Sometimes love isn't enough

It is with great sadness that I come out of "lurker" mode. After 18 months, it became necessary that I end my relationship with J.

It's been a long 18 months filled with great love & happiness as well as great frustration and chaos. The final straw was the fact that he was terminated from his job (his third job in a year) and then I found out that he had no savings and no car insurance.

I was angry and said I wanted to end the relationship. He asked for one more chance, making a list of what he needed to change and said he would work on all this. Oh, he tried so hard, working diligently to fulfill his list. Although I had promised a 4 month second chance, it was painfully obvious after 4 weeks that he wasn't passionate about becoming the man he said he wanted to be.

Over the 18 months, I enabled alot of his behaviors, using his difficult childhood and lack of life experiences as a reason for his attitude. I believed that an unconditionally loving relationship would give him the comfort zone in which he could become the man he said he wanted to be. I was wrong. He always said he wanted me to be his "everything", which translated into him wanting me to take care of him. I believe that he did not file for unemployment this last time because he *K*N*E*W* I would take care of him. He was wrong.

I learned so very much from this forum. When we would go through a difficult time I would come here, view the archives and search for folks who dealt with similar issues. Sadly, they all came back to the fact that some 31 year old men just are not willing/able to grow up. I learned so much from this relationship too. I loved and was loved so very much.

His post-relationship behavior validates the immaturity and that saddens me greatly. However, I know I did the right thing, even though my heart is broken.

I am not "anti" AGRs at all - as with any relationship, it was hard work and great fun. I know that I will love again, when the waiting is full. Now it is time to heal.

Thank you to everyone who shared their stories in this forum. You have no idea how much insight and assistance you were to me.

purplelady

Nice post.

I hope you feel better.

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out for you, purplelady. I sincerely hope the healing process is short and you are back to feeling good in no time.

Maturity issues are not always age related. Some people have themselves together at 15 and others at 50. I think in MY age group (mid-30s) a LOT of men have major maturity issues and are looking for a free ride. It's sad, but unfortunately, true. And I'm sorry you had to go through this..

Good luck...
~phos

Looking at this relationship and working it from every angle, I'm sure your did very best to make it an exceptional relationship. Unfortunately, there are times where the basic components to continue to work on it and rise it from the ashes, are just not there. Either they were not taught or the person has abandon his most basic attitudes to continue to make it work. This is when you have to decide if it is in your best interest to bound yourself to someone who clearly does not have the best interest either of the relationship or of you in mind.

It will hurt, but you should take comfort in the thought that you did what you could and now its about you. Give yourself some time to get yourself to a better place, you will be ok. There will be another time and another place and even another man to love you the way you deserve.

Paris

at least you know you gave it your all, gal. head held high :D

((((hugs))))

Tracy

I am sorry that it did not work out for you. I applaud your efforts to make it work and also your wisdom to realize when to quit.

I have learned to leave "project men" alone. It just is not fun anymore to try to morph them into emotional maturity.

PurpleLady ~

I am truly sorry to hear about the end of your relationship.

Post-relationship behavior often serves to open our eyes to what was going on while we were IN the relationship.

If you can, you must love with everything you've got, otherwise...what's the point?

It is those that are unable to give and to reciprocate that are losing out, more than those of us who have something to give. When you give of your own volition, even if in the end you wind up feeling that you've been taken advantage of, you will feel less so than if you only gave with massive expectation in return.

Best to you, woman.

I have learned to leave "project men" alone.

LMAO at "project men"....that is such a great description yellowrose

purplelady,
You sound wise, realistic and like you gave it your best shot. You will grieve, and then be better for all you've learned. I'm sorry that you have to feel all that crappy sadness-stuff though, but each day it gets a little easier.

I also loved Barb's "project men"
and Faith's "Mother Theresa syndrome"

I'm gonna use those !!! :D

To Barb's "project men", and Faith's "Mother Theresa syndrome", I would like to add our tendency to have a "Wendy Complex" which means we choose those men that are like Peter Pan, and never want to grow up!

