Is 9 years between us a big deal???

I am 42 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been going out for over 8 months and enjoy each others company. We care for each other a lot. However, he is so consumed with the age gap that it a cause for arguments oftentimes. I have not met his family nor his friends. Despite his denial, I think he is ashamed to introduce me to them. He is struggling with this age gap and his feelings for me. He keep asking if it would be a factor down the road.

Inspite of his confussion, he is a very good man and I love him. What can I do to reassure him that it will be ok? I dont want to lose him. Am I being realistic or clinging on to something that can never be?

I don't see where 9 years is all that much.

Nine-year gap--that's strictly amateur hour! :)

Seriously, as this site demonstrates, there are many people in happy age-gap relationships. Most of the age spreads are larger than yours. A poll taken of our members not too long ago showed the average age gap for members currently in relationships to be 13 years. As you browse the forums, you will see "keychains" with numbers on them. That number is the number of years between the poster and his/her significant other.

As for myself, I'm not in a relationship at the moment. I've usually dated substantially older women (17 to 30 years older). Right now I'm 36 and my eyes have a way of wandering to the fiftysomethings.

Your problem is the reverse of what usually happens. In most cases with developing OW/YM relationships, it is the woman who is concerned about the gap and who resists the attention of the man, for whom the gap is NO ISSUE! :D

The only concrete reason I can imagine for his concern is children. Does he not have children and want to have biological children? Do you have children and how does he relate to them? Is he aware that the early 40s are not too old in most cases for safe pregnancy?

Aside from children, I don't know what concerns he might have. There's no reason to be ashamed of having an older girlfriend. OW/YM relationships are becoming quite common and even fashionable.

I hope he comes around. Keep us posted!

I am 42 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been going out for over 8 months and enjoy each others company. We care for each other a lot. However, he is so consumed with the age gap that it a cause for arguments oftentimes. I have not met his family nor his friends. Despite his denial, I think he is ashamed to introduce me to them. He is struggling with this age gap and his feelings for me. He keep asking if it would be a factor down the road.

Inspite of his confussion, he is a very good man and I love him. What can I do to reassure him that it will be ok? I dont want to lose him. Am I being realistic or clinging on to something that can never be?

I'm wondering, how is it that you have dated so long and not met his friends and family? Are you in a long distance relationship?

My boyfriend was open with half his family but very discreet with the other half about my age and that I have children. This third visit his aunt asked me about children and I showed her a picture of my sons and his grandmother told him he's being silly, that I'm too far away and already have a family and he should consider local girls his own age.

He didn't tell them because he didn't want to hear the nagging lectures, not because he was ashamed, and I've spent enough time with everyone in his family to know that they don't hate me, they just disapprove of his choice to be with a woman from another country more than anything. They think I'm using him to get into Germany :)

Althernatively, his mother's family adores me and that's where I stay when I visit.

It seems to me that it would be difficult to arrange NOT meeting his friends and family after dating for 8 months. Is your boyfriend making a point of keeping you in the shadows?

It doesn't seem right, doesn't seem fair and seems a little suspicous to me.

If he said that he's not ashamed then ask to meet them. Have you asked to meet them already? If so, what was his response to you?

I am 42 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been going out for over 8 months and enjoy each others company. We care for each other a lot. However, he is so consumed with the age gap that it a cause for arguments oftentimes. I have not met his family nor his friends. Despite his denial, I think he is ashamed to introduce me to them. He is struggling with this age gap and his feelings for me. He keep asking if it would be a factor down the road.

Inspite of his confussion, he is a very good man and I love him. What can I do to reassure him that it will be ok? I dont want to lose him. Am I being realistic or clinging on to something that can never be?

In my personal opinion, there is nothing wrong with you being 42 and him 33
if you both love eachother, that is all that matters.

If he is casting seriously doubts, thats on him, if he feels ashamed to be with you, then let him go and remember this is a big world out there with plenty of fish in the sea.


But if he really does love you and wants it to work, he needs to never be ashamed and be a man, my goodness he's 33

But best wishes to ya both :-)
Hope I didnt come across as a bit harsh towards him
:cool:

Am I being realistic or clinging on to something that can never be?

My husband and I have the same age gap as you and your boyfriend. I am 30 and he is 21. Please understand that our relationship has some issuuuuues, but it was a given that I would not only need to meet his parents early on in our relationship, but once we knew we wanted to marry, it was a given that a healthy relationship between myself and his family should be fostered. They were a bit shocked at first. More because of the cultural/racial differences. As far as the age gap was concerned, they were more concerned for me. THey kept saying that he was young and inexperienced. They were afraid I would become frustrated with his financial situation and lack of world/life experience and just leave him. Once I roughed it through a couple of storms with him, they knew I was a stayer.

My point is, if my man (occasionally immature and slightly inexperienced) knew that I needed to know his family, your man at 33 should know this also. I think he is afraid of something, but what? You said that he was confused about his feelings and about the age gap thing. Is he afraid that you will leave him for an older man? Is he concerned about the physical attraction as you two get older (I think about that all the freakin' time!)? Are his parents just embarrassing and he wouldn't want any girlfriend to meet them? Have you sat him down and explained your concern, that you feel tucked away from the world? Let him know...maybe don't corner him with it, but just let him know how miserable you are concerning this matter..shoot, I would be.

I firmly believe that meeting his parents is something that MUST happen, not just to see that he isn't ashamed, but to see who raised him. A man is a product of his parents. Knowing where he comes from will be a good way of seeing his concept of home and family..a total must before moving the relationship forward.

I hope that this is just a small storm that you will both come out on the other side of, stronger and wiser.

Take care

Thank you for all your response. To answer some of your questions, I have never been married and no children. He too has never been married and no children. Yes, having children is one of his biggest concern. He loves kids. Also his family thinks he is limitting himself. They believe that because you are older, you have been around sexually. Not even close! They are a very conservative and closenit italian family.

I am really at a loss what to do. I feel I am fighting an uphill battle and should just let go. At the same time, I feel that if I love him, I should fight for the relationship to work. Question is how???

Mac8802

Dude... I really feel for you during this difficult time. I can almost hear the turmoil in your voice as I read your posts. I really hope things turn out in a way that will benefit you in the long run.

From what you've said, it sounds like the fight is not yours. I wouldn't worry about the family's concerns.. If and when they get a chance to know you and see how you care for their baby boy, they will love you too. But your man's concerns about the possiblity of having a family with you are legit. If that's the MAJOR issue that is causing him so much confusion about your relationship, couldn't you guys visit a doctor and see if you are still able to safely conceive and bear children? THat is, if you want to be a mommy.. If you both agree that you want kids and you find that you can safely have them, do you think that it will be easier for him to see a future with you?

It sounds like your man has to sort out his head on his own. You don't want to put yourself in a position where you are trying to convince him that you are the one. He has to come to that conclusion on his own, and when he does he can stand up to his family and assure them that you are the only one for him.

I think the only thing you can do is, keep being wonderful you..a supportive girlfriend who enjoys her time with him. Be patient with him, but please don't let him waste your time or keep you from living your life. I really hope all turns out well for you. :)

At first my ym & I weren't sure if it was "ok" to take our relationship to a "serious" level, so I did some research (that's how I found Ageless). I never found ANYTHING that discourages AGR's. I've also talked with people socially: my hairdresser, my dental hygeinist, people at the bar... if I get a raised eyebrow, for example my dad said, "what are you doing dating a guy who's almost 15 years younger?" I looked at him with that "oh, come on, puhhleez" look & said, "are you telling me you wouldn't date a 45-year-old?" (he's 60) He was like, "oh, I see what you mean."

Like my dad, those who are conditioned against it are REALLY EASY to contradict. There just ISN'T a good argument against it, other than the same very practical matters that affect same-age couples (for the record, is the consensus here that "same-age" is within 5-years?) If kids are a factor, the average age of menopause is 48. Moreover, there's never a guarantee a woman of ANY age can bear children. There's also adoption, or just not having kids. If he can't accept that, then THAT, not the age gap, might be a reason to call it off.

Anyway, here are some of the sites I found that give a broad range of western society views on ow/ym relationships:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3679116

http://www.canllaw-online.com/fe/ne...asp?NewsID=2892

http://www.couplescompany.com/Advic...g/peterpan1.htm

http://www.evanescence.co.uk/forum/...c411337c64fa355

If kids are a factor, the average age of menopause is 48.

I don't know if it's different in the US, but in the UK it's actually in the 50's, though it normally begins anywhere between 40 and 60. That's according to something I saw on tv a while back, maybe a year ago.

I don't know if it's different in the US, but in the UK it's actually in the 50's, though it normally begins anywhere between 40 and 60. That's according to something I saw on tv a while back, maybe a year ago.

Between the ages of 45 and 55, the ovaries slowly stop making estrogen. As a result, fewer eggs are released and less progesterone is made. At first, these changes cause periods to become irregular. Then, periods stop completely (menopause).

Norie, Adam's Girl

I am 42 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been going out for over 8 months and enjoy each others company. We care for each other a lot. However, he is so consumed with the age gap that it a cause for arguments oftentimes. I have not met his family nor his friends. Despite his denial, I think he is ashamed to introduce me to them. He is struggling with this age gap and his feelings for me. He keep asking if it would be a factor down the road.

Inspite of his confussion, he is a very good man and I love him. What can I do to reassure him that it will be ok? I dont want to lose him. Am I being realistic or clinging on to something that can never be?

At first, I was also consumed by the age gap of 10 years. Me at 41, Adam, almost 31. The age gap doesn't bother Adam at all. It was me who had the problem. After doing some research on it, I came across this Ageless Love Website. As I read other's threads/posts, I came to realize that the age gap of 10 years doesn't matter. So, your gap of 9 years is just fine.

If your b/f says he is not ashamed to introduce you to his family and friends, then believe him. What he may be trying to tell you is that he needs to feel comfortable about the relationship first. Perhaps you can invite him to this site for support from all of these wonderful people here.

Communication is a key in ALL relationships. Sounds like you've been trying to talk to him about it. I suggest discussing priorities and values. Lay everything out on the table. But do so when it is the "right" time. For example, talk when you sense he's not "distant."

I agree with Hope, he needs to sort this out. It sounds like he's been going in and out of his "Cave" too many times. Give him some time to sort things out and not to pressure him about this too much. Continue to love and support him. But, don't push the issue. Allow him time to sort all of this out.

Good luck to you both.

Norie, Adam's Girl

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3679116

http://www.canllaw-online.com/fe/ne...asp?NewsID=2892

http://www.couplescompany.com/Advic...g/peterpan1.htm

http://www.evanescence.co.uk/forum/...c411337c64fa355

Hey, Mama. Thanks for the msnbc.msn link. That was a very interesting article. However, when I went to the other 3 sites, the pages could not be found. :(

Norie, Adam's Girl

Well...look at it like this...when he is 40, you will be 49. Honey, that's in the same decade! 9 years is a piece of cake. My husband is 22 years younger than I am. Never has he been hesitant to introduce to friends, family or to publicly show his love and affection for me.

33 and 42 are still considered young in this day and age where the average life expectancy is growing all the time. And women are still outliving men by a good 5-7 years or even more.

I really appreciate all your inputs. Ultimately though, he has to be comfortable with this whole age gap issue. It never was an issue to me as we are both independent adults and I never really had the need for the worlds approval. I have stopped going out of my way to please the world. I realized a long time ago that the world does not really care if you are alone and lonely they will just tell you they are sorry you are feeling sad and go about their own business. Thanks again to all of you. You've all been great!

My boyfriend just told his mom about us tonight for the first time and his mom literally threw a fit. She pulled up all the horrible things anyone can say about a person and said it like she was so sure about everything she was saying. We have never met and she already assumed because I am older, I have slept around, a cradle snatchers and more. She told my boyfriend if he wanted to wake up next to his grandmother. By the way my boyfriend is 33 years old.

None of what she said really bothered me, but I think it scared my boyfriend. He so much wants to please his family to the point I think he will give up the relationship and be misserable rather than stand up for what he wants.

I told him if he thinks giving up the relationship will make his life easier, then he is free to go. We will be both misserable, but hey, everyone else will be pleased and content.

If he does not think our relationship is not important enough to stand up for, then I guess, we will be better apart anyway.

Between the ages of 45 and 55, the ovaries slowly stop making estrogen. As a result, fewer eggs are released and less progesterone is made. At first, these changes cause periods to become irregular. Then, periods stop completely (menopause).Norie, Adam's Girl

First to get this out of the way, I would like to contribute with my two cents to the Menopause issue. All the above is true, but does not mean you are going to be able to have kids at 47! May be you will but you should not count on it, and is it advisable? I think realistically our end of child-bearing age should be set sooner. Yesterday there was some research published exactly about that on the MEDPAGES.

My OB-GYN heard about my plight and she says that every month i wait makes the whole thing more risky and difficult and if I want to have a baby, I should do it NOW. Of course my YM is still not ready! So I will have to live with the fact I cannot give him that. I think one has to be realistic sometimes and explore other options.. Biological kids at the late 40's are perhaps also not such a good idea even if we are so healthy. I'm 45 btw.

Now, going back to Mac's problem. I really felt with you my girl...
I am sure that your BF is a very nice person and it is obvious your love for him.
I must say, however, that he does not come through to me as a person that could make you happy in an AGR because no matter how normal it can be this kind of age gap ("9 years is nothing" as many told you for this forum!), what i cannot see in him is the commitment to have the guts to say "SO WHAT?" and screw the opinions of others when they come (something I believe is needed in these cases) and most of all, the fine feeling to detect he is hurting you with his attitudes and his dependency from the family's opinions and consequently being able to stop the issue right then and there. My main worry is that even if you decide to stay together, he will hurt you again when other issues come up... None of us deserves to be cause for embarassment!

Besides, it is not like he is unique in the planet or the first man to go through this or in anyway in such a hopeless relationship! Yes, if he wants kids, kind of you have to hurry, and so what? If you agree, where is the problem? He has to have an adult view of the world: one in which family are friends are welcome whenever they are ready to accept and support and stay out if they don't. It's YOUR lives.

In my opinion, if he cannot be proud of you just like you are and defend his choice, he has no business having you in the first place and does not deserve you, just like it would be for any of us. We all deserve to be with someone that is PROUD and does not consider us a little dirty secret or some cause for embarassment!

I hope I was not too hard, but I suspect you are starting to get ready to think about your options.

All the best Mac!! All the hapinness you deserve WITH or without him!
Maria

I can't even imagine a woman trying to tell a 33 year old man how to live his life! I don't care if he is her son. There is no way I would tell my 27 year old son how to live his life or what type of woman he should be with etc. Hello!! 33 is only about 10 years away from middle age! If this man does not have the balls to stand up to his family or his mother, then he wouldn't be man enough for me. That means he wouldn't have the balls to stand up for me either!

I was married to a man that was my age and he couldn't stand up to his family. We divorced 2 years later. I couldn't take him not standing up & be a man.
and we were both 28 years old. It got worse by the month the parents were controlling and it got to the point where i was so unattracked to him cuz I would look at him like he was a baby! I left him and filled for a divorce.
I can't imagine at 33 years old his mother is telling him this. He might just end up alone for the rest of his life if he wants to keep listening to her. And maybe that is what she wants too! Maybe she is that way and finds something wrong with every girl he dates???











My boyfriend just told his mom about us tonight for the first time and his mom literally threw a fit. She pulled up all the horrible things anyone can say about a person and said it like she was so sure about everything she was saying. We have never met and she already assumed because I am older, I have slept around, a cradle snatchers and more. She told my boyfriend if he wanted to wake up next to his grandmother. By the way my boyfriend is 33 years old.

None of what she said really bothered me, but I think it scared my boyfriend. He so much wants to please his family to the point I think he will give up the relationship and be misserable rather than stand up for what he wants.

I told him if he thinks giving up the relationship will make his life easier, then he is free to go. We will be both misserable, but hey, everyone else will be pleased and content.

If he does not think our relationship is not important enough to stand up for, then I guess, we will be better apart anyway.

The one thing that stood out in what his mom had to say was you are still a baby. You are only 33. He has a 41 year old brother who still lives at home, single and is not in a relationship. He too had told him, you only have your fun with older women, then you move on and that he has lost it for considering a relationship with me. Go figure.

I guess one does not really realize the impact of what ignorance and discrimination can do until it stares you in the face. To me this is all what it is. Pure unadulterated ignorance. If not, then this is all about control.

My boyfriend just told his mom about us tonight for the first time and his mom literally threw a fit. She pulled up all the horrible things anyone can say about a person and said it like she was so sure about everything she was saying. We have never met and she already assumed because I am older, I have slept around, a cradle snatchers and more. She told my boyfriend if he wanted to wake up next to his grandmother. By the way my boyfriend is 33 years old.

None of what she said really bothered me, but I think it scared my boyfriend. He so much wants to please his family to the point I think he will give up the relationship and be misserable rather than stand up for what he wants.

I told him if he thinks giving up the relationship will make his life easier, then he is free to go. We will be both misserable, but hey, everyone else will be pleased and content.

If he does not think our relationship is not important enough to stand up for, then I guess, we will be better apart anyway.
9 years?????? You guys are in the same decade!!!!! And he's plenty mature at 33!!! You need a man at 33, not a boy. He needs to make his own decisions. The age difference is cool, he just needs to step up and be a man! Also from where I sit the relationship with his Mom seems a little stunted...the brother living home at 41??? Maybe you're better off!!! :eek:

Whether or not nine years is a big deal completely depends on the parties involved. He has to be comfortable with the AG, otherwise, it is a big deal, right?

Now, I can imagine his mothing 'telling him how to live his life'. Lots of moms have input into their kids lives no matter how old their children become. What I can't stand to think about is a 33 year old man allowing his mother's 'input' to cause him to end a relationship.

Unless something she said struck him as being true, for him. Maybe this is what happened. If so, it doesn't make him a terrible person for coming to grips with his own thoughts on the situation. If, on the other hand, he is simply bowing to his mother's pressure, he's a boy and not ready anyway.