't be so superstitious.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have
jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework,
and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



Then a new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

This is funny right? lol
http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/7105/cattrim26zg.jpg

I'll get a world record for this..

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I've seen this done on TV.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

Let it down slowly.

Rat poison only kills rats.

Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

It's strong enough for both of us.

This doesn't taste right.

Nice doggie.

I've done this before.

Well, we've made it this far.

That's odd.

Don't be so superstitious.

Stand still! It won't see you!

If you play dead, it won't hurt you.

This is funny right? lol
http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/7105/cattrim26zg.jpg


Right! Absolutely!

Oh no, I think my picture of a cat has the hots for your picture of a cat.

This is funny right? lol
http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/7105/cattrim26zg.jpg


Uh, no!

(okay, kinda...in a sick way)

Uh, no!

(okay, kinda...in a sick way)
You trying to say I am sick? lol :p

Okay, just a little tidbit of information. This picture was submitted to snopes.com and they verified that it was an untouched photo of a real cat. The owner/original poster thought the groomer said she would give it a "line" cut, but she said "lion" cut and when she saw her cat, she burst into tears!

FYI: It is a very, very, very bad lion cut!

http://static.flickr.com/16/20918345_bde6fc2d5a_m.jpg <-------he is amused by it. lol

I am very sorry that I have no picture, but I brought my dog to a groomer once and she sent it home with the world's most unbelievable haircut! She left a pompom on his tail, booties on his feet, a thing on his head that looked just like a thick powder puff, and shaved the rest of him!

I would not take him for a walk in the daylight for a month. What was even funnier is that he could have cared less! And when we did go out, he just kept bopping along just as if he looked like a regular dog!!!!! :D

This is what he was supposed to look like.
http://www.scwtca.org/graphics/body2old.jpg




___________________________________

This is funny right? lol
http://img90.imageshack.us/img90/7105/cattrim26zg.jpg

ROFL... It looks like it has saggy b00bs :D

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However,
he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just
pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However,
he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."


LOL!!!!

__________________________________________________ _____________