Here I am with my problems again . . .

let me start by telling you good news :D

I don't know how many of you remember my situation with being open with my family about G and I. But it was bad. For over 5 years I have been hiding our relationship. Well, I finally came out. Okay, not really. We had two MAJOR family crisis' happen simultaneously and they were a serious reality check for many of us. During them my mother suddenly became accepting of our relationship and I suddenly became much more open about it.

So finally, after 5 and a half years, my mom, my grandmother, G, and I all had lunch together. :D And it went really well! My father is another story, but I am 100% relieved that my mother is finally supportive. Thank you all for your wise words and support. :)

The irony in all of this is that for the last several months I have been seriously questioning our relationship. I will make this short. I love G and I am not sure that I am ready to end our relationship, but I am quite sure that I do not want to live with him. We have been living together since January and I am not happy.

I know I do not want to live with him, but I am hesitant to tell him because I am worried that he is going to see this as a huge regression in our relationship. Things have been shaky with us and I am pretty sure that he will not take this lightly and will want to just end the relationship. And as I said, I am not sure that I am ready to end our relationship.

I am having a hard time finding a way to approach the subject with him. Has anyone done this before? Moved in and then moved out? Any advice?

Hi, Moon, and welcome back. I've missed you. :D

I'm glad to hear you've come out with your Mom and that went well, sorry it took some family trauma's for it to happen... and I'm saddened that things aren't going well with G.

Can I ask what's making you unhappy in your living arrangements? Because, I agree that it would be a serious regression in the relationship and if I were in his shoes, I would see it as the end, too. I think you already fear this... is there anyway to appropriately address the PROBLEMS in the living arrangement itself? I'm sure he would be more open to that than you think, especially if the prospect is losing you.

I'm sure there are some relations which survive the back-tracking, but I haven't heard of many.

Glad to see you back and maybe if you expound on the living arrangement issues, we can offer some better advice for getting through this?

~phos

I am always around the boards, I just rarely get time to post.


We talked last night. I didn't tell him that I do not want to live with him (although I should have). But we talked about our relationship. He said he senses that I am not in it. He said that he doesn't feel that he is getting what he needs because I am "not in the relationship." He doesn't want to let me go, but he also doesn't feel that we can work at it???? :confused: He has issues. I don't know why I didn't just tell him that I was moving out right then and there. We have had a similar conversation before where I begged for him to make some changes. You know what he said? He said he doesn't feel that he has too because he loves me and love should be enough. I asked him "how do I know that you love me if you don't show me." He said "I'm here aren't I?" :eek:

SO that sums it up. He is not willing to work and I am done trying. For the last couple of years I feel that I have been the one making all of the efforts (while he has just been here :rolleyes: ) and I am exhusted. That's why last night, I just sat there, I had nothing to say. I had very little emotion until I looked over at a picture of the kids and then I got choked up and it was that picture that stopped me from say that I wanted out.

As far as your question fos, let's see . . . living arrangments . . . well, first I do not like being a stepmom. He has two kids that I love, love, love, but I just don't want that kind of responsibility at this point in my life. So that is huge. The other problem is just the day-to-day things that make up a life that I am not happy with. G and his kids live a very different lifestyle than I want to incorporate into my own. And he is not willing to compromise. I am willing to compromise, but I am not willing to sacrifice. I feel that by living with him, because he is not willing to meet me half way, I will be sacrificing too much of myself.

When I wrote the OP, I thought that moving out might actually save our relationship. We seemed to do better when we didn't live together. I know that if I move out he will be very upset and will feel as you and I said (a step backward), but I was hoping that he would come around and realize that people can maintain realtionships living separately, and healthy ones, and maybe we are that type of couple.

But now *big sigh* I think I want to just end the whole relationship. I think my lack of desire to even communicte last night was a clear indicator that I am just done. So what do I do? Should I just take my stuff and leave? Our talk got us nowhere last night? Will another one be any better?

To be honest, Moon, I have no idea. I'm not sure, from the way things sound, you're relationship will survive you moving out and it doesn't even sound like you truly want it to.

And I can completely relate to how you're feeling. When my last husband and I split up, it was a long time coming. He wrote me a letter which basically ended with him saying we should split. I went to talk to him and he basically worded it like, "Well, if you love me than you will accept me as I am and leave things as they are, otherwise, we should divorce. You choose." (So, for me, it was stay with him drinking 6-12 expensive micro-beers a day, taking 100% care of his kid AND mine and ours together, doing all the chores, driving the kids where ever they needed to go, AND working full-time.) You know what I chose... ;) Things have been ugly (UGLY) ever since ~ of course, I'm working with a raging alcoholic X who I stupidly MARRIED and you're lucky you don't have the "legal" bonds to hold you to something that is not making you happy.

And that's the thing. You're not happy. He's obviously not happy either. Content is NOT happiness.

Is holding onto a relationship with someone who won't compromise and you can't live with (and therefore, can really see no future with) really something you WANT to do? This is what you need to ask yourself and reconcile for yourself. No one can answer that for you.

But, you know you can live on your own, you know you were happier on your own... do, if you need support to move out, you have it. And if you change your mind and need support to stick it out, you have that, too.

(((((((((HUGS))))))))))

It can't hurt to try talking to him again and actually voicing your feelings/needs. You will know for sure once you've said what you need to say, whether or not he is willing to put anything into ensuring YOU are happy, too.

~phos

Moon I am totally sending hugs your way here...

I'm so sorry your going through this but it seems to me you know what you should do... I think Maybe moving out maybe is a good first step rather than just ending the relationship... However You need to do what makes you happy... your life is way to short for settle for less ... I mean Sometimes you need to know what to sacrifice and what not to and you know that......

I think the only way it could work is if you are both willing to see a relationship counselor .... or maybe you just see someone to just vent to and help you see things straighter..... They are such great support.....

Moon we are always here for you and whatever you decide..... Sometimes relationships just hit that dead end and sometimes best to move on..

Well, we talked and I told him that I am going to move out. It was a very calm conversation - so calm it was sad. I think he feels that this is right too, but I feel so heavy today.

I am scared because I don't have a support system here. I have so many emotions because all the drama with my family is still going on. I am overwhelmed with everything I have to do and all of these feelings. I am in school full time, I am working full time, there is this madness with my family, my best friend just moved to Argentina on Saturday and I have no way of contacting her yet and now I am ending my almost 6 year relationship and I have to move. And I don't have anyone to help me and I need help.

:(

(((((Hugs))))) Moon. I can understand how you feel and it is so rough. Not much I can say to help, except know that there's a pile of us here at Ageless that care and we're rooting for ya. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. From your posts, you sound like a smart, sensitive person. You will make it through this, and it will make you even stronger. Keep us posted and feel free to vent. You can PM me anytime if you want to chat.

Oh brother Moon.. god I wish you lived in NH i'd help you..... Just be strong ok.. things WILL work out .... life has af unny way of doing that!!! Hon we are ALWAYS here to support you the best way we can ok.....

Have you ended the relationship Or just moving out??