There are even a couple of books on this... My greatest "wendy" relationship however is not the one I am into now... which is with an almost boringly stable* and solid, and hard working finances advisor (who is 28 to my 44) but that awfully spoiled and needy child that was my first husband. He is a nuclear engineer, and socially inadequate, but that's nothing. With 49 he still drops something and curses, but would never think of picking it up.. or cleaning after himself... he is still clueless about where the silverware is in his own house, drinks and drives, fights with his children like another child, has tantrums whenever they need to spend money in normal things like clothes or shoes, but insists on buying for himself the latest model car... and he sits down and watches his favorite TV shows exactly when he wants to, no matter if the whole family wants to do something else. And this just to mention a few highlights i observed when i was last at his home (which reminded me why i left him btw! :) ). He has been like this all his life...

Just wanted to share this because of the risk that someone may think that this issue of the Project Men, our "Women that love too much" stories, etc. have something to do with the age gap. THEY DON'T and I am sure we could bring here thousands of testimonies to that respect.

Our AGR relationship could be a disaster... (And i am terribly sorry that Purplelady had to go through her current pain, although she sounds so wise and realistic that I am sure she will be ok again and will treasure those memories... ) or our best success!

Maria (slowly becoming a converted..)












*I always tell him when he says he should liven up: DON'T! You are perfect as you are!! And besides, do you think people want to put their money in the hands of a wild and crazy accountant?

at least you know you gave it your all, gal. head held high :D

((((hugs))))

Tracy


Exactly Tracy! You truly tried everything Purplelady. High five for that and time IS the best remedy for healing.
(((hug)))

I am very grateful to everyone for their kind responses.

I am also very happy to have experienced this relationship - it was and still remains very important to me. In some ways J was a project person, but it was he who said he wanted to grow/change.

Part of me thinks our relationship was the victim of habituation - having always wanted to be with an older woman, once that was attained, it was easy to fall back into the actions and behaviors of previous relationships.

I don't think the self-esteem and maturity issues were related to his chronological age. I believe these were related to his emotional age, which is a whole different thing. There are so many people, males and females, who are very emotionally mature in their early years.

In many ways this was the Peter Pan Syndrome. I just don't do Wendy well.
::::wry smile::::

This was a great relationship for me in so many ways - I loved as I have not loved for many, many years and do not regret one minute of it. The pain and sadness I am experiencing right now is part of the grieving process and I know that this is so important to experience.

I am getting better every day. Please know that your thoughtfulness and kindness touches my heart.

Pam

... This was a great relationship for me in so many ways -I loved as I have not loved for many, many years and do not regret one minute of it. The pain and sadness I am experiencing right now is part of the grieving process and I know that this is so important to experience. I am getting better everyday. ...

Recognizing what a gift it is to have loved and been loved; choosing to hold onto the memory of the joy, even though the relationship has ended; accepting that it hurts when the dream ends, and knowing that you will live through it. What a wise and wonderful woman! If I were a man or a lesbian, I'd grab you right up!!!! But since I am neither, please accept these giant hugs instead:

One of happiness for what you had and will always have with you. (((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))
One for your knowledge and your attitude.
((((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))
One big "Hey, Soulsister" hug for believing what I believe and for expressing it so well.
((((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))
One for sympathy that he wasn't the right one.
(((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))
One for added strength as you go through this sad time.
((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))))
One to remind you that your future is bright and another love, maybe "the" love, is waiting for you whenever you're ready.
((((((((((( HUG ))))))))))))))))

Hope I didn't squish you! Oh, what the heck, your post made me feel so much, I gotta give you one more!!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

purplelady

(((hugs))) to you.... you gave it your all and as SG said, what is the point if you don't love with all you have.... so true. You sound like a wonderful person who did give it her all and I am sure you have learned so much from this relationship.

Best wishes